Would you charge your parents rent in these circumstances?

[TheSummerof25]

Long story short for the past 8 years my parents have stored (both inside and out) a number of large items/vehicles at our house. One in particular (a huge caravan) blocks our view and I WFH, without it, i have a lovely open aspect and can watch my chickens and the wildlife on my front from my office window. With it, all I can see is the bloody caravan. They know we don’t like it, we’ve reluctantly tolerated it because they’re our parents.

They do help with childcare, but tbh it’s got to the point where they moan so much and have other priorities we don’t bother asking, for example over the summer I’ve just sent them to clubs where they should have been with parents because their apathy was so apparent - it was four days of the summer I’d asked for.

We look after their pets when they go away, we pay a sitter for ours as we know “how busy” my retired parents are. Whereas we just slot it in.

When I bought a house early in my career, I with much lower pay, they lent me £35k for the deposit. I paid it back within 4 years (moved in with now DH and sold my house) but they charged me “rent” proportionally to the value of the house before it sold. DH always thought this was mean. Both parents retired at 55 and have had several inheritances which have mostly funded the stuff dumped at our house - my point they’re comfortable and have reliable income streams.

Now we’re moving, into a house with an income stream to support retirement plans and they have assumed they can continue to store all their junk, but not only that, want an upgrade of dry storage for all items. Storage is used by the business and so there is a loss associated with letting them have that for free. I said they could get planning and build their own barn, but they don’t want the expense. DH has looked and storage for all their items is easily in the region of £350 per month if not more. He said they can store it but they have to pay - like they charged me rent. This move is a huge investment from us and is with a long term view.

I’m reluctant to charge them, but equally don’t think waterproof items which are now stored outside should be prioritised for items we actually need to store for the business. It will create a gap for us. Parents think we could just make it work. Although haven’t enquired how.

YABU - you can’t charge your parents storage
YANBU - they’ve had 8 years free and can put their hands in their pocket.

What was their response to you telling them (again) that they can’t bring it back after the weekend OP? Or have you not had that conversation since your DS was charged with being the reason for its return?

My inlaws used to show up unannounced at dinner time and I'd invite them to join despite not having enough and then frantically run around rustling up extra. They pissed me off in so many ways so I got angry and resentful and decided to stop. I said so sorry, will have to show you out as we're about to eat. It felt rude, but they were the rude ones by showing up uninvited when they knew we'd be eating. It is manipulative and calculating.

I appreciate it's much harder with your parents, but they know what they're doing. They don't care how much it inconveniences you and puts a strain on your marriage. They don't give a fuck. And this is why it has to stop.

As someone with a difficult parent, you have my sympathy. It is so hard to enforce those initial boundaries, because they know what buttons to push when you do (because they put them there!). It is hard because they are never completely bad people, it would be easier if they were!

They are probably going to act up more and expect you to cave but hold strong. It is really difficult to challenge established family dynamics. I do recommend counselling in the future, it has really helped me to process things.

Good luck!

If you're so concerned with not wasting your precious time, I suggest you not engage with the internet at all. Mumsnet seems to be a tad too much for you.

@TheSummerof25 lock the gate, change the code, put your car in the garage, pretend you are out for a few days/ they dont need to know your every move. you are acting cowardly!!

@Eddielizzard
My inlaws used to show up unannounced at dinner time and I'd invite them to join despite not having enough and then frantically run around rustling up extra.

This! DH used to joke you knew it was dinner time at ours because my parents always rocked up. I ended up eating stood up whilst I catered to everyone. Otherwise the kids would have eaten whilst I continued to work 🙄

Maybe put a chain on the gate temporarily on the day you're expecting them back OP? I can see you're frustrated with people's responses but given that your parents repeatedly ignore every verbal boundary you put in place, trying a physical boundary for 24 hours might be worth it?

As someone said way upthread - if you want to change someone's behaviour then you need to do something different and see if that makes the change. Just telling them you want the change rarely works - especially with CFs.

@TheSummerof25 I can see the future!!! they will turn up to collect the caravan on the day of the move and they will follow the removal van, straight into your new place!! then this whole debacle will resume as normal!! you need to find your balls!!!

I’m sorry OP, you deserve to be treated so much better than this
Regardless of how they were when you were younger, it’s clear they are completely selfish, rude, grasping and self centred at this point. Time to draw succinct boundaries in many areas - no more eating your meals unless invited, no popping in during work hours, no shit storage facility, no being bloody rude to your long suffering DH - none of it. They’ve shown you who they are now. Time to stop treating them like the people you want them to be

With the level of entitlement they have shown towards you and your home, their obvious next move is to use you as a holiday destination when you move overseas. You might want to nip that expectation in the bud ASAP. Honestly, you're a saint to be juggling all this while trying to move.

First class reply! 😂

🌟just for you and thank you for your concern!

They are CF indeed, do they expect more of you than your brother because you are female?

Exactly this

I see no point in all this ongoing anger and upset each time they push boundaries if nothing's going to be done about it, and so what if locking the drive off seems an "extreme" thing to do?
Very obviously they won't listen until they have to, so why drag it out and create even more bitterness when a decisive move - from DH if necessary - would cut it off once and for all?

They'll probably whine to anyone who's prepared to listen about what an "awful" daughter you are, but short of rollingg over for them they'll do that anyway, and at least this way you get your space back

I hope they get the message - but I fear you will have a battle on your hands.

In our case the issues were much smaller and could be seen as petty (on my part) but in hindsight I think making a stand early on was useful. Ultimately the problem was the same - parents (PIL) ignoring what we’d said and turning up with something and trying to foist it on us. Think Christmas food item which they asked if they could bring and DH said no thanks-we’d already got it. We have a smaller kitchen than theirs and at Christmas very little storage space - they are well aware of that. They brought it anyway and put it in my kitchen. On the day they left I put it in one of their bags with a cheery smile and said sorry we hadn’t used it, but I’m sure they’ll be able to use it at home. There was another incident with a small cabinet they tried to give us. They bought one and it came as a set of two. Again, we said no thanks, again they turned up with it. It went back home with them. Since then - no more repeats.

OP, better late than never - put the limits down now, politely but firmly. You don’t need then for childcare. There is nothing they can hold over you. They are causing strife between you and DH. Time to stop it now. I would make sure they cannot get on the property and inside the house. If they turn up when you’re working they should not be allowed in. It’s the same as dealt with whiny DC - never give in. They learn usually pretty quickly - whether you mean business or whether they can walk all over you.

Agree with this, time to start thinking of new boundaries like when they show up uninvited tell them to leave and call ahead in future. I do think if you put up all the boundaries you need now you’ll have it out and that will be the start of you having your life be your own.

And how much money have you spent on their free dinners!! Sounds like they’ve not had to do a full food shop for years!! Do they realise that’ll be ending too when you move further away. Such CF your folks are 😂 it would be fine if they appreciated it, but I bet they’ve never once brought a bottle of wine or box of chocolates over as a thank you.

I assume OP isn’t moving that much further away as they want to continue the storage arrangement at the new house!!

whatever happens do not give your parents the entry code. They do not need it

I think that was 100% the intention.

Silence.

It’s only 40 minutes but at the moment it’s 5 so much less convenient.

Please ignore the arses demanding you do things that are expensive, impractical, impossible etc because they think thats what they'd do, and seem to believe that posts on a forum give them 100% of the minute details of someones life.

Real life ain't like that and whilst it'd be nice to drag their van out to the middle of nowhere and leave it, or barricade the gates, you do also have a life to lead and other things to get on with.

I'd ensure the gates are shut and something parked in the way and if you have another something, park that where the van was last parked, so even if it isn't 100% impossible to put it back, it's ... awkward. Fingers x though they realise you are serious that its not coming back to yours.

I think they know I’m more accommodating, because they don’t push him like they do me and they do alot more for him.

I have to ask OP, what exactly are you going to do to stop them bringing it back and parking it on your land?? It's all very well to make it clear that it cannot come back once it leaves today, but it's clear that they simply DO NOT LISTEN to what you say, so I repeat, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO STOP THEM?

If they bring it back then ask your husband to park it in the layby and inform then of where it is.

@TheSummerof25 When you move to your new place can someone immediately shut the gate when removal van arrives so they cannot follow in?? do you need me to come and tell them NO!!