Family wedding with obligatory religion. What's an atheist to do?

[Tootoomooch]

A close family member is getting married this year. He is a devout christian. Both I and my partner are atheists (me, stridently; him, more quietly. Both committedly).

The family member has made a point of asking everyone to participate in various religious aspects of the wedding. It appears to be a more involved affair than the standard C of E wedding service. We've been asked - but it feels more like an instruction - to join the singing and to offer individual prayers for the couple (out loud, in front of the assembled masses).

I feel very uncomfortable about this but can't put my finger on exactly why. Logically, given that I don't believe, what is the harm in just playing along? But, conversely, if he knows we don't believe and are doing it to keep the peace, what value can he possibly place on our "prayers"? Also - and maybe this is flouncy - but why is my atheism any less valid than his theism? I wouldn't dream of asking him to not pray, or otherwise minimising his beliefs (at least out loud).

There is no way I will allow the children to participate, and I also feel uncomfortable with them watching us participate in a religious ceremony that they know we don't believe in.

My natural tendency is to both obduracy and confrontation (🤣) so my first instinct is to ignore the request and, if pushed, to say that I don't feel comfortable. This is me moderating my first, instinctive response to tell him to f-off.

However, I wonder if IABU. It's a wedding, his special day etc etc (blah) and I should just suck it up?

So -

AIBU - being a militant atheist can wait for a day. Keep the peace and make up a prayer.

or

AINBU - obliging disbelievers to participate is unreasonable and I can just keep quiet (to the fullest extent possible)

I have to say, I don't believe they are Christians at all. If they were, they would not have asked you to pray, because a true believer knows that we are to worship God in spirit and in Truth, not in pretence - the Bible says 'if I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me'. Because you are unrepentant of your sin, your prayers would be in vain, and they should know that. A true believer would want true worship of God at their wedding, not a farce.

The only prayer that God would hear from you is prayer of repentance from sin and faith in Christ.

If they know you are an atheist I find it beyond odd that they would ask you to take part.

why is my atheism any less valid than his theism
He doesn't have a "theism" in opposition to your atheism. He believes some combination of things from some version of the Bible, and organises his life around those (perhaps more or less, depending on how badly they get in the way).

Atheism is generally a position that people consciously choose. Certainly that was historically the case, because becoming an atheist meant that you left your parents' religion. Meanwhile religious people typically don't consciously choose their position — they are mostly educated into it from birth. Even converts become converts by picking up a religion to fill a gap in their lives — nobody becomes a Catholic with all the dogma from scratch by empirical observation.

As a fellow atheist, I think it's up to us to take the high road and not be dicks about it. Just "smile and wave" like the Madagascar penguins. You are not being somehow victimised for your atheism here. Nobody is going to check that there are actual words coming out of your mouth when you "sing". If you have to say a prayer out loud, just express some warm and upbeat sentiments for the happy couple without mentioning Jesus. You're not dealing with some kind of primitive tribe who will turn on you for blasphemy — every single person in attendance will have friends who are not religious and will have dealt with those friends in borderline-religious situations (e.g., saying grace when non-religious guests are present).

tl;dr What @BridgetofKildare said. (Or pretend you are being invited to an Arsenal-themed wedding when you don't like football.)

As an atheist my view on this is that people are entitled to have whatever type of wedding ceremony they choose, however, you are also perfectly within your rights to decline the invitation, or attend and not participate in religiosity. I think provided you forewarn the couple that you wont be singing or reciting religious passages but are happy to just silently witness others doing so, then the ball is entirely in the couple's court as to whether they would still like you to attend.

If they absolutely insist that the invitation is conditional upon active participation, then I'd be subtly telling them to ram it.

Tarnation! I was going to suggest exactly this.

Could you quote a poem?
Something like
Fidelity - D.H. Lawrence
Man and woman are like the Earth, that brings forth flowers
in summer, and love, but underneath is rock.
Older than flowers, older than ferns, older than foraminiferae,
older than plasm altogether is the soul underneath.
And when, throughout all the wild chaos of love
slowly a gem forms, in the ancient, once-more-molten rocks
of two human hearts, two ancient rocks,
a man’s heart and a woman’s,
that is the crystal of peace, the slow hard jewel of trust,
the sapphire of fidelity.

Or
Extract from A Native American Wedding Ceremony:

May the sun bring you new happiness by day;
May the moon softly restore you by night;
May the rain wash away your worries
And the breeze blow new strength into your being,
And all the days of your life
May you walk gently through the world
and know its beauty.

I think you’re making this bigger than it needs to be.
I’ve attended an Indian wedding (Hindu) and just gone along with the religious aspects of those services. Didn’t understand what most of it was about, but the point was I was invited to share a special day with people I cared about.
Just go through the motions, and don’t overthink it. It’ll mean something to them even if it means nothing to you, and it’s THEIR day.

What do they mean for individual prayers for the couple? Is it something you have to write yourself? If it wishing the couple well for the future or similar I could do that and no need to mention god. I am not religious but would be able to mumble along as everyone does to the hymns ect

Dave Allen:

"May your God go with you"

Yep - like others i could do the singing I think but there's something about reading out prayers that does seem different tio me. Its s powerful thing (psychologically) to participate in spiritual/religious ritual. I might go, do the singing and then just stay quiet for the prayers i think. I doubt anyone will be checking who's participating properly on that (if they are then i think i'd get out of there).

nope if it was me I would skip the church part and only go to the reception

Omg.

Don't go to the ceremony then. It's easy.

I wouldn’t read Christian prayer but would offer to read something from literature or Life Or Brian or not at all. It’s up to him.

A postscript to my previous post: Are any of the other likely attendees Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, etc? Will they be asked to pretend to understand Christian songs and pray in Jesus's name, or will they be allowed to do something in line with their own religious tradition? Because if it's the latter, I don't see how they can object to you delivering a secular message. Indeed, have they even taken this into account? Can you gently ask maybe?

I'd treat it a bit like if I'd been asked to a wedding as part of a different culture - follow the norms but adapt them a little. If it's the norm to pin money on the dress I'd do that, if it's the norm to do endless drunken toasts - I'd do that (though I'd just sip as I'm a lightweight), asked to do a prayer I'd find some words that gave my best and heartfelt real wishes to the couple and ignore the god bit....

I think that your decision to decline to say a prayer (but perhaps say something else if the groom agrees) is the right one. I’ve attended several ceremonies of religions that I don’t believe in and I just sit and stand when everyone else does and am respectful of their beliefs. But I don’t participate in the ceremony.

(edit as double post)

basically good humouredly it's their day - they aren't asking you to sacrifice your first born on the altar.....

We've been asked - but it feels more like an instruction - to join the singing and to offer individual prayers for the couple (out loud, in front of the assembled masses).

No-one will know if you're singing or not. Mime - or not. Up to you.

I couldn't offer a "prayer". I don't know what one is really. I could honestly and heartfully say "I wish you the happiest, closest, most successful marriage" without making it about god or religion or anything. It's thinking good thoughts, isn't it?

Do you think he would ask OP to read a Christian prayer if she had converted to Judaism or Islam? I very much doubt it. Non-belief is as valid as belief and should be equally respected.

This. Are you quite sure that you’ve not misunderstood ? Is this church in the UK?

Atheism is generally a position that people consciously choose.

Literally it is a statement that there is no god. Nada. Nothing. It's only logical expression is that any any all acts of devotion to a supernatural being are a total waste of time as they cannot influence anything in the universe. And the logical extent of that is that taking part in any religious ceremony is useless for the purpose that believers ascribe to it. (So a little like voting then 😀). With all the nonsense out of the way "praying" for an atheist is just a waste of good drinking time. But there can't be any harm in it.

Unless there is a god ....

The bride and groom are completely out of line. Not everyone invited will have the same beliefs and to expect everyone to participate religiously rather than passively watch a religious ceremony is completely unacceptable and entitled, not to mention disrespectful of the beliefs of their guests. Surely some people there will have different religious persuasions?

I doubt that they're wanting anything that involved. Would take all day if multiplied by the whole congregation

One sentence like "I wish you both prosperity and health" etc is prob more like it

Not sure the OP does though?

Maybe go for a Dave-Allen style, ‘May your God go with you’?

I’m a Christian. I find it odd that you’ve been asked to do this given you are an atheist. I think it is absolutely appropriate for you to politely decline.