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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask older lady to wear headphones in cafe

393 replies

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 10:06

There is a cafe where I defo sometimes to work quietly on my laptop. It’s really well priced and friendly staff. I always buy either breakfast or lunch plus a few coffees and there is no issue over laptop use as there’s tons of space and many others do it. I always have sound turned off and never make calls.
There is a woman, I would say she is young 70s, who comes in nearly every day with her husband. She sits on her phone and flicks through Tik Tok videos with the sound on. It’s so incredibly annoying and distracting and I find it so inconsiderate.
The first couple of times I said nothing but yesterday I went over and said ‘I’m sorry, do you have any headphones you could use?’
She looked at me in horror and said ‘I never use headphones. I saw you looking over at me. I will put my phone away when I’m ready to.’ She then carried on.
I was so shocked, I said ‘but what would happen if everyone in the cafe played music out loud on their phone…’
She interrupted me and snapped ‘I’m not playing music,’ (Technically true, she was watching Tik Tok videos which are so much more annoying). Then she said: ‘Other people talk very loudly.’
Her tone was so loud and confrontational I sort of gave up and said ‘well, I was just letting you know that it was bothering me’ and went back to my table.
Her husband then said incredibly loudly ‘How rude. When we come to this cafe all the time. I bet she wouldn’t talk to someone else about that but she’s come up and spoken to you’ - basically implying I’ve picked on her because she is an older woman, as opposed to some intimidating bloke or young person. Which is not true!
She carried on exactly as before, making loads of noise with her phone. I honestly couldn’t believe the level of entitlement.
For context these were not a frail elderly couple but an obviously wealthy middle class couple. It’s a mixed are where there are houses which cost millions and also council flats etc.
WIBU to speak to her?

OP posts:
Seymour5 · 07/08/2025 11:38

Zebedee999 · 07/08/2025 11:21

You are acting very considerately; the older lady is totally inconsiderate.

Consideration for others is a rare value nowadays (30% of voters here sadly do not care aboutg others peace and quiet)

I agree, the majority have to put up with the selfish minority. On public transport, in cafes and bars, no one should be playing music or anything else without wearing headphones. I got so fed up with the noise coming from a young man’s phone on the train recently, I played some of my own. Another older lady (like me) laughed and gave me the thumbs up.

When he switched off whatever unrecognisable crap he was playing, I turned off my pipe band music. Nothing surprises like a blast of bagpipes!

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 11:39

@PersephoneSeethes thats simply not the case here. As I said I wouldn’t go to work in a cafe in that scenario, I value our local cafes and definitely wouldn’t act in that way. This cafe is pretty large, I’d say 25 tables. At the time this happened this was a weekday morning, I would estimate it was about a third occupied. Of that, about half of the people in the cafe were working quietly like me.
I was there an hour and a half, and I ordered breakfast and two coffees. This couple were there much longer and they had one coffee each. I don’t accept that the simple fact of having a laptop - with the sound off - makes you anti social or a bad customer. If I was keeping someone else from a table I simply would not stay in a cafe with my laptop. Also, surely if that was an issue for a cafe, the cafe would manage this by restricting laptop use to specific times of day. Some cafes local to me do this, others like the one I’m describing don’t restrict it as presumably they’ve decided the custom is worthwhile to them.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 07/08/2025 11:41

I think it's extremely. cheeky to use a cafe as your place of work. And woman shouldn't be playing videos in a cafe without headphones. You are both as bad as each other

BlueyNeedsToFuckOff · 07/08/2025 11:41

The OP comes across as entitled and intolerant.

Entitled and intolerant for not wanting to listen to TikTok videos playing out loud on other people’s phones? I would have thought most people wouldn’t want to listen to that, regardless of why they are in the cafe.

Cherrysoup · 07/08/2025 11:41

I’m not sure the staff are going to be happy to have someone taking up a seat to work rather than allowing others to use the space as it’s meant to be.

If you need quiet, is there not a local library?

She’s being very antisocial, I’ve had business men taking/making endless loud calls in the train’s quiet carriage, drives me nuts, but the glares you get if you look askance is not worth the hassle. Equally, parents allowing their dc to watch iPads/phones at full volume in the same situation drives me nuts. I get far too worried about this in advance to even want to use the train now. 😢 Some people are just incredibly rude.

zacsGranny · 07/08/2025 11:41

This situation is why I applaud shops who refuse to serve people who are on their phones.

purplecorkheart · 07/08/2025 11:42

I actually wonder if you work in the coffee shop that is near my workplace. There are a couple in there that do things like that just so people will complain to them and they can kick off.

I actually know one of their nieces and she told me they love when some one asks them to turn down the sound on their phone or to move their bag off an empty chair etc. They boost about it. They are also daily regulars to the coffee shop. The staff have stopped interfering as they just get abuse. The manager does not appear to care.

waitingforpost · 07/08/2025 11:42

The OP comes across as entitled and intolerant

😆😆

thebraveryofbeingoutofrange · 07/08/2025 11:43

waitingforpost · 07/08/2025 11:42

The OP comes across as entitled and intolerant

😆😆

Same 🤣🤣

KimberleyClark · 07/08/2025 11:43

CompleteLackOfDisrespect · 07/08/2025 11:30

Oh you sweet summer child. You haven't been in a public library for a very long time have you?

Are you really suggesting coffee shops are quieter to work in than libraries?

Where I live, libraries are now called hubs. They are still libraries, but also workspaces. They even have small meeting rooms.

With people who work in coffee shops, I think there is an element of wanting things both ways - they want to work and relax at the same time. Coffee shops are essentially leisure spaces.

thebraveryofbeingoutofrange · 07/08/2025 11:44

purplecorkheart · 07/08/2025 11:42

I actually wonder if you work in the coffee shop that is near my workplace. There are a couple in there that do things like that just so people will complain to them and they can kick off.

I actually know one of their nieces and she told me they love when some one asks them to turn down the sound on their phone or to move their bag off an empty chair etc. They boost about it. They are also daily regulars to the coffee shop. The staff have stopped interfering as they just get abuse. The manager does not appear to care.

How old are these obnoxious people?

Deadringer · 07/08/2025 11:44

I wouldn't expect quiet in a cafe, perhaps the library would be a better place for you to work.

redjeans28 · 07/08/2025 11:47

Deadringer · 07/08/2025 11:44

I wouldn't expect quiet in a cafe, perhaps the library would be a better place for you to work.

oh ffs!

chattychatchatty · 07/08/2025 11:48

Seymour5 · 07/08/2025 11:38

I agree, the majority have to put up with the selfish minority. On public transport, in cafes and bars, no one should be playing music or anything else without wearing headphones. I got so fed up with the noise coming from a young man’s phone on the train recently, I played some of my own. Another older lady (like me) laughed and gave me the thumbs up.

When he switched off whatever unrecognisable crap he was playing, I turned off my pipe band music. Nothing surprises like a blast of bagpipes!

I love this and am going to nick your bagpipes idea for the next time someone is dimwitted enough to think watching whatever they want at full volume in public is perfectly OK and not at all rude or inconsiderate. Greensleeves on the bagpipes, maybe: the revenge anthem of the headphone wearers.

Thistoo2023 · 07/08/2025 11:48

AuntyDepressant · 07/08/2025 11:15

Let me get this straight. You treat a coffee shop like your own personal remote working space which you feel is fine for you to do as long as you buy breakfast there, you expect other customers to keep quiet and do as you say and not to play videos on their phones without headphones …… but YOU can’t believe the level of entitlement? 😂

Christ this dim-witted take AGAIN. She wasn’t anticipating that it would be as quiet as “her own personal remote working space”. She was anticipating that it would have the normal noise levels of a cafe. It’s not normal or reasonable to scroll on TikTok at full volume.

Is it really that hard to understand that some types of noise are far more intrusive than others? So no you haven’t got it straight at all.

Praying4Peace · 07/08/2025 11:50

Very difficult situation and perceived differently by many.
The issue of people talking /using their phone for tiktok etc in public places affects many.
I was on a coach with a lady sitting beside me who was wfh. She was on a teams call and I was really distracted by her conversation. I politely asked her if she was going to be on her phone for the duration of the journey.
We all need to consider others in public places. In the same way that you are using the cafe to wfh, the couple may be using it for social purposes.
No easy answers

NeelyOHara · 07/08/2025 11:50

Overwhelmedandunderfed · 07/08/2025 10:40

You didn’t say anything ageist! You just gave as much context as possible ffs. If you hadn’t mentioned age someone would have asked you their age anyway! There’s some right cunts in here that just love arguing drives me mad.

It’s ruining the site as well, every thread gets derailed by people wanting to archive and deliberately ignoring the information in the OP and just making shit up to suit their argument.
It is mainly able to happen due to posters being allowed to name change, people wouldn’t do it if they couldn’t as they know they’d be labelled trouble makers and ignored.
It is making the site unreadable. Which I think is the aim.

Pancakeorcrepe · 07/08/2025 11:51

CatsMagic · 07/08/2025 11:02

Am I reading a different thread to everyone else ?

I think you were really cheeky approaching this woman in a cafe and asking her to put headphones on - It’s a cafe not your personal office space! if you don’t like the noise then the onus is on you to find somewhere else to work.

There is nothing more annoying and rude than playing Tic Toks without headphones. Regardless if OP is working or just trying to relax in the cafe. If I went for a cafe to have a nice coffee, it would annoy me so much to have someone loudly scrolling through electronic noises on their phone. Electronic noise is so much more intrusive than people chatting to each other or children playing. The woman with the phone is the cheeky one.

PersephoneSeethes · 07/08/2025 11:51

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 11:39

@PersephoneSeethes thats simply not the case here. As I said I wouldn’t go to work in a cafe in that scenario, I value our local cafes and definitely wouldn’t act in that way. This cafe is pretty large, I’d say 25 tables. At the time this happened this was a weekday morning, I would estimate it was about a third occupied. Of that, about half of the people in the cafe were working quietly like me.
I was there an hour and a half, and I ordered breakfast and two coffees. This couple were there much longer and they had one coffee each. I don’t accept that the simple fact of having a laptop - with the sound off - makes you anti social or a bad customer. If I was keeping someone else from a table I simply would not stay in a cafe with my laptop. Also, surely if that was an issue for a cafe, the cafe would manage this by restricting laptop use to specific times of day. Some cafes local to me do this, others like the one I’m describing don’t restrict it as presumably they’ve decided the custom is worthwhile to them.

I think you should either gently talk to the manager to sus out the situation, if you like the cafe so much as they are so amenable to laptoppers, I would be very careful about burning bridges. Either that, or you get headphones yourself and leave these people to annoyingly scroll Thic Toc in public because they obviously won’t stop.

thebraveryofbeingoutofrange · 07/08/2025 11:52

NeelyOHara · 07/08/2025 11:50

It’s ruining the site as well, every thread gets derailed by people wanting to archive and deliberately ignoring the information in the OP and just making shit up to suit their argument.
It is mainly able to happen due to posters being allowed to name change, people wouldn’t do it if they couldn’t as they know they’d be labelled trouble makers and ignored.
It is making the site unreadable. Which I think is the aim.

I agree. It’s more like bear baiting on here now.

waitingforpost · 07/08/2025 11:53

It’s ruining the site as well, every thread gets derailed by people wanting to archive and deliberately ignoring the information in the OP and just making shit up to suit their argument

Is it boredom or can people actually not read? It is ruining it as you say.

chaosmaker · 07/08/2025 11:53

Anyone on shitty devices anywhere listening to crap should manditorily need to wear headphones.

Praying4Peace · 07/08/2025 11:53

EleanorDashwood · 07/08/2025 11:03

There are two things I'd think about doing, given you can't speak to the staff.

First, I'd maybe write an online review praising the coffee and friendliness of staff, but noting that staff don't stop people listening to loud Tik Toks without head phones, which means it's not a suitable place for working, or quiet conversations. That might prompt the owner/manager to ask the staff to intervene, if they think it's impacting takings. (Also, with questions like that, I bet the staff would love them to go elsewhere).

Other thing, which I think other people have already suggested, would be to fight fire with fire, and enlist a thick skinned friend to sit near their usual seats and play reels even louder than they do!

You are definitely NBU though, and as an older person, I hate it when people claim you're only picking on them because of their age.

Not sure why age is relevant.
As other posters have said, families with children are frequent visitors to eateries and that is associated with a level of noise too.
Cafes weren't created with a view to being a workspace

Themagicfarawaytreeismyfav · 07/08/2025 11:57

I had a young girl doing exactly this in costa the other day. Its so antisocial and annoying.

Anonomoso · 07/08/2025 12:00

NapoleonsToe · 07/08/2025 10:13

Speak to the staff.

What on earth has her age got to do with it?

Exactly...

Whether she's 7 and on an IPad or 70 and on her phone.

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