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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To book holiday without friend

391 replies

TarzanGirl · 07/08/2025 09:54

Have a bit of a dilemma here and don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not…

Group of 4 friends. 3 of us are what you would call ‘high earners’ whilst our 4th friend works a more ‘hobby’ job for want of a better term and only earns about £45/50k a year.

Last year, we’d all agreed on a city break destination but the proposed hotel was vetoed by our friend due to being too costly, so we went to an alternative (which wasn’t great) at her request.

We are looking at going away again later this year. Early discussions between two of us (not the 4th friend). We really want to stay somewhere more luxurious but know our friend won’t be able to afford it.

Out of the options below, what do you think is most appropriate? We give our friend the option of joining, knowing full well she can’t stay there and when she suggests an alternative, say no. Or book without her knowledge and hope she doesn’t find out about it? We don’t really post on social media so that’s not an issue.

OP posts:
SharpFox · 07/08/2025 11:23

Do not go on holiday in secret without telling her. That's really mean and unnecessary. Just be honest!

GAJLY · 07/08/2025 11:23

BlueberryBagel · 07/08/2025 11:18

I’m going to go against the grain here and say YANBU to want to go to somewhere more luxurious. This is the issue when you are long term friends and everyone makes different life/career choices.

I also don’t think you should have to pay for her. I have a friendship group from school and the majority of us are either high earners or married high earners. We have one friend who chose to have kids with a cock lodger. She’s the fourth woman he has had children with. Doesn’t drive, doesn’t earn well etc. She earns pretty okay (less than your friend and more than what I was on as a SAHM) but not near what the rest of us do.

We visit restaurants we wouldn’t usually and pay for nice spa days for her for her birthday but I draw the line at contributing to a holiday. I would feel okay with organising a holiday with the others and telling her the plan so she has a choice (even if i know she doesn’t really because she can’t afford it).

I don’t think it’s leaving her out if you do this 10% of the time in comparison to doing things in her budget 90%. The issue is if you’ve already talked about a group holiday and then you plan somewhere she can’t afford. If a group holiday with her is already on the cards I think you have to go somewhere in her budget.

I think you’re getting a lot of negative feedback here though because of your wording. 45k is a decent amount of money and calling it a hobby job sounds really rude!

Absolutely this 👆

LucasBall23 · 07/08/2025 11:24

I want a 50k hobby job

Smallsalt · 07/08/2025 11:24

Do fuck off.
Hobby job 50K.
Read the room love. Or can your high earning brain not manage that?

CircusofPuffins · 07/08/2025 11:24

TarzanGirl · 07/08/2025 10:12

Blimey I wish I didn’t use the term hobby, I couldn’t think of the term to use. ‘Niche’ probably would have been better - something my friend is passionate about but has severely limiting earning potential. Of course she works hard etc.

Any job that pays £40-£50k - significantly more than the UK average - is not severely limited earnings lol. Is this a wind up?

Moonlightbean123 · 07/08/2025 11:24

FrenchandSaunders · 07/08/2025 10:09

No concierge! Oh god ... I see what you mean. Leave her behind, you can't be expected to carry your own bags or book your own tables. She'll understand if she's a good friend.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👏👏👏👏👏👏

Enigma53 · 07/08/2025 11:25

“Only 45/50k per year”
Thats a decent salary for some!

Waterbortle · 07/08/2025 11:25

I reckon OP and friends all trained together, the wealthy ones went for corporate jobs and hobby friend has taken more interesting, giving something back kind of work. Rich finds sneer at her, whilst being secretly jealous, but not wanting to sacrifice their life-style.

Friend is definitely better off without them. Amd that's OK, friendships fade as lifestyles change.

Original poster
TarzanGirl · 07/08/2025 11:25

nabanna · 07/08/2025 11:03

don't know if already been suggested but she could stay at a different hotel in same location , we have done that before on group trips. That might work if other things (restaurants, outings ) were affordable, but could be it is total costs not just hotel that are ££££

Logistically that wouldn’t work and would feel silly. The area we are looking at for this year doesn’t really cater for lower budgets and the potential hotel is very exclusive so a non guest just popping in and out won’t be feasible.

OP posts:
goldenquestion · 07/08/2025 11:25

You sound a treat.

I bring home about the same as your 'poor' friend and am quite able to take breaks with my friends, both those that earn more and those that earn less. That's because to us, the break with friends is about the friends, not the concierge service.

In this scenario, you should propose the hotel in a group message and say you are going to x, does anyone want to join. Let your rich friends say ooh yes and she can say yes or no and make her own choice. Sneaking about would be completely unfair.

RubyFlax · 07/08/2025 11:26

YABU for calling £45-50k a “hobby job”, when the average salary in the UK in 2025 is £29k, and the average HOUSEHOLD income after tax is only £36k. What planet are you on?

If you want to go on holiday with your “high earner”
friends without her then crack on, but to do this behind her back is vile. You will need to be honest and upfront and say that you want to book a luxury hotel and your budget is £x and see who’s in. It’s up to her to decide if she wants to spend her apparently casually earned hobby money on that or not.

zingally · 07/08/2025 11:26

Yikes.

It sounds like friend 4 needs better friends.

I'd be absolutely heartbroken if my 3 best friends planned to go on holiday without me, because they thought I was the poor relation.

You sound incredibly snobby. £50K is a great income, and I'm sure she'd be quite upset if she saw you calling it a hobby job.

I actually hope she finds this thread.

Alliod40 · 07/08/2025 11:26

Fuck off..you 3 are mean bitches and keep this other woman as someone to belittle..I hope she sees this and finds nicer friends ffs..nah this is actually horrible to see...this woman earns a great wage and you're mocking her for it..you'd be deleted from my life in an instant ..

Original poster
TarzanGirl · 07/08/2025 11:26

Clearinguptheclutter · 07/08/2025 11:13

But you also said "only earns about £45/50k a year", as if that's really inferrior. The average UK salary is £37k. Higher in the south east, where you may be, but you need to understand that for the vast majority of us that would be considered a pretty good salary.

Anyway to the point, it's not clear if she has high outgoings or not. If she has a London mortage and kids to support she probably won't have a lot of money to spend. If OTOH she is mortgage free and childless, she may well have decent disposable income. I have a few single friends on that kind of salary and they have a very nice life. I'd be asknig her what kind of budget she has as a starting point.

Show quote history

It’s not a case of a high Mortgage etc, just comes down to disposable income. Her hubby earns well which enables her to pursue her passion for a living at the expense of salary.

OP posts:
Waterbortle · 07/08/2025 11:26

TarzanGirl · 07/08/2025 11:25

Logistically that wouldn’t work and would feel silly. The area we are looking at for this year doesn’t really cater for lower budgets and the potential hotel is very exclusive so a non guest just popping in and out won’t be feasible.

Show quote history

So you've designed the trip specifically to exclude hobby friend? Of all the destinations in the world...

Squishymallows · 07/08/2025 11:27

TarzanGirl · 07/08/2025 10:05

I don’t think covering some of the costs will work - it will set a precedent for future trips, and it feels a bit like we are being penalised for having successful careers.

Show quote history

You can’t be a real person? No one is this emotionally unintelligent

arabellacanella · 07/08/2025 11:27

You sound like horrible friends. I cant believe there are people like you in this world that look down on the rest of us 'peasants' with our measly hobby job salaries. Do her a favour and let her find some decent friends that arent so stuck up their own arse.
My 13 year old has better morals than you!

Original poster
TarzanGirl · 07/08/2025 11:27

WaryHiker · 07/08/2025 11:21

Presumably you've chosen to work all the hours there are at this high-flying job of yours so you can earn lots of money and do nice things with it that make you happy.

One of the nice things you could do with that extra cash would be to help your lower earning friend to come on holiday with you. Assuming you like her enough to want to enjoy her company that week.

Not at all, I’ve seen it said elsewhere on here actually that the more senior you are, the greater the flexibility etc and I’m really happy with my work-life balance.

OP posts:
Ayeayeaye25 · 07/08/2025 11:28

OP you don’t come out if this well and sound quite patronising and dismissive of your friend.

Personally, if the fourth person was a genuine friend I would simply say we have found a deal on this hotel it costs such and such and this is where we really want to go. You can then decide if you are such high earners whether you tell your friend the true actual amount and leave it to her to decline or try to get you all to choose another hotel or whether because you are all such high earners and appreciate and value your friends company that you each contribute X amount (without saying anything) to make it affordable for your friend to go.

MrsDoubtfire123 · 07/08/2025 11:28

I need to find a ‘hobby’ job that pays £50k ! What am I doing with my life , if they exist 😱🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Noshowlomo · 07/08/2025 11:28
bridesmaids help me im poor GIF

Fuck me I need to quit my job for a hobby job on just £50k

Heronwatcher · 07/08/2025 11:28

Seriously I would much rather have the company of a loved friend than a concierge! Is luxury really so important to you? Some of the best/ nicest hotels I have stayed in have been really affordable and I’d much rather stay in a small local place than a marble encrusted chain I bet you’re going to Dubai. Can you really not compromise if you do a bit of research.

Plus this is only your “breather” holiday after all 🙄

But as to your question yes of course you must tell her.

Flightyandmighty · 07/08/2025 11:29

Hobby jobs do not pay 50k. If that’s the case your friend has done very well for herself. You sound awfully materialistic. If you were true friends you wouldn’t consider leaving her out and compromise. If you are such high earners I expect you have multiple holidays and can down grade slightly for one of those. Surely having good friends is better than a five star stay.

wizzywig · 07/08/2025 11:30

Hmm would I rather have a hobby job that pays me £50k or be successful? Decisions decisions.

But if she doesn't come with you then who becomes the pauper of the group?