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AIBU?

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Original poster

On holiday and I don’t know if I’m unreasonable!

642 replies

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 15:01

I’m really hoping for some perspective here. We are currently in Spain with my friends for a holiday. It’s us ( myself, DH and DC 14,16 ) and my friends ( Kate, Neil, DC 14,17) obviously names are changed. Kate was my friend for a few years through the activities. They invited us for a holiday with them. We booked two different villas about 5min walk from each other and right on the beach. Since we got here, Kate and my DH are spending more and more time together. This is our full third day here, and so far today, they met running at 7am and booked a spontaneous paddle boarding for themselves at 10am. We were all on the beach later and went for a lunch. I went back to the villa to get some plasters and they both turned up. My DH said he is changing his top as he and Kate will walk to the town to get a few bits. All of the DC are spending their time on the beach learning windsurfing with the local club so I don’t need DH to help with childcare. Kate’s husband Neil has a work project to do so he spends about 5 hours a day working in their villa. I’m starting to feel like a 3rd wheel to my friend and my DH. I’m getting grumpy when I’m around them and I don’t want to push him away but I don’t know how to get out of this mood. And another thing which got me thinking is at the dinner, Kate asked for a sparkling water and my DH said he wants some too. He never drank fucking sparkling water but when I pulled him on it, he said it’s because I only drink a still water so he did too. So for years you were drinking still water because of me? Have a sparkling water if you want! Something is feeling odd and I can’t put my finger on it

OP posts:
AngelicKaty · 07/08/2025 17:26

SiameseBlueEyes · 07/08/2025 17:19

I have no idea why you think they're not having an affair. It's called cheating in plain sight. He's obviously keen as mustard and she's the one setting up these excursions. She is not your friend.

Lots of people are urging you to nip it in the bud. I think I'd be just too disgusted with my husband if he'd ever done something like this to readily if ever forgive him. Having an affair is one thing but doing it with your wife's friend while on holiday and making your own wife feel like a gooseberry is an even worse level of behaviour. It's also astonishing that he gets angry when you challenge his behaviour. He'd rather you were upset than stop spending so much time with Kate and that tells you everything really.

I think I'd be having a cosy chat with Neil about Kate's extraordinary behaviour - pretend concern about her mental health. She shouldn't be getting away with this behaviour having robbed a grenade into your marriage - lob it right back into hers.

I also don't think they're having an affair, but like OP, I do believe her DH is attracted to Kate and is being rather cavalier and obvious about it (and very hurtful to OP, but then so is Kate). They both need a damn good talking to before they make fools of themselves (and OP and Kate's DH).

Sunaquarius · 07/08/2025 17:27

No this is totally inappropriate. Even if they both share the same interests, he should be spending majority of his 1 on 1 time with you, not another woman. Even if I was interested in paddle boarding, I would decline if it meant spending an inappropriate amount of time with another person.

nam3c4ang3 · 07/08/2025 17:27

Have you tried speaking to your husband?

chatgptsbestmate · 07/08/2025 17:30

Speak to your husband. Tell him to stop doing things with Kate and do things just you and him

See what he says

I think I know what he'll say

Please report back ❤️

Nachoinseachthu · 07/08/2025 17:32

My view changed when you said you had an injury. If this is a time for precious little downtime, with all sorts of fun outdoor activities in a beautiful natural landscape, I can see how a person could easily be thoughtless enough not to let the matter of your injury get in the way of their fun time. Yes, it would definitely put my nose out of joint too, but perhaps it’s harmless.

AngelicKaty · 07/08/2025 17:32

Kreepture · 07/08/2025 17:25

you need to approach this head on, and tell both of them you're sick of being left out and feeling like a third wheel.

Indeed. OP may be recovering from an injury, but she's told us she can walk, so when her DH returned to the villa to change his shirt to walk into town with Kate, why didn't he tell OP what they were doing to find out if she wanted to go too? There was absolutely no reason to exclude OP from this "activity".

Campingisnexttogodliness · 07/08/2025 17:33

Book a table for 2 for tonight. If he isn't keen ask him why...

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 17:36

I don't think they are having an affair.
However I do think they are all behaving appallingly ( except OP!)
Neil has effectively abandoned his wife on holiday - he sounds mentally checked out of his marriage.
Suspect this has left Kate feeling humiliated, unloved and in need of an ego/ confidence boost.
She is seeking this by latching on to DH and encouraging him to lavish time and attention on her, and he is being flattered / carried along with it.
It's unbelievably rude, inappropriate and insensitive but she is in her own head about her failing relationship and her own needs and hasn't even thought about you. As PP has said, she is not the sort of friend you want.
DH has allowed himself to be flattered by the attention and her wanting to spend time with him. He needs sitting down and talking to about your feelings.
He doesn't sound great TBH.
If he changes his behaviour and apologises once he knows how much this has upset you then that's one thing.
If he goes on the defensive and dismissed your feelings that's more worrying.

StrongTea · 07/08/2025 17:36

It might be that Kate is miffed her husband is working so much on holiday, and she’s making sure he knows she is “entertained” Not that she is keen on your husband

StrongTea · 07/08/2025 17:36

It might be that Kate is miffed her husband is working so much on holiday, and she’s making sure he knows she is “entertained” Not that she is keen on your husband

MyLimeGuide · 07/08/2025 17:39

StrongTea · 07/08/2025 17:36

It might be that Kate is miffed her husband is working so much on holiday, and she’s making sure he knows she is “entertained” Not that she is keen on your husband

Yeah probably. At OPs expense 😒

bellamorgan · 07/08/2025 17:39

Definitely be dropping that friendship once home with a slow burn.

Dh needs to remember his on holiday with his wife and children not Kate.

Mumofnarnia · 07/08/2025 17:43

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 17:06

Yes Neil is shaggable and also a very lovely person. I would definitely not cross the boundaries of spending the time doing activities on our own. The only time we were together is when all of us are in the group

Show quote history

Maybe you should start spending more time with her DH. See how they both like that!

LadyLapsang · 07/08/2025 17:45

Can you encourage Neil to stop working, enjoy his holiday and have some one to one time with his wife.

LadyLapsang · 07/08/2025 17:48

I think @Bearlionfalcon has the measure of the situation.

Original poster
SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 17:48

ShallIstart · 07/08/2025 16:21

Why didnt the invite to paddle boarding, running and shops extend to you?
What were you planning to so with the day?
I guess if youbwere planning to sit arpund the pool and DH is bored then I wouldnt have a problem. But if I had plans for the day and they did things without an invite then I would be pissed off.
Did you have any plans to do any activities. Sittjng around a villa whilw kids are off ona course is quite boring so maybe hes just filling his time.

We literally always doing something and only spend time 30 min lying around on the beach at one time. But I always find myself being on my own and they end up doing stuff together. For example two days ago, she texted that they are going for a lunch and if I’m coming ( my DH and DC were with her at the beach and didn’t have phones). I texted straight away and asked her to let me know where they are going. 30 mins later I phoned her asking where are we going and she said she didn’t check the messages and they are already eating. It was her, my DH and all of the DC. I found that so frustrating. I popped over to the villa to get something and they all go for the lunch but somehow I’m being left out

OP posts:
WinWhenTheyreSinging · 07/08/2025 17:49

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 17:48

We literally always doing something and only spend time 30 min lying around on the beach at one time. But I always find myself being on my own and they end up doing stuff together. For example two days ago, she texted that they are going for a lunch and if I’m coming ( my DH and DC were with her at the beach and didn’t have phones). I texted straight away and asked her to let me know where they are going. 30 mins later I phoned her asking where are we going and she said she didn’t check the messages and they are already eating. It was her, my DH and all of the DC. I found that so frustrating. I popped over to the villa to get something and they all go for the lunch but somehow I’m being left out

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I would hit the bloody roof at this rudeness.

Snowpatrolling · 07/08/2025 17:51

In response to them asking if you’re coming to the beach, my reply would be “not yet I’m going to have a word with Neil.” set the dynamite alight and watch them panic.
then go and have that word with Neil.

SheridansPortSalut · 07/08/2025 17:51

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 17:48

We literally always doing something and only spend time 30 min lying around on the beach at one time. But I always find myself being on my own and they end up doing stuff together. For example two days ago, she texted that they are going for a lunch and if I’m coming ( my DH and DC were with her at the beach and didn’t have phones). I texted straight away and asked her to let me know where they are going. 30 mins later I phoned her asking where are we going and she said she didn’t check the messages and they are already eating. It was her, my DH and all of the DC. I found that so frustrating. I popped over to the villa to get something and they all go for the lunch but somehow I’m being left out

Show quote history

That's awful.

Madformaltesers · 07/08/2025 17:52

Wow about the lunch thing - what was your husband’s excuse for that? I would be flying home

winzomm · 07/08/2025 17:52

Oh I'd have a meltdown and probably would regret making a show of myself, but it would be from the heart. I can't keep it in or stay quiet if I feel I am being neglected, ignored, or disrespected. The response is usually enough to reset things in our house anyway. Nothing too heavy happens like in this OP, but you get the drift.

If you do go down my meltdown route, be prepared for a huge gaslighting response, or anger. The response to my meltdowns which are usually about who left shit in the car or who didn't do the shopping/spent hours at the TV, ignored me (didn't want to hear and tuned me out lol), that kind of thing. Usually ends up with a red face on both of us and a wry smile. See what happens.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 07/08/2025 17:52

It's a crush. They are attracted to eachother. It's obvious. I'd be blunt and say it to my dh if I were OP.

Americano75 · 07/08/2025 17:53

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 17:48

We literally always doing something and only spend time 30 min lying around on the beach at one time. But I always find myself being on my own and they end up doing stuff together. For example two days ago, she texted that they are going for a lunch and if I’m coming ( my DH and DC were with her at the beach and didn’t have phones). I texted straight away and asked her to let me know where they are going. 30 mins later I phoned her asking where are we going and she said she didn’t check the messages and they are already eating. It was her, my DH and all of the DC. I found that so frustrating. I popped over to the villa to get something and they all go for the lunch but somehow I’m being left out

Show quote history

That's really nasty!

AlphaApple · 07/08/2025 17:54

Your DH and Kate are both being monumentally rude and insensitive. I would be having it out with them both!

RealEagle · 07/08/2025 17:54

I would have deffo said something about the lunch ,to both of them .Its fucking rude .