It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

[OtterlyMad]

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

For me, if my spouse wants to see his mum at Christmas - he’s going to see his mum at Christmas

Same. Although my dh's Mum and Dad live 25mins away, not 6hours, so it is a completely different thing

The ‘case closed’ approach of ‘No, you are only every other year even if you want to try a different way’ is not how a loving long lasting marriage operates. Life isn’t static, there is room to change arrangements

Absolutely. We've been married over 30 years and have never had a rotation of alternate years going to each others' parents. We've done all sorts of different things over the decades including visiting, including hosting, including not being with either set of parents. We've also done '2 Christmases' some years, spending the day with one side of the family on Christmas day and the other on perhaps 27th or 28th. We now have adult dc as well, and have the balance of them also balancing with their in-laws. Plus throw in two people whose job involves them working shifts over Christmas.
Believe me, we are super flexible and super fair with our arrangements which have evolved over the decades and no doubt will continue to evolve as the years move on.

What we've never done is try and impose either of our sets of parents on people who don't have a relationship with them.
Nor have we accused the other one of being selfish, or disliking our families because it is one of the years we are spending it with the other half's family.

To be honest OP based on all you’ve said, I doubt your mil will be interested/ keen anyway!! I’d be tempted to invite her to keep the peace , she’ll say no and you’ll still be the good guy

Dear my…
just no. If you split the years then it is good enough…if you say yes…she will end up every year at yours and your mum will have to cater for your in laws…

Very cheecky of him to not take your no for an answer!

I think if you had your husband on board you could spin it with your mother in law and sister in law that your mum's hosting and it's getting to be a bit too much for her but still makes sense to have it at her house. So if they're really stuck of course they're welcome but otherwise adding extra people this year would be best avoided.

I wonder why your husband thinks they'd want to come. I'd agree with your assessment that they probably wouldn't want to be with 12 people they mostly don't know.

I’m with you OP. Alternate years it’s been so why change now?
Theyre not on their own, they have each other to spend the day with.

Near strangers? Ouch!

Why “ouch”? They’ve met like three or four times in our 10 year relationship, even “acquaintance” would be a stretch

But they're your family. How can your parents think someone you are now related to is a near stranger?

I'm an only child and my DH has one brother. I'm very glad that from early on his family became mine and vice versa. So our respective parents got to know each other too. They weren't near strangers even though they lived hundreds of miles apart. They shared grandchildren for a start.

You’re coming across as a very spikey person. At first I thought you were overthinking the situation but the more I read it just feels like this isn’t about your mum or his and it’s actually about what you want.

That’s nice for your families but I think you’re the exception rather than the rule. Perhaps our mums will grow closer once they share grandkids, but they’re such different people that I really doubt it.

My parents and in-laws met at the wedding and christenings and that was it. They had nothing in common. Not everybody has family like the Brady Bunch.

@shampooing3 of us on one side and 2 on the other. Families happy to welcome each other into each of their homes. Both my husband and dad have experienced Christmas alone (both have come to live in the uk from abroad) so maybe this is a factor.

@OtterlyMad I agree that it’s not particularly common. My in-laws have three married children and aren’t close to any of their parents. Not because they’re not friendly people, but they have little in common with them. My eldest SI, for example, tried hard to cultivate a proper friendship between her parents and in-laws, but it just didn’t work. All nice people, but one set have a military background and the others are former hippies. So although they respect each other, they have little common ground. 😂 She gave up after a few years.

My parents and ex in-laws met twice - once about a month before the wedding (I insisted, really don't know why now looking back) and at the wedding. My father left my mother after my wedding, I got divorced 2 and a half years later...neither of my parents ever saw my in-laws again.

Even if all the above had not happened, I doubt they would have had any relationship anyway. Nothing in common, I was not going to be having children, so no grandchildren to bond over. I had relatives of my ex husband at the wedding that I had never met before, and never saw again.

I think some posters on here watch too many hollywood films/programmes where in-laws are all massively in each others lives.

Anyway. To repeat for the millionth fucking time THE INVITATION IS NOT THE OPS TO GIVE, SHE IS NOT THE HOST AND IT IS NOT HER HOUSE.

Did you miss my first sentence?

But they're your family. How can your parents think someone you are now related to is a near stranger?

It doesn't sound like you like your in laws.

I'm also not sure I'm an exception, given how many people have disagreed with you.

In fairness I came to Mumsnet after arguing with my DH, then had to repeat myself multiple times to people who couldn’t be bothered to read the post or replies properly but felt confident enough in their assessment of the situation to insult me (moron, lazy, cruel, etc.). So yeah not surprised I am coming across as spikey!

I’d say it’s 70% about not wanting to overburden/inconvenience my mum and make my family feel awkward, and 30% about me wanting to be able to fully relax at Christmas and no have to be on my best behaviour in front of my MIL.

My parents and in-laws met at our wedding and haven’t seen each other since. DH and I have been married for almost 13 years.

They’re MY family now and I do like my in-laws, but that doesn’t mean my mum/aunt/uncle/niece/brother/cousin etc. do?

The current judgement is 60-40 so pretty even, but fair to say more people don’t want to mix different sides of families at Christmas than do.

Fair enough, just calling it as I read it.

Can you not be yourself around your mother in law? When I say not be yourself I mean your Christmas jolly drunk self? Personally, I would ask your mum if it would be ok to extend the invite and try to get her to let go a little and let everyone chip in. If the mother in law declines, at least you tried. It might work out brilliantly all round. Sometimes people with small families long for a proper family knees-up and will get stuck in.

It’d be a nice thing to do.

If the deal you made with your DH is to alternate Christmas between the families then that’s what he should stick to. It’s not fair on you or your family to not have your own family Christmas just because your DH wants to invite his mum and sister. Like other posts have said it’s not your DHs invitation to give. I’m from a small family and that’s just how it works out sometimes - but I would much rather spend Christmas with just my DH than be invited to an in laws separate family celebrations. I would worry that no one will be able to fully relax - and that’s not fair on your mum.

Some of these comments are ridiculous.

The only person being selfish here is OP’s DH.

His mother and sister live 6+ hours away from them!!! Some of you may be happy to travel that but there are many people that aren’t and unless I missed it, nowhere does it say they even want to come all the way to him in the first place and doesn’t seem like they often do to begin with. (Please correct me if I’m wrong OP)

He expects them to travel all that way to him so his MIL can host them for Christmas. I highly doubt he doesn’t know what his MIL is like.

There’s a lot of posters ignoring the amount of LABOUR all the women around him have to do to accommodate his wishes when he can easily travel his arse the 6+ hours to see his mum and sister for Christmas if it means that much to him, but obviously doesn’t want to.

Perhaps he would also like to spend Christmas with his wife?

Tbf you've asked on MN where most people have quite poor social skills, are awkward, anxious and introverted and hate people 🤣 I think RL the response would be a bit different. This is the place where people don't answer their doors, have gone NC with families, LTB in an instant, can't bear going into the office or talking with their colleagues, hate weddings, don't have many if any friends etc etc

And maybe his mother and sister would not like to travel six hours for him to do so?

Why is what he wants ok when there are no thoughts or consideration to what it means to make that happen?

They agreed alternate years and he had his year last year with OP and his family.

He wants to change it now with no consideration to how it affects his MIL who is doing all the hosting and isn’t the type to accept help and as OP said, there isn’t a lot of room there to begin with.

You’re not being selfish at all OP! It changes the dynamic for everyone. I don’t think my family would want to spend Xmas with my in-laws. In fact my parents did one holiday with them and immediately after told me never again!