Friendship problems- AIBU to go even though it will upset her?

[jacks11]

I don’t think I am unreasonable- though accept my(possibly ex-) friend is struggling.

Good friend and her DH have been TTC for some time, several failed rounds if IVF and it looks increasingly like it just us not going to happen. Friend’s DH had agreed one last round IVF but says after this he would like to stop as they just can’t afford it and he feels emotionally it is becoming too much, though if they can conceive naturally (albeit unlikely) he’d be delighted. I, and our other friends, have always been as supportive as we can be and I think I have been a good friend in lots of other ways too. We’ve been friends for a long time.

DH and I have DC, as do most of our other friends. I am pregnant- this was unplanned- but we are happily surprised. We waited until 12 weeks and before we told anyone else (other than our parents). I messaged her to say I had something I wanted to tell her (at a time when she wasn’t at work or anything like that). She immediately messaged back to say “you’re bloody pregnant, aren’t you?”. I replied that I was and that I just wanted to let her know in private before anyone else found out. I genuinely thought this was the easiest way- she would get time to privately react however she felt, without having to put a brave face on/ think about how that would look to others etc. I’m happy to concede she might have preferred a different approach but this was genuinely with good intentions.

She called me a few minutes later and was absolutely horrible- she berated me for not telling her we were ttc. I said that a)if we had been it would not have been something we necessarily had to share with others if we didn’t want to; b) we weren’t exactly TTC, although we are happy about it; c) I would not have thought she would have wanted to know if we had been. She then replied “well, I can’t believe you let that happen” and “ that was f***g stupid of you”, kept going on about how it’s just irresponsible and something only “daft teenagers” do etc. was I really sure this was what I wanted? I said that even if not planned, we are happy about it, and it’s not as though we are in any way going to struggle- financially secure, solid relationship, both in good health etc. I was really taken aback- I expected she might be upset, perhaps want to keep her distance a bit (although I’d have missed her, I’d have understood why) or not want to hear much about my pregnancy. But she was actually utterly vile. I was really upset and appalled by her attitude, told her so and ended the phone-call.

I told my husband who was upset and angry too. We decided to just leave it, let things cool and see where we stood once we’d had time to calm down. I decided not to contact her again, leave the ball in her court regarding the next step.

I told our other friends re pregnancy and they are all delighted for us. DH is friends with her DH- he contacted DH to say he’d heard the news, congratulated him but said he knew his DW and I had “fallen out”. They had a chat and her DH was surprised by what DH told him about what had happened. He was actually quite shaken according to DH. He messaged me to say congratulations and he was sorry for how things went with his DW, she’s just really struggling and he hopes we could work it out. I replied thanking him and that he was not responsible for what his wife had said but appreciated the thought.

I had told two of my closest friends exactly what had happened. Some of our other friends could tell something had happened but I just said that things were strained and not really in contact with her, without giving details. She has been unpleasant about me to a few mutual friends- this has caused friction with them, and most have now sussed out why we aren’t speaking. I have not tried to get anyone to “take sides”. I’ve just carried on, other than not contacting her directly.

We are due to attend our friends wedding- DH is a groomsman. Friend and her DH are also invited. She has demanded that I do not go- DH can, but I can’t. Bride and groom have said we are both invited and if either of us feel we can’t be civil, then it’s best that that person don’t come. I am happy just to be polite and think we should be able to keep our distance. I fully intend to go. I’ve had a lot of messages demanding I “don’t take another thing” from her. I’ve ignored her.

Most of our friends feel she is being totally unreasonable, but two friends have suggested that I “give her this” as she’s struggling. I don’t feel much like putting her first, nor do I think it wise- frankly, if I give in to this it won’t stop at this event, she’ll just try to exclude me from other things. This has caused some friends to fall out and I feel really caught in the middle. AIBU to go?

I’m sorry but this is terrible advice. Send flowers to someone who wants you to have an abortion to make them feel better? Utter madness! Women find your bloody backbones for god’s sake! No wonder we are treated so poorly in society if this is the sort of advice we give each other. Be kind. Turn the other cheek. Keep quiet. Absolutely ridiculous.

Your DFs think you should stay away until she's feeling better, but if they only have one more try at IVF and it fails she's not going to feel better Op, she's going to feel much, much worse. Sadly she's blaming you now and if the IVF fails she may try to blame you for that, it's not rational thinking but she's deceided your baby makes hers less likely

Your friend is struggling but needs therapy. She has no right to tell youhow to live your life. You need to try and ignore her behaviour. Go to the wedding you have been invited to, be polite, keep out of her way, try and enjoy it.

You're not being too nice. You're doing the right thing.

It must be tough being unable to conceive but that's not your fault and she had no right to speak to you like that.

If she has messaged you demanding you don't go to the wedding then you can perhaps message back saying that you're not expecting her to jump with joy about your pregnancy, but she had no right to be so unkind you, and you feel really hurt by some of the vile things she said. I'd then say you will be attending the wedding, so if she wants to talk to you beforehand to clear the air then that's fine.

Just be calm and understanding.

There is NO excuse for her cunty behaviour. None.

Ignore her. She is not your friend.

Completely agree, are posters really suggesting op sends this batshit woman flowers with a grovelling note?!
The 'friend' suggested op terminates her child. That's not a mutually evolved unfortunate situation.
That's evil, twisted and spiteful.

You’ve done nothing wrong and have tried your best to tell her gently and give her space. Her reaction is outrageous to be honest. Fair enough she’s had a hard time and it must be devastating but why get angry and say horrible things to you.

To be honest I’d have expected her to calm down and apologise for the horrible things she said. Doesn’t look like that is going to happen. I am with you, I certainly wouldn’t be bending over backwards for her now. Go to the wedding. I don’t even understand why she doesn’t want you to go. Probably because she doesn’t want to face you knowing how badly she’s reacted. It’s not her wedding so I don’t get the take another thing from you comment.

What a horrid situation to be in. Congratulations on your pregnancy. I don’t think you have done anything wrong. I think XF is hurting massively and not thinking straight and you have been very generous in anticipating the impact of your news. I’m glad you’re going to the wedding and your communication with XF’s DH is the sensible way forward.

I agree with your DH that you are being too passive regarding the relationship, considering what she said to you. Mate, this is a "friend": who basically told you to get an abortion because she can't deal with her own infertility issues. It's abuse and beyond disgusting. Women with infertility issues don't behave this way. Stop making excuses for her.

Cut her off from your life. You don't need to create drama, just let her loose and don't get involved in chats, conversations with your friends about her. Their relationship with her is none of your business, and make clear you don't want to get involved with.

You’ve handled every step of this extremely well OP. I hope if she goes to the wedding she chooses to behave civilly and it’s a happy stress free occasion. The people defending her have ignored her own husband thinking she’s been appalling. Poor man. She’ll ruin her marriage and lose all of her friends if she doesn’t find a healthier way to deal with her grief.

You’re not having her baby and your pregnancy isn’t taking anything away from her.

Wishing you a healthy, uneventful, happy pregnancy.

We are not excusing it but we are coming from a place of understanding. Op caught her friend off guard at the worst possible moment - whenn she is considering giving up ttc.

op, you are in the stronger position. You have children and another on the way. She is so engulfed by grief that she can’t do what you have to: let it go. If only for your own peace of mind do not get dragged into she said, I said etc. If your friends or DH say how awful she is shut the conversation down and don’t get involved. Go to the wedding but don’t engage with her - not in a nasty way but to give each other space. She may continue to spit venom but don’t be tempted to either take it personally or get involved. People on MN will urge you to tell her a few home truths but that is because they love a drama. But this is not a drama. It is your life and your friend’s. Right now she feels she is in hell. Is she jealous of you? She wouldn’t be human if she wasn’t.

I would suggest that you withdraw from the friendship and any conversation around it (except when you need a bit of a rant and then choose neutral people and try not to badmouth her to friends) until well after the child is born. The friendship may repair itself in time. Or not. That remains to be seen. I hope you enjoy the wedding.

What a horrible issue. You’ve handled it so well.
Not the same as your friend, but I miscarried my first pregnancy in 2015 then my daughter was stillborn in 2017. Babies were everywhere and I was the saddest I’ve ever been. My friend did as you did, text and say she wanted to ring me and I knew she wanted to tell me she was pregnant. Like you she was sensitive and lovely and I was heartbroken but said I’m glad she’s ok and hope everything will be ok for her and baby (thankfully it was) and we ended the call and I angry cried to my husband. I would never have said what she said to you. Absolutely awful things to say!!

Go to the wedding and take care of yourself and congratulations 💙

I agree. I think the friendship may think she is mocking her by sending flowers. Mentally, she is not in a place that allows her to see op as anything other than having it in for her. It is a deeply sad situation.

@MarieAndTwinette you're actually still in support of this woman? That you understand her behaviour and venom? So you could do similar?

You're absolutely excusing her, as are many others in this thread.

Obviously none of her behaviour is acceptable here. Go to the wedding.

However, if you (and anyone else reading and wondering) are open to it, if I may, a couple of gentle points on how you broke the news.

• The text saying you had something to tell her. Whenever I get a similar message I assume pregnancy and immediately the dark cloud falls. A better way to start might be, hey are you home at the moment? Then when she confirms she is break the news, explain you wanted to tell her first and by text so she can process the news without having to force a reaction etc.

• Telling her it was an accident. I don't think you needed to outright lie and say it was a longed for, hard tried for pregnancy, but a simple 'we were seeing how it went, didnt know whether to expect anything soon' saves a lot.

I will say though, no announcement justified her behaviour. But if anyone was in your shoes and wondering how to do it that's the advice I'd give.

Again, saying that, I've literally had a text before all in caps saying OMG YOU WONT BELIEVE IT IM UP THE DUFF AGAIN 😂😭 and I didn't behave like your friend!!! Never ever would. But it did cause me a lot of pain at the point of pregnancy loss for myself.

I don't think you did anything wrong here, but there's a couple bits that could be a little more right.

The thing is: you never know how grief is going to take you. It is different for everybody. You are lucky that you were able to do what you did. I did the same but I have seen others who didn’t. They are not vile people. I have every sympathy for them. And the targets of their anger.

I agree sending flowers and a handwritten note is terrible advice.

You don't need to be 'the bigger person', you need to protect yourself and, not to do anything that could be seen as escalating things.

It's done now, it's out in the open and you've made your intention to go to the wedding cllear. The best thing you can do now is put some emotional distance between yourself and the situation - after all, you are pregnant and ont need the stress. This is a happy time for you.

Anything else on your part could he seen as antagonising the situation. Whatever happens next needs to happen away from you or you're just feeding into the drama.and no one needs that.

I think it's pretty vile to suggest there might be something wrong with someone's baby and suggest they get rid of it because you're jealous tbh.

What would you like to happen? For her to be put in the stocks and have vegetables thrown at her?

I didn’t read that bit. I make it a practice to walk away from that kind of thing. I don’t engage with it. Why would you?

Did you mean to reply to someone else or did you somehow imagine the word "punishment" in my post?

The flowers are not supposed to make her feel better. They are supposed to shame / guilt her into acting like a grown up and to send the message that in spite of the fact that she's behaving like an unhinged cowbag, I can rise above it and let bygones be bygones.

Like I said, kill her with kindness so everyone else can be in no doubt who is being unreasonable here and who is being rational and magnanimous, in spite of her friend's complete unreasonableness. If this were me, I'd be making sure no-one could possibly make an argument for it being 'six of one, half a dozen of the other' or to think that I had behaved in any way that could be construed to have made the situation worse, or to have invited it in the first place.

Be the bigger person, but do it in such a way as you don't actually have to give an inch to appease someone who is being ridiculous.

The flowers are not a consolation prize for not being pregnant. They are to extend the hand of friendship and forgiveness over a stupid argument the OP didn't start, didn't deserve, and never should have happened.

But okay, no flowers. The OP could still send the note, regardless.

I wasn’t lucky. I was consumed with grief and had to talk to my babies ashes every day whilst everyone else around me was having babies (thats what it seemed like), but I was aware my friend was trying to be sensitive (she was sobbing down the phone as well) and the last thought on my mind was to tell her she should abort as I knew she’d been out drinking loads.
I did angry cry for ages to my husband, and I’ve said some probably very horrible things to him out loud that I wouldn’t say to anyone else, but I cannot get over how she reacted to OP.