It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

[OtterlyMad]

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

I am not one of those people.

But I am also not a person who invites people to an event that someone else is hosting, and where 10 of the 12 people who have been invited by the host, don't know them.

I’ve thought some more about this, substituting your family for mine. Doesn’t work the same as DH’s parents and mine live thousands of miles apart, all four still alive and together. But they too have only met twice, ever. And no I absolutely wouldn’t want to mix them out of worry that one set would feel lonely: my dad would be a nightmare guest and a nightmare host because he’s old and particular and difficult and my mum has her hands full dealing with him. It would be truly hellish. Easier for everyone for them to be home and alone. Which has indeed been the case many years.

Ultimately this is about your DH wanting to have his wife and mother and sister together every Christmas. That’s not realistic or fair. Or, indeed, customary. Customarily married couple alternate and/or host. This year should be very easy as there are no grandchildren to worry about: you go to your parents and he goes to his mum and sister. It’s really not a big deal. He’s the one with the issue, it’s easy to solve by him giving up something he wants (you). It’s actually a bit off that he expects other people to give up things they want (the easy family time he’s seeking, decreased worry, no strangers in their midst) so he can have everything he wants. It wouldn’t “mean” anything if you spend the day apart. You’re married, not conjoined twins. It’s actually a thoughtful thing for him to do, give up his wife for a day for his mum and sister. It’s really about your mindset. (My DH wouldn’t do this because he prioritizes his wife, mum, sister differently. But then my DH would never ask my to ask my parents to host his mum and sister. He appreciated when he got married that things would change and that his family of origin was morphing by the inclusion of me (and then subsequent siblings in law).)

Honestly this seems like the best solution to me. Marriage doesn’t mean you drop everyone else in your life and become soldered together as a single unit. You’re just married, that’s all. He’s being thoughtful to his mum and sister by not abandoning them (or so he thinks), you’re being thoughtful to your mum and family by not increasing the workload and bringing strangers to their table that they haven’t consented to and wouldn’t necessarily appreciate.

Well tough, when they live 6+ hours apart and she’s invited elsewhere 🤷‍♀️

Don't cave OP - and mind your CF husband doesn't just ask your mum anyway and cut you out of the equation, before presenting you with a fait accompli!

And people wonder why divorce rates are so high 🤣

Well whatever rocks your boat. But I can't imagine wanting to join someone's big jolly family affair when I could have a quiet Christmas on my own.

@OtterlyMad out of curiosity have you never had or never wanted to have a Christmas with just your DH?

Pre-DC we had some amazing holidays at Christmas or some Christmases with friends (including the occasional waif/stray because we were hosting and could invite people if we wanted, would never invite my in laws to my parents and don’t know my siblings in laws and would hate it).

Spending Christmas alone (which nobody in this scenario is) isn’t some awful tragic thing, although I’d happily skip the country for the whole season. Why does being alone on December 25th have to be sad? I haven’t a single Christmas Day with my in laws in the almost 20 years of being with DH, due to logistics and other factors. My own DF decided he’d spend Christmas Day alone last year as he couldn’t come to us and get back home in time for Boxing Day football (and the disruption of having our ASD child in his small flat wasn’t hugely appealing). It’s hardly a tragedy.

@OtterlyMad would they even accept the invitation to your mum's home? I've been invited to my daughter's partners family Christmas. I accepted and enjoyed the day. I knew I would never accept any future invitations. I'm happy with a quiet day tbh.
On the other hand, your husband must enjoy your family's Christmas, if he also wants his mum and sister there.

I’d normally agree with you, but in this instance if divorce did ensue it would be because the wife and her mum and her entire family didn’t do what one man (the DH) wants them to do. It would be entirely his fault. So, let divorce happen if it means women saying no to being guilted into doing things that aren’t in their interest and that they don’t want to do.

@OtterlyMad just to throw another spanner into the works, what do you think you'll do if you have children?

That at least gives you an opportunity to mix things up if you're not happy

She said in a previous post "Hopefully we’ll have upsized by then (or when the children are still little) so we’ll be able to host. I look forward to not having to go anywhere on Christmas Day and just sending out a single WhatsApp message saying “dinner is at 2pm, BYOB, everybody welcome, like it or lump it” 🤣"

Which seems very sensible.

But they're your family. How can your parents think someone you are now related to is a near stranger?

Because that’s reality for a lot of people. I know in soap operas distant relatives turn up out or the blue and have moved in a day later, but real life isn’t like that.

Besides, it isn’t just OP and her parents. It’s a huge family Christmas; there are several other people who need to feel comfortable too. Even if OP’s parents knew her in-laws well, what about OP’s siblings, their partners and so on? Do they want to mix with someone else’s in-laws? I got stuck with my sister’s FIL last year and it was honestly the most tedious Christmas I’ve ever spent. As for his daughter, I met her once at the wedding and probably wouldn’t even recognise her if she passed her in the street.

Thank you :)

Yeah I was just thinking it's very hard to take an invitation back if she doesn't want her in laws invited to her mother's every year, but if she's planning to change that's easier. Christmas causes such strife every year, it's a shame

Yes, it's a bit shit that he is trying to force her to give up her turn of the agreement and trying to make OP force her mother to invite people she is quite capable of inviting herself (had she wanted to) into her overcrowded home for no actual reason.

What a shame he thinks now that it's his wife's turn to get the benefit of the arrangement he agreed to he can just ignore that.

I can indeed see how divorce rates get to be high when one partner (in this case the husband) is so over entitled and pushy.

Its just such a big deal over a non issue. It's crazy how unwilling people are to go even slightly out of their comfort zone or put themselves out a bit for someone else unless they're getting something out of it. It's no wonder society is turning to custard 😕

Have the MIL and sister actually given any indication they would want this or feel lonely at Christmas? Seems like DH is making a lot of assumptions on their behalf. The idea of throwing this many ppl together sounds v stressful to me so I guess I am not really understanding most pps replies. You could just visit them after or before Christmas; I've never really understood this obsession with the exact date tbh, Christmas is a season to my mind.

But they're your family. How can your parents think someone you are now related to is a near stranger?

Because they very likely are. How can you not grasp that is really very normal for millions of families ?

My DB and DSiL have been married 38 years. I met her sister the night before the wedding, again on the day of the wedding, once more at their dd's Christening, and then once a couple of years ago when SiL's sister called in when we stayed with them for a couple of days. She's perfectly nice, as is her dh (who I met for the first time when they popped in a couple of years ago, but they aren't part of my family, and we don't live that close and, having met her 4 times and him once in 38 years I'd say we are near strangers.

I can go through all sorts of examples.
My parents weren't friends with any of their dcs' spouses' parents. All got along fine at the weddings, and first birthday parties / christenings, but all have their own families and own friends and don't need to particularly bond with other couples because their dc married each other.
Same with my dcs' partners' parents. One set I've never met. The other I've met in passing a few times (like we all helped when our dc moved into their first house. They seem really nice, but they have their own family and own circle of friends, just like us. We seem to get on well enough but I wou;dn't want to spend Christmas with them - just as it sounds unlikely the OP's MiL or SiL would want to intrude into the OP's extended family Christmas.

Where is the slightly?

So four women should possibly go out of their comfort zone for a man who had an agreement with his wife about the Christmas holiday and had Christmas with his family last year and now all of a sudden wants to change it and have her ask her mother to host his mother and sister in an already very crowded home and whom live 6+ hours away making it an over 12 hour round trip for them just so he can get the Christmas he wants when he can go to see his mother and sister for a few days and spend the rest of the holidays and new years with his wife?

Is he paying for his mother and sister to come stay with them if they do want to come? Is there enough room for them to stay with him and OP or would they need to pay for accommodations? Would they have to drive or fly? What if his mother wants to come but his sister doesn’t which means she is all by herself?

It's just such a drama over nothing. I can't imagine people being so stubborn and uncaring in real life. Relationships are all about compromise, and it is Christmas ffs. I couldn't be with someone who treated my family like this. Anywhoo, as I said earlier big drama over nothing, 2 extra people when you already have 12 is no big deal, you wouldn't even need to make extra food. If this was reversed and it was the DH acting like this, everyone would think he was an arse. I also can't believe how transactional people can be, even when it's family 😳

Are you talking about the DH here? Or are you talking about the wife + the MIL + his own mother + sister - FOUR WHOLE WOMEN - going “slightly” out of their comfort zones and putting themselves out “a bit”? Not to mention all the other guests OP’s mum hosts. All so that the DH’s sole feelings can be spared.

Do you see how warped your perspective is? Oh it’s nothing, just another couple of people, not a big deal. Yes it’s a big deal! Why must women ALWAYS efface themselves while men get to bulldoze with their wishes or else mete out aggression?

If you don’t see this I feel sorry for you. This is clearly contentious to husband and wife. They need a resolution that works for both. Not just for him with her (and three other women and 10 other guests) giving in so that he gets what he wants.

You are being SOOO disrespectful to OP. It’s not drama over nothing. It’s something - to her. She doesn’t want them there because she wouldn’t enjoy her Christmas. That’s not nothing. She doesn’t want to put the other 10 people off because of two randoms (to them). That’s not nothing. She doesn’t want an already stressed mum dealing with two newbies. That’s not nothing. Not everyone is easy come easy go. Not everyone is like you. They don’t have to be - your way isn’t better. It’s just different. You’re showing the OP as little respect as her own DH. Sheesh.

I have to presume you are talking about the OP's dh, in terms of 'people' being so uncaring ?

He doesn't care that his Mum and sister would have to travel 6 hours each way
He doesn't care they would likely be uncomfortable being foisted into another family's Christmas traditions and celebrations?
He doesn't care about the fact that would mean further people sitting on the floor / balancing on the arm of the sofa?
He doesn't care that his MiL has to host two people she doesn't really know, which is very different from having your family round ?
He doesn't care that all the extended family have two strangers foisted upon them ?

If you are talking about the OP's dh, then you are right. He doesn't seem to care about anyone but his own dream of wanting to be able to be with his Mum and sister and his wife every year, despite apparently thinking it was perfectly reasonable last year for his wife to travel out of her comfort zone and spend Christmas with his family rather than doing what she would prefer.

So it's all down to your Mum? Why would an extra 2 people mean she would "run herself ragged"?

@PinkyFlamingo Don't you think that if the OP invites her MIL and SIL then her siblings might assume that they can also invite their in-laws?

I honestly think that if her Mum wanted to invite more people she’d extend invitations herself. I don’t think that she wants to host more people than she already is.