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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

thinking its mad, how everyone assumes your going to return to work, when your dcs start school?

573 replies

milkgoddessmakesthefinestmilk · 28/05/2008 20:49

im not planning to, i want to be the one that takes dd to school picks her up from school is there if shes sick or on holiday.

don't school children have about 3 months of hols a year?

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 31/05/2008 21:19

In a slightly catty aside (forgive me pagwatch) I am worried about PP's husband. On tonight's thread he is only earning £180k while a couple of weeks ago he was earning £250k. It must be the effects of the credit crunch I guess.

findtheriver · 31/05/2008 21:22

ROFL Quattro! She's a hoot isn't she?

struwellpeter · 31/05/2008 22:22

A long time ago someone said to me that having children was fine, but something always has to give. Ladies, your arguments are very circular now and I just wonder what you each feel has 'given' with your particular life choices?

For myself (now on my sixteenth year at home but having dabbled in PT jobs ) I have lost the status of being in a professional career. I have not lived in a tidy house with a pile of perfectly ironed clothes but I hope it has been a happy home. I have counted myself lucky to have been there for my children when they have needed me. I have the greatest admiration for women who appear to 'have it all' and marvel at the organisation needed to live what to me would be a double life.

pagwatch · 31/05/2008 22:26

rolf Quattro
cat-away

findtheriver · 31/05/2008 22:26

struwellpeter... sounds like you are very happy with your life, which is great. But the person who said to you that 'something has to give' was expressing their personal view. That's all it is. A view.

jajas · 31/05/2008 22:28

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FairyMum · 31/05/2008 22:53

It depends on your personality. If you are a naturally organised person who is quite relaxed about juggling different things at the same time, then it probably doesn't stress you out too much. Personally, I wouldn;t say I am particularly organised, but I am laid-back and don't get stressed very easily which helps. And I really enjoy my job. Reading this thread has made me realise more than ever there must be some sort of divide between people who genuinly enjoy their job and those who don't. I have never had the feeling of dragging myself out of bed to go to work. I feel genuinly excited every monday morning because I love being at work and never really clock-watch. I wonder if that's unusual.

FairyMum · 31/05/2008 22:55

oh, and I spoke to my 6 year-old on the phone today. He is on holiday in Ireland with DH as its half-term. He told me he is really missing school. Perhaps we are a weird family.LOL

jajas · 31/05/2008 22:57

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FairyMum · 31/05/2008 23:02

Risk management.

I am currently on mat leave and veeery sleep-deprived so please read my posts with a pinch of salt as I am currently dreaming of going to the office to go to sleep under my desk

findtheriver · 31/05/2008 23:03

I agree fairymum, and I don't think you're that unusual. I don't feel I'm mega organised either, but I guess like you I try not to stress too much (either at home or work) and if you have a shared approach to things with your partner then it's perfectly possible to manage home and work. I think it's sad if people end up in a line of work they don't enjoy/find overly stressful/can't manage. Important to try to be in control of your working life, rather than it controlling you. I think maybe you're right - the divide is really between people who don't like their work, and grow to see work as a 'bad' thing, and people who do find it interesting and fulfilling.

handlemecarefully · 31/05/2008 23:10

Oh bollocks to rehashing this tired old discussion again [have grouchy hat on tonight]

Dragonhart · 31/05/2008 23:14

I am at home with my 2 dc and pregnant with my 3rd so soon will have 3 young children at home with me. We decided that while our children were young and preschool it was important to me to be at home with them, and luckily I enjoy being a SAHM so everyone is happy. We are not well off, but planned our lives around the fact that we both wanted me to be at home with our children and having had them so close, childcare would have been more than my salary anyway.

I see my SAHM status as a career break though and feel as excited about going back to work as I do at staying staying at home with my children now. I do realise that I am lucky in that I can do my old job freelance and my DH works shifts so I will be able to fit it around their school timetable.

However dont you think it is inevitable that women's careers suffer after they have decided to have children? Mums want to put their children first and that means over their jobs and careers.

I do feel it is my resposibility to contribute to the society into which I have bought my children. Not neccesarily a monetry contribution but if I was in the situation of being at home when my dcs had gone to school and I could afford it, I would feel that surely I could spare afew hours to voluteer? But it doesnt worry me if other SAHMs stay at home all their lives or if working mums work a 5 day week.

I think the most important thing is choice. As long as we have the choice to work/stay at home with our children or any mix, and are supported in that decision by society and especially other women then surely we have the freedom we want. Or is that too idealistic?!

Niecie · 31/05/2008 23:57

findtheriver- "where have I 'attacked' women who stay home? You really are a one track record and it's getting boring". You aren't exactly full of new and interesting points of view yourself, you know.

My DS1 has great aspirations of what he wants to do with his life - really interesting and imaginative things. I have no idea if he will achieve them - I hope he does but he is still very young and is bound to change his mind a dozen times. However they are not things I would aspire to or things I would be good at so why does it matter what I do with my time. I don't want him to be a mini-me or a mini-DH and he is not turning out that way. It is up to him to live his own life. I will make sure he is happy, healthy and educated - the rest is up to him.

As for my DC being proud of what I do, until they are teenagers I don't expect to even understand what the world of work is all about and I certainly don't need them to be proud of me - so long as they love me and have respect for me that is enough. I know that they don't think more highly of DH just because he goes to work. They are children - they have another 10 years before either of them even has to begin to think about that sort of thing and in 10 years time who knows what I will be doing - there is a world of possibilities out there.

Niecie · 01/06/2008 00:06

Dragonhart that was a great post. I particularly agree with your last paragraph. That is exactly what I was trying to say many moons ago.

Unfortunately, although a lot of women pay lip service to the idea of choice,apparently it is only a valid choice if you chose not to 'waste' your education and chose to work. It is very sad that chosing to stay at home with your children for a while is so looked down on.

findtheriver · 01/06/2008 08:22

niecie - it's interesting that you keep carping on that I am 'attacking' women who stay home, yet never actually provide any evidence of it!!

Yes, I want my children to love and respect me too. And respect means respecting who I am, which is first and foremost a mother, but also a person with many other aspects, one of which is being a professional.

Dragonhart - agree with some of your post, but NOT that it's inevitable that a woman's career will suffer when she has children. Parents who work do put their children first you know!!

ssd · 01/06/2008 08:30

I was/am proud of my parents because they are/were great people, not because of the job they did

find that an odd view, but each to their own

findtheriver · 01/06/2008 08:39

But who has actually said that children should be proud of a parent because of their job?!!!
I think there's a lot of (deliberate?) misreading of posts going on here. If you have respect for someone/are proud of them because they are a great person, then presumably they are great because of WHO THEY ARE, ie the sum total of who they are. And the lives we lead contribute to the person we are. To me it seems entirely artificial to try to compartmentalise every aspect of ourselves. As I say, I want my children to respect me because of who I am. One aspect of that is having a professional role outside the home. There are lots of other aspects too!

AbbeyA · 01/06/2008 08:47

I can't understand why people are defined by their jobs. Sometimes I work full time, sometimes I work part time and sometimes I don't work at all-I am the same person!!
I don't talk about my job when I am out socially, unless I get together with others who do the same thing and that is very boring for anyone else so we usually apologise and change the subject.
Personality is more important. You can be a SAHM and be witty and interesting and you can work full time at a fascinating job but be as dull as ditchwater!
Why not just let people do what they are happy with and not criticise?

findtheriver · 01/06/2008 08:55

Agree AbbeyA. People are the sum total of who they are. I don't define myself by my job. Or by being a wife. Or by being a mother. Or a daughter. I am all of those things.

sarah293 · 01/06/2008 09:10

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ssd · 01/06/2008 09:18

kids always want what they don't have

do whats right for you and your family, thats about it

sarah293 · 01/06/2008 09:19

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ssd · 01/06/2008 09:20

they do get a say, but they change what they want every 5 minutes, so ultimately the parents must decide,

findtheriver · 01/06/2008 09:24

Lol about riven's 16 year old not knowing who to rebel against!! Yeah, first off, you have to accept that virtually all kids once they get to around teenage years will rebel. Against something. Anything. And that's perfectly normal - it's the ones who don't who are probably going to be dysfunctional adults!
Hmmm... tricky one about how far you let your kids have a say in major decisions. I think there's no hard and fast rule is there? It's not a black and white thing. My kids sometimes say 'God mum, I wish you could bake cakes as nice as X's mum', but quite frankly I damn well can't, and wouldnt have been able to if I'd stayed home all day and tried!!
Ultimately I guess, a family needs to try to keep all lines of communication open, so that there's genuine awareness of how everyone feels. And that's not really a work/home issue - it's relevant to all aspects of life isnt it? You get on with living your life in a full and interesting way, and if anything seems like it's conflicting, try to resolve it in a reasonable way, without any one person 'getting their own way'. It gets harder the more kids you have too, as more viewpoints to consider. My ds currently tells me to get a job in London as he wants to live there.... so I just tell him to bog off and get one himself when he's old enough

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