To book holiday without friend

[TarzanGirl]

Have a bit of a dilemma here and don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not…

Group of 4 friends. 3 of us are what you would call ‘high earners’ whilst our 4th friend works a more ‘hobby’ job for want of a better term and only earns about £45/50k a year.

Last year, we’d all agreed on a city break destination but the proposed hotel was vetoed by our friend due to being too costly, so we went to an alternative (which wasn’t great) at her request.

We are looking at going away again later this year. Early discussions between two of us (not the 4th friend). We really want to stay somewhere more luxurious but know our friend won’t be able to afford it.

Out of the options below, what do you think is most appropriate? We give our friend the option of joining, knowing full well she can’t stay there and when she suggests an alternative, say no. Or book without her knowledge and hope she doesn’t find out about it? We don’t really post on social media so that’s not an issue.

Really don't encourage her to stay at a 2star round the corner whilst you and your rich friends are lording it up in a 5star.
I imagine you'd all turn your noses up at her hotel if you called round for her!

Beyond embarrassing for her and quite an insult.
Just tell her what you are doing and see if she wants to stretch to it. Or not.

We had a similar set up years ago - though all four of us earned a similar decent wage but the 4th friend chose not to spend and save more instead. It always affected where we could go and what we could do as it was always too expensive for her. Nice restaurants in London for special occasions or generally eating out would be vetoed and we felt guilty excluding her so simply didn’t go.

It also affected any holidays we wanted to go on and she would complain it was too expensive. It gradually developed into the three of us meeting without her, having a separate group chat, and so on. The first time we went abroad without her was a big destination where we all said we want to go and enjoy ourselves so she bowed out and that made it easier going forward.

But being completely honest, over time, it has led to the three of us being even closer and we don’t see or speak to her as much anymore. It was slightly different in our situation as it wasn’t that she didn’t have enough money, but she was prioritising big holidays with her boyfriend, and then was also going out with other friends, which is why she was tight with money with us, but it wasn’t fair on us that we couldn’t do what we wanted because of how she chose to live her life. So I don’t blame you for wanting to do things without her, just be careful of your friendship changing over time.

jeez you sound stuck up !!! ONLY 45/50k !!!

Yeah. Wish I only earned that.

I can’t imagine even considering just going and not telling her. What kind of friend does that?

This.

Hobby job 😂!
Ridiculous. Also - it's not likely to be outing.

You cant go on holiday and keep it secret. What a horrible thing to even suggest. The fact that you are thinking about it suggests to me that you dont value your friendship.

I hope she realises what you are thinking so she can find better friends that dont see a concierge service as more important than her or think her job is a "hobby job".

If you are determined to go on an expensive holiday that she cant afford then at least have the respect for her to tell her. She needs to know that you'd prefer a fancy hotel to her company.

How much do you earn?

But you also said "only earns about £45/50k a year", as if that's really inferrior. The average UK salary is £37k. Higher in the south east, where you may be, but you need to understand that for the vast majority of us that would be considered a pretty good salary.

Anyway to the point, it's not clear if she has high outgoings or not. If she has a London mortage and kids to support she probably won't have a lot of money to spend. If OTOH she is mortgage free and childless, she may well have decent disposable income. I have a few single friends on that kind of salary and they have a very nice life. I'd be asknig her what kind of budget she has as a starting point.

I'd choose my friend over a posh hotel any day of the week.
It's only a city break. Surely you can slum it for one weekend 🙄

Indeed! 😂

We don't holiday often, so when we do, we will spend more and make sure it's a good experience. So I get what you mean about booking cheaper accommodation when the bulk of the group can afford better. I would tell her, and give her the choice of joining in but say the hotel is non negotiable but other parts of the trip can be changed around budget.

Hobby job on £50k and you being penalised for having a “successful” career 😂. Maybe just go away and don’t tell her so when she finds out she can move on to people who value her as a friend instead of a salary

I speak from experience and my husband is that lower earner among rich friends. If you don't want to end that friendship then make a group chat, state the details of the luxury holiday with an invitation to all interested. That is the only way you'll all still be friends. If she complains about the cost, just say, I'm sorry but that's where we want to go and you're welcome to join us." Perhaps suggest a weekend somewhere later on in the year to accommodate her. But hiding it from her will not go well and will be exposed at some point on social media.

No way in the world this is real

Damn. I'm so gullible 😕

Erm.. How about the term "a business".. That doesnt sound like limited earning potential to me either. It sounds like a fairly decent successful business that may happen to be something she enjoys as a hobby. Your choice of wording in all your posts is extremely telling. If i think about a friend who has her own business, that's what comes to my mind.. That my friend has her own pretty successful business. The hobby and all the talk of you being more successful wouldn't occur to me because shes my friend. God how awful for her

I’m going to go against the grain here and say YANBU to want to go to somewhere more luxurious. This is the issue when you are long term friends and everyone makes different life/career choices.

I also don’t think you should have to pay for her. I have a friendship group from school and the majority of us are either high earners or married high earners. We have one friend who chose to have kids with a cock lodger. She’s the fourth woman he has had children with. Doesn’t drive, doesn’t earn well etc. She earns pretty okay (less than your friend and more than what I was on as a SAHM) but not near what the rest of us do.

We visit restaurants we wouldn’t usually and pay for nice spa days for her for her birthday but I draw the line at contributing to a holiday. I would feel okay with organising a holiday with the others and telling her the plan so she has a choice (even if i know she doesn’t really because she can’t afford it).

I don’t think it’s leaving her out if you do this 10% of the time in comparison to doing things in her budget 90%. The issue is if you’ve already talked about a group holiday and then you plan somewhere she can’t afford. If a group holiday with her is already on the cards I think you have to go somewhere in her budget.

I think you’re getting a lot of negative feedback here though because of your wording. 45k is a decent amount of money and calling it a hobby job sounds really rude!

You're not really her friend.

Wagon.

This
And I would also like to know what hobby job pays that rate of salary…….asking for a friend

Presumably you've chosen to work all the hours there are at this high-flying job of yours so you can earn lots of money and do nice things with it that make you happy.

One of the nice things you could do with that extra cash would be to help your lower earning friend to come on holiday with you. Assuming you like her enough to want to enjoy her company that week.

Tell the other two that the two of you have found a holiday you really want to go on, so you are going to book. Say they are welcome to join you, but no pressure.

Sounds like you’re choosing between the hotel or your friend and you prefer the hotel…!! I would prefer to be with the people I want to be with, the location is secondary, surely?

This.
And I would like to know that too...i'm clearly doing something wrong!!!!

Place marking for more hints about the hobby job that ‘only’ pays £50k.
If we find out could someone please @ me.
😁

You say that she has a hobby job, only earns £50k a year, that you're being penalised for being successful and for those reasons that you're considering booking a secret holiday and hiding it from your friend.

You sound like an insufferable snob and an absolute shit friend. I really hope she reads this so she can find out what you really think of her.

‘Only earns 45/50k’ 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣