To book holiday without friend

[TarzanGirl]

Have a bit of a dilemma here and don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not…

Group of 4 friends. 3 of us are what you would call ‘high earners’ whilst our 4th friend works a more ‘hobby’ job for want of a better term and only earns about £45/50k a year.

Last year, we’d all agreed on a city break destination but the proposed hotel was vetoed by our friend due to being too costly, so we went to an alternative (which wasn’t great) at her request.

We are looking at going away again later this year. Early discussions between two of us (not the 4th friend). We really want to stay somewhere more luxurious but know our friend won’t be able to afford it.

Out of the options below, what do you think is most appropriate? We give our friend the option of joining, knowing full well she can’t stay there and when she suggests an alternative, say no. Or book without her knowledge and hope she doesn’t find out about it? We don’t really post on social media so that’s not an issue.

OP, you are getting a hard time here. I totally get what you mean by a “hobby” job and sympathize with your dilemma. In my own peer set, we all started more or less at the same level - analysts at investment banks, lawyers at “magic circle”, consultants at MBB, graduate schemes at the likes of Diagei/Shell/P&G etc. Then some started to change trajectory for different reasons - motherhood, lifestyle, purpose etc either quitting work, going part-time or switching to a “hobby” job, eg retraining as therapists/coaches/yoga instructors, or switching gears like going from senior associate at Clifford Chance to an in-house lawyer at a charity. Add to this some of them becoming a single income household to top it off. It created a degree of income disparity. Subsiding is not a solution - breeds entitlement and resentment. But we’d gift an expensive trip away for a landmark birthday for example. Neither you can always settle down for the lowest common denominator. Similarly, you can’t always go for 5 star hotels and Michelin meals. Our solution is to alternate - expensive and moderate and if some can’t join so be it. What you can’t do is conceal your trip - that’s a killer. She needs to be allowed a choice. You have already compromised before so it’s not one sided.

at the expense of salary.

As others have said, she earns well above average. There are people who support families on less. Honestly your attitude to her job is terrible. It’s patronising and out of touch.

Plus lots of people who are in niche careers end up really successful over time.

Oh, so the £40-£50K is pin money?

Love to know what your barometer for a 'successful' career is?

100k+ - successful?
90k or under - unsuccessful pleb?

Definitely isn’t at the expense of income. She’s earning a great wage.

@TarzanGirl do you think teachers, NHS workers, anyone that earns 45k or less do hobby jobs?

How you sound such a lovely bunch of friends !!!!!

From what I can work out, every one in this scenario has plenty of disposable income (and is what many would call rich), but one person has slightly less disposable income than the others...

I suppose the thread does at least demonstrate that money doesn't buy you friends.

Who needs enemies, with friends like you? You sound snobby and horrid.
“Hope she doesn’t find out” Wow, just wow!

I could quite happily live on £50k for the rest of my fucking life!

How would you feel if you were in her shoes ?? To not tell her is a shit thing to do to a 'friend' Surely there's more than 2 hotels to wherever it is you wish to grace with your presence, find somewhere you are all happy with and can afford. That's what friends do.

Peopel withh successful careers either have to to mix only with other "successful" people or adapt their behviour/spending to suit the means of the lower paid in the group.

There is one couple in our friendship group who are much better off than the rest of us. They have holidays the rest of us could only dream of when they go alone, with us we all stay in cheap AirBnBs.

They keep coming back so I guess they still enjoy themselves. They're also really generous buying drinks etc when we're all away. No one expects it, but it's lovely that they want to share their success rather than seeing it as being penalised for their success.

You sound stuck up.
I am a teacher who works my arse off for less than 50k.

You missed out “hobbyist”. You know like all
those teachers, nurses, fireman, policemen, pharmacists, junior accountants, government lawyers etc

Well said!
OP and her rich mates, sound ghastly.

I’m a nurse too. Don’t forget we also don’t have ‘successful’ careers as we don’t earn the amount the OP does.

Clearly my diploma, degree and MSc means I’m not at all successful because I earn around the same amount as her friend.

You sound vile OP!

Nice of them to knock around with you paupers 😂

I need to find me a hobby job that pays 50k.. that would be amazing, would genuinely give up my corporate job for that

Tricky. I’d definitely let her know in advance. She’ll be hurt otherwise. I’d frame it that you and friend 1 are planning a weekend at x hotel in x destination. Would friends 3 and 4 fancy it? Clearly one of them will. One of them will probably say it’s unaffordable. But you haven’t deliberately excluded her or gone behind her back. Could her husband pay?

My group of friends is the same, a subset of us do a weekend somewhere every year. Not everyone can come for reasons relating to finances, childcare, other plans etc. This year we planned Mykonos for a certain weekend in Sept. Hotels there are not cheap so a couple of them aren’t coming due to finances. (The two with 4 children each in private school, so it’s not like they literally can’t afford it, they just prioritise other things). Yes we could have gone somewhere cheaper or to a different island, but not everyone can do everything and not everything should default to the lowest common denominator.

I'm sorry you feel your friend should be more money-focused like you and not have chosen to do a job she's passionate about. As a teacher with an MBA, I suppose I could have swum with the sharks but somebody's got to educate children, even rich people's.

"Hobby job" tells us so much about you.

Would a nice villa solve the problem? They tend to be cheaper than top end hotels.

In the OPs eyes her friend has a 'hobby job' because she's chosen to do something that she enjoys but earns less than she could, and less than her friends, as a consequence. The OP is not thinking about anyone else outside of that frame of reference. She is not thinking being a nurse or a concierge is a hobby job - she's not thinking of the likes of nurses at all and she's only thinking of concierges in terms of her holiday wants.

something my friend is passionate about but has severely limiting earning potential.

OP, you are making it worse. £50k is not a ‘severely limited’ salary.

Maybe to you and your other friends, but you need to look more widely and raise your awareness.

Maybe not a salary that allows ‘exclusive’ hotels in expensive resorts, but it is also mega patronising to suggest that she needs a high earning ‘hubby’ to subsidise her. It’s a salary that vast numbers of people live on, and live perfectly enjoyable lives. Yes, if she and her DH like to ski in Klosters and summer in Mustique they will need to use his salary. But it doesn’t mean hers is pin money.

Seriously, maybe spend some time reflecting on your awareness and attitudes in these times of CoL etc.

It’s ok to want to spend your money your way. It isn’t that great to think about people the way you do.

Do you actually like this "friend" OP?

I think you should book the expensive hotel as it is obviously more important for you to stay in this hotel than having your friend there.

You need to tell her as otherwise you're not just being a crashing snob but also a coward.

Then maybe she can re-assess her friendships.

No concierge at a nice villa though. How ever would the poor darlings survive?! Practically ghastly!