Family wedding with obligatory religion. What's an atheist to do?

[Tootoomooch]

A close family member is getting married this year. He is a devout christian. Both I and my partner are atheists (me, stridently; him, more quietly. Both committedly).

The family member has made a point of asking everyone to participate in various religious aspects of the wedding. It appears to be a more involved affair than the standard C of E wedding service. We've been asked - but it feels more like an instruction - to join the singing and to offer individual prayers for the couple (out loud, in front of the assembled masses).

I feel very uncomfortable about this but can't put my finger on exactly why. Logically, given that I don't believe, what is the harm in just playing along? But, conversely, if he knows we don't believe and are doing it to keep the peace, what value can he possibly place on our "prayers"? Also - and maybe this is flouncy - but why is my atheism any less valid than his theism? I wouldn't dream of asking him to not pray, or otherwise minimising his beliefs (at least out loud).

There is no way I will allow the children to participate, and I also feel uncomfortable with them watching us participate in a religious ceremony that they know we don't believe in.

My natural tendency is to both obduracy and confrontation (🤣) so my first instinct is to ignore the request and, if pushed, to say that I don't feel comfortable. This is me moderating my first, instinctive response to tell him to f-off.

However, I wonder if IABU. It's a wedding, his special day etc etc (blah) and I should just suck it up?

So -

AIBU - being a militant atheist can wait for a day. Keep the peace and make up a prayer.

or

AINBU - obliging disbelievers to participate is unreasonable and I can just keep quiet (to the fullest extent possible)

Who is going to be policing the praying/singing? Just don't participate .

I'm a non believer but do like a good hymn to participate in.

I attend church and pray silently and in communal prayer with words written down. It's not in my tradition to pray extemporaneously out loud. I'd go to the service but decline to make up prayers, or share one I'd found in a book.
I do sing words that I don't 100% agree with on occasion - for some reason I find this less difficult than joining in speaking I don't agree with.
But you are not alone in finding this odd and hard, even if you only count Christians!

A prayer is a religious script.
The OP says she will be given one to read. She wasn’t asked to make one up.

I think I would feel similarly to you here. Is there a happy medium? Could you go along with most of it but draw the line at being asked to offer prayers?

Not quite the same thing obviously, but we had a humanist naming ceremony for DS instead of a baptism - obviously there were no prayers so we set up a wish jar, and everybody wrote down a wish for DS that he can read when he grows up. Could you perhaps do something similar as a wedding gift with your partner and DC? It would be a such a thoughtful present and a bit of a peace offering in lieu of joining in the prayers!

This is very sensible.
I'm agnostic and I always sit politely quiet through hymns and prayers. Bow my head when everyone else does, but I don't pray or say, 'Amen'.
I'd do what the OP has done and offer a secular reading instead.

The difference between this and, say, a Winnie the Pooh reading is that for WtP you don't have to believe in anything.

It's different in Hinduism as it isn't dogmatic and you don't worship/obey the gods as you do in Christianity.

Go and do what’s being asked, or don’t go. I’d just go to the evening event, I tend to do that anyway.

Either decline the invite or bite your tongue and attend. Don't make it about you

I am not a Christian but know a lot of hymns from school and don’t mind joining in with the singing. However my DC (grown ups) wouldn’t ever sing a hymn and none of us would join in prayers. We would however stand and behave respectively. Instead of a prayer for them I would say something like ‘I hope you have a long, healthy and happy marriage’.

Don't go to the church ceremony will be the choice for a atheist. Going to the ceremony will be the choice for an atheist that was brought in that particular religion until they stop believing and although they don't believe they understand it is important in their family etc, etc. Praying specifics out loud for a non believer is not a choice in my opinion because is pure fake. No need for them to ask, no need for you to do it.

Personally, if I was being pressured to that extent I wouldn’t be going to the wedding. I’d feel like a hypocrite and in contradiction to my own beliefs.

@Tootoomooch I work in a part of the UK where humanist (and other) marriages are legal. I have a list of non-religious 'blessings' (and I appreciate that for some, even the word blessing is a step too far). I sometimes use the phrase "I invite you to silently offer your thoughts of love, your good wishes, your blessings or your prayers [to the happy couple as they make their vows] . I never instruct people to pray, but if they have a faith, they might do so without instruction or permission. If you're happy for me to PM you I can send you some examples.

If you're writing your own piece, using the word 'may' can be helpful (often found in buddhist prayers) e.g. "May your marriage be long and happy, may it be blessed by those you love. May your hands be always clasped in friendship and your hearts be always joined in love." You could add it something relevant to their faith and beliefs e.g. "May your faith in God be a strong foundation for your life together."

Do you already know what you might be asked to read? Are there apsects of it that you could re-work? e.g. if you've been asked to lead a prayer for 'family' or 'peace' can you offer something to the couple that covers similar ground but in words that you would be comfortable reading?

Having participated in integrated and inclusive religious/non-religious ceremonies, I 100% agree that you should not be asked to (nor should you agree to) read words which do not feel true and authentic to you, such as "I ask this in the name of... who gave his life..." I am sure that the couple hold truth, honesty and authenticity as part of their beliefs. Perhpas is you are pushed you could explain it in those terms?

Personally, I have no problem with 'amen' at the end of generalised non-theistic blessings. It origintes from 'truth' or 'certainty' and is often literally translated as 'so be it'. So if you can find authentic words, adding amen at the end endorses your genuine and heartfelt wishes, and may also help those with a faith to feel it like a religious prayer.

And as a final non-sequitur from all of the above. I was at a rock concert recently and along with the rest of the audience I was belting out the lyrics which were swery and anarchist. I was just in the moment!

How awful!

Singing - fine
Individual prayers - hell no

As it's close family, I would plan to go.
Presumably he would understand if you say you're not a Christian so not available to offer a prayer.
You could stand up and say you are sending love and affection to the happy couple or something....
Could it be that there's a bit of a misunderstanding going on? Possibly they have invited people to come out and offer a prayer, but understand not everyone will actually do so.
I've never heard of compulsory individual public prayers.
It's likely there is a compromise out there somewhere; perhaps the intention has been relayed wrongly to you or , as an atheist, you have misunderstood something that's been said.

If you don't want to read a prayer out loud, just decline, I don't think you can substitute one of your own beliefs without running it past them. However reading something doesn't negate your own beliefs, Rishi Sunak read From New Testament at the Kings Coronation it is not his sacred scriptures. reading it didn't make him a Chrisitan nor did it stop him being a Hindu

Why can’t you just offer hopes and well wishes for the couple’s marriage without referencing god?

Its surely good to model to your children that you can respectfully participate in other people’s traditions without compromising your values?

You sound like me OP!😂
couldn’t bring myself to play along with this charade.

The OP says 'I have been asked to read a specific prayer during the service.'
I don't think she's said, but I assume this is a God-referencing prayer, hence the dilemma.

You'll just like her in the sense that you d happily spoil a very close family members special day?

You think their wedding is a charade?

Can't we call it a white lie ?

But you get no attention by just mumbling discretely through it like the rest of us

Why would it spoil their day? Especially knowing full well OP is atheist.

If someone politely declining to read something will spoil their day then something has gone very wrong on their wedding day.

People are allowed to say no thank you and they should accept that.

I can't see that the OP would object to a non-religious expression of hope that the couple will live a happy and healthy life together. We don't actually know what the content is.

I personally wouldn't be happy to think of it as a white lie and read out loud something that referenced a Christian God, and I'm not an atheist; I imagine the OP's feelings are stronger than mine.

How can you just mumble through discretely when you've been asked to do an individual reading?