Page 14 | To think this is closer to a normal childhood than to extreme abuse?

Greensl100 · 2025-08-07T12:52:37+00:00

I know you can’t and shouldn’t try to measure things like this but I am told that this sort of stuff constitutes extreme abuse and I just don’t think it does. I actually think it is within the realms of a normal childhood from the 90s. Examples… one occasion of parent trashing child’s bedroom leaving 15 year old in home for a week while parents went away (in same country) calling child self centred saying child needed to be more like child’s friend forcing child to spend time around a pet that caused child non life threatening allergic reaction pulling hair and smacking not allowing teen to use washing machine or cook for themselves in home When left home and relationship broke down in twenties, told that they were not welcome in the family home and that if they visited they were a guest these are some examples and of course I know none of them are brilliant parenting but I don’t think it equals extreme abuse?

Original poster

Greensl100 · 07/08/2025 19:31

@Iamnotalemming and @SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice thank you for your kind words. I probably had been pretty awful, I remember feeling quite angry and upset growing up and I don’t think I was an easy child. I was always anxious and stressed even when very young. It’s likely I was awful and ruined the break, I wish I could remember what had happened, I have a feeling it was related to arguing with my sister but I’m just not sure. I did often shout and swear and get very upset.

OP posts:

Original poster

Greensl100 · 07/08/2025 19:32

@youalright i am so sorry, it makes you feel horrendous doesn’t it. Your own little space and it’s like it’s evaporated when it’s trashed.

OP posts:

PinkBobby · 07/08/2025 19:34

Greensl100 · 07/08/2025 19:21

Those asking why they trashed my room… I remember we had been somewhere either thay day or for the weekend and they were angry with me, I think maybe for being moody and bratty or arguing with my sister. I don’t remember exactly why. As we were driving back (a two hour ish drive) my dad said something like he was going to batter me when we got back just wait etc. I was really scared, I don’t remember how old I was but think it was over the age of 13, maybe 14 or 15 I am not sure. Anyway when we got back I ran to my room and tried to barricade myself in by pulling my chest of drawers in front of the door. They both pushed the drawers away and then threw furniture around, broke drawers, threw clothes out of drawers, smashed my bedside light. The thing that sticks out mostly is I had a collection of cat ornaments as I really loved cats, a lot of them were ceramic or painted glass, some were plastic. I had them all on top of one of my drawers and they threw them all off so most of them smashed. I think I tried to put them back afterwards but noticed lots were broken, the paw or the ears etc so I just didn’t want them on display anymore. That was the worse bit really.

Then the next day my mum cleared it up and it was never mentioned again, even though so many of my things had been damaged. I guess I may have objectively deserved it, I don’t know as I genuinely can’t remember why they were so angry in the car on the way home

Edited

No child ‘objectively’ deserves that level of violence, even if it’s against their belongings rather than their body. Or to be threatened that they are going to be ‘battered’. That’s very aggressive language and if you were regularly smacked/had your hair pulled, you knew they could cause you real pain so the fear is understandable.

Both of those things are abusive and if that was the general tone when you were just being a child (because all kids are self centred, annoying at times, bratty, mean to their siblings etc.) then I can see why your therapist showed concern about your wellbeing.

EatingHealthy · 07/08/2025 19:36

That's awful.

There's NOTHING you could have done that would have meant you deserved that.

Ginnygi · 07/08/2025 19:38

Greensl100 · 07/08/2025 19:21

Those asking why they trashed my room… I remember we had been somewhere either thay day or for the weekend and they were angry with me, I think maybe for being moody and bratty or arguing with my sister. I don’t remember exactly why. As we were driving back (a two hour ish drive) my dad said something like he was going to batter me when we got back just wait etc. I was really scared, I don’t remember how old I was but think it was over the age of 13, maybe 14 or 15 I am not sure. Anyway when we got back I ran to my room and tried to barricade myself in by pulling my chest of drawers in front of the door. They both pushed the drawers away and then threw furniture around, broke drawers, threw clothes out of drawers, smashed my bedside light. The thing that sticks out mostly is I had a collection of cat ornaments as I really loved cats, a lot of them were ceramic or painted glass, some were plastic. I had them all on top of one of my drawers and they threw them all off so most of them smashed. I think I tried to put them back afterwards but noticed lots were broken, the paw or the ears etc so I just didn’t want them on display anymore. That was the worse bit really.

Then the next day my mum cleared it up and it was never mentioned again, even though so many of my things had been damaged. I guess I may have objectively deserved it, I don’t know as I genuinely can’t remember why they were so angry in the car on the way home

Edited

That is absolutely insane and you didn't deserve it.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 07/08/2025 19:39

youalright · 07/08/2025 19:26

Was it along the lines of your ungrateful we own everything in this house so we can do what we want with it thats how my stuff got smashed up

Show quote history

My stuff would get donated to charity while I was at school because I was spoiled and she blamed herself really for me being such a disappointment and how she never wanted me and only had me to save her marriage. It’s no wonder I was off in the woods hiding or visiting my most valuable (to me) things I stashed up trees inside biscuit tins or wrapped in bin bags.

Merryoldgoat · 07/08/2025 19:41

@Greensl100

I know it’s hard to accept but what you describe is wholly abusive and I feel awful for the child you were who experienced it.

Are you still in contact with your parents?

cannynotsay · 07/08/2025 19:45

it’s sometimes sad to accept that our parents have been extremely abusive. It’s taken me a long time to accept mine have been too. Take each day as it comes and understand this isn’t your fault, you were just a child and you didn’t do anything wrong. Your therapist is there for you to support you. Trust in them as you have so far. I know it’s such a bitter pill to swollen and it hurts and it makes you sad that this happens because you didn’t know it at the time and you realised no one noticed or helped. Xx

ItsameLuigi · 07/08/2025 19:46

Greensl100 · 07/08/2025 14:04

I thought everyone would have experienced at least one thing on this list

I have and my mum is a raging narcissist with schizophrenia who mentally abused me my entire life until I cut her off. Wouldn't let me cook, clean, always compared me to others by saying I wasn't good enough. Only saw me as bragging rights rather than my own person (didn't care for my interests only how she was able to be perceived by the positive things I did). The woman had mine and my siblings degree results on HER cv until she was told that's not her success. Sorry this is abusive.

jannier · 07/08/2025 19:47

Greensl100 · 07/08/2025 19:21

Those asking why they trashed my room… I remember we had been somewhere either thay day or for the weekend and they were angry with me, I think maybe for being moody and bratty or arguing with my sister. I don’t remember exactly why. As we were driving back (a two hour ish drive) my dad said something like he was going to batter me when we got back just wait etc. I was really scared, I don’t remember how old I was but think it was over the age of 13, maybe 14 or 15 I am not sure. Anyway when we got back I ran to my room and tried to barricade myself in by pulling my chest of drawers in front of the door. They both pushed the drawers away and then threw furniture around, broke drawers, threw clothes out of drawers, smashed my bedside light. The thing that sticks out mostly is I had a collection of cat ornaments as I really loved cats, a lot of them were ceramic or painted glass, some were plastic. I had them all on top of one of my drawers and they threw them all off so most of them smashed. I think I tried to put them back afterwards but noticed lots were broken, the paw or the ears etc so I just didn’t want them on display anymore. That was the worse bit really.

Then the next day my mum cleared it up and it was never mentioned again, even though so many of my things had been damaged. I guess I may have objectively deserved it, I don’t know as I genuinely can’t remember why they were so angry in the car on the way home

Edited

You didn't deserve it, no matter what you may have done.....or maybe nothing at all and you were the butt of a bad day, stubbed toe or feeling off ....abusers blame the victim as part of the abuse.

Mumoftwochildrenand6furkids · 07/08/2025 19:49

My life at 15 was diffrent so make what you want at 15 no more than an few hours left alone an week just babsitting my brothers i was paid, no hair pulling,, scratching, or beating what so ever. i loved my family dogs so no problem there, I was not put down or called names and never had my bedroom wrecked. I left home at 18 moved back at home 21 for 6 months due to problems family liked having me back so i do find that an bit abusive.

SpinnyDinos456 · 07/08/2025 19:49

Erm. That is very much abusiveby any standard, in any age and any country. I'm sorry you had to grow up that way.

Mewling · 07/08/2025 19:51

Mate, I grew up in the 80s and 90s and that is NOT normal. And I had a particularly slap-happy parent.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 07/08/2025 19:51

Greensl100 · 07/08/2025 19:31

@Iamnotalemming and @SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice thank you for your kind words. I probably had been pretty awful, I remember feeling quite angry and upset growing up and I don’t think I was an easy child. I was always anxious and stressed even when very young. It’s likely I was awful and ruined the break, I wish I could remember what had happened, I have a feeling it was related to arguing with my sister but I’m just not sure. I did often shout and swear and get very upset.

I was too but I realise now that I was anxious and stressed because I didn’t know when the next outburst of violence/or other abuse would happen and sometimes I would be purposely difficult (push a button) to bring on the next outburst (aka punishment) sooner because I could feel the tension building in my parents…like lightening flickering on the horizon or the smell of ozone tells you a thunderstorm is coming….i could sense I was going to be in for it later….and I couldn’t take pressure of waiting -it’s psychological torture to know you’re going to get it but it’s hanging over you…so got it over with by pushing a button iykwim because after they had a violent/abusive episode they’d go back to their drinking and ignoring me. Being ignored/neglected was the only space I could relax a bit.

I think you don’t remember why/what happened to trigger them because it was nothing you did or said. That’s the confusing part about abuse, there are no reasonable rules and therefore no way to avoid being hit or shouted at or whatever because it’s just whenever they feel like being cruel and hurtful that it happens. No matter how good you are, how hard you try, it’s never enough.

Serpentstooth · 07/08/2025 19:55

What you deserved, OP, was a pair of decent parents. How awful that they met each other. I hope you're free of them now although they're still very present to you. They are terrible people.

afromom · 07/08/2025 20:04

I've worked in a safeguarding role for years. What you describe is very abusive and describes a childhood of emotional abuse that has worn you down to the point that you now look back and assume that you deserved it, or did something wrong. Please know that no child (no matter how badly they have behaved) deserve the treatment that you describe. It’s also worth noting that you were likely angry and emotional as a child due to the abuse that your parents were dishing out to you.
Whilst each individual incident you describe could be seen as not extreme (although some are), it’s more the cumulative effects of living in that environment for your whole childhood that is very abusive and damaging.
I think it would be good to explore your reaction to your therapists comment further with them. It would be good to reframe it and concentrate less on the level of abuse and more around what impact those series of events have had on your confidence, self worth and how you frame things now looking back.
It’s great that you are working through all of this now, well done for putting yourself first x

Snailssitonwhales · 07/08/2025 20:10

Notmyreality · 07/08/2025 13:56

Agreed I wouldnt call it extreme abuse either. I would say the parents seem unpleasant,
unkind and at occasionally abusive.
Though there’s two sides to every story and I’d like to know how the child behaved throughout this time.

Edited

What a bizarre take. No child deserves any of those things doing to them regardless of how they behaved. They were a child.

Fragmentedbrain · 07/08/2025 20:20

Snailssitonwhales · 07/08/2025 20:10

What a bizarre take. No child deserves any of those things doing to them regardless of how they behaved. They were a child.

Show quote history

Some more children could stand to be told they're self centred to be honest.

Bluebigclouds · 07/08/2025 20:22

Greensl100 · 07/08/2025 19:21

Those asking why they trashed my room… I remember we had been somewhere either thay day or for the weekend and they were angry with me, I think maybe for being moody and bratty or arguing with my sister. I don’t remember exactly why. As we were driving back (a two hour ish drive) my dad said something like he was going to batter me when we got back just wait etc. I was really scared, I don’t remember how old I was but think it was over the age of 13, maybe 14 or 15 I am not sure. Anyway when we got back I ran to my room and tried to barricade myself in by pulling my chest of drawers in front of the door. They both pushed the drawers away and then threw furniture around, broke drawers, threw clothes out of drawers, smashed my bedside light. The thing that sticks out mostly is I had a collection of cat ornaments as I really loved cats, a lot of them were ceramic or painted glass, some were plastic. I had them all on top of one of my drawers and they threw them all off so most of them smashed. I think I tried to put them back afterwards but noticed lots were broken, the paw or the ears etc so I just didn’t want them on display anymore. That was the worse bit really.

Then the next day my mum cleared it up and it was never mentioned again, even though so many of my things had been damaged. I guess I may have objectively deserved it, I don’t know as I genuinely can’t remember why they were so angry in the car on the way home

Edited

No one objectively deserves that. You didn't. It doesn't matter what you did it's a completely inappropriate violent reaction. Not a logical punishment or anything.

MJ1980 · 07/08/2025 20:25

Yes it would be called abusive in todays world but back in 80s/90s it was normal. I had a similar upbringing

Silverbirchleaf · 07/08/2025 20:29

MJ1980 · 07/08/2025 20:25

Yes it would be called abusive in todays world but back in 80s/90s it was normal. I had a similar upbringing

Sorry, it was not normal. I don’t know anyone who was treated like this. I’m sorry you were abused as well.(80s kid)

Tedsnan1 · 07/08/2025 20:30

I experienced many of these and others. I also minimised the abuse.
I wasn't beaten or starved but it was still extreme.
At the age of 61 I have been diagnosed with CPTSD and have chronic health conditions that seem to stem from my childhood.
Of course you feel sad, no one wants to believe their upbringing was so damaging and awful.
This realisation is part of your therapy journey towards healing.
Sending you a big hug. It gets better.

Jan168 · 07/08/2025 20:34

I don't think this is closer to a normal childhood than to extreme abuse, no. Smashing up your room, having your hair pulled etc are terrible things.

You have to remember though there will be reasons why your parents behaved like this, they may have been abused themselves or have mental health issues that you're not aware of. I'm not saying this makes any of it in any way ok, but it might help you in coming to terms with what happened.

tommyhoundmum · 07/08/2025 20:40

Greensl100 · 07/08/2025 19:21

Those asking why they trashed my room… I remember we had been somewhere either thay day or for the weekend and they were angry with me, I think maybe for being moody and bratty or arguing with my sister. I don’t remember exactly why. As we were driving back (a two hour ish drive) my dad said something like he was going to batter me when we got back just wait etc. I was really scared, I don’t remember how old I was but think it was over the age of 13, maybe 14 or 15 I am not sure. Anyway when we got back I ran to my room and tried to barricade myself in by pulling my chest of drawers in front of the door. They both pushed the drawers away and then threw furniture around, broke drawers, threw clothes out of drawers, smashed my bedside light. The thing that sticks out mostly is I had a collection of cat ornaments as I really loved cats, a lot of them were ceramic or painted glass, some were plastic. I had them all on top of one of my drawers and they threw them all off so most of them smashed. I think I tried to put them back afterwards but noticed lots were broken, the paw or the ears etc so I just didn’t want them on display anymore. That was the worse bit really.

Then the next day my mum cleared it up and it was never mentioned again, even though so many of my things had been damaged. I guess I may have objectively deserved it, I don’t know as I genuinely can’t remember why they were so angry in the car on the way home

Edited

It sounds like they completely lost control. Never justified.

Mewling · 07/08/2025 20:47

MJ1980 · 07/08/2025 20:25

Yes it would be called abusive in todays world but back in 80s/90s it was normal. I had a similar upbringing

I was born in the early 80s in a very working class area to young parents. What the OP is describing is not normal. I’m sorry you experienced similar abuse.