To book holiday without friend

[TarzanGirl]

Have a bit of a dilemma here and don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not…

Group of 4 friends. 3 of us are what you would call ‘high earners’ whilst our 4th friend works a more ‘hobby’ job for want of a better term and only earns about £45/50k a year.

Last year, we’d all agreed on a city break destination but the proposed hotel was vetoed by our friend due to being too costly, so we went to an alternative (which wasn’t great) at her request.

We are looking at going away again later this year. Early discussions between two of us (not the 4th friend). We really want to stay somewhere more luxurious but know our friend won’t be able to afford it.

Out of the options below, what do you think is most appropriate? We give our friend the option of joining, knowing full well she can’t stay there and when she suggests an alternative, say no. Or book without her knowledge and hope she doesn’t find out about it? We don’t really post on social media so that’s not an issue.

Give her the option and let her decline. In my local friendship group, most are richer than me (as I 'only' earn 44K working full time in a professional job that requires a degree and post graduate qualification and pays significantly above the average UK wage but isn't even at the 45-50K level of your friend's apparent 'hobby' job 😂). We don't tend to go on holiday together bu do quite a few day trips and evening things. If they're things I can afford I go and if they're things I can't I decline - either saying I can't make it or that it's too expensive, I'm comfortable with either. No point being embarrassed by wealth disparity or letting it affect anybody's choices, it's just a fact of life.

Personally if it was me, I would never price out a friend for a holiday. I value their company above a fancy hotel. If I wanted a luxurious holiday, I'd maybe go with a partner or a different friend not in that group.

I just think, how would you feel if you were the only one excluded because you couldn't afford something?

Obviously it is your choice and I can understand you wanting to enjoy some luxury. I just think that by excluding her you are communicating that luxury is more important to you than seeing your friend and I think that's quite damaging to a relationship.

Hobby job at 50k! Bit snobby putting it that way. My husband earns that as a doctor works very hard in the NHS he almost at consultant level.
Just go on the holiday if she can't afford it that's on her or if you all have big salaries why don't you all pitch in and get her a ticket.

2s company and 3s a crowd.. you have had discussions with another friend but what about the third? What does she think?

I have had a similar scenario lately. We are a group of 4 couple friends and for my special birthday next year DH and myself are flying business class to San Francisco. One couple has declined due to finances, Another couple are joining us but flying Economy and one couple is still thinking about it as has some health problems that need sorting before she commits. I have compromised on the hotel to make it affordable for all but this is a small price to pay to have friends join me.

I don't think its unreasonable to go and do what you want to do and leave it open to others joining you, but maybe rethink how you phase things and be diplomatic.... no one likes a snob.

I don’t know if you’re deliberately trying to incense people with your friends hobby job earning only £50k 🤣 I’d just be honest. No need to mention previous. Hey skint mate we are wanting to go to x fancy it? If she suggests something cheaper just say that the 2/3 of you really fancy luxury, and let her self exclude. I think it would be werid if she kicks up a fuss.

OP no offence but you sound awful.

A ‘hobby’ job and only earns £45k a year which btw is waaaay more than average. And you are considering not inviting her because you want to go to a better hotel, that just screams sh*t friend quite frankly.

I'd rather slum it in an average hotel and have all my close friends there, than go somewhere nicer that meant excluding one of the group. Each to their own I guess.
I wouldn't book it without telling her. That's definite mean girl behaviour and I couldn't be friends with someone who'd even consider doing that.

Wow. I don't think you need to tell her in person , just direct her to this thread and tell her she only needs to read your posts . I'm sure she'll back out of the holiday very soon .

Hobby job for £50k vs being penalised for successful careers?
No concierge service?
Go on your break and maybe get your friend a job doing room service so she can really make herself useful.

I suppose it depends if you want to remain friends with her or not.

Booking something behind someone’s back and hoping they don’t find out is really awful and people who try and keep things like that secret seem to get found out.

Booking something you know she can’t afford is also telling her you don’t want her to come with you.

So I suppose it’s do the 3 of you value your friendship? Or do you give her more notice and therefore a chance to save so she can join you?

But quite honestly it feels like if you are posting the question on here, you know it’s a bit of shitty thing to do and you’re trying to justify it.

I’m just waiting for the deletion message for calling a £45/50K salary a “hobby” job. It’s higher than the UK average salary.

OP sounds insufferable.

I haven't read the full thread but have you considered paying her to carry your bags? That way, you get that experience and she gets to join you on the holiday.

Anyway, too much time on Mumsnet today, I need to get back to my hobby.

50k, a hobby job!!! Absolutely unbelievable snobbery

I hope the poor friend with the 'hobby job' is on mumsnet and recognises her 'friend' from this post and finds herself some new friends. What a stuck up snob!!!

Who needs enemies when they've friends like you. You sound like an awful person

I'm sure there was a post just like this recently except it was about restaurants. All the friends secretly went to a restaurant that the fourth friend couldn't afford, and the fourth was super upset.

Anyway.

Not at all, I’ve seen it said elsewhere on here actually that the more senior you are, the greater the flexibility etc and I’m really happy with my work-life balance.

And on that note id say its time to wrap this up op. Book the hotel you want, let your 'friend' know in case she wants to come as well and stick to your guns if she tries to suggest a cheaper hotel. End of and Good day to you!

Presumably she and her husband have holidays together? They don't invite you, do they? I don't see why you have to include everyone every time you go away. The fourth person isn't going anyway.

‘no concierge service to name a few issues’ oh no, how on earth did you manage with no concierge service?! Does that mean you had to order your own taxis and book your own restaurants 😱 how do you even consider this woman a friend?

😂

You sound pretty mean. I'm in the same financial position - available options that I've used are (1) just stay at a hotel everyone can afford, it's the company that matters (2) part fund it for your friend who can't afford - you're not 'being penalised', you're being kind (3) if friend is too proud to take money or part payment - agree to dates, just book a room for her and say you got a great offer, used points etc (I use the 'points' excuse a lot), so it's only [insert amount she can afford] (4) go to a hotel a bit more than she can afford but pay for absolutely everything out there so it ends up being a pretty cheap holiday for your friend.

Ah only mumsnet, where a single person income bigger than that which supports a family of 5 is described as just 'hobby' money.

Bluntly OP, you sound like a complete dick.

You’re not really getting the point that people are making that she is earning well despite you being dismissive of her role and earning potential. Lots of people in the country would love to be earning the salary you are demeaning as a ‘hobby job’. That might apply if she was earning £4k but not at £40k.

To the point at hand- if you’re doing a city break do you have to stay in the same hotel. You could be open about destination but say this time round everyone wants to book their own accommodation to suit preferences.

Crikeyyy OP I am cringing. I’m glad to say (despite being a high earner) that we don’t all see our friendships this way and we do indeed have humility and self-awareness. A secret holiday behind her back?? Yuck. Do better.

Only on MN would 45-50k be hobby level salary !!! Youre all in the top 1% going off UK figures. Wtf !!!

• You can/want to eat out, surely?
• The loud building work was presumably a one-off
• Can't you do without a concierge service?!

Maybe I'm the odd one out here, but I'd rather keep the hotel/trip a bit cheaper if it meant I could go with all of my friends.
I definitely wouldn't book it behind her back. That is obviously going to come out at some point.

Is self-catering via Airbnb or wherever a possibility? You can get very nice places for much less than a hotel.