Family wedding with obligatory religion. What's an atheist to do?

[Tootoomooch]

A close family member is getting married this year. He is a devout christian. Both I and my partner are atheists (me, stridently; him, more quietly. Both committedly).

The family member has made a point of asking everyone to participate in various religious aspects of the wedding. It appears to be a more involved affair than the standard C of E wedding service. We've been asked - but it feels more like an instruction - to join the singing and to offer individual prayers for the couple (out loud, in front of the assembled masses).

I feel very uncomfortable about this but can't put my finger on exactly why. Logically, given that I don't believe, what is the harm in just playing along? But, conversely, if he knows we don't believe and are doing it to keep the peace, what value can he possibly place on our "prayers"? Also - and maybe this is flouncy - but why is my atheism any less valid than his theism? I wouldn't dream of asking him to not pray, or otherwise minimising his beliefs (at least out loud).

There is no way I will allow the children to participate, and I also feel uncomfortable with them watching us participate in a religious ceremony that they know we don't believe in.

My natural tendency is to both obduracy and confrontation (🤣) so my first instinct is to ignore the request and, if pushed, to say that I don't feel comfortable. This is me moderating my first, instinctive response to tell him to f-off.

However, I wonder if IABU. It's a wedding, his special day etc etc (blah) and I should just suck it up?

So -

AIBU - being a militant atheist can wait for a day. Keep the peace and make up a prayer.

or

AINBU - obliging disbelievers to participate is unreasonable and I can just keep quiet (to the fullest extent possible)

Normally, I think you should just be quiet and respectful of others' religious beliefs at a wedding, but practically demanding that guests sing and offer prayers in public is a lot to ask! I'm a Christian, but I wouldn't be comfortable being asked to pray aloud in front of a group as part of someone's wedding. I've never heard of such a thing! This isn't about them being Christian. It's just very odd behaviour.

Singing a celebratory song and saying a well wish isn't religious, it's universal surely?

Very unreasonable of the couple to insist on this. Joining in hymns is one thing, nobody will notice if you're miming or just humming, but expecting you to pray out loud is crazy. I'm a Christian but the idea of that service makes me cringe.
I'd go and politely decline to perform.

Just voice your good wishes for the couple in their life together, literally the only thing you need to do. No need to mention God

As someone who never sings (I have a bit of a phobia about it), just mouth the words of the hymns.
When it comes to the words, just wish them a long and happy marriage, and if you’re feeling brave add, in the words of Dave Allen (if you’re old enough to know who he was), “and may your God go with you”.

Why do you have to take part in something you do not believe in? That doesn't sound right at all.

I am Muslim, when I got married I had a huge wedding and ceremony and invited lots of people as I know and have family and friends from other religions and my partner has family relations with atheists as well.

People did whatever they wanted to do and during the religious part at the beginning, no one was instructed to do anything at all...

My partner and I were the only ones who had to do a short prayer as a marriage blessing.

If you do not believe in something, then you shouldn't have to 'play along' - your close family member who is getting married should understand and not put you in that position x

And that’ll teach me not to RTFT before commenting, @SerendipityJane😊

Are people serious or just being obnoxious?

Everyone "prays"
Unless you've never told anyone you've got your fingers and toes crossed for their interview, or sent well wishes to the ill, or hoped that someone had a happy birthday!

That's all it is

The OP could absolutely offer a "prayer" to the couple regardless of religious beliefs

I would just sit/stand silently during those times. Maybe mumble along to a few hymns if I knew them but I would absolutely not pray, that is out of line to expect people who don't believe to do that.

Then act. Treat it as a script. Presumably you’re not such a devout atheist that you would refuse to play a character of faith?

Otherwise come up with a different reading that would suit you both.

Does this relative know you as well as you think they do? It seems an odd thing to do if you know someone is a strident atheist.

(I didn’t get that situation from your OP at all, btw.)

I don't think there is any harm in praying per se. Even if you don't believe in it.

But personally, I would feel uncomfortable about performative praying in front of people who knew that I thought it was meaningless. Not because I secretly think God might be real (surely that would be a reason to pray, rather than a reason to avoid it?) but because I would feel that it was very disrespectful for me to put up a pretence of sharing their cherished beliefs when I clearly didn't. It would feel like I was taking the piss out of them, which I wouldn't want to do. I'm not religious myself but I have no desire to mock the faiths of other people.

I'm agnostic and really bristle at performative and earnest religious expression.

However, I don't see that reading a prayer for a wedding couple is the same as espousing it. You're reading a prayer on their behalf for them, not for you. You're not endorsing it as your belief system. You're saying, "My family members have a faith and I'm respecting they want it incorporated into their ceremony."

I've also learned that my strident agnosticism has had strains of selfish arrogance running through it. The older I get, the less strident I become in showing off my heresy. It's not capitulation, rather self-confidence in my own opinions.

But now we are straying into "that's just you" 😀

And just as some people use their "religion" as a reason to do/not-do something they personally want/dont-want to, it's entirely possible some atheists may be using their "atheism" in the same vein. After all it's not like they will be smitten.

Not all prayers are declarations of belief. And the ones that are are usually reserved for the fully baptised/converted, not the type of prayers wedding guests would be saying to/at the couple

Of course atheists go to religious weddings, christenings, funerals etc. You sit and stand as instructed, are quiet when the religious leader is talking, mumble along to the singing bit, clap when appropriate etc. This is just basic politeness.

Being asked to read a pre-scripted prayer is clearly several steps beyond the above though. I would refuse because I consider it disrespectful to the religion and quite dishones. I am not a good liar.

A good friend had a civil wedding in a fancy venue, and then a religious blessing straight after. Neither bride nor groom were religious or attended church, they just thought it was weddingy and would make for nice photos. I quietly ducked out for that bit, as I just thought it was wrong. No drama, nobody noticed.

Maybe it's just me, or maybe others feel the same as I do.

Others may have different reasons for opting out. And yes, some may be using the atheism as an excuse when their actual reason might be fear of public speaking or not being arsed or whatever. We are all different.

But you seemed to be implying that the reason atheists might object to reading a prayer is because they may secretly believe, or perhaps fear, that God is real. That seems quite a stretch to me. But perhaps I've misunderstood what you were trying to say?

The OP hasn't been asked to recite the Nicene Creed

It'll be something like:
We pray that the couples love grow with the support of their community, the community of their church, their joined families, and the wider community

There is nothing disingenuous about a non believer saying or meaning that sort of thing

just find a song and quote it! I’m thinking of Pete from Gavin & Stacey “lights will guiiiiiide you home, and igniiiite yor bones” etc!

I think your last post puts a very different light on it.

Prior to that, I'd assumed that he was just letting people know that is the practice in his Church and people are very welcome to offer a prayer or blessing out loud at some point during the service.

It seems particularly strange for a Christian to ask someone they know is an atheist to read a prayer.
I would really say to him "I can't read the prayer mate as it goes against my beliefs. Why don't you get someone who is a Christian to read it, so that you know it is being said sincerely ? I am happy to come to your Church and be respectful, understanding your faith is important to you, but I would be a bizarre choice as a non-believer to be asked to read a prayer".

I'm speaking as a Christian who would want any prayers said during my wedding to be sincere. It's just such an odd thing he has asked of you, and needs someone to point out that which is pretty obvious to everyone else.

They are being incredibly rude asking you to read a religious script knowing you are atheist. They are not respecting your views.
I would decline reading a prayer and remind them you are atheist. I wouldn’t offer an alternative. Just say no.

I think you’re over thinking this.
If you’re a true atheist then presumably a prayer is just a series of words which have no meaning to you. Not too dissimilar to when you’re asked to do a reading at a non-religious wedding.

I was asked to step in and do a reading recently. The theme was not my thing, but the bride was delighted. It doesn’t mean anything to me, and I didn’t particularly like the reading - but it’s not my wedding. It was important to the bride & groom so I happily obliged. Attending someone’s wedding is about being a part of the celebration in the way they chose.
I’ve also attended Christian & Muslim weddings. I myself am of no faith. I still participated in the religious and cultural practices.

I think it’s perfectly valid to attend but not take part in the praying out loud bit (I’m a Christian, organise weddings and have never heard of such a thing, I’d run a mile too!!!) joining in the singing, or at least pretending to is fine as an ask, though I suspect it won’t be ordinary hymns so unless they are providing teaching tracks I’d be at a loss myself on that direction.

dont make a huge thing of it, just say you are happy and excited to come along to see them marry but aren’t comfortable with participating because as you are aware we are atheists.

Can you say that you are atheists so a prayer would be insincere and false. But would you be willing to say some non religious words to give them your love and best wishes?

They weren't asked to read scripture, that's a different thing

If it's insincere and false to hope the couple have a happy healthy life together, which is probably all the prayer entails, then why are they going at all?