To ask older lady to wear headphones in cafe

[Bearlionfalcon]

There is a cafe where I defo sometimes to work quietly on my laptop. It’s really well priced and friendly staff. I always buy either breakfast or lunch plus a few coffees and there is no issue over laptop use as there’s tons of space and many others do it. I always have sound turned off and never make calls.
There is a woman, I would say she is young 70s, who comes in nearly every day with her husband. She sits on her phone and flicks through Tik Tok videos with the sound on. It’s so incredibly annoying and distracting and I find it so inconsiderate.
The first couple of times I said nothing but yesterday I went over and said ‘I’m sorry, do you have any headphones you could use?’
She looked at me in horror and said ‘I never use headphones. I saw you looking over at me. I will put my phone away when I’m ready to.’ She then carried on.
I was so shocked, I said ‘but what would happen if everyone in the cafe played music out loud on their phone…’
She interrupted me and snapped ‘I’m not playing music,’ (Technically true, she was watching Tik Tok videos which are so much more annoying). Then she said: ‘Other people talk very loudly.’
Her tone was so loud and confrontational I sort of gave up and said ‘well, I was just letting you know that it was bothering me’ and went back to my table.
Her husband then said incredibly loudly ‘How rude. When we come to this cafe all the time. I bet she wouldn’t talk to someone else about that but she’s come up and spoken to you’ - basically implying I’ve picked on her because she is an older woman, as opposed to some intimidating bloke or young person. Which is not true!
She carried on exactly as before, making loads of noise with her phone. I honestly couldn’t believe the level of entitlement.
For context these were not a frail elderly couple but an obviously wealthy middle class couple. It’s a mixed are where there are houses which cost millions and also council flats etc.
WIBU to speak to her?

People really don't read posts properly - or even titles, in some cases. (Why would you ask someone to wear headphones because they were chatting?!)

The way to deal with this is always simply to match it. Turn your TikTok videos on at the same volume. I find people who claim they’d not be bothered, amazingly are. Most people stop.

Of course the most effective way to deal with such people would be to take their phone and stamp on it which really should be legal however in the absence of that option….

I’m with you OP.
Mentioning her age IS relevant - in this age group we were all generally brought up to be quiet and respectful of people and surroundings, almost verging on “seen but not heard”. So it is unusual to encounter someone in that age group being excessively noisy to the detriment of others.

(I’ve had success myself copying someone else's approach - an experienced London bus driver who I overheard saying “Hello (not excuse me), can you/you need to reduce the volume as it’s impacting other people”.
(asking for the volume to be “reduced” had the effect of it being switched off).

Hopefully OP, the lady might post on Gransnet asking for advice - and she will be told! 😊

I suppose the bus driver has more authority than the average cafe customer, though.

It really needs to come from the staff.

I wonder what TikTok woman would do then - turn it down, or storm out?

YANBU. Phone/tablet noise is not the same as general conversational noise at all. It stands out and can be incredibly jarring, and not just for people trying to concentrate because they are working or reading. I find it very hard to concentrate on what anyone I am with is saying if there is constant phone noise nearby. It is also antisocial and selfish.
DP works in cafes at times. He got fed up with someone watching the football full blast on their phone. He went over and gave them a pair of cheap headphones. They got the hint and turned their phone right down.

Personally, I would like to think I had to guts to sit next to the offender and watch some really loud porn on my phone.

The woman's age here is relevant, for reasons that the OP has explained very clearly.

Well done for speaking up. I find it so incredibly rude when people don't use headphones and it's sadly becoming more the norm. I don't care if people let their kids have tablets at tables but I do care when they have the sound on and no headphones.

I can see that it was annoying for you, but why can’t you wear noise cancelling headphones?

There was an occasion when I was in a café with 3 friends. We were chatting - and laughing. All perfectly normal.

A youngish woman was working on her laptop, but seemed to be having a conversation or an interview over it. We heard her say to whoever ‘I’m sorry about the noise, there are people talking at the next table in the café’!!

I wish one of us had told her to go home or to the library, if she expected silence for her office work.

Another thoughtless entitled twat, they are everywhere in this country now, especially on public transport. It is so much effort for the limited intelligence of some people to be thoughtful and considerate, and to realise that public shared space is not an extension of their home.

Maybe people sitting with their laptops for hours on end is equally rude. I'd have a maximum time rule. But you are right about the old lady.

If someone is annoyed at someone being at their laptop for hours, then surely they were there for the same amount of time to notice? I don't get the outrage.

I see people on laptops, but I also see people reading for ages, playing a card game with a friend, someone doing crafts. If it was an issue, they would be asked to leave.

It's not rude if they're not blocking tables wanted by others, and are ordering food/drinks similarly to other customers.

Both of which apply to the OP, so I don't see an issue.

Because the other person it's annoyed about the noise 😀

I bet if the OP does it the staff will say something! One rule for one and all that.

You were totally in the right OP.

People need to get headphones and stop being bloody horrible. Noise pollution is a scourge.

Basically this.

It's a cafe, a public place, not your workplace. You had no right to ask her to turn her phone down because it's distacting you from working. Use an office or your home. YABU.

If OP wasn't working, was having a coffee with friends and the phone was annoying her, would it be ok then to ask her to turn it down?

Do you use phones in public spaces without headphones?

If I were in a cafe chatting with friends and some rude cow started blasting her audio at me, I'd be equally annoyed. It's not so much to do with the work as with the other person's sheer bad manners.

No to both questions

I totally get this!
D.P and I went out for a meal recently in a lovely steak place which is a real treat for us.
At first all was good. Where we were sat was quiet and then a family came in made up of a woman in her 50s with her (old) parents and they were sat at the next table.
Next thing the woman takes her phone out and phones a relative who isn't there and proceeded to have a loud speaker phone call between the 3 of them. They were so loud and the call went on until their food came out. It totally ruined our meal as we couldn't hear ourselves over them all talking loudly into the phone.
We didn't like to say anything as they were old but it was so rude! And it could of waited.

OP, you are my new hero. I hope as I grow older I also develop the stones to tell strangers, calmly and politely, that the way they are behaving in public is unacceptably thoughtless.

YANBU, OP. I have a solution for you, and others in like circumstances:

Get yourself a decent portable Bluetooth speaker - it's easy to get one much more powerful than any phone speaker. Charge it and take to the cafe; use your PC (or phone, indeed) to play to this speaker.

... Play something you enjoy. (I have used the final chorale from Bach's cantata 'Wachet auf ruft uns die Stimme ...', 'Gloria sie dir gesungen ...' - several excellent performances of this are available.)

Play your music loudly, again and again. After a few iterations, sing along, as loudly as you can.

This makes the point. Although the music may be startlingly beautiful (and actually, if it's Wachet auf..., a supreme human achievement), still maybe not everyone wants to be forced to listen to it over and over in a cafe (or railway carriage etc). But, anyway, it'll easily drown out TikTok, or anything else, on someone's phone or PC speakers.

Why should you be able to impose your choice of listening on others? - You shouldn't. Likewise, then, they shouldn't impose on you. Huh, old lady in OP's favourite cafe? (I'm old, by the way, probably older than her. But you young people can also win against thoughtless noise polluters in this fashion.)

Good luck!

The reading comprehension on this site really is poor!

@recore I would have suggested the 1812 overture, but probably not in the current political climate.

Why don’t you work from an office or home?