It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

[OtterlyMad]

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

Oh my goodness. Yes, the OP can take or leave my opinions in an AIBU!!! Please stop trying to tear my opinion down by grasping at straws.

OP has said that her mum would mind and that she doesn't want 'near strangers' coming to Christmas dinner but that if OP's DH asked her, she would say yes out of politeness and because she doesn't want to upset her son-in-law.

OP's in-laws live six hours away so I assume that there has been very little opportunity for OP's and her DH's wider families to mix.

Honestly I don’t mind the mean people half as much as I mind the illiterate ones

You’re right I don’t think I’m wrong, but some people have offered up some interesting solutions (that don’t involve giving my mum extra work/stress) so it’s not been a complete waste!

If he wants to see his mum at Christmas even though he saw her last year and his wife didn't get to see her family to accommodate this, he's pretty selfish. He's exceptionally selfish to think his MIL should host his family who lives 6 hours away so presumably never spend time together at all.

He can go see his mum if he wants to, but that means being apart from the OP.

How can the woman who gave birth to DH be a stranger?!
She's a stranger to everyone except her son and her daughter in law. A stranger to the people actually hosting Christmas.

And if OP's house was big enough and she was hosting, she has said that she would be fine with her in-laws coming for Christmas.

However, it is unreasonable for OP's DH to invite his mum and sister to OP's mum's house (where they struggle to fit everyone in without adding two extra adults). OP's mums feelings are just as important as OP's DH's feelings and OP knows that her mum wouldn't be happy but would agree out of politeness. If OP's DH wants to see his mum at Christman, he should go to spend Christmas with them at his mum's house and OP can enjoy Christmas with her family.

Because if you’d read the post and even a few of the comments, you would not have uttered the words “it’s easily sorted”. It’s NOT easily sorted which is the whole point!

Your husband must realise this would be an added strain on your mother? What is he thinking?

So again as @OtterlyMad has put, why does she and her family have to accommodate his wants?
A loving, lasting marriage is only feasible if the demanding,wants to have their way and changes to suit them made?

To all those accusing the OP of being horribly unreasonable, it’s not her hosting Christmas - it’s her DM, who would say yes if asked, because she would find it difficult to say no, but doesn’t actually want the SIL and MIL. And what of the other people going for Christmas? How much will they want a couple of randomers (which is what they are to them) of very different temperament from the OP and her family? It’s simply not reasonable to expect the OP’s mother to accommodate two extra people for Christmas dinner when it’s a confined space, much less put them up!

@Hobbitfeet32 how many married siblings do you have?

It’s hard enough making arrangements with my own family without also liaising with my siblings’ in laws.

My parents have met the other parents in law at weddings and christenings. I’ve met my sister’s PIL twice (married over a decade, once at wedding, once at another celebration). Never met the others more than a handful of times.
I try to avoid mixing the families ever, they are very different people with nothing in common other than that we happen to be married.

But does it have to stay that way because that’s how it has always been? You don’t stay the exact same person from the day you marry until the day you die. If he wants to transition from every other year, to now doing joint Christmas, surely it’s ok to consider how he wants to live going forward? Saying it’s ‘the way it’s always been or you can go off without me’ sounds very unhealthy. Listening to her spouse so they can grow/change in the same direction (rather than apart) seems better. It all just has such a ‘his wants’ versus ‘hers’ and ‘his family’ or ‘her family’ dynamic. They are all one family whether they like it or not.

No, how is usually was was OP and DH spending Christmas apart, seeing their respective families, @WorcsEdu . She says that in her first post.

Now they're spending Christmas together and alternating, but having had "his turn" last year, her DH wants to renege on the agreement and drag his mother and sister along to OP's "turn" at a family Chat.

That's unreasonable and selfish. It's all about him.

I agree with all @PestoHoliday. Some of the responses on this thread are ridiculous. People are trying to portray OP’s MIL as something between an aged version of a Dickensian street urchin freezing in the snow, pressing her nose up against the OP’s window and watching them feast on the biggest turkey in the shop, and a modern day bird woman from Mary Poppins.

All that’s happening here is that OP’s MIL is spending Christmas with her own daughter. One of her children instead of both; as millions of parents do worldwide every year, precisely because it’s so common for people to do every other year with each set of parents. Why are so many posters acting like OP’s MIL will be frantically trying to keep the Meals on Wheels lady talking in a desperate attempt to have some company, when in fact she has her own child there all day?

If OP was insisting on Christmas with just her husband at the exclusion of MIL and SIL, then yes, I’d think she was being mean. If MIL and SIL were the only members of a close family being excluded, then yes, that would be mean. But neither of these things are the case. Do OP’s MIL and SIL even want to join this en masse gathering of relations by marriage? Some of whom they probably barely know? Posters keep talking about them being excluded from the big jolly family Christmas, but surely what makes it a big jolly family Christmas is the close connections; everyone coming together when they maybe don’t get to see each other that often? It could be lovely, but I can’t imagine wanting to join someone else’s family’s version.

Would you DH like it if you invited your family to his mums for Christmas? If not, why is it ok for him to do it, and you did spend last Christmas with his family.

One of my daughters is getting married this year. His parents live in another province (Canadian). I couldn’t pick them out of a line up for love or money. He’s also an only child.

If she called and asked me to host two strangers, I’d be very unhappy. I gladly flex visits around different schedules, but having two strangers land in on a holiday isn’t my thing. Especially since even SIL has said how extremely different we are to how he grew up. We’re loud, chaotic, stay in pjs at will, set up buffet style, watch movies (including Die Hard). His parents are formal table, dressed up, quiet. And his mom hates cats and is afraid of dogs. We have two cats and a dog.

They’d not enjoy themselves and I’m not changing the holidays for eight people, locking up three pets, to accommodate the expectations of two, in my home, on my dime and with my work.

We used to alternate until one year we decided to amalgamate, never again

I'm not trying to tear your opinion down. You were responding to OP as if she was another poster rather than the OP, which I was pointing out to you. Calm down.

TBF your Christmas sounds like my idea of hell. Too noisy, probably too hot, too uncomfortable and too over crowded.

Why doesn’t he spend it with his DM and sis this year and you have your full on family Christmas.

I prefer Christmas somewhere in between the two but probably erring on the quieter side like his folks but each to their own. My DS has a girlfriend and will spend this year with us but imagine he may choose to spend to spend Christmas with her family going forward as they are bigger and a closer family and I will be on my own with DD if she is around.

Don't do it!! Have Christmas with your family, and don't feel guilty about it. If your husband wants to throw a paddy over it, let him go back to him spending Christmas with them. How are they supposed to get to your Mums and back?? If you do it once, it will become the norm and there will be no going back.

Leaving people on their own is harsh- I grew up with my uncles brother spending Christmas with us as their parents were dead and he was single BUT these aren’t people on their own, the mum and sister are together!

Pre DC, we alternated over 8 years. DH’s side always had in laws (not a single person who would otherwise be alone) along and it did change the whole dynamic- especially with language barriers and very different approaches to stuff (tv being the devil whereas Christmas strictly and a box of chocolate is a highlight for me). It just didn’t really work.

OP it sounds like you intend to host in the near future anyway?

He spends Christmas with them every other year.

@OtterlyMad I’m sorry if I’ve missed it, but have you said how old MIL is? A lot of posters are trotting out the old “She might not be here for that many more years - THEN you’ll regret it” line. But given you’re talking about becoming parents in the next few years, I’m guessing she’s not actually that old? Sixties maybe? I think some posters are desperate to cast her in the role of frail abandoned old dear, when actually she could be around for another 25 years for all they know.

And if MIL isn’t that old, I’m guessing SIL isn’t exactly Mavis Riley either. Surely she has some life of her own outside of her mother and brother, and will want to spend some of the Christmas period doing her own thing rather than travelling six hours to be a spare part at her brother’s wife’s mother’s house with people she barely knows?

But this isnt the case - if the DH wants to invite his DM and DS to HIS home then fine but to expect his wife's DM and extended family to host them is ridiculous - and most likley misogynistic.

I have a small family and my husband has a big one. We alternate it. The years I’m with my husband‘s big busy family, my mum and dad and Uncle just have a meal themselves. My dad always says it’s the ‘quiet“ year where they can hear themselves think. It’s just one day, one meal and then you sit and watch a film and fall asleep. It doesn’t mean anything if you are surrounded with family, or having a quiet meal on your own. I went psychologist who said the pressure of Christmas is so intense it really does damage people. My parents have never pressured me even though we have a small family. I’m eternally grateful for them being understanding and kind. Otherwise we would be driving up and down the country exhausted every year.

Yep MIL in her mid sixties and still very independent. She only retired last year, has a number of hobbies that keep her busy, and even takes herself on holiday by herself twice a year (by choice!) I’m hoping that she will move back closer to us eventually but at the moment she’s happy where she is.

Yes it’s funny that people have said “she might not be around for much longer so make the most of it” as I have grandparents in their 90s who I don’t get to see each time we spend Christmas with DH’s family! Ultimately I don’t dwell on that (I think it’s important to make an effort all year round and not just over the festive period) nor do I use it to make my DH feel guilty when it’s his family’s turn at Christmas together…