To be struggling with friends SEN child??

[KimbleThimble]

I feel bad to write this but I also don’t want to discuss this IRL.

My friend popped over to my house today with her autistic child, and I feel like I have only just managed to sort all the destruction. I really want to spend time with my friend, and I adore her child, but she is so destructive and some of it is not repairable. For example, today she tore apart a book that my DC were gifted by a grandparent, she ripped flowers up in the garden, she broke my child’s favourite toy, that was expensive and I can’t afford to replace. We try so hard to hide away the precious things before a visit, but I can’t literally box their entire rooms up.

My friend is really down because she has had other friends make comments about similar scenarios, but believes that these things are material. She does do her best, but her daughter is 7 and very physically able. My eldest is absolutely distraught about the book and the toy. There are also jigsaw pieces that have been chewed up. The trouble is, if friend just follows her around our house, she doesn’t get any break, and even with eyes on, the destruction takes seconds.

My children are upset every time they come to visit, with fear about what will happen to their belongings.

I don’t know how to manage this situation. AIBU to be feeling this way? Especially when my friend is a single parent and this is her daily reality?

Has this brilliant friend offered to replace the book and toy?

Does she put other non edible items in her mouth? I’m no expert but sounds like PICA.

The pool thing would really really annoy me actually. My 5 year old is doubly incompetent too (he is also autistic). He loves swimming and wears a swim nappy but I have to admit it's getting harder to find ones that fit.
However that's not an excuse to ruin everyone's fun.
If I had a friend who couldn't be bothered to parent or always used the excuse of SEN I wouldn't be friends with them.
Same for you OP. Your friend still needs to parent her child (it's different parenting a child with SEN but you don't just let them destroy other people's things) and if she can't or won't then just see her on her own. Or go to their house, then it's not your stuff getting wrecked.
Unfortunately if you're a single parent you don't get a break in this situation. I've been separated from my husband for a few months. It's bloody hard always being on high alert, but it's not okay to let my DC destroy things because I need a break.
She's upset because friends have made comments. As the stuff is just material she can replace it. Until she does she can't come round. Might be the only way to make her realise she actually has to parent her child m

Why doesn't she keep her daughter with her instead of allowing her to go where she wants? Is she going to replace the damaged items?

I have 3 Autistic children and I'm a single parent.

We just didn't (still don't) go to other people's houses.
My children were very destructive at around 7.

Organise to meet at her house, park or soft play.

Or meet when the children are at school.

It's not fair on your dc and they are your priority, not your friend or her dc.

I don’t think it’s a very good idea to lock doors etc or confine guests to one “rumpus room”. Firstly OP may not live in a house with multiple downstairs rooms, and secondly ime guests get quite shirty if they feel they or their dcs are being managed.

We imagine that treasured possessions are granny-style ornaments teetering precariously, but I had a friend whose younger ds had SEN and before I could stop him he was trying to pull the tv off the wall. He then pulled at a heavy wall-mounted mirror. I shouted Stop! because he could have been really badly injured. Friend looked quite cross.

I said in last paragraph that I had a friend because I didn’t know how to handle things and let things drift. I wish I could have talked about the situation but I could tell that it would not have been received well.

I’d tell her that owing to the destruction of so much in your home, form now on you’ll meet outside at a park/whatever (don’t take any toys) or meet her when it’s just the two of you.

Explain that her child has irreparably damaged some things that were previous so from now on it’s better for everyone to meet somewhere else or at hers.

We don’t take our SENd son to anyone’s house, or allow him to destroy other people’s property.

If we are somewhere (play centre etc) and he takes anything from another child, it is quickly removed from him. If that continues, or he escalates, we leave.

I wouldn’t be bringing him to your house, and if for any reason I did, as soon as any destructive behaviour started - we’d be going home.

We don’t remove him to ostracise him, we remove him because that’s the only way to teach him that damaging other people’s property (including ours!) isn’t acceptable.

I think you need to have a chat with your friend, explain how much it’s upsetting your children, and make a new plan to see each other.

Your children come first! Stop putting their needs last.

In your friend's position (and I have been there) I don't think it's fair on anybody for her dc to visit others at home. Her dc is obviously distressed/overstimulated and is hard to manage, your dcs are upset, you are upset and your friend is upset. I wouldn't have taken dd2 to anyone's house, as I couldn't keep her safe and the expectation would be that I could manage her behaviour - v challenging in an unknown environment where I would have to watch her like a hawk. The exact opposite of it being a break, it would be very hard work!

I agree with others that a neutral meeting place would be better. My dd would be better in a park or playground, much calmer and more space etc.

Edited for errors.

Keep children downstairs in lounge
Don't let them in bedrooms
Provide toys they can't break like Lego
Or better still go to soft play together

@UninterestedBeing12 has nailed it, @KimbleThimble.

I think it’s lovely that you want to support your friend, raising a child with complex SEN can be very isolating.

If you want to keep having them over though you do need to take steps so that she doesn’t have access to things she can break or she needs to be closely supervised. You could install stair-gates or locks on the doors for example so that she cannot access your children’s bedrooms or other areas of the house which have breakable toys in. You could go to charity shops and pick up some cheap second hand toys that will stand up to being chewed and have them in an accessible toy box for when she stays so she is less interested in seeking out your children’s toys. I don’t know your friends financial situation but you might also have a conversation with your friend and explain that it’s becoming difficult to host them because she’s breaking your DC’s toys and you can’t afford to replace them, ideally in a situation where her child has broken toys at your house she should be giving you the money to replace them. You might also have to accept that the child does need closely supervising when in the house and that you won’t be able to leave her to play whilst you catch up; could you factor in trips to the park or garden or somewhere else during the day so that you can catch up then and so that she can be closely supervised in the house?

Why are you allowing another child to destroy your children's belongings? So you feel like a good person? Your job is to parent YOUR OWN children. That includes protecting them.

It literally does not matter - not at all, not one single iota - what the reason for the destruction of their safety and belongings is. The only thing that matters is that YOU are their mother and should be protecting them from this.

And there is nothing even remotely unkind or bigoted about anything I just said.

That pool scenario is disgusting and you say shes done this 3 times!!! What on earth is she thinking

Stop inviting them to your house

Clearly it can't continue. Its not the child's fault, but it isn't yours either. Her need for a break doesn't trump yours and your children's rights.
Sounds like your friend needs proper respite to be able to maintain her friendships, but cannot be expected to just take her child to friends houses and not supervise them.

The children probably feel quite resentful. Children have to tolerate whoever their parents bring into the house.Because they have no autonomy.

I have to say I hated it when my mother invited friends over and their children who I didn't like.

I hated having to pretend to like these people and be nice to them. When they'd gone, my mum would just say, oh well... In an annoyed way. She was annoyed that I was annoyed rather than at her.Guests who haven't been very nice to me.

Their only children toys, books is pretty much their world, and they rely on everybody to buy things for them.They have no money of their own. If you don't safeguard their stuff, no one else will.

At least have a no upstairs rule and put everything of value in your bedroom and your childrens and leave the doors shut.

Thanks everyone. You have really me to see the bigger picture here. I already knew I couldn’t be a supportive friend at the expense of my own children, but wasn’t sure how to handle the situation for the best. There are lots of helpful replies here, which i have taken on board.

To those saying “don’t allow her upstairs”, this would be so hard to enforce. Would my own children be allowed upstairs? If friend’s DD went upstairs, would I just tell friend that her daughter isn’t allowed? We also live in a small house with a small kitchen/living room. And knowing my friend, she would feel hurt by all of this. I think I just need to avoid any scenario which involves her coming here, or at least bringing her DD. And if my friend picks up on this, I will have to be honest and saying it’s causing my children too much distress. I know this won’t go down well, based on what she has said about her other friends, but i can’t see an alternative solution.

Except, they have not come first, on several occasions. You have allowed a woman and her child to make them feel unsafe in their own home and destroy their belongings. The first time the child made them feel unsafe and unhappy in their own home should have been the absolutely last time.

"Brilliant" friends don't try to guilt you into allowing their child to roam around your home breaking your children's possessions, and they definitely replace anything their child breaks.

And again, it simply does not matter - not at all, not one single bit - what the reasons are. All that matters is that your children have been hurt because you wanted to consider yourself nice and progressive more than you wanted them to feel safe.

Really your df should replace the broken objects imo

maybe meet her away from your home.

I wouldn’t allow the dd upstairs either

“All that matters is that your children have been hurt because you wanted to consider yourself nice and progressive more than you wanted them to feel safe.”

It’s nothing to do with considering myself nice and progressive. It’s to do with trying to support a friend who is facing unimaginable difficulties in parenting her child and is facing isolation from all of her old social groups. We have tried to adapt and adjust things in our house to protect my children’s belongings and that hasn’t worked. We explored all options before giving up on the idea of having them to visit. My children were on board with this as they love my friend. She’s like an auntie to them both. She will often message and say “I’m planning to come and visit in the next few weeks, what dates work?”. She has always been the instigator like this and we wanted to try to make our home somewhere that her and her daughter could feel at home. Sadly, it hasn’t worked out - but don’t think for one minute that this has anything to do with me feeling nice and progressive. It’s to do with loving your close friends and wanting to be there for them through hard times.

I think enforcing it would be easier and less hurtful than not having her in the house at all. She is a close friend so surely you can have an honest conversaion with her? Say that you understand how difficult things are for her, that you understand her hurt regarding other friends cutting her out and that you really don't want to do the same because you love her and her daughter, want t spend time with them and don't want her to feel alone. BUT that, in order for that to happen, you can't carry on as you are. You have to have boundaries like the children's bedrooms and belongings being no go zones. Surely any reasonable friend will accept that and be grateful that you have found a workable solution? If not - well then, I'd say you've done all you can reasonably be expected to do and, if she won't follow that, then she's excluding herself. You're not doing it to her.

Not the point of the thread but you can buy reusable special needs swimming pull ups on amazon I can't remember the name but if you Google them you should be able yo find them easily.

Not to derail, but if you know any that fit kids 10+ please let me know.

We’re using the Splashabout ones currently and they are not safe enough - the paddling pool incidents this summer have not been the one!