Family wedding with obligatory religion. What's an atheist to do?

[Tootoomooch]

A close family member is getting married this year. He is a devout christian. Both I and my partner are atheists (me, stridently; him, more quietly. Both committedly).

The family member has made a point of asking everyone to participate in various religious aspects of the wedding. It appears to be a more involved affair than the standard C of E wedding service. We've been asked - but it feels more like an instruction - to join the singing and to offer individual prayers for the couple (out loud, in front of the assembled masses).

I feel very uncomfortable about this but can't put my finger on exactly why. Logically, given that I don't believe, what is the harm in just playing along? But, conversely, if he knows we don't believe and are doing it to keep the peace, what value can he possibly place on our "prayers"? Also - and maybe this is flouncy - but why is my atheism any less valid than his theism? I wouldn't dream of asking him to not pray, or otherwise minimising his beliefs (at least out loud).

There is no way I will allow the children to participate, and I also feel uncomfortable with them watching us participate in a religious ceremony that they know we don't believe in.

My natural tendency is to both obduracy and confrontation (🤣) so my first instinct is to ignore the request and, if pushed, to say that I don't feel comfortable. This is me moderating my first, instinctive response to tell him to f-off.

However, I wonder if IABU. It's a wedding, his special day etc etc (blah) and I should just suck it up?

So -

AIBU - being a militant atheist can wait for a day. Keep the peace and make up a prayer.

or

AINBU - obliging disbelievers to participate is unreasonable and I can just keep quiet (to the fullest extent possible)

Well, we could call it that. But would you want to stand up and publicly lie at the wedding of someone you cared about?

As an atheist I’d do it, but I don’t think you’re unreasonable not to.

As an active Christian I am not happy at all with this performative styles of worship. Jesus actually preached against ostentatious attendance.
I would sit at the back and join in the singing. Probably modern cheery clappy stuff, yuck. And pray silently.

A reading of your own choice is the perfect solution. Good luck!

I don’t see what the big deal is. How many non believers join in the Lord’s Prayer at funerals or weddings? It’s just lip service. Just do it and stop making such a fuss.

So every guest has to stand up and offer a blessing/prayer? How long is that all supposed to take?

I would be very honest. You are happy to participate as part of the congregation but as an atheist you would be completely unable to lead a prayer with any sincerity and it would feel sacrilegious to do so in a church.

If the family member is a committed Christian surely they wouldn’t want you to deliver a prayer at their wedding ceremony from a position of declared faithlessness?

Edited to say, that’s how I’d feel about it but a part of me thinks as an actor isn’t this bread and butter to you, pretending?

Probably not long

One sentence each of well wishing on themes of health, community, togetherness, prosperity etc

Posters acting like each person gotta declare devotion and read from scriptures etc are just reaching imo

Of course it'll just be a short "we pray for understanding" "we pray for patience" "we pray for community" etc ...

Nothing that a reasonable person of any persuasion couldn't say and mean!

There wouldn't be time for anything else!

I don't. Some will of course but it's not something I'd feel comfortable with so I just stay quiet.

It's very easy to do that in a group setting but an individual reading is obviously very different.

How about saying that, given your own strong antipathy to the religion, you feel it it is disrespectful to him/his church to read a prayer as if you believed it. Ask if there is a secular form of words similar to the meaning of the prayer that you could use instead? You would very much like to wish them well but not in a way that feels hypocritical/untrue/disrespectful or whatever form of words you think best? I’m sure you could come up with something “prayer like” without reference to a divine being - something along the lines of “please join with me to wish X and Y a wonderful, long and fulfilling life together and let us all reflect on the joy of this day and their union”. (That’s very naff, I know, but I’m sure you could get something flowery that doesn’t involve a reference to Jesus, if you see what I mean?)

“We pray this interminable service will be over ASAP so we can get to the reception..”

It actually probably depends on the church in question. Is this a general ‘we’d like everyone to join in with the hymns and prayers’ ( in which case no one will know if you stay silent and it’s really not worth the angst) or is it like a Quaker wedding where you’re expected to say something about the bride and groom ( in which case no worries as you have to wait for the spirit to move you and anyway in terms of time not everyone can possibly say something) If they’re Catholic or Anglican and asking you to do something like a bidding prayer then you can easily say you’d rather not… if you're a close family member and they’ve asked you to read a prayer they will see that as an honour given to you to show your importance to them and be a part of the ceremony; not a testament of your own belief or otherwise, so just decline. If it’s more evangelical and they want you to pray just don’t and say you weren’t moved to or else say something neutral. In a similar situation a friend said “May your faith always remain a comfort to you both throughout your lives” which worked well!

Apologies if I've missed this, but why haven't you simply raised your concerns with this close family member?

It's wholly unreasonable on their part that they should demand that church guests utter pre-scripted prayers at their wedding. It doesn't matter how religious or devout they are, it's totally unacceptable that they should compel guests who believe differntly to behave in such a way.

It's both insincere and disrespectful on their part to expect guests to act hypocritically, and hypocritical on your part if you comply with their unreasonable demands.

Why do you feel so strongly that this is something you have to go along with? I simply would tell them that under their conditions I would not attend

Just say that you will not be offering prayers individually out loud. No discussion. You will sing, you will be there, you will be happy for them, but you will NOT be offering prayers publicly!

Mumble through the hymn
Doesn't say they were asked to do a reading anywhere at all. Just an offatory prayer. It'll be like one sentence. Say it fast and it'll be onto the next person!

I’m an atheist and attend church with my partner almost weekly. It’s one of those where they offer prayer and while I’m happy to support him in something that’s important to him, he knows that’s where I bow out. I don’t want anyone putting their hands on me nor do I want to put my hands on anyone.

If pressed you can always do a vague quoting that isn’t super religion focused.

@SkylarFalls I’ve been trying so hard not to rise to your posts, but pfff, I’ll bite.

My first observation : you don’t seem to consider religious practice to be particularly important, because very many of your posts suggest that I should just lie/pretend/go along with it. If you did consider it profound and sacred surely you’d be keen that it is respected and undertaken conscientiously. However, the sheer volume of posts on this thread suggests you do care very much indeed. So, a head-scratcher. I shall ponder.

Second observation: you say that people who sing cheesy pop songs are effectively praying. Odd analogy, and I don’t agree. I’ll pose my own. Would you require a vegetarian to eat meat at your wedding because you want them to? Would you explain that it’s only a small amount of chicken? Or cooked in a bit of lard and therefore they’re being attention seeking? If not, why not? What’s the difference between their moral framework and mine?

Phew. That was a relief.

Thanks again folks. Some wise words and interesting viewpoints.

Think miss world:
We pray for peace
We pray for health
We pray for community

Nowhere in the OP did it say she was asked to do an actual reading

First poster nailed it. I went to a wedding - well it was a blessing because they were both divorcees so couldn’t get officially married in that church despite being regular worshippers IN that church! And I mumbled through a couple of hymns, but that was my limit. Shook the vicar’s hand on the way out, but no prayers or anything like that. I’m a humanist and all religion is against my principles. In fact I have two goddaughters except I don’t because I’m not baptised and even if I was I wouldn’t go through the rigmarole of a service I don’t believe in.

Doesn’t make a jot of difference to my relationship with them, in the same way that if you refuse to participate in the religious elements of the wedding it won’t make a jot of difference to the service, the outcome or anyone’s enjoyment of the day. Don’t let someone bully you out of your principles. Assuming family member knows your beliefs it’s crass at best and disrespectful at worst to ask you to contribute in this way.

Doesn't seem like you read em at all tbh

More than once I've said that there's no lying/pretending in wishing the couple well, unless you in fact, do not!

We pray the couple have the support of their joint families as they go forth in their union

We pray for health and happiness

Anyone can say or mean that regardless of beliefs.

If that reads as lying or pretending to you then you must be going to a lot of weddings of people you don't like?

Just say “amen” and be done with it.

I don’t, because it’s sacrilegious and while I have no religion, I respect the rights of others to have beliefs. If I was in a court of law I wouldn’t swear on the Bible either because it would completely invalidate the point of the oath. I would pledge own my own honesty and principles. Non believers who quote words that others believe to be sacred are neither honest nor principled.

Your vegetarian / meat eating comparison doesn't work

Because it's not like asking a vegetarian to eat meat.

You haven't been asked to join the couples church, or to endorse it, or to declare devotion..

You've just been asked to join in a celebratory song (which atheists do) and read a hope/wish for the couples prosperity (which also, atheists can do)

Your stance is more like a vegetarian who won't eat a carrot because it came from a farm that also has livestock

I might "hope" for understanding, or "hope" for peace or "hope" for community, but nobody is going to tell me to "pray" for them.

I don't "pray". Full stop.

It would be unreasonable of someone to expect me to do so.

It’s a bit obtuse to suggest that the use of the word ‘pray’ in a church is just a word that anyone can say. It has strong religious connotations and it’s patently untrue to suggest otherwise. Unless you’re Elizabethan and it’s part of your general parlance…