To be struggling with friends SEN child??

[KimbleThimble]

I feel bad to write this but I also don’t want to discuss this IRL.

My friend popped over to my house today with her autistic child, and I feel like I have only just managed to sort all the destruction. I really want to spend time with my friend, and I adore her child, but she is so destructive and some of it is not repairable. For example, today she tore apart a book that my DC were gifted by a grandparent, she ripped flowers up in the garden, she broke my child’s favourite toy, that was expensive and I can’t afford to replace. We try so hard to hide away the precious things before a visit, but I can’t literally box their entire rooms up.

My friend is really down because she has had other friends make comments about similar scenarios, but believes that these things are material. She does do her best, but her daughter is 7 and very physically able. My eldest is absolutely distraught about the book and the toy. There are also jigsaw pieces that have been chewed up. The trouble is, if friend just follows her around our house, she doesn’t get any break, and even with eyes on, the destruction takes seconds.

My children are upset every time they come to visit, with fear about what will happen to their belongings.

I don’t know how to manage this situation. AIBU to be feeling this way? Especially when my friend is a single parent and this is her daily reality?

My sons out of nappies now so i don't unfortunately, but there must be something for incontinent adults ?

You sound like a great friend.

It is very difficult for her, having to constantly monitor and apologise for your child’s behaviours is draining and probably embarrassing for some.

It’s also difficult to accept that they’re as impactful on others as they are. You want your child to have play dates like everyone else’s, and it’s crap when they’re not able to manage it.

It sounds like a really difficult conversation to have, but hopefully she’ll be able to see your position and you’ll both find ways to make it work.

Tbf I think there are, they’re just very expensive and the incontinence team don’t cover them. I’ll have to bite the pooey bullet before our next holiday 😂

Haven't you always had boundaries round where visiting children are allowed though? We have always kept our bedroom out of bounds and we didn't allow visiting children upstairs until we were happy for them to play unsupervised. Still your point is that you and your friend are, between you, unable to keep eyes on her in your own house. If you can't do that, there is not much point us suggesting that you do.

You say she always reaches out to you and offers to drop in. Would it be possible for you to go to hers instead? It might be more inconvenient for you to travel, but it might be worth it so the meeting is on her little girl's territory so easier for everyone. Any solution is going to involve some compromise, and this might be better and less hurtful to your friend than other options. Next time she messages could you suggest you make the trip to hers instead?

No they don't my son was in nappies untill around nine ,we got 3 nappies a day, on the NHS,
You have got me thinking though ,there is a hydro pool at my sons special school ,they must use something reliable for those children that are incontinent it's a secondary school .

Yeah we get 3 a day now. Nowhere near enough, we end up self funding before the next delivery. He’s 8, but in 11-12 clothes so they’ve put him in small adult ones now.

Ours is 2-19, we asked and they said they “wing it” with the ones we’re currently using and just accept that sometimes they’ll have to clean up.

They don’t double up, or use anything special, just hope for the best.

Pleasant. I’ll add it to the list of things I’d like the LA to contribute more to!

Interesting maybe we should invent something reliable, we would make a killing🤣🤣

She's a bit of a ninny if she can't grasp that people don't want their houses and gardens torn apart.

At the end of the day your friend needs to realise that her child causes problems.

And unless she's willing to address it, then yes, people will distance themselves from her.

The friend says that people are unsupportive of kids with SEN... Surely it's more likely that people simply don't want their houses destroyed?

So actually the mother is being unsupportive of respect for people's property?

But she's willing to let her kid run riot and cause damage...because, oh, you know, her kid is SEN

🤷

Indeed. If she believes being supportive means her friends should happily allow her daughter to wander around their homes and destroy their belongings, then it’s no wonder she’s finding herself with a lack of support.

She isn’t being a good friend, and nor is she displaying empathy and understanding towards those who very reasonably don’t want their houses trashed. That her life is hard doesn’t give her the right to impose this chaos on others.

@x2boys and @SleeplessInWherever have you come across this company?

Toddler Float Suit | Confidence-Building Swimwear | Splash About UK https://www.splashabout.com/collections/learn-to-swim-floatsuit?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=1072330457&gclid=Cj0KCQjwndHEBhDVARIsAGh0g3AhgAJYNRVSjWyQbSzfEhLVvh9hSxLbPFbnhDChBLpwdDsx3Tl2CnUaApCEEALw_wcB

They do continence swim wear for all ages.

Sorry don't know why that links the float suit! But the website will take you on the drop down menu to the stuff am on about!

I have - thank you though 😊.

We’re currently using Splash About and at the risk of getting graphic, it comes out the top - they’re not entirely watertight.

I’m sure they are on smaller/other children, but the gigantic child in my house can get his toilet activities out of them unfortunately 😂.

We did used to “double bag” and put a standard nappy underneath but he’s in such large ones of those now too that he ends up with a big bumblebee type bum, and they start falling apart.

I’m thinking Swim Mates adult nappies underneath them for next time - but they’re £70 a pack so I had been trying to hold off!

I feel bad, youre getting some really nasty comments here.

Kind of understand how you feel... someone very close to me has a child with SEN issues, also excluded and feeling isolated. It hurts her, but sometimes you have to be honest. Perhaps suggest to go to her, or meet in park. If it continues, then have the tricky talk

I’m not surprised she’s feeling isolated, does she really think people are happy to have their houses and gardens trashed???

It’s not about the OP “not protecting them”, it’s about the OP trying to be a good friend as she has said herself which is very admirable.

Not to the point of prioritising someone else's child over her own, it’s not.

Meet at the park next time x

There is. There’s an NHS incontinence service for each NHS trust area and your GP can refer you. you usually have to undergo a face to face assessment to determine what’s appropriate and the amount of supplies needed, but be warned, there are strict guidelines on the supply of products. As an example, my 94 year old mum has dementia and is bladder incontinent at night. They prescribed small stick on pads to be worn inside panties, which she took off at the first opportunity. It took us months of back and forth between the service and our GP before they would accept that she needed adult pull ups to prevent nightly bed wetting.

PICA is an eating disorder. It can be associated with SEN but doesn’t jus mean the child puts the item in their mouth - PICA means they actually try to eat it.

Don’t have her over to your house then 😂 Meet at the park or go for a day out together. Or ask to go to her house!

Being a good friend at the expense of her children in their own home is not admirable.

You think ? How about that OP values her friendship, recognises that her life is very difficult and wants to support her ? There are a few options for compromise here which will protect her children and their belongings without affecting the friendship, or sending the message to her own children that the only way to deal with disability is to cut it out of your life.

Her children come before the friendship. She would be sending the message that they’re allowed to have the very reasonable boundary of not allowing their home and belongings to be trashed in the name of being ‘nice’.

Continuing to inflict this on them is one way to ensure resentment, not just towards this child but also their mother for failing to prioritize them.