To think this is closer to a normal childhood than to extreme abuse?

[Greensl100]

I know you can’t and shouldn’t try to measure things like this but I am told that this sort of stuff constitutes extreme abuse and I just don’t think it does. I actually think it is within the realms of a normal childhood from the 90s.

Examples…

one occasion of parent trashing child’s bedroom

leaving 15 year old in home for a week while parents went away (in same country)

calling child self centred

saying child needed to be more like child’s friend

forcing child to spend time around a pet that caused child non life threatening allergic reaction

pulling hair and smacking

not allowing teen to use washing machine or cook for themselves in home

When left home and relationship broke down in twenties, told that they were not welcome in the family home and that if they visited they were a guest

these are some examples and of course I know none of them are brilliant parenting but I don’t think it equals extreme abuse?

OP, I’m a psychologist. I experienced nothing on that list and was a child of the 80s.
Because of the collection of physical, emotional, psychological abuse and the neglect, yes I think it is extreme.

I think you should talk to your therapist about how her label made you feel. It makes sense it’s hurt you, and you do not like it. And you can ask her to talk you through why she used that label. Have a look at the ACEs checklist too which might give you insight into how many is “extreme”. I think this word has been used because of the number of situations rather than any one individual situation, but I also do think a couple of them are extreme.

Just because you weren’t sexually abused doesn’t mean you haven’t experienced serious, or extreme abuse.

Long term emotional abuse and neglect is abuse just because it's not a physical thing doesn't lessen the effect to that child who will be negatively impacted for the rest of their life. It could well mean they are incapable of functioning in a relationship as an adult or they in turn are abusive.... historically there was an attitude of only physical events were abuse and even then a certain level was acceptable life has moved on

I wonder whether the difference in experience is class based?

I suspect my parents would have called me self centred on occasion as a teenager, because I was! The rest is fucking awful @Greensl100 & I’m sorry you grew up in a situation thinking that was normal, and that your parents were so shit.

I grew up,up north and poor if that helps

I am sorry to hear that but my point is that for something to be considered "normal" in the way that I think the OP means, would be that that most children at that time would have experienced something similar.

South and poor and my Dad was an orphan from the north, brought up in a hard environment.

I remember stuff like that and way worse in the 80s also!

my mum Deny’s all of it. She will then tell me all the things that I should do or not do with my children. She says it as if that’s how she was with us as kids!😂 So a example is telling me to do baking with them but she never once baked with us. She also thinks I don’t take them out enough. They go out everyday on a range of outings! whilst as a kid I was taken out twice - dragged around the shops (nothing for me and no meal out) and 30 mins at local park. No snacks or packed water back then either!rest of time I was expected to entertain myself in my bedroom or “call for” other kids !

I mean I were taken out twice a week.

so did she trash your room and pull your hair?

Omg, is this one of those joke posts, if so it's in poor taste 😮
In the 90s, I was 16-26 and your childhood was abuse.
My dps never committed any of these crimes that you write of nor did any of my friends.
Horrified 😱

I have and unfortunately also in therapy because of being abused.

Sorry OP. It is really sad and it can be hard to hear from others.

NW working class. Both parents from working class backgrounds. Grandparents lost parents in the war all working class.
my punishments weren't as harsh as my parents, its like the abuse diluted as the generations have gone on, I've never subjected my children to some of the weird twisted punishments I received

From reading the list I wouldn't say it's extreme abuse but it is dependent on context and I think the impact it had on you is also very relevant, you are best placed to decide if it was extreme.

Slapped and hair pulled once or twice in 18 years is different to daily physical abuse that leaves you living in fear and at risk of serious harm or actually being seriously harmed.
Not allowed to use the cooker and washing machine but having your parents ensure you have clean clothes and are fed is different to not having adequate food and clothing. Being compared to another child once when you did something you shouldn't have done is different to constant put downs and damage to your self-esteem.
Having to visit a family for a couple of hours who have a cat that makes you sneeze if different to being locked in a room with a pet you're allergic too just to torment you.

if you read my post properly you would no the answers. But for the record yes to both. And now she preaches to me how to raise my kids …🙄🙄🙄

I completely agree and think this is an intelligent and nuanced approach.

I am quite shocked actually that so many people are quick to call that extreme abuse without any context. But I couldn’t be bothered to write a long thoughtful response like this so Im glad @JLou08has.

Being told you are self centered is not abuse. With most teens, at some point it's true.

Everything else on that list was abusive.

Trashing your room, abandoning you for a week at 15, smacking you and pulling your hair, telling you you weren't welcome in your family home once you moved out - these are not normal, they are horrible.

Oh sweetheart, no.

Im a child of the 70s/teen of the 80s when some parenting was rather … relaxed … but absolutely no, never experienced anything like what’s on your list. And nor did any of my close friends that I’m aware of.

OK maybe it’s not the end extreme of being SA’d, starved or beaten daily, but it’s certainly all abusive examples you’ve given.

Im sorry that happened to you. No child deserves anything like that.

They weren't good parents. They undermined and denigrated a child leading to insecurities and an inability to recognise/form positive nurturing relationships.

Not something you would do to a child whilst hoping to build self worth and resilience. So yes they were abusive.

Often such treatment perpetuates within families unless there is active intervention to break the cycle.
It is a parents job to help a child "fly". To give them the life tools with which to positively go out into the world.

Some of those things - a parent trashing a child's room, a 15-year-old left alone for a week, smacking and pulling hair - are abusive. I turned 14 in 1990 and those things were not normal in the slightest for a 90s childhood. At all. I wouldn't say they were 'extreme abuse', but they're outside the realms of ordinary discipline.

Calling a child selfish and saying 'I wish you were more like your friend' isn't necessarily abusive and neither is having a pet that makes your kid sneeze or whatever. Sometimes children are self-centred and sometimes they could absolutely follow the example of a friend. And all parents occasionally say something hurtful in anger. But obviously, context matters. If those things were part of a pattern of constantly being shitty to the child and breaking down their self-esteem and criticising them for perfectly normal things, then they could certainly be abusive.

I wouldn't say it was generally abusive to say an adult in their 20s can't come back to live in the family home when their relationship breaks down. I'd say that it's pretty normal for adults to sort their own living arrangements if they split up with their partner or get divorced. To actually say 'You're not welcome in this house' is awful but to say 'You're an adult with a job, you've left home and you just can't come and go and move back in and out as you please' could be perfectly reasonable.

The cooking/washing machine one really depends on context. I can certainly see situations where someone might reasonably tell a teenager that they need to eat with the rest of the family and can't have their own laundry schedule because it's a pain when it interferes with the family meals/washing.

But really don't understand how it's possible to leave a teenager alone for a week if they're not allowed EVER to cook or use the washing machine?

So yeah, a couple of those things are outright abusive (possibly not 'extreme' though) while others could be abusive in some situations or if they were part of a wider pattern - nobody can really say without full context.

Those asking why they trashed my room… I remember we had been somewhere either thay day or for the weekend and they were angry with me, I think maybe for being moody and bratty or arguing with my sister. I don’t remember exactly why. As we were driving back (a two hour ish drive) my dad said something like he was going to batter me when we got back just wait etc. I was really scared, I don’t remember how old I was but think it was over the age of 13, maybe 14 or 15 I am not sure. Anyway when we got back I ran to my room and tried to barricade myself in by pulling my chest of drawers in front of the door. They both pushed the drawers away and then threw furniture around, broke drawers, threw clothes out of drawers, smashed my bedside light. The thing that sticks out mostly is I had a collection of cat ornaments as I really loved cats, a lot of them were ceramic or painted glass, some were plastic. I had them all on top of one of my drawers and they threw them all off so most of them smashed. I think I tried to put them back afterwards but noticed lots were broken, the paw or the ears etc so I just didn’t want them on display anymore. That was the worse bit really.

Then the next day my mum cleared it up and it was never mentioned again, even though so many of my things had been damaged. I guess I may have objectively deserved it, I don’t know as I genuinely can’t remember why they were so angry in the car on the way home

I feel quite moved reading that post @Greensl100 . I cannot in a million years imagine doing that to DC no matter what they'd done. You did not deserve that.
Please look after yourself.

Was it along the lines of your ungrateful we own everything in this house so we can do what we want with it thats how my stuff got smashed up

no. No child deserves that.

Greens you never in a million years deserved to have your room trashed and most precious things destroyed no matter how bratty a teenager you think you might have been.