Page 9 | On holiday and I don’t know if I’m unreasonable!

SunnyBlueSeal · 2025-08-07T14:01:43+00:00

I’m really hoping for some perspective here. We are currently in Spain with my friends for a holiday. It’s us ( myself, DH and DC 14,16 ) and my friends ( Kate, Neil, DC 14,17) obviously names are changed. Kate was my friend for a few years through the activities. They invited us for a holiday with them. We booked two different villas about 5min walk from each other and right on the beach. Since we got here, Kate and my DH are spending more and more time together. This is our full third day here, and so far today, they met running at 7am and booked a spontaneous paddle boarding for themselves at 10am. We were all on the beach later and went for a lunch. I went back to the villa to get some plasters and they both turned up. My DH said he is changing his top as he and Kate will walk to the town to get a few bits. All of the DC are spending their time on the beach learning windsurfing with the local club so I don’t need DH to help with childcare. Kate’s husband Neil has a work project to do so he spends about 5 hours a day working in their villa. I’m starting to feel like a 3rd wheel to my friend and my DH. I’m getting grumpy when I’m around them and I don’t want to push him away but I don’t know how to get out of this mood. And another thing which got me thinking is at the dinner, Kate asked for a sparkling water and my DH said he wants some too. He never drank fucking sparkling water but when I pulled him on it, he said it’s because I only drink a still water so he did too. So for years you were drinking still water because of me? Have a sparkling water if you want! Something is feeling odd and I can’t put my finger on it

ThrivingIn2025ing · 07/08/2025 18:14

If you say anything they are going to accuse you of being paranoid / jealous / ruining the holiday.

I’d be on at my DH in this situation “I want to have lunch together” “please don’t leave me on the beach alone” “Let me know your thoughts for dinner and we can decide together” etc etc don’t let up until he gets the message.

No way would I say anything to the friend, she’ll twist it and you’ll come off looking bad.

WFHmutha25 · 07/08/2025 18:14

Hmmmm, so Kate instigated the holiday? She's no friend to you whatsoever. Is she normally like this around other men? Sounds like she doesn't really like you, and your husband is being very disloyal. You're going to need to be bolshy, op. She's pushing you out of your own life.

starfishmummy · 07/08/2025 18:15

Definitely arrange activities for you and your family. Tell Kate you will be somewhere else if necessary.

And if she does the lunch thing again, ring her to reply and keep ringing rather than texting back. And if she doesnt answer then ring her husband to see if he's with them as "Kate and my husband seem to have disappeared again" in fact next time you are all together a conversation about "Kate and your husband always seeming to disappear" could be interesting!!

m00rfarm · 07/08/2025 18:15

It appears that because her husband is busy with work, she thinks she gets to use yours. So your husband has a mate (or more) to hang out with and do fun things, and you are left on your own. Tomorrow (assuming this happens again) write down the things that have happened and send them to your husband so he can review how it actually looks from your perspective. And in that message, tell him that you will be sending the same message to Neil in 30 minutes to see if he thinks that his wife and your husband are behaving correctly. If nothing else, some shit will hit a fan somewhere.

Charlize43 · 07/08/2025 18:15

Sangria could be your friend. After several glasses... to hell with them!

Find some Spaniards to teach you the Macarena.

AngelicKaty · 07/08/2025 18:16

Isittimeformynapyet · 07/08/2025 18:07

How do you drop someone "with a slow burn"?

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Oh, it's really easy actually.

You never initiate contact with them again.
Every time they message trying to set up a get-together, you don't reply for a day, then send the briefest of messages along the lines "Sorry Kate, I've been really busy and only just seen your message. I'll check my diary and get back to you." Then don't.
Similarly, if she phones: "Sorry Kate, I'm up to my elbows in stuff at the moment - can I call you back?" Then don't.
Repeat ad nauseum.
If they don't get the message and message you more explicitly, such as: "I've been trying to contact you for ages, but you're not responding. Is there anything wrong?" Just. Don't. Reply. 😉

Pregnancyquestion · 07/08/2025 18:16

I’d be saying to my OH, that’s it, no more, you have really upset me and unless you want to go home with a shaky marriage you’re not to accept any more invites that I can’t be included in. I’ve hardly seen you and you might be having a great time but I’m having a horrible holiday being the third wheel with my husband and my friend.

And if he refuses then I’d say the same thing to her and will act like you’re crazy but if you are having an awful time call them out and ruin their lovely little developing friendship/crush

bellamorgan · 07/08/2025 18:16

Isittimeformynapyet · 07/08/2025 18:07

How do you drop someone "with a slow burn"?

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Just slowly fade them out. No explosions no dramatic blocking, so they cannot pin point where or why just slowly cutting them out of your life till they are gone.

Robin67 · 07/08/2025 18:17

I get really annoyed when my husband works on holiday.

Is it possible she is just trying to make Neil jealous, but that your husband enjoys the attention.

Dick moves from both of them if so. But not as bad as an affair.

honeyrider · 07/08/2025 18:17

Kate is not your friend, you need to call her out on excluding you from spending time with your husband, not just saying something to your DH.

His anger towards you isn't good because he knows you're right and he doesn't want you getting in his way with Kate.

thepariscrimefiles · 07/08/2025 18:17

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 17:48

We literally always doing something and only spend time 30 min lying around on the beach at one time. But I always find myself being on my own and they end up doing stuff together. For example two days ago, she texted that they are going for a lunch and if I’m coming ( my DH and DC were with her at the beach and didn’t have phones). I texted straight away and asked her to let me know where they are going. 30 mins later I phoned her asking where are we going and she said she didn’t check the messages and they are already eating. It was her, my DH and all of the DC. I found that so frustrating. I popped over to the villa to get something and they all go for the lunch but somehow I’m being left out

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Kate is showing her true colours as a classic 'mean girl'. Plausible deniability because she did ask you if you want to come for lunch but she forgot to check her messages so didn't see your reply (which I don't believe).

Their behaviour is horrible and I would want to tell them all to fuck off and would go home.

Sittingatthebottomofthegarden · 07/08/2025 18:18

Pregnancyquestion · 07/08/2025 18:16

I’d be saying to my OH, that’s it, no more, you have really upset me and unless you want to go home with a shaky marriage you’re not to accept any more invites that I can’t be included in. I’ve hardly seen you and you might be having a great time but I’m having a horrible holiday being the third wheel with my husband and my friend.

And if he refuses then I’d say the same thing to her and will act like you’re crazy but if you are having an awful time call them out and ruin their lovely little developing friendship/crush

This / I would have said this from the off. No darling I’m not going on a 7 am run - we are shagging and having a leisurely holiday lie in. No more stuff with Kate book stuff for you me only

LadyLapsang · 07/08/2025 18:18

The lunch thing is really rude and thoughtless especially given you can’t go for a run, but you can do lunch. Also, I think it sends a very poor message to your DCs. DH sometimes works on holiday and he could be taking calls at lunchtime, but for them to exclude you is not good.

Isittimeformynapyet · 07/08/2025 18:18

AngelicKaty · 07/08/2025 18:16

Oh, it's really easy actually.

You never initiate contact with them again.
Every time they message trying to set up a get-together, you don't reply for a day, then send the briefest of messages along the lines "Sorry Kate, I've been really busy and only just seen your message. I'll check my diary and get back to you." Then don't.
Similarly, if she phones: "Sorry Kate, I'm up to my elbows in stuff at the moment - can I call you back?" Then don't.
Repeat ad nauseum.
If they don't get the message and message you more explicitly, such as: "I've been trying to contact you for ages, but you're not responding. Is there anything wrong?" Just. Don't. Reply. 😉

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Ah, so just dropping them then.

Bungybungy · 07/08/2025 18:19

Lordy. Honey, Kate is not your friend. You are in all probability never going to see her again after this holiday (I make no such predictions for your DH) so I would be tempted to tear her a new one. How dare she? Who texts to ask if you’re coming to lunch, doesn’t tell you where they are going but doesn’t check for a response from you either?? At the very least, call her out for this. Have some agency, for gods sake. She’s being deliberately disrespectful. Call it out.

Original poster

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 18:19

Mooflon12 · 07/08/2025 16:04

I need SO much more info here.

What have you been doing all day while they do their weird twosome activities? Why havent you gone too? How do they organise these private excursions? What do all of you talk about in the evenings etc? GIVE US MORE

Where we are staying it’s very much water sport activities and we have breakfast included in the hotel, although we are not staying there. All DC are doing windsurfing club but through the day, they are with us at the beach, in the water, doing kayaking with us or windsurfing. Neil is working every morning, My DH and Kate will go running around 7am. Then I will see DH back at the villa and I, DH and DC walk to the hotel for breakfast where we meet my friends. Today, they went running and DC had earlier session out on the water so I walked to the breakfast on my own. No one was there so I went to the beach and waited and my DH and Kate came back about 90min later saying that they hired paddle boards. I was annoyed that my DH didn’t tell me but I left it at that. All of us regrouped for lunch. Afterwards, DC went back to the club, Neil had to do some emails and I said I’m going back to the villa to get some plasters for my toe😬. I’m literally there for about 10min ( gone to the loo and looking for plasters ) and my DH is knocking on the door saying he is changing his top as he and Kate are going to the town. She came in and whilst he was changing his top, she was telling me about the shop she wants to show him. It’s all very innocent when I write it but there is something there which isn’t sitting right with me. And I will be very happy to hear that I’m being unreasonable

OP posts:

RealEagle · 07/08/2025 18:22

Op you should have let rip at them the other day for the lunch incident.

MyLimeGuide · 07/08/2025 18:24

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 18:19

Where we are staying it’s very much water sport activities and we have breakfast included in the hotel, although we are not staying there. All DC are doing windsurfing club but through the day, they are with us at the beach, in the water, doing kayaking with us or windsurfing. Neil is working every morning, My DH and Kate will go running around 7am. Then I will see DH back at the villa and I, DH and DC walk to the hotel for breakfast where we meet my friends. Today, they went running and DC had earlier session out on the water so I walked to the breakfast on my own. No one was there so I went to the beach and waited and my DH and Kate came back about 90min later saying that they hired paddle boards. I was annoyed that my DH didn’t tell me but I left it at that. All of us regrouped for lunch. Afterwards, DC went back to the club, Neil had to do some emails and I said I’m going back to the villa to get some plasters for my toe😬. I’m literally there for about 10min ( gone to the loo and looking for plasters ) and my DH is knocking on the door saying he is changing his top as he and Kate are going to the town. She came in and whilst he was changing his top, she was telling me about the shop she wants to show him. It’s all very innocent when I write it but there is something there which isn’t sitting right with me. And I will be very happy to hear that I’m being unreasonable

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Really shit. No one is going to say that! Sorry 😔 someone else said can you get on the sangria? Find a hot waiter? Sorry not helpful if know. Just sorry you are going through this on your holiday, people are evil.

JustSawJohnny · 07/08/2025 18:24

Stop guilting yourself about 'being grumpy' and say something.

I'd be asking at dinner, in front of her, what plans are for tomorrow and if they're going to involve you or if you're going to be the help again while DH swans off with his holiday wife?

They need calling out on their selfishness.

Even if it is innocent, your holiday is being ruined by their selfishness and your DH is clearly enjoying her attentions, which is hugely telling.

Waterbortle · 07/08/2025 18:24

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 18:19

Where we are staying it’s very much water sport activities and we have breakfast included in the hotel, although we are not staying there. All DC are doing windsurfing club but through the day, they are with us at the beach, in the water, doing kayaking with us or windsurfing. Neil is working every morning, My DH and Kate will go running around 7am. Then I will see DH back at the villa and I, DH and DC walk to the hotel for breakfast where we meet my friends. Today, they went running and DC had earlier session out on the water so I walked to the breakfast on my own. No one was there so I went to the beach and waited and my DH and Kate came back about 90min later saying that they hired paddle boards. I was annoyed that my DH didn’t tell me but I left it at that. All of us regrouped for lunch. Afterwards, DC went back to the club, Neil had to do some emails and I said I’m going back to the villa to get some plasters for my toe😬. I’m literally there for about 10min ( gone to the loo and looking for plasters ) and my DH is knocking on the door saying he is changing his top as he and Kate are going to the town. She came in and whilst he was changing his top, she was telling me about the shop she wants to show him. It’s all very innocent when I write it but there is something there which isn’t sitting right with me. And I will be very happy to hear that I’m being unreasonable

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It doesn't sound innocent to me.

You say you can walk OK, wouldn't you like to see this special shop too (or others)? Surely the only thing to say is "we're going into town, are you coming? Kate want to show us special shop". That's why it feels off, it's something you could have easily been included in and weren't

AngelicKaty · 07/08/2025 18:27

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 18:19

Where we are staying it’s very much water sport activities and we have breakfast included in the hotel, although we are not staying there. All DC are doing windsurfing club but through the day, they are with us at the beach, in the water, doing kayaking with us or windsurfing. Neil is working every morning, My DH and Kate will go running around 7am. Then I will see DH back at the villa and I, DH and DC walk to the hotel for breakfast where we meet my friends. Today, they went running and DC had earlier session out on the water so I walked to the breakfast on my own. No one was there so I went to the beach and waited and my DH and Kate came back about 90min later saying that they hired paddle boards. I was annoyed that my DH didn’t tell me but I left it at that. All of us regrouped for lunch. Afterwards, DC went back to the club, Neil had to do some emails and I said I’m going back to the villa to get some plasters for my toe😬. I’m literally there for about 10min ( gone to the loo and looking for plasters ) and my DH is knocking on the door saying he is changing his top as he and Kate are going to the town. She came in and whilst he was changing his top, she was telling me about the shop she wants to show him. It’s all very innocent when I write it but there is something there which isn’t sitting right with me. And I will be very happy to hear that I’m being unreasonable

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Yes, sorry OP, but it seems like most of us agree with you about something not sitting right and we don't think you're being unreasonable.
Did needing a plaster for your toe preclude you from being able to walk into town with your DH and Kate? Is that why they didn't ask you? If not, why didn't she think you might be interested in the shop she was so keen to show your DH?

Wishimaywishimight · 07/08/2025 18:28

I think you know it's far from innocent. Even if they aren't shagging, they clearly enjoy each other's company very much and are intentionally excluding you. This is going in one direction, you really need to pull your DH up, don't just sit there and let them make a mug of you.

NotSmallButFunSize · 07/08/2025 18:28

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 17:48

We literally always doing something and only spend time 30 min lying around on the beach at one time. But I always find myself being on my own and they end up doing stuff together. For example two days ago, she texted that they are going for a lunch and if I’m coming ( my DH and DC were with her at the beach and didn’t have phones). I texted straight away and asked her to let me know where they are going. 30 mins later I phoned her asking where are we going and she said she didn’t check the messages and they are already eating. It was her, my DH and all of the DC. I found that so frustrating. I popped over to the villa to get something and they all go for the lunch but somehow I’m being left out

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I don't understand how you never seem to be with him, he's always texting you?

We've just been away with friends and the default was DH was with me and then we asked our friends what they were up to - I can't imagine a scenario where I would have been elsewhere and then he and my friend "invite" me to lunch via a text?! As if they are the default and I was just, "ah, see if funsize is free?"

Weird

SpaceRaccoon · 07/08/2025 18:29

She came in and whilst he was changing his top, she was telling me about the shop she wants to show him. It’s all very innocent when I write it but there is something there which isn’t sitting right with me.

See I wouldn't find that innocent at all, I'd be absolutely like wtf?! Why is he just casually announcing he's swanning off to town with her instead of you?

Pregnancyquestion · 07/08/2025 18:30

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 18:19

Where we are staying it’s very much water sport activities and we have breakfast included in the hotel, although we are not staying there. All DC are doing windsurfing club but through the day, they are with us at the beach, in the water, doing kayaking with us or windsurfing. Neil is working every morning, My DH and Kate will go running around 7am. Then I will see DH back at the villa and I, DH and DC walk to the hotel for breakfast where we meet my friends. Today, they went running and DC had earlier session out on the water so I walked to the breakfast on my own. No one was there so I went to the beach and waited and my DH and Kate came back about 90min later saying that they hired paddle boards. I was annoyed that my DH didn’t tell me but I left it at that. All of us regrouped for lunch. Afterwards, DC went back to the club, Neil had to do some emails and I said I’m going back to the villa to get some plasters for my toe😬. I’m literally there for about 10min ( gone to the loo and looking for plasters ) and my DH is knocking on the door saying he is changing his top as he and Kate are going to the town. She came in and whilst he was changing his top, she was telling me about the shop she wants to show him. It’s all very innocent when I write it but there is something there which isn’t sitting right with me. And I will be very happy to hear that I’m being unreasonable

Show quote history

Of course it could be innocent, I don’t think it’s 100% that they want to jump each other, but they clearly are getting on well and excluding you and it’s rude. They’ve made you feel left out like you’re teenagers at school, and he’s your bloody husband. I would deffo bring it up at dinner say “Neil you should take the day off tomorrow, your wife needs the company and I want my husband back!”