Why do people assume that those who potty train late are ‘lazy’ parents?

[gobshite23]

I’m not talking about those who genuinely can’t be bothered and send their kids to school in nappies so the teachers can do it. That’s obviously wrong.

But both of my kids were over 3 when they were trained. Had a few attempts before that but with both kids its was clear they weren’t ready and got upset so I left it.

I posted here for advice and was told I was lazy and cruel for leaving it so late. For context my dd was three in May so not especially late imo. But she did get it within a couple of days and 2 weeks on we have had no accidents at all.

To me it actually makes more sense to wait until they are a bit older and understand what they need to do and why. It made it a lot easier for all of us.

After every single wee? Might as well have done elimination communication if you were that on it.

If a child is ready, then it’s usually pretty easy to get them out of nappies.

Same (for my eldest, youngest is 20mo and still in nappies). We started at 25mo he had 2 accidents on the floor and was basically dry after that. He spent a couple of days asking for a nappy to do a poo then he dropped that and we were done. Kids are all different but this idea that all kids who are potty trained at 2 must have endured some terrible stressful experience and been wetting themselves for weeks is just not true.

It's still just cultural though. There are aspects of British child rearing that are regarded as very odd overseas. None of it is 'natural'. It's all just cultural norms.

Exactly.

Dry at one. It was the right time. Took a couple of weeks. Don't remember carrying a potty everywhere either (why bother, a wee behind a tree is fine!).

To me, being ready meant understanding what she needed to do and being able to do it, largely. Not being confused about what she need to do, and lacking the ability to hold a wee or poo for a (very) short period of time. Which is what happened when we tried at 2.5. At 2 years and 9 months we were done in a day.

The benefit was it was stress-free for DD, using the potty didn't become a big stressful deal, she didn't get anxious or start refusing to use it. For me, it saved a lot of stress too.

I'm really glad we didn't spend weeks and weeks of stress and accidents. If she'd been ready at 2.5 I'd have gone with it. But I wasn't going to stubbornly keep on for no benefit. Better to just hold off and try again when she could grasp it more easily.

There are definitely things I look back on about parenting and wish I'd done differently in hindsight. This isn't one of them, though.

I just think there's no benefit in holding kids to some arbitrary timeline if they're not ready. But I don't care about others judging.

I think potty training too early is unnecessary and pointless, basically. You should do it when your child is ready for it. For mine it was pretty easy. They were on the toilet before 3 but that's because they were both ready and receptive.

Sure, of course, it's all cultural isn't it? It was just as cultural in the past, when it was done on an earlier timeline you approve of!!

The early bedtimes for kids in the UK are cultural too. Other countries think we're nuts. I run counter-cultural in the UK on that, as DD is a night owl who didn't get the memo about going to bed super early and getting up at the crack of dawn. She never quite needs as much sleep as the books recommend, sadly, much as I would love her to meet the cultural norms and go to bed earlier, so I can watch more grown up telly.

I can't believe that people bother getting judgey about this! Mine were both trained just before pre-school, so 2.5ish, with the help of chocolate buttons. I can't even remember when they became dry at night, I think when they told me they didnt need a nappy any more.

Was I lazy? Gross? Killing the planet? I don't care, I was basically surviving at that point in my life, and had to take lots of parenting shortcuts to keep going. I had to prioritise what was important for me and my kids and early potty training was far down the list.

Funny how it's a big no-no to judge women on how they gave birth or fed their babies, but apparently nappies are fair game given the number of pompous posts on this thread!

I did potty training with all three of mine at approx 2y3m.... because they had signs they were ready. Asking to be changed, dry at night etc.
Well actually with my twins it was the girl being ready but I tried training with both as it was confusing otherwise, I was so worried to "put pressure" on my boy but actually the boy grasped it quicker. I read it somewhere give it 3 days and if they don't take they aren't ready and then pack it up and wait a while
All mine were ready at that age and I never had to night train. I wouldn't say I trained them early to suit myself. I trained when they showed signs of being ready.
Parental laziness is if they are showing signs and they don't bother.

2.5 is early training now.

How do we know if they are ready if we don't try until they are going on 3 in the first place? I'm not sure that I agree with child led either, that's a reason why we are getting some children starting school in nappies who don't have special needs.

I potty trained DS at 18 months because it felt like a good time as I had some time off work and I thought he'd be much more agreeable than waiting until 2.5-3 and it worked like a charm.

This topic comes up at intervals on the AIBU/Parenting boards and personally there are three aspects of it which I find interesting (or at least, as interesting as anything relating to potty-training can be).

The first is that people have very polarised views on this and never the twain shall meet. Some people think that the vast majority of children should be capable of being trained around the 2 mark (and by extension, the vast majority of parents not doing so are lazy). Their advice to any parent struggling with potty training is to grimly keep going all all costs. Others advise parents "oh if they're not ready, give up and try again later". At the point at which the sofa is being scrubbed for the fourth time that day, all trips out are cancelled for the foreseeable future and two pairs of pooey pants have been binned that day, they say enough is enough, stop torturing yourself and stressing out your child, masochism is out of fashion.

I guess what it comes down to is that some people think potty training is a horrific ordeal that just has to be struggled through, while others think that when it becomes an ordeal, that's the point at which you shelve it and come back to it.

The second is that people don't talk enough about the opportunity cost of when potty-training becomes an ordeal. If you have a child who is constantly having accidents, then they're wasting a lot of time when they could be learning and playing being uncomfortable and being cleaned up, and you as a parent are wasting a lot of time when you could be enjoying and bonding with your child being (hopefully quietly) frustrated at the mess and the cleaning. And you may start to limit outings because of the stress of potential accidents, so you and your child miss out in that way. It's a cost-benefit analysis against the advantages of getting them trained at an early age.

Finally, there's the stress to the child. This is the only point on which I do actually have a strong view. It is never acceptable to communicate stress over toileting to your children. If you are the sort of parent who cannot view with calm and equanimity the prospect of your child having an accident on the bus or in the middle of a crowded zoo, but instead you're anxiously exhorting your 2yo "Please, please hold it sweetie, we'll find a loo in a minute, but YOU NEED TO HOLD IT" or you're losing your rag because they've had an accident in the car, then you need to rethink your approach to potty-training.

Meh, "potty training" is a wide concept.

Some will proudly have a very early potty trained child - with such regular "accidents' that it's clear he's not potty trained at all, and wasn't ready. Using the potty twice a day doesn't mean you're potty trained.

Some will do later and never have an "accident" ever, because the kid gets it, and was old enough.

No one actually cares how old was a child when he was potty trained, that never comes up from the time they start primary school 😂(as long as it's a reasonable age obviously)

it absolutely is pertinent and not a red herring.

Dyspraxia, ADHD, and Sensory Processing Disorder are all types of ND that result in proprioception issues in children and adults. That includes being able to read the bodies signals around having a full bladder and needing to pee/poo.

If a child is developmentally incapable of producing and recognising the correct signals to inform the brain that they need to pee/poo they will not be able to potty train.

ND is the underlying cause, but the problem is developmental delay.

Due to this delay, children with Autism/ADHD/Dyspraxia are on average more likely to be aged 4+ when they successfully potty train.

Most of these children are not diagnosed until older (my son was 7) and often the parents are called 'lazy' because of the delay in training, when its a very real physical disability that has caused the problem.

This is a very good post. I need to get out with my dc or I go mad at home. I foolishly attempted it on day 2 of our third (and thankfully final) attempt of potty training and I was totally that mum who was riddled with anxiety and panic because I was convinced dd would have an accident while we were out. She didn’t but she did withhold a wee for about 6 hours which wasn’t ideal either.

I gave my head a big wobble the next day and realised my stress was rubbing off on her. We gave her the time at home she needed then invested in a very cute travel potty which she chose herself. And then gradually started building up to outings again. I was a lot calmer and that’s when she seemed to thrive.

I tried DS1 in the summer so he could go pants-free in the garden etc. He was 2.5, and did not have a clue. He couldn't talk in sentences- just pointed grunted and used minimal words to make his point. That was the summer of the "two word picnic" when he dragged a chair across the room, pocketed some boxes of rasins from the high cupboard, came to me, said "walk", we went for a walk, he led the way, said "sit" and shared the rasins for us to eat.

He wasn't at the theshold for SALT, that came a year later.

We tried again at 3 and he got using the toilet reliably within a few weeks.

The autism diagnosis came at 9, and with hindsight, he isn't great at managing intericeptive signals so no wonder 2.5 was too soon for him. But at the age of toilet training, his additional needs were not obvious although there were traits that were present and relevant.

I'm not sure that 18m of strapping him into a "potty-chair" like the one I was trained with would have been that productive, despite saving laundering 18m worth of food allergy reusable nappies (disposables were useless).
At least being 3, we got straight on to using the toilet and cut unnecessary transitions which with hindsight could have been awkward.

DS2 was ready before 2.5 and didn't want to wear nappies any more. The awkward bit was him deciding while camping abroad when it really wasn't practical! He was sorted in a couple of weeks. Much simpler than DS1 and he could communicate much more effectively too.

Shoelaces are an on-going work in progress for them both... and both have grown out of velcro shoes. (Dyspraxia, dyslexia)

Sorry, interoception.

I mean the DO cause proprioception problems, but the word i wanted was Interoception.

I think it’s too late to wait to try, bjt if tried and child not ready I don’t see it as lazy. As mine are close in age my youngest wanted to use the potty early so we let her and she pretty much trained herself. We went against common advice and put her in pull
ups very young so she could use the potty. I asked her if she wanted to go and she normally
sat on it before going out etc and I took her to the loo when my eldest went and within a very short time her nappy was always dry. We left her in it so we didn’t have to stress (she was young) and never had any accidents. She was obviously self motivated but if I’d had a third, I would have done to the same way and trained while using pull ups!

my now 19yo DS still can't tie shoelaces, but his Dyspraxia was rated severe on all counts.

You can still get velcro shoes, he's a mens size 10 and we haven't had to stray from the trainers/smart boots shelves in most shoe stores yet.

Of course, persevere.. DD is also dyspraxic and finally got it aged 14, but don't despair if they don't!

Between FT work, nursery, other dc commitments it is hard to find the time to stay home and really nail it.

Sorry but this is a cop-out. Toilet training is basic parenting.
'Other DC commitments!?' Surely the biggest commitment is to make sure your child isn't wetting/soiling themselves?

No one wants to be called lazy - but the above does suggest a distinct lack of effort.

Absolutely. Regardless of what age you potty-train your child, the most important thing imo is to minimise stress and avoid shame. Otherwise, you're storing up a whole host of problems for yourself.

The one piece of advice I'd give to parents potty-training is this - if you're going somewhere or you're in a situation where it would be disastrous if your child had an accident, put a pull-up on them until they're reliably trained (either by itself, or over pants if you're worried about confusing them). A bit of "confusion" is infinitely preferable to stressing yourself and your child out. My child wore a pull up on long car journeys and plane trips long after they were potty-trained.

I did try earlier, but it didn’t go well, so I didn’t keep pushing. Just waited another little while and then it was really easy.

It’s great yours took to it super young, I mostly hear that at that age there are a ton of ‘accidents’ over an extended period of time. But they’re all different. Just like being dry at night seems to vary hugely, with the variation being in years, rather than months. They’re not going to be dry at night until they produce the hormone necessary. Surely the key is to do it at the right time for each child.

I think there's a difference between trying it, realising that the child doesn't seem ready and then leaving it for a few months and just not bothering until they are 3.5/4. My DC are pre-teen/teen so not that old and I tried potty training them both just after they turned two. They both got it within a day or two. If they hadn't I'm sure I would have left it longer to try again. I think some people just assume their DC won't be ready until after 3 so don't give it a go. Not having to keep buying nappies was certainly an advantage.

I think trying earlier but then it not working out and trying again later, especially before 3 is fair enough. Not trying at all until 3 does feel a bit on the lazier side though I'd never actually comment.

Mine didn't have a ton of accidents and I didn't have to 'chase him around' with a potty either. I took a week off work, told him that wee and poo go in the potty, did bare bum for the first few days, then underpants, then trousers and he was potty trained by the end of the week. Lots of drinks and chocolate buttons. Minimal accidents.

My twins turn 18 months in a few months and I plan to do the same with them.