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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

On holiday and I don’t know if I’m unreasonable!

642 replies

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 15:01

I’m really hoping for some perspective here. We are currently in Spain with my friends for a holiday. It’s us ( myself, DH and DC 14,16 ) and my friends ( Kate, Neil, DC 14,17) obviously names are changed. Kate was my friend for a few years through the activities. They invited us for a holiday with them. We booked two different villas about 5min walk from each other and right on the beach. Since we got here, Kate and my DH are spending more and more time together. This is our full third day here, and so far today, they met running at 7am and booked a spontaneous paddle boarding for themselves at 10am. We were all on the beach later and went for a lunch. I went back to the villa to get some plasters and they both turned up. My DH said he is changing his top as he and Kate will walk to the town to get a few bits. All of the DC are spending their time on the beach learning windsurfing with the local club so I don’t need DH to help with childcare. Kate’s husband Neil has a work project to do so he spends about 5 hours a day working in their villa. I’m starting to feel like a 3rd wheel to my friend and my DH. I’m getting grumpy when I’m around them and I don’t want to push him away but I don’t know how to get out of this mood. And another thing which got me thinking is at the dinner, Kate asked for a sparkling water and my DH said he wants some too. He never drank fucking sparkling water but when I pulled him on it, he said it’s because I only drink a still water so he did too. So for years you were drinking still water because of me? Have a sparkling water if you want! Something is feeling odd and I can’t put my finger on it

OP posts:
AngelicKaty · 07/08/2025 18:30

JustSawJohnny · 07/08/2025 18:24

Stop guilting yourself about 'being grumpy' and say something.

I'd be asking at dinner, in front of her, what plans are for tomorrow and if they're going to involve you or if you're going to be the help again while DH swans off with his holiday wife?

They need calling out on their selfishness.

Even if it is innocent, your holiday is being ruined by their selfishness and your DH is clearly enjoying her attentions, which is hugely telling.

The trouble is we have to remember that the DC are 2 x 14, 16 and 17 so they will be at dinner too. OP really can't say anything in front of the DC at dinner.

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/08/2025 18:31

At the very least they are being selfish - but it defo sounds like there is an attraction there, and if I was you I would be keeping a careful eye on things. And watch the alcohol intake of them both too…. just saying. You mentioned something to him and he got angry? Hmmm, that’s telling too. Sorry op, this sounds really shitty.

AngelicKaty · 07/08/2025 18:32

Isittimeformynapyet · 07/08/2025 18:18

Ah, so just dropping them then.

Yes, but really s l o w l y ... so it takes a while for them to cotton on that they're being dropped. 😉

Lionness5 · 07/08/2025 18:32

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 17:24

Yes, thank you! I honestly don’t think they are having affair as they only met each other a few times before the holiday. It’s the inconsideration which is annoying me. And it’s from both of them

Sorry, but you're naive to think they can't be having an affair because they've only met a few times before. It is 100% weird they both texted to ask if you were coming to the beach. They are checking if the coast is clear. He got angry when you spoke to him when a decent man would have reassured you.

Pregnancyquestion · 07/08/2025 18:32

Honestly I’m annoyed on your behalf. I’d show him this thread if he gaslights you

Epidote · 07/08/2025 18:32

They are leaving you on the side on purpose. Very mean and disrespectful.
You can go to the lunch and to the shops but they are acting like lovers in a honey moon all day together.
Don't be grumpy because if you are they will turn it on you. Bla bla you are making a scene, bla bla you are paranoid etc.
Insert yourself in the activities, make activities for you and your husband only and go for it. Anticipation will be your allie.
Once you are back f off Kate.

Isittimeformynapyet · 07/08/2025 18:33

AngelicKaty · 07/08/2025 18:32

Yes, but really s l o w l y ... so it takes a while for them to cotton on that they're being dropped. 😉

I get it 👍🏻

Datafan55 · 07/08/2025 18:33

AngelicKaty · 07/08/2025 18:16

Oh, it's really easy actually.

  • You never initiate contact with them again.
  • Every time they message trying to set up a get-together, you don't reply for a day, then send the briefest of messages along the lines "Sorry Kate, I've been really busy and only just seen your message. I'll check my diary and get back to you." Then don't.
  • Similarly, if she phones: "Sorry Kate, I'm up to my elbows in stuff at the moment - can I call you back?" Then don't.
  • Repeat ad nauseum.
  • If they don't get the message and message you more explicitly, such as: "I've been trying to contact you for ages, but you're not responding. Is there anything wrong?" Just. Don't. Reply. 😉

I'd be a bit more blunt than that :-)

Lionness5 · 07/08/2025 18:34

Pregnancyquestion · 07/08/2025 18:32

Honestly I’m annoyed on your behalf. I’d show him this thread if he gaslights you

It's never the right advice to show a twat husband a thread about him. He won't suddenly go, I won't listen to the woman I said I loved but I'll behave as a load of strangers have been mean about me.

PrincessScarlett · 07/08/2025 18:34

I would be telling Kate at dinner that you are going to spend the day as a family tomorrow. You need to start putting some distance between the two families.

Thank Christ you are in separate villas.

Waterbortle · 07/08/2025 18:35

AngelicKaty · 07/08/2025 18:30

The trouble is we have to remember that the DC are 2 x 14, 16 and 17 so they will be at dinner too. OP really can't say anything in front of the DC at dinner.

I think she can say, in front of everyone, I'm feeling a bit left out, I know it's rubbish that I can't do everything, but can we plan something I can be included in for tomorrow?"

Or "Its a pain that I'm not able to do all the things I'd usually do on holiday and am not getting much time with DH. I'd like to plan something for the two of us tommorrow"

PinkyFlamingo · 07/08/2025 18:36

You really need to stop being so passive and say something.

Waterbortle · 07/08/2025 18:37

I think it's too late for distancing the families to solve it. They're "friends" now, they'll keep in contact as individuals, even if the family stuff stops.

AngelicKaty · 07/08/2025 18:38

SpaceRaccoon · 07/08/2025 18:29

She came in and whilst he was changing his top, she was telling me about the shop she wants to show him. It’s all very innocent when I write it but there is something there which isn’t sitting right with me.

See I wouldn't find that innocent at all, I'd be absolutely like wtf?! Why is he just casually announcing he's swanning off to town with her instead of you?

Indeed. And unless there was some reason why I couldn't walk into town with them I'd be asking Kate "Oh, aren't I invited then? Don't you think I'd be interested in this shop too?" And at some point later (after speaking seriously to DH) I'd be asking her in a private talk why she's monopolising my DH on holiday?

Mumofnarnia · 07/08/2025 18:38

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 18:19

Where we are staying it’s very much water sport activities and we have breakfast included in the hotel, although we are not staying there. All DC are doing windsurfing club but through the day, they are with us at the beach, in the water, doing kayaking with us or windsurfing. Neil is working every morning, My DH and Kate will go running around 7am. Then I will see DH back at the villa and I, DH and DC walk to the hotel for breakfast where we meet my friends. Today, they went running and DC had earlier session out on the water so I walked to the breakfast on my own. No one was there so I went to the beach and waited and my DH and Kate came back about 90min later saying that they hired paddle boards. I was annoyed that my DH didn’t tell me but I left it at that. All of us regrouped for lunch. Afterwards, DC went back to the club, Neil had to do some emails and I said I’m going back to the villa to get some plasters for my toe😬. I’m literally there for about 10min ( gone to the loo and looking for plasters ) and my DH is knocking on the door saying he is changing his top as he and Kate are going to the town. She came in and whilst he was changing his top, she was telling me about the shop she wants to show him. It’s all very innocent when I write it but there is something there which isn’t sitting right with me. And I will be very happy to hear that I’m being unreasonable

How do you know they didn’t turn up at your villa to have a little moment together? But obviously saw you were there so made some excuse up about your DH changing his top. All seems weird to me. Why does she need to accompany your DH back to the villa to change his top? Does he need Kate to hold his hand to get back to the villa and help him change his clothes. How do you know they’ve not been back to the villa together before and you just thought they were out doing their sport.

Id definitely be confronting your DH and telling him either he leaves her alone or your marriage is ruined! Going out for lunch and taking the kids but not asking you? I’d be raging so much id have got my arse down there to ask them what they thought they were playing at and why they decided to exclude you! Who does Kate think she is spending so much time with her friend’s husband. If she’s your friend she should be spending it with you not him! Wow op I’m so angry on your behalf! 😡

samarrange · 07/08/2025 18:40

Taking a step back, you have two adults who are mobile, two who are not (one injured and one working for several hours), and four teenagers. You described two activities that Kate and DH did together, both of which would not have been available to you, both of which sound like fun things to do on a presumably not-cheap holiday with the clock ticking.

Without knowing much about the villa/room situation, it seems unlikely that DH and Kate are shagging, because there is presumably a substantial chance of one of the DC walking in (or hearing). They presumably aren't be at windsurfing class 8 hours a day.

The other thing that occurs to me is that it's going to be very hard for you to raise the issue in anything other than the gentlest terms. If you even remotely insinuate that you suspect that anything is not 100% above board, the holiday will be over in an instant, whatever the truth of the matter. Even if you only insinuate it to your DH.

You could maybe suggest some concrete activities, "How about we do X tomorrow, maybe Neil could join us if he doesn't have a Zoom call", but I think you're going to have to accept that if DH and Kate are sporty, they won't need you around, any more than if it was DH and Neil, with Kate working (assuming nobody is bi, etc etc). But anything much more than "Perhaps we can do X tomorrow since we can all go" is going to open the floodgates, which might not be what you want for you and your DC, even if the worst case is true.

Or, as they say in French, il est urgent d'attendre. Make some gentle suggestions of activities, maybe work on Neil a bit (perhaps he only has work for a few days), and if DH/Kate continue to not involve you, give DH both barrels when you get back home.

KnittingDiva · 07/08/2025 18:41

Like the others say, this is not on at all, I would be raging with both of them. You can't do the paddle boarding but he could instead go for a hike with you.
This friendship they have struck up is a bit weird especially as it has developed while on a holiday with their spouses (as opposed to e.g a college friendship).

You just have to have it out with him (leave her out of it).

Littlejellyuk · 07/08/2025 18:43

Hiya OP 👋
I have skimmed through tft and I am picking my jaw up off the floor. 😬
So let me get this straight, your pal Kate is on her own, as her hubby is always working, but your hubby has stepped in (like a holiday hubby) so that Kate can have a plus1 to do activities, and that then means that you are now on your own, during your holiday? No 👎 Absolutely not. 👎
What the Actual Fuck??? 😳😳😳

You have a husband problem.
You need to make a point of asking him when are you and him going to do things ALONE JUST THE TWO OF US during your holiday?
As you are being treated like a third wheel, and that's not okay.
If he says, oh well Kate will be on her own, then you need to correct him and say that currently YOU ARE ALWAYS LEFT ON YOUR OWN.
What does Kates fella Neil say about all this? Or is he oblivious? 🤔

As for cannot put your finger on it???
I would be using said finger to POKE YOUR HUSBAND IN HIS EYE AND MAKE HIM WAKE UP, AND TELL HIM TO STOP BEING A RUDE FUCKER. 😠 😡 😤
My piss is boiling hot for you 🔥
I hope you're okay, and please have a cocktail for me, as I need to calm down 😆

Gonksarecooler · 07/08/2025 18:43

For goodness sake - wake up!!!! Kate is NOT your friend. She is also incredibly manipulative! Your husband is lapping up the attention and probably thinks he is Gods Gift at the minute. All of this is at your expense.

Don’t be bloody naive - IF you want to keep him (and I am not sure I would after him showing himself up and embarrassing himself like this) then stop pissing about! Rip her bloody head off, tell her to fuck off and spend time with her OWN husband and stop fucking about with other people's!

Tell your husband he has a choice to make - he has no more contact with her or he is going to be single. He needs a very short, sharp shock to jolt him out of this daze he appears to be in! The reality of losing his marriage just may (if you are lucky) be enough to save it.

If he kicks off/strops/protests - then you pack your stuff and go home (preferably with DC).

Take it from someone who I suspect is a lot older than you and seen this kind of crap happen many times - there are times in life you make a bloody big scene and stand up for yourself or spend your life getting walked all over!

Reading this thread is like watching a car crash in slow motion! If you don’t slam the brakes on right now then there is only going to be one inevitable outcome!

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 18:45

beetr00 · 07/08/2025 16:41

@SunnyBlueSeal

"I just had a text from my DH saying if I’m going back to the beach and another one from Kate asking if I’m coming to the beach"

Too late now, but I'd have texted him yes and "Kate" no 😉

You've spoken to your husband, you could speak to "Kate" too and where on earth is "Neil" in this dynamic? Is he blind?

I'd be mortified with my husband if he pulled this sort of stunt!

eta; and what do your kids think, they're both old enough to notice Daddy's disappearing acts with "auntie Kate"?

Edited

My DC are definitely not blind to it. Two nights ago, her DC were in our villa because they wanted to watch a movie together with my DC, Me and DH went to bed and fell asleep. Kate apparently turned up in our villa at 11pm all dressed up and sat downstairs ( in our villa ) watching movie with them. My DC were asking me next day, why she would turn up so late, and my DD added, in the dress which barely covered her bottom. They also asked me yesterday to be nice to daddy in front of our friends. It did break my heart tbh because I am being snappy with him. Even if he behaves like an arsehole, my children deserve good holiday

OP posts:
Pregnancyquestion · 07/08/2025 18:46

samarrange · 07/08/2025 18:40

Taking a step back, you have two adults who are mobile, two who are not (one injured and one working for several hours), and four teenagers. You described two activities that Kate and DH did together, both of which would not have been available to you, both of which sound like fun things to do on a presumably not-cheap holiday with the clock ticking.

Without knowing much about the villa/room situation, it seems unlikely that DH and Kate are shagging, because there is presumably a substantial chance of one of the DC walking in (or hearing). They presumably aren't be at windsurfing class 8 hours a day.

The other thing that occurs to me is that it's going to be very hard for you to raise the issue in anything other than the gentlest terms. If you even remotely insinuate that you suspect that anything is not 100% above board, the holiday will be over in an instant, whatever the truth of the matter. Even if you only insinuate it to your DH.

You could maybe suggest some concrete activities, "How about we do X tomorrow, maybe Neil could join us if he doesn't have a Zoom call", but I think you're going to have to accept that if DH and Kate are sporty, they won't need you around, any more than if it was DH and Neil, with Kate working (assuming nobody is bi, etc etc). But anything much more than "Perhaps we can do X tomorrow since we can all go" is going to open the floodgates, which might not be what you want for you and your DC, even if the worst case is true.

Or, as they say in French, il est urgent d'attendre. Make some gentle suggestions of activities, maybe work on Neil a bit (perhaps he only has work for a few days), and if DH/Kate continue to not involve you, give DH both barrels when you get back home.

If I’m on holiday with my DW and she is injured I’m not going to start a new running habit, and go off with her friend to do things my DW can’t do without talking to her first. They also went for lunch without her and went to town together without inviting her.

MagpiePi · 07/08/2025 18:47

At the very least I’d be telling him that Kate is making him look a fool, and doesn’t he realise she’s leading him on.

Guavafish1 · 07/08/2025 18:47

Your childcare

other DH working

these two are having a holiday

Mrsbloggz · 07/08/2025 18:48

Start chatting up the Spanish waiters & see how he likes it?

JustSawJohnny · 07/08/2025 18:49

AngelicKaty · 07/08/2025 18:30

The trouble is we have to remember that the DC are 2 x 14, 16 and 17 so they will be at dinner too. OP really can't say anything in front of the DC at dinner.

Usually they break away after pud though, no? While adults are having a few wines?

I'm obviously not suggesting OP be passive aggressive in front of the kids 🙄

Interesting that the kids ARE noticing, though.