Family wedding with obligatory religion. What's an atheist to do?

[Tootoomooch]

A close family member is getting married this year. He is a devout christian. Both I and my partner are atheists (me, stridently; him, more quietly. Both committedly).

The family member has made a point of asking everyone to participate in various religious aspects of the wedding. It appears to be a more involved affair than the standard C of E wedding service. We've been asked - but it feels more like an instruction - to join the singing and to offer individual prayers for the couple (out loud, in front of the assembled masses).

I feel very uncomfortable about this but can't put my finger on exactly why. Logically, given that I don't believe, what is the harm in just playing along? But, conversely, if he knows we don't believe and are doing it to keep the peace, what value can he possibly place on our "prayers"? Also - and maybe this is flouncy - but why is my atheism any less valid than his theism? I wouldn't dream of asking him to not pray, or otherwise minimising his beliefs (at least out loud).

There is no way I will allow the children to participate, and I also feel uncomfortable with them watching us participate in a religious ceremony that they know we don't believe in.

My natural tendency is to both obduracy and confrontation (🤣) so my first instinct is to ignore the request and, if pushed, to say that I don't feel comfortable. This is me moderating my first, instinctive response to tell him to f-off.

However, I wonder if IABU. It's a wedding, his special day etc etc (blah) and I should just suck it up?

So -

AIBU - being a militant atheist can wait for a day. Keep the peace and make up a prayer.

or

AINBU - obliging disbelievers to participate is unreasonable and I can just keep quiet (to the fullest extent possible)

Then OP can change the wording to wish instead of pray and it will be no big deal since they mean the same thing.

Not all words spoken in a church are sacred you know. Not all prayers are sacraments.

There's a lot of disingenuity from the atheists here saying "oh I don't do it out of RESPECT for religious people"

Which is utter bollocks, as there's a world of difference between secret sacraments and an offatory prayer or celebratory hymn and there are a zillion hoops you have to jump through before you'd be asked to say anything really sacred!

It sounds like all family members were asked to do a reading which is fairly typical. Just ask which reading they had in mind and see if you’re ok with it. If you’re not then suggest an alternative text/wish. It’s really about wishing them well and blessing them not about your particular religious beliefs. If you wish them well I’d find a way to do it.

Yeah but if they just quietly did that, nobody would even have noticed on the day it'd be straight into the next person's prayer ..

And that doesn't seem like the kinda quiet solution the OP is after

Apart from where she says, 'I have been asked to read a specific prayer during the service.'
you mean?

But Op has been asked to read a specific prayer at the front of the church to everyone? I think people would notice that??

Conversely, as an atheist, I have happily sworn on the Bible.

It's the telling the truth that's important. And believe you me, perjury is perjury no matter what you don't believe in.

@SkylarFalls - Not all words spoken in a church are sacred you know. Not all prayers are sacraments

You completely miss the point. All "prayers" are by definition religious. To suggest otherwise would be disingenuous.

The OP does not want to be seen to be "performing" according to a religion she does not believe in

Christ on a bike why is no one reading the OP properly?

The OP says, 'I have been asked to read a specific prayer during the service.'

I did jury service and no way was I going to choose to swear on the Bible. It wouldn't have meant anything. I was tempted to choose the Bhagavad Gita

And these are examples of what the specific prayers might be like. If lots of people are doing them they'll be short n sweet

Because we don't know, the OP either hasn't told us (maybe because if they did then probably nobody could find any problem in the sentiment) or because they haven't asked what it is before deciding to protest

Or she knows the close family member well enough to know that they would absolutely notice and claim it has ruined the wedding or something.

If OP thinks that changing the word would cause an issue or they refuse the offer of a more secular reading then I think just politely declining to take part is the way to go.

The OP said that she had been asked to read a specific prayer during the service. We don't know how long it is, but it is a reading of sorts.

Again you miss the point.

The OP doesn't want to be seen to be performing an apparently "religious" act which she would see as hypocritical.

That might not bother you but says more about you than the OP

I'm assuming that it is a Christian prayer, otherwise she wouldn't have a problem with it.

This isn’t about you, or your children.

Or atheism.

Park your ego for a day.

I am a Christian but would feel very uncomfortable in the situation you are describing. Prayer for me is a personal thing. Therefore YANBU in my opinion.

"Pray" isn't a sacred word

Atheists can "pray"

Saying "I pray for rain" doesn't denote any particular god or faith in any good at all.

It's not even a word that a sensible logical atheist would NEED to change in order to say and mean, that they pray for the wellbeing and good fortune of the couple

The infinitive verb "to pray" is not some sort of sacred incantation.

I’d probably do it and enjoy the experience. I’m confident enough in my own beliefs to follow some rituals from other religions or cultures when it’s part of a celebration.

Like a PP said, I don’t see the point in militant atheism. That almost creates its own religion. Just let people live how they want if it’s not hurting anyone.

Well again, that's just you 😀

The actual book is irrelevant. It's the promise that counts.

As I said, no one has been excused perjury because they had their fingers crossed when they took the oath.

Swearing on "a" book is merely a demonstration to the court that you understand you are being asked under pain of law. Historically it was assumed that swearing on a Bible would ensure a good Christian told the truth. Which seems a bit odd because a good Christian would obey the commandment about not bearing false witness. However we are in danger of looking for consistency in religion. And that won't happen here.

Cool, ask the OP what their specific problem is with the words they've been asked to say to the couple. Cause we're knee deep in this thread now and the OP is active, but they ain't said which words would be like "meat in a vegetarians mouth" to them?

I know this is off topic, but if you are an atheist, why would you be happy to swear on the bible?

I'd be concerned that if any questions were subsequently raised about the truth of my testimony, I might be asked why I had chosen to swear on the bible - which was contrary to my belief - rather than affirming.

Affirming is no more difficult than swearing on the bible

The actual book is irrelevant.
So why do you get the options of the Bible (Old or New Testament), the Gita, or a non-religious affirmation?

One of the definitions of "pray":

B2 [ I ]
to hope for something very much:
We're praying for good weather for tomorrow's game.

Since when can't atheists do that?

Obviously it'd clarify things for everyone if the OP said what specific prayer she'd been asked to use.
In the absence of that, though, the most likely conclusion is that it's a Christian prayer explicitly about God/Jesus/some other aspect of Christianity and that's why she's got a dilemma about it.