To think this is closer to a normal childhood than to extreme abuse?

[Greensl100]

I know you can’t and shouldn’t try to measure things like this but I am told that this sort of stuff constitutes extreme abuse and I just don’t think it does. I actually think it is within the realms of a normal childhood from the 90s.

Examples…

one occasion of parent trashing child’s bedroom

leaving 15 year old in home for a week while parents went away (in same country)

calling child self centred

saying child needed to be more like child’s friend

forcing child to spend time around a pet that caused child non life threatening allergic reaction

pulling hair and smacking

not allowing teen to use washing machine or cook for themselves in home

When left home and relationship broke down in twenties, told that they were not welcome in the family home and that if they visited they were a guest

these are some examples and of course I know none of them are brilliant parenting but I don’t think it equals extreme abuse?

Nope, not experienced anything on that list. It’s abusive but extreme, no.

The only one of those things that is ‘normal’ is calling someone self centred- lots of parents would call (especially a teenager) self centred in the heat of the moment. The rest is awful. Trashing a room? Hair pulling? Honestly I have never heard of a parent that I know doing this. These things are extreme and a sign of a person totally out of control. I am really sorry that you went through this and that you are having to come to terms with it.

“Leaving you home along for a week at 15 was serious neglect, which is abusive.”

Seriously!? I think you’re being ridiculous! I don’t think it is anywhere close to being abusive unless it was done as a punishment, or the OP really wasn’t happy staying home alone but was forced to anyway.

I guess context is everything in these scenarios and the OP doesn’t give much of that. I was left home alone for a week at that age, I really didn’t want to go on holiday with my Mum and her bf at the time, I also begged not to have my dad come and stay to watch me, as he was really strict compared to my Mum. She conceded and let me stay home. I had always been pretty independent. I knew what to do in an emergency, had people (dad / much older sisters) I could call if I needed anything. I was left with a house full of food and money for anything I might need / emergencies. I do not consider this neglect or abuse in any respect. Equally I was going to parties at friend’s houses whilst their parents were away at this age.

I’d also willingly leave my own 15year old if he didn’t want to go somewhere (and have for a weekend) because he’s very independent and sensible and would revel in me not being here to nag him, and with mobile phones these days I’m only ever a phonecall away if theres a problem.

one occasion of parent trashing child’s bedroom
Yes, that’s abusive. I can’t think of any situation where that would be acceptable.

leaving 15 year old in home for a week while parents went away (in same country)
That was completely normal when I was growing up and I had one friend whose parents regularly went away overseas - the dad on business and the mum would tag along. It’s great as we would all stay at their house for that time and our parents had no issue with that whatsoever. It was a different time.

calling child self centred
No harm calling this out IF it’s the case.

saying child needed to be more like child’s friend
Depends on context. As in ‘your friend is so polite/takes studies seriously and knuckles down and studies hard/does necessary tasks without being asked or harped to, you should take a leaf out of their book and be more like them’ would be acceptable; whereas, ‘your friend is very pretty/is so much better at x sport/is so much smarter than you, you should be more like them’ is abusive.

forcing child to spend time around a pet that caused child non life threatening allergic reaction
I couldn’t get worked up about this if it wasn’t life threatening. My sibling was allergic to the cat. No way mum was getting rid of her cat. Sibling wasn’t anaphylactic and mum just tried to encourage sibling to keep their bedroom door shut so their room would at least be cat free. When that cat passed in, mum got another one😀. Everyone lived.

pulling hair and smacking
I can’t imagine any reason for hair pulling, that sounds weird so I’d toss that into the abuse bucket. Smacking depends on the time. Was completely acceptable when I was a child (it was the era where canes were the accepted method of punishment in schools as well), but there was a huge difference between a smack when you did something naughty versus smacking for no reason or going beyond a smack into abuse.

not allowing teen to use washing machine or cook for themselves in home
I wouldn’t class it as abuse, but it’s odd. We were made to do these things simply to help out in the household.

When left home and relationship broke down in twenties, told that they were not welcome in the family home and that if they visited they were a guest
Depends what led to the relationship breakdown and how the adult child was acting. Parents of adult children are allowed boundaries, just depends on the situation as to whether they are reasonable or not.

I’ve not experienced close to anything on this list, and I didn’t have perfect parents. My sister had therapy for parental issues and she didn’t have anything close to that list happen to her.

It’s abusive, and closer to extreme abuse than a normal childhood. I’d say benign negligence is potentially abusive but close to a normal childhood. What you’ve outlined is firmly abuse and definitely past the (subjective) midpoint between healthy childhood and extreme abuse.

I’ve experienced some of these OP. I’ve filed them under ‘crap parenting’ rather than extreme abuse. A lot of the parents I knew in the 80s and 90s seemed to be winging it from day to day without any thought of how it’d affect the child. Do you think your therapist was pointing out that you dealt with a lot of things that a child really shouldn’t have to?

I'd say the room trashing is very bad, but the other things wouldn't scream extreme abuse to me

It feels to me like you're trying to draw a distinction between "abuse" and "abuse abuse", to paraphrase Whoopi Goldbery in one of her less inspiring moments. It all looks like abusive behaviour to me. There will always be people you can point to and say they had it worse, maybe much worse, but all of what you describe adds up to behaviour that makes a child or teen feel very unsafe in the place and with the people where they should feel most secure.

I think these are extreme examples of horrendous parenting!!!!! I’d say some of them / most of them are abusive

It definitely was normal in my house in 60’s and early 70’s ☹️

I didn't experience any of the things on your list as a child.

I think some of them it depends on context, frequency and the way in which they were done if they were, in isolation, abusive.

For example if you had done something particularly self centered, you parent was struggling at the end of their tether and they called you self-centred in a non- aggressive way as a one off - I wouldn't consider it abusive. Whereas if it was regularly used to deny your basic needs being met - that's clearly abusive.

Pulling hair and trashing bedroom definitely abusive.

Smacking - when was this? Whilst I can't imagine being smacked by my parents, there was a time when this was considered good parenting - and again there's a big difference between a one-off single smack on the hand to stop you touching something dangerous and being beaten or regularly smacked for minor or imagined infractions.

I suspect, as others have said that the fact all of the things are on your list, and that it includes some definitely abusive behaviour even those which potentially could be fairly common, if committed in particular ways, were in fact committed in a more extreme fashion and would also be considered abusive.

I have experienced absolutely none of them, or anywhere near. Nor my siblings.

Go back to your therapist and work through it; you did have abusive parents.

No I didn’t, it is pretty bad just from the examples you have. Sorry to hear about it, hope the therapy helps.

Not extreme abuse, but still abuse. Does it matter where on the scale it was, it was definitely wrong and not normal, in particular the physical stuff.

Youve been trained yo accept the behaviour as normal or not extreme so youre finding it hard to accept that it is extreme [it is] your therapist will help you process it

I think it can be eye opening when you talk to people about your childhood experiences. I thought I had a fairly standard childhood also but after speaking with friends and in therapy I realised it was very different. Therapy can be difficult and it's very hard to see your experiences through someone elses eyes.

I would not class what you have described as extreme emotional abuse but I am judging by the standards of my childhood so it is all relative.

What I think you need to focus on is why the therapist's description of it as extreme abuse upsets you as it is your reaction to the therapist's comments that are important.

I totally get why you don't want to think what happened was that bad. Thinking as you do about the topic can be a great coping mechanism. Maybe it is worth exploring with the therapist why you want to box it with your label rather than with hers and the therapeutic implications for you.

Main thing is don't let the comments derail any progress you have made.

Poor you OP. Just dont carry on this cycle of abuse to your children (if you have children) turn it around, don't copy them, learn from their mistakes. ❤

No absolutely not, I think you are minimising your abuse to help shield yourself. But you've mentioned physical and psychological abuse, none of the things you mentioned are in anyway normal and it's most definitely extremely abusive.

Are you thinking extreme abuse is only when someone is hospitalised or similar?

Also does it really matter how abusive, either way you were repeatedly abused as a child?
I think your therapist is possibly thinking you are accepting it and they're maybe trying to get you to face reality

Yes it’s abuse, pulling hair and trashing a room is awful behaviour of any parent. leaving a 15 year old on their own for a week is actually pretty sad also.

calling a child self centred will be really upsetting mentally.

Using your examples, my thoughts:

Abuse:
saying child needed to be more like child’s friend
not allowing teen to use washing machine or cook for themselves in home

Extreme Abuse:
one occasion of parent trashing child’s bedroom
leaving 15 year old in home for a week while parents went away (in same country)
forcing child to spend time around a pet that caused child non life threatening allergic reaction
pulling hair and smacking
When left home and relationship broke down in twenties, told that they were not welcome in the family home and that if they visited they were a guest

"Normal" but only in moderation and depends on the age of the child and the situation:
calling child self centred

It's all abusive but to different degrees.
If my child did something selfish, then saying they were being self centred in doing that seems reasonable, especially if older. Some of the others are more "of the time" e.g. leaving alone for a week would have been seen as less neglectful, as would making the child live with a pet. Parents were encouraged more to follow their wishes than that of the child, child is just making a fuss etc.

I went to a therapist in my twenties as I was feeling low and lonely and wanted to talk my feelings through.

As the sessions went on with the therapist, he asked me about my childhood and I told him what had happened. Narcissistic mother, waking up afraid of her, never knowing what mood she would be in and the relief when she was in a good mood (which wasn't often!) Physical violence to the kids and my father. Being controlling with food. Absolutely tonnes of other stuff which would make your hair curl!

To me, it was normal. I'd have described my Mum as being a bit batty. It really shocked me when the therapist described it as abuse as I didn't recognise it as such. I could see the look of horror and anger on the therapists face, the more I told him what my Mum had said and done to us all.

It took me a while to come to terms with the revelation that I'd been the victim of abuse as I just thought it was normal. I suspect that's what you're feeling right now. The realisation about how what was your normal is so abnormal to the majority of the population.

I can tick all off most of the list except, I was aloud to do the washing, cooking and have been back when a relationship broke down.

I dont feel like I grew up in an abusive family either. 💐