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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if you had your own Mother present when you gave birth?

308 replies

Wiseplumant · 07/08/2025 14:34

I am interested in this because my own mother died years before my DD was born, so it was never an issue. I think I would have been fairly horrified at the thought! But then I was only 15 when she died, so we may have had a closer relationship by the time I had kids of my own. Did anyone decide to have their Mother present but changed their mind when it came to time. Or did you definitely decide you didn't want her there, but changed your mind and really needed her there? What about women who were with their daughters as they gave birth, did you want to /feel privalaged to be there? Or was it very traumatic for you,but you felt that if your daughter wanted you there you would be there no matter what?

OP posts:
Tisfortired · 07/08/2025 17:54

For my first DC, I had my mum and my partner with me all the way through. I was only 20, terrified and just wanted my mum 😂 it was fine and my mum was so happy to be there for his birth. For my subsequent DCs it has just been my (now) husband.

AutumnFoxe · 07/08/2025 17:54

diterictur · 07/08/2025 16:00

Well I find it utterly peculiar that you would marry and have children with someone who you consider useless and who wouldn't advocate for you.

Show quote history

Not really peculiar at all. He has asd and adhd and believes professionals are professionals for a reason. Ergo if a midwife said something i disagreed with he would get stressed and tell me to do what the professional tells me to. Not helpful but doesn't make him a bad partner.

strangeandfamiliar · 07/08/2025 17:58

No chance.

Mumofsoontobe3 · 07/08/2025 18:01

No. My mum didn't know I was pregnant 2 out of 3 pregnancies and I was NC throughout and still am now. Those at conception are those that made it to the delivery room. So me and Dh.

SardinesOnGingerbread · 07/08/2025 18:02

diterictur · 07/08/2025 14:38

I would have hated this.

I realise some women have very co dependent relationships with their mothers and basically treat them as the co parent with the father of the child as a hanger on but that's not my thing

I had this rather mean thought too, but then I had a very difficult relationship with my mother. Perhaps other mothers are so nurturing and kind that we'd have wanted them there.

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/08/2025 18:04

Not a chance.

If you weren't in the room when they were made, you don't need to be in the room when they are born either.

diterictur · 07/08/2025 18:09

SardinesOnGingerbread · 07/08/2025 18:02

I had this rather mean thought too, but then I had a very difficult relationship with my mother. Perhaps other mothers are so nurturing and kind that we'd have wanted them there.

Show quote history

I think it's possible. I also did not have a great relationship with my mother.

But I also think that there are some really different ways of doing things in different communities.

I am in London and I would say very normal in my circle is equal parenting - often both parents working part time or flexibly - and very few people have regular grandparent support or grandparents nearby at all.

In other areas of the country, women live very close to their mums and their mums do more raising of the kids than the dads do and there's lots of jokey "oh men, what are they like?!" In that latter context, having your mum there at the birth is just going to feel quite different.

Maybe it's because I didn't have a great mum but I never wanted the latter type of family model. Always wanted a DH who would be a great support and an equal partner.

Lemonadeat8 · 07/08/2025 18:09

Yes but I wouldn’t again.

She was very much prim and proper at the birth. I had to be covered with a sheet for her comfort whilst pushing, I couldn’t breastfeed, it just was too clinical.
I accidentally passed wind while pushing and she was mortified and told me off. I had the baby’s head sat on my back passage for god sake.

Rewis · 07/08/2025 18:14

IRL I idyllic know one case where someone had their mother in the delivery room. The babies father had died during pregnancy.

Are we talking about having mum there in addition to partner or them being the support person. If I didn't have a partner, then i could see having my mum there. But my partner and my mother? Nope.

Otherwise Internet is the only place ive heard women having more than one person in the delivery room.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/08/2025 18:14

I have been thinking about this thread, and now I am kicking myself for not asking my wonderful MIL to be there for the birth of ds1 - I think she would have been a great support for me and for dh, and she’d have loved being there for the arrival of her first grandchild.

She was an amazing MIL, and I was so lucky to have her in my life.

My mum, on the other hand, wouldn’t have been at all sympathetic or supportive - as I said earlier, if she had even bothered to come.

0psiedasiy · 07/08/2025 18:19

My mum was there for my first, it wasn’t planned, she came for DH to go and get something to eat, but when she arrived it was the time for the baby to be born. I wouldn’t have planned for her to be born it just happened.

Dolphinosep0tatoes · 07/08/2025 18:23

diterictur · 07/08/2025 14:38

I would have hated this.

I realise some women have very co dependent relationships with their mothers and basically treat them as the co parent with the father of the child as a hanger on but that's not my thing

I don't think people fall into "no way" or "yes because we're codependent" and it seems somewhat insulting to those who'd like their mothers with them

Twodogsisbetterthanone · 07/08/2025 18:25

My mum was there for my first, the dad massively let me down by not being present when he should have been, so I made him wait outside.
the others she was the babysitter, so it was me and exH

Disturbia81 · 07/08/2025 18:26

No.. love my mum but she wouldn’t have been the best support.

Wineisalwaysagoodidea · 07/08/2025 18:27

My DM was there alongside my DH when I gave birth. My DM is calm, practical and easy going.
I realise it’s not for everyone and very much each to their own.
Maybe a ‘normal’ thing for us to consider as my maternal grandmother was the midwife assisting the doc when my DM gave birth to me

imnotwhoyouthinkiam · 07/08/2025 18:28

I wasn't sure if I wanted her there or not, but when it came to it I'm so glad she was. Then DP was fucking useless.

cookiemon666 · 07/08/2025 18:28

My mum has been at the birth of all my kids. Couldn't have done it without her

Disturbia81 · 07/08/2025 18:28

Lemonadeat8 · 07/08/2025 18:09

Yes but I wouldn’t again.

She was very much prim and proper at the birth. I had to be covered with a sheet for her comfort whilst pushing, I couldn’t breastfeed, it just was too clinical.
I accidentally passed wind while pushing and she was mortified and told me off. I had the baby’s head sat on my back passage for god sake.

God that’s awful, birth isn’t neat and tidy! She’d have loved me as I did a big poo during contractions 😂 We are making human beings FFS

Glendaruel · 07/08/2025 18:36

I hoped to, but then covid meant I laboured alone in hospital for 20hrs until my one designated person - my husband was permitted in. I wish it had been different, my husband walked into a room prepping for an emergency c section and was clueless. My mum isn't just a random person, she gave birth to me, raised me. She was there supporting me when I had a bad miscarriage and needed to be hospilized. She was able to advocate for me and was support my then partner when I couldn't. Not everyone has that relationship, but im glad I do.

AutumnFoxe · 07/08/2025 18:37

Rewis · 07/08/2025 18:14

IRL I idyllic know one case where someone had their mother in the delivery room. The babies father had died during pregnancy.

Are we talking about having mum there in addition to partner or them being the support person. If I didn't have a partner, then i could see having my mum there. But my partner and my mother? Nope.

Otherwise Internet is the only place ive heard women having more than one person in the delivery room.

Edited

Common for everyone i know to have 2 birth partners.

AIBU to ask if you had your own Mother present when you gave birth?
Weepixie · 07/08/2025 18:37

I’m a granny to 8 and was present at the birth of all 8 of my grandchildren. I never asked to be present but my daughters and daughters (in law) all asked me to be there. At some of the births the dads to be were also there but at others I was the only person apart from medical staff, and at one of the births I was there with my daughter (in laws) mum due to a language barrier.

None if the births were the same though they were all beautiful.

ginasevern · 07/08/2025 18:37

I gave birth in the 70's and (to my knowledge) nobody was allowed in back then. But, even if they were, I would not have wanted my mother, husband, best friend or anyone. The thought makes me shudder to be honest but I appreciate that's probably just me.

Drfosters · 07/08/2025 18:39

I am immensely close to my mum but she was adamant that it was an experience between me and and my husband alone and it wasn’t for her to intrude on that. She raced over when we called her after though!

hiredandsqueak · 07/08/2025 18:39

No because she had died when I was a teen. I would have hated it anyway I didn't even have dh with me, he's squeamish and I hate being fussed over. I did stay with dd and saw dgs born because she asked me to because she was going to be a single parent. It was a huge privilege and I was in awe of dd's strength as I'm one who wants an epidural preferably before I get a twinge where dd needed just an odd puff on gas and air.

Toomanywaterbottles · 07/08/2025 18:39

Absolutely not. But they lived hundreds of miles away, so it wouldn’t have been practical anyway.