To be struggling with friends SEN child??

[KimbleThimble]

I feel bad to write this but I also don’t want to discuss this IRL.

My friend popped over to my house today with her autistic child, and I feel like I have only just managed to sort all the destruction. I really want to spend time with my friend, and I adore her child, but she is so destructive and some of it is not repairable. For example, today she tore apart a book that my DC were gifted by a grandparent, she ripped flowers up in the garden, she broke my child’s favourite toy, that was expensive and I can’t afford to replace. We try so hard to hide away the precious things before a visit, but I can’t literally box their entire rooms up.

My friend is really down because she has had other friends make comments about similar scenarios, but believes that these things are material. She does do her best, but her daughter is 7 and very physically able. My eldest is absolutely distraught about the book and the toy. There are also jigsaw pieces that have been chewed up. The trouble is, if friend just follows her around our house, she doesn’t get any break, and even with eyes on, the destruction takes seconds.

My children are upset every time they come to visit, with fear about what will happen to their belongings.

I don’t know how to manage this situation. AIBU to be feeling this way? Especially when my friend is a single parent and this is her daily reality?

Well you sound like you’re a lovely friend but I agree with the others that you can’t allow this to continue. It isn’t fair on your children.
Out of interest, how did you react to the book being ripped and the toy being broken and how did your friend react to the situation too?

💯 percent this 👆

I would have a half way house solution here as both your friend, her child and your children are in a vulnerable position and all need care and protection. Your children are in their home and safe space and deserve to have it and their belongings protected. But I can't even imagine how difficult your friend's life is. Her child is going to take up 100% of her time, attention and energy - possibly forever - and she must be feeling so isolated, friendless and hopeless. You say she's a close, valued friend who has been there for her so I could not add to the desertion and stop seeing her. As you live far from each other, houses and possibly even overnight stays are perhaps essential to maintaining the friendship?

I'm assuming that, due to distance, her visits to you aren't regular? If that's the case, I would prepare your children carefully. They have a good relationship with your friend and understand that her daughter is disabled. So you could 'prep' the house almost like a game - 'mission [child's name] proofing'.

• Away go all their toys and books into cupboards, preferably in their rooms.
• Their rooms are out of bounds and possibly even locked if possible.
• Preferably stair gate to stop her going upstairs at all (appreciate this will only work for another couple of years until she's tall enough to climb over).
• Get a load of free or very cheap toys from facebook/charity shops/freecycle that live in a shed/attic and do not belong to your children. They are 'spare' toys that nobody cares about. Those come out downstairs when your friend comes over and she can believe they are your child's things but you can be relaxed about them. It doesn't matter if they get broken (though get tough, unbreakable things if poss then you don't need to source new 'fake' toys next time!)
• As they grow out of their own toys and don't want them anymore you could add them to the collection of 'safe' toys.
• Those toys are there to entertain her child while she spends time with you and your friend can watch her child in the same room as you. There is no obligation on your children to stay and play for long with her child unless they want to as they can't really have a relationship with her and can't be forced to just because her mum is your friend. They are free to go upstairs and play in their rooms while she is here. Though it would be nice if they felt they could try and play with her at least for some of a visit, they know it's their choice and they have a get out.
• Also put away things that are important to you - ornaments, books etc.

Mum of a SEN child here. Yes I’m a bit oblivious now to destruction and mess at home but I’m very conscious of it at others homes.

Can you have one room that’s made clear of anything valuable for the child to play in? Outside that room an adult has to be with her. It’s a pain I know but better than having your things broken.

Is this chat GPT?

I would use it as an opportunity to show my children that they aren't less important than the child of a friend and that their feelings matter, rather than turning them into martyrs who have to watch their things being repeatedly wrecked by someone else's child.

It definitely is.

No? Why, is it that badly written?! 😂

(I actually have no idea how to find or use a Chat GTP app and I don't use mn on my phone so couldn't do it anyway).

I don't think a lot of posters are getting that the child sounds profoundly disabled and all the 'my child is autistic and I wouldn't tolerate that' and 'her behaviour is awful and she can be taught not to' aren't relevant. This seems like a child who is not willfully doing anything 'wrong' and a mum who is trying her best (OP says that she follows her child around but destruction happens in seconds). I do agree that it is wrong to dismiss things as 'just material' but I wouldn't end a friendship with a valued friend who needs a friend so badly over it.

Your friend is being very unfair to her daughter by taking her to other people’s homes especially as they places where she struggles to regulate herself. If not visit other people’s homes if I were here tbh.
People would have to come to visit at mine, or meet at the park, app, etc etc

I wouldn’t have them in the house.

Sorry, it was the formatting. otherwise your post was good😅

Rather than being upset, your friend needs to find solutions to help her dd.

Where does she go to school? Does she have an EHCP? Children with unmet needs do tend to be either destructive or disruptive. And are probably very bored hence the behaviour!

In this world, if you have a child with SEN, it’s completely on you to fight for their needs to be met. Nobody will knock on your door to offer help - it’s not fair but it’s the way it is. I’ve had to adjust everything for my children because they don’t fit into an NT world. It costs a lot of money, time and planning.

Parents who bury their heads in the sand about this stuff frustrate me to the core.

It's not but you're the second person to ask me that so I'm now curious. That post took me ages. Could an AI app really do the same thing? How long would it take? Does AI text need spellchecking etc or is it always correct? Can it actually advise and sound human? (although it sounds like I failed to do that anyway so maybe that doesn't matter!)

It's not something I've ever downloaded because AI terrifies me and I feel like it should be banned before it ends the world but now I feel I should explore it.

(Sorry for the de-rail, fee free to ignore if inappopriate).

Ah, ok. I'm a bit of a to do list/bullet point obsessive when it comes to life action plans! Sorry!

How would you manage the issues though, because even if she can't help it, it doesn't mitigate the hurt to OP's own children. As someone above said, they don't have to be martyrs.

If she's distraught about people making comments she needs to stop her child breaking other peoples stuff. I appreciate it's not easy for her but she's brought this on herself. Most parents of autistic children would not be putting you in this situation in the first place. If she needs to follow her dd around she needs too.

Oh no, I know and I definitely agree. I don't think the children should be impacted beyond being expected to show empathy and encouraged to give up a little bit of their time and attention. I'd manage the issues by putting all their stuff away and getting cheap, neutral stuff out. And not insisting that they stay around and play with the friend's child. They can go and use their own things elsewhere. It's the people saying things like this that I don't think are understanding just how difficult the OP's friend's life is:

being on the spectrum is not an excuse or reason to allow a child to behave how they want, they still need boundaries and rules. You friend sounds like she very much o but she’s Autistic so I am not going to do anything about it. By 7 she should know right from wrong

It’s harsh but I agree that you need to stop her visits to your house: it’s not fair on your children. She seems to be ignoring the impact it is having on them, and on you by extension. I know an SEN child who behaved similarly and she did it at home so often that her mother was desensitised to it - in the scheme of all the things the mother was putting up with, a broken mug or iPad was not a big deal. Your children shouldn’t have to live with the worry of losing treasured possessions, though.

She shouldn’t, but OP said her child is distraught and if that’s the only way of replacing the toy then what else can she do? It’s not her child’s fault that OP invited a destructive child into what should be OP’s child’s safe space.

This. DS has a friend with SEN and we run playdates as if they are with much younger children. No one goes upstairs, children stay in living room with parents and we engage in their games more than people normally do at this age. It's one of those "welcome to Holland" things - sure it is not as relaxing as being able to wave them off for an hour, but there is also value and a sort of break in visiting your adult friend who makes an effort to engage with your child and play a game with her when most others don't. Check that your daughter at least tolerates the set up, make sure all precious things are stowed in her room and the girls don't go in.

In practice meeting at a park or trampoline place might be easier, but it is not the only option.

Also I would just add that this could well be temporary. This little girl will grow up. You can relax the rules as she gets bigger.

Yes go to her or meet somewhere in the middle. If your good friends maybe gently explain. I had a friend whose child was brought up without many rules and would trash my house every time. Dh always knew when they had been as apparently it looked like we had been burgled! I met outdoors it was much easier.

If it’s upsetting your children, then stop her coming and put your children first, unless you’re prepared to replace everything that they break every time!

In terms of her paying for damage - I receive around £400pm DLA for my dd who has autism. I consider that money to be partly for the additional costs associated with her behaviour eg. She chews clothes I have to replace often and soils underwear a lot.
Assuming your friend is claiming DLA I would absolutely think it's appropriate for her to cover the cost of damage. She is receiving that money because her daughter's behaviour has cost implications

With all the new devices that are invented now, isn't there one that is a temporary internal door lock device? One that is placed at the top of the door and secures the door?? Haven't looked, but only a suggestion. 🤗

I agree with this. Your friend has been there for you, and you want to support her as she has supported you in the past. It would be a shame to fade her out as other posters are suggesting. Meeting her in neutral places like a park sounds like a good idea in theory but in reality the weather may be crap and her child may get overwhelmed in noisy environments. Meeting in the home is generally easier, cheaper, and more comfortable. Rather than fading her out or banning her from your home I would think it’s better to talk properly with her and come up with solutions together. She needs to understand that breaking your children’s toys can’t go on, as it’s too upsetting for them. Perhaps limiting her visits would help. You can still see each other but she knows she has to supervise her child closely to prevent them breaking things, and leave before things get out of hand.