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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask older lady to wear headphones in cafe

393 replies

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 10:06

There is a cafe where I defo sometimes to work quietly on my laptop. It’s really well priced and friendly staff. I always buy either breakfast or lunch plus a few coffees and there is no issue over laptop use as there’s tons of space and many others do it. I always have sound turned off and never make calls.
There is a woman, I would say she is young 70s, who comes in nearly every day with her husband. She sits on her phone and flicks through Tik Tok videos with the sound on. It’s so incredibly annoying and distracting and I find it so inconsiderate.
The first couple of times I said nothing but yesterday I went over and said ‘I’m sorry, do you have any headphones you could use?’
She looked at me in horror and said ‘I never use headphones. I saw you looking over at me. I will put my phone away when I’m ready to.’ She then carried on.
I was so shocked, I said ‘but what would happen if everyone in the cafe played music out loud on their phone…’
She interrupted me and snapped ‘I’m not playing music,’ (Technically true, she was watching Tik Tok videos which are so much more annoying). Then she said: ‘Other people talk very loudly.’
Her tone was so loud and confrontational I sort of gave up and said ‘well, I was just letting you know that it was bothering me’ and went back to my table.
Her husband then said incredibly loudly ‘How rude. When we come to this cafe all the time. I bet she wouldn’t talk to someone else about that but she’s come up and spoken to you’ - basically implying I’ve picked on her because she is an older woman, as opposed to some intimidating bloke or young person. Which is not true!
She carried on exactly as before, making loads of noise with her phone. I honestly couldn’t believe the level of entitlement.
For context these were not a frail elderly couple but an obviously wealthy middle class couple. It’s a mixed are where there are houses which cost millions and also council flats etc.
WIBU to speak to her?

OP posts:
jbm16 · 07/08/2025 12:35

PrincessSakura · 07/08/2025 12:25

So you wouldn’t mind someone sitting in a cafe loudly listening to Spotify on their phone? Or watching a movie on their laptop at full volume, what if they had Bluetooth speakers and really ramped the volume up? Is that still acceptable background noise?

It has never been socially acceptable to listen to music/videos loudly on any sort of device, it could be a radio, a phone, laptop etc. It’s anti-social and completely different from normal noise that people make.

It's not something I would do, however I'm not sure you can control noise in a cafe, loads have background music and general noise of people talking, kids playing.

If they need peace and quiet I would suggest an alternative location or noise cancelling headphones.

Spidey66 · 07/08/2025 12:38

You weren't being unreasonable to ask her, but you were unreasonable to use a cafe as a workspace. It's very annoying to go to a cafe and tables are being used by people on their laptops making a coffee last hours. Work from work, home, library or one of those workspaces. Obviously a quick email or call is fine.

GoBackToTheStart · 07/08/2025 12:42

It doesn’t matter whether you’re in a cafe, in Drs waiting room, on a bus, sharing a park bench with someone, or anything in between, it’s bloody antisocial to expect everyone around you to listen to your tinny music coming out of your phone speakers or the constant stop/start of repetitive backing music and loud narration as you scroll through social media. It shows absolutely no regard for other people and is easily rectified by a pair of headphones, but people that do this clearly think their comfort and convenience is more important than every other person around them.

Each of us is responsible for ensuring we do not disturb other people unreasonably, it isn’t everyone else’s job to protect themselves from disturbance so that we can do whatever we want.

You aren’t being Unreasonable Op and it’s clear you weren’t being ageist either.

heartsinvisiblefury · 07/08/2025 12:45

Anyone that thinks you are in the wrong for asking them must be one of those entitled people without headphones thinking that only the stuff they’re watching is important. Stuff everyone else with manners who use headphones and appreciates that not everyone wants to listen to their stuff. Makes my blood boil!!! Good on you, they’re rude.

EnjoyingTheArmoire · 07/08/2025 12:47

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 07/08/2025 12:21

^^
This. I disagree with most of the other posters here saying she was rude.

She is in a public place and making no more noise than a group of mothers, talking loudly that had children most likely would.

If you don't like the noise then YOU wear headphones. Or go somewhere to work where you can guarantee quietness.

But it isn't comparable to a group of mothers and children is it? It's about the type of noise, not just what the exact volume is.

Headphones are for hearing audio from a device.

The OP wasn't listening to audio through a device, the other woman was. So why on Earth should it be the OP wearing headphones?

rookiemere · 07/08/2025 12:49

YANBU there is something tinny about the sounds coming from phones or ipads that I find particularly grating and somehow completely different from normal chatter.
When we were away recently the life guard completely spoiled my enjoyment of the quiet pool by listening to his bloody phone all afternoon.
I don’t think I would have had your courage to speak up OP, but well done.

For anyone who does listen to stuff in public without headphones, please stop. It’s antisocial and frankly rude.

aWeeCornishPastie · 07/08/2025 12:51

They sound awful I would wear headphones myself to block her out and complain to the staff. She sounds very entitled and rude

Viviennemary · 07/08/2025 13:04

nomoreshite · 07/08/2025 10:59

That is really fucking annoying. Too many people are doing this these days - on trains, buses, in cafes, walking down the street, on top of a fucking mountain (actual example from a couple of months ago).

On the other hand, a cafe is not a workspace.

A cafe is not an office. If I go into a cafe I do not want to see folk at work. They should be in their own homes or in the office.

BlueyNeedsToFuckOff · 07/08/2025 13:07

Viviennemary · 07/08/2025 13:04

A cafe is not an office. If I go into a cafe I do not want to see folk at work. They should be in their own homes or in the office.

How are people working in a cafe (assuming they are not making work calls) affecting you at all?

I don’t personally work from cafes, but if people are quiet and there’s space for everyone, what exactly is the issue?

SmartDog · 07/08/2025 13:12

It wouldn’t bother me so I wouldn’t have said anything. To me, noise from a device is no different to people chatting. However I know it seems to bother other people but I think you are always best to ask the owners to speak to the person rather than doing it yourself. If the cafe owners don’t mind the noise then there isn’t much you can do, it’s not the cafe for you.

Our local cafe encourages people to work from there. They won’t make anyone use headphones or stop people using their phones so if people don’t like it, they go elsewhere. They’re always really busy and are currently extending their premises so it obviously works for them.

SmartDog · 07/08/2025 13:15

Viviennemary · 07/08/2025 13:04

A cafe is not an office. If I go into a cafe I do not want to see folk at work. They should be in their own homes or in the office.

If the cafe owners are ok with it, then they can be there. You can go elsewhere where the view and sounds suit you better.

QueenofFox · 07/08/2025 13:23

I have this all the time with older people on buses, I assume it’s a hearing loss issue as it’s so loud, but super annoying

ImFineItsAllFine · 07/08/2025 13:28

I agree OP people playing music/videos on devices in public spaces without headphones is really annoying and would piss me off in a cafe. But the fact you are choosing to use a cafe as a workspace undermines your point becase it can be argued that that's also not an appropriate use of the space.

Lins77 · 07/08/2025 13:32

Some people really don't bother to read posts properly. The OP has clearly explained that she is not blocking a table required by others, she is ordering food and drinks and not making a coffee last hours, she does not expect total quiet, others in the cafe also work on laptops at that time of day.

Yet still people make the same critical comments again and again, jumping to conclusions that aren't warranted by the information given.

FWIW the loud TikToks will certainly be annoying more people than just the OP.

DancingNotDrowning · 07/08/2025 13:33

It’s extraordinarily rude and entitled to play anything on your phone without headphones and totally different the usual noise in a public space.

Whether I was working or socialising it’d drive me to distraction

thebraveryofbeingoutofrange · 07/08/2025 13:39

Lins77 · 07/08/2025 13:32

Some people really don't bother to read posts properly. The OP has clearly explained that she is not blocking a table required by others, she is ordering food and drinks and not making a coffee last hours, she does not expect total quiet, others in the cafe also work on laptops at that time of day.

Yet still people make the same critical comments again and again, jumping to conclusions that aren't warranted by the information given.

FWIW the loud TikToks will certainly be annoying more people than just the OP.

All the time. If people could be bothered to read the whole of the OP posts there would be no confusion.

LittleBitofBread · 07/08/2025 13:39

jbm16 · 07/08/2025 12:35

It's not something I would do, however I'm not sure you can control noise in a cafe, loads have background music and general noise of people talking, kids playing.

If they need peace and quiet I would suggest an alternative location or noise cancelling headphones.

Background music, people talking and kids playing are very different from someone using their phone to play TikTok.

LarkspurLane · 07/08/2025 13:41

ImFineItsAllFine · 07/08/2025 13:28

I agree OP people playing music/videos on devices in public spaces without headphones is really annoying and would piss me off in a cafe. But the fact you are choosing to use a cafe as a workspace undermines your point becase it can be argued that that's also not an appropriate use of the space.

Working in a cafe is really common and often encouraged in many cafes near me. Why not have an empty table filled with a quiet single person? It can only be argued as inappropriate if the cafe does not want it. In that case, the cafe should make that clear.
Does it really bother you if you go in a cafe (that is not full) and someone is at a table with a laptop?

jbm16 · 07/08/2025 13:42

LittleBitofBread · 07/08/2025 13:39

Background music, people talking and kids playing are very different from someone using their phone to play TikTok.

Not really, all noise...

thebraveryofbeingoutofrange · 07/08/2025 13:46

jbm16 · 07/08/2025 13:42

Not really, all noise...

It is different, the background noise is a general hum. People using devices have varying degrees of volume.

NeelyOHara · 07/08/2025 13:46

Spidey66 · 07/08/2025 12:38

You weren't being unreasonable to ask her, but you were unreasonable to use a cafe as a workspace. It's very annoying to go to a cafe and tables are being used by people on their laptops making a coffee last hours. Work from work, home, library or one of those workspaces. Obviously a quick email or call is fine.

Except OP explained in the opening post that she always buys breakfast or lunch.
But of course, people are deliberately ignoring that. Whilst also claiming listening to tik tok videos is exactly the same as low level chatter.

NeelyOHara · 07/08/2025 13:47

jbm16 · 07/08/2025 13:42

Not really, all noise...

Why are you lying? It’s quite clearly a totally different type of noise, changing music, and volume every few seconds.

godmum56 · 07/08/2025 13:50

I chose YABU because its a cafe not an office. If you have a problem with it, take it to a staff member but I would have told you to bog off too.

LarkspurLane · 07/08/2025 13:52

godmum56 · 07/08/2025 13:50

I chose YABU because its a cafe not an office. If you have a problem with it, take it to a staff member but I would have told you to bog off too.

Do you listen to things on your phone without headphones in a public space?

I am trying to get my head around why people think this is ok.

BlueyNeedsToFuckOff · 07/08/2025 13:59

LarkspurLane · 07/08/2025 13:52

Do you listen to things on your phone without headphones in a public space?

I am trying to get my head around why people think this is ok.

It’s really bizarre, isn’t it?