Would you charge your parents rent in these circumstances?

[TheSummerof25]

Long story short for the past 8 years my parents have stored (both inside and out) a number of large items/vehicles at our house. One in particular (a huge caravan) blocks our view and I WFH, without it, i have a lovely open aspect and can watch my chickens and the wildlife on my front from my office window. With it, all I can see is the bloody caravan. They know we don’t like it, we’ve reluctantly tolerated it because they’re our parents.

They do help with childcare, but tbh it’s got to the point where they moan so much and have other priorities we don’t bother asking, for example over the summer I’ve just sent them to clubs where they should have been with parents because their apathy was so apparent - it was four days of the summer I’d asked for.

We look after their pets when they go away, we pay a sitter for ours as we know “how busy” my retired parents are. Whereas we just slot it in.

When I bought a house early in my career, I with much lower pay, they lent me £35k for the deposit. I paid it back within 4 years (moved in with now DH and sold my house) but they charged me “rent” proportionally to the value of the house before it sold. DH always thought this was mean. Both parents retired at 55 and have had several inheritances which have mostly funded the stuff dumped at our house - my point they’re comfortable and have reliable income streams.

Now we’re moving, into a house with an income stream to support retirement plans and they have assumed they can continue to store all their junk, but not only that, want an upgrade of dry storage for all items. Storage is used by the business and so there is a loss associated with letting them have that for free. I said they could get planning and build their own barn, but they don’t want the expense. DH has looked and storage for all their items is easily in the region of £350 per month if not more. He said they can store it but they have to pay - like they charged me rent. This move is a huge investment from us and is with a long term view.

I’m reluctant to charge them, but equally don’t think waterproof items which are now stored outside should be prioritised for items we actually need to store for the business. It will create a gap for us. Parents think we could just make it work. Although haven’t enquired how.

YABU - you can’t charge your parents storage
YANBU - they’ve had 8 years free and can put their hands in their pocket.

OP’s getting lots of flack thrown at her at the moment! I’m sure she knows her parents better than any of us…..
I think a lot of us do things to avoid conflict. Especially when it doesn’t achieve anything.
Op, you and hubby sound like a great team. Good luck with the move.

OP. You are doing the right thing focusing on your move.

There was bound to be pushback for you not obeying them and it sounds like this is it. Its petty and stupid but it is what it is...

I don't think anything you can say to them will improve their behaviour now. Its hard, but you did the right thing. The situation was unstainable and couldn't continue, even for practical reasons. They were really taking advantage of you and carrying it on to an extreme degree and you stood up to them. You had to do it for your own sanity.

Now they are displaying their displeasure in the hope that you cave. Even if you did cave, they wouldn't start being "nice" again. They would still display their displeasure to make you feel bad for making a stand in the first place.

When you weigh it up, you are still better off having stood up to their unreasonable behaviour. Its very likely that their impositions and unreasonable behaviour would just get worse and this would impact your new home and the life you are both building together. In a way, them taking offence means they won't be in your face all the time, which will be a relief.

Its sad that its come to this.. but really something had to give. They need to grow up and stop being so petty and awful to their child. I'm predicting that your brother will soon get fed up of being your stand in for impositions and will soon tell them to do one. They are digging themselves into a corner. But that is NOT your fault. It is via their own behaviour.

Let them sulk it out. Try not to let it get to you by having the mantra onwards and upwards. The move will give you all a fresh start and hopefully they will come round in time, once they get over their sulk.
Best of luck with the move.

It sounded as though your mother is in your house when neither you nor your husband is home. Yikes. Surely the ink isn’t yet dry on the Magna Carta you surely drew up regarding all future interactions, and the boundaries thereto!

If can only guess at the awful way DH must have received the shock of finding her ensconced and unsupervised (though she’s proven herself to be very devious, and a threat to your happy family unit), and she then having the bloody nerve to treat him so dreadfully in his own house.

I’m still stunned, many hours later, by your reflexive shrug of ‘Qué sera, sera’ as events continue to attempt incursions into your life. I’d be on tablets, for a start.

Update - We have exchanged! We are moving this week.

All very exciting. My relationship with my parents is definitely very fractured. In-laws have been helping us move (vendor has let us move some stuff over), helping with the kids, all pulling together - my parents left me with their dog for the weekend. My Mum is utterly miserable with us and barely has two words: we asked a favour and it was too much.

Quite hurt and shocked by how much this has fractured our relationship but hey ho.

Your parents have shown their true colours and only want favours from you, yet can never offer any. Why did you take their dog? Next time say, no. They're happy to say no to you.

Congratulations on the big move! Easier said than done, but try not to let your parents spoil this for you.

I think it’s natural to be hurt, because even though they are behaving as expected, we always hope that our loved ones will be better.

you did them a huge favour! So I have no idea what favour you asked them for but it pails in comparison to all you’ve put up with.

Good luck with your move. It's your parents loss. They have shown you just how self centred they are but are still prepared to use you when it suits. Stick to your hard fought for new boundaries.

The dog is an old man and a family dog - I genuinely like having him and he is no bother. So I was happy to. Although the timing was off!

The timing was planned by your mother, without a doubt to be most inconvenient.

Glad to see your update - good luck with the move! I'm sure all will go well.

I’m sorry your parents have turned out to be so selfish. I hope over time you can rebuild your relationship with your boundaries firmly in place.

They are consistent.
The move away is a fresh start.
Don't allow her narcissistic behaviour to derail it.
Try not to ask anything of them.
Make them as redundant in your life as possible, long term it will be easier.
Mind yourself, this is a very stressful time.

I've been following your thread OP. How disappointing that this is what your parents are really like. Remember it's not your fault and you can't change them, you can only change how you interact with them.

Your move is a good chance for you and DH to put those new boundaries in place. No keys for them. No just dropping in, especially when you are not there. Get DH to help you with the boundaries - it's hard to see what's reasonable when it's your own family.

Best of luck in your new place and with your new outlook.

I hope the move goes well OP. It's hard work but what a fabulous new beginning for you 😃And well done for looking after the old dog. That just shows them that you're not the unreasonable one here. Not long to go 🥳

This in spades.

Hope everything goes smoothly for the move, OP!

I hope the move goes smoothly.

I'm not surprised your parents haven't dealt well with you setting boundaries and not letting them inconvenience you. You're the utility child, there to be of use. If you're not storing their stuff or doing stuff for them, especially when it inconveniences you, they're not happy. The van blocking your view, their furniture, now the dog watching when you're on the middle of a move, that's your functional role.

In the long term it can be a blessing when people really expose their inner motivations. Makes it easier to make decisions about effort and emotions.
Most of the time we blunder on excusing, spinning stuff positively, etc.

Your mum will do anything to make your life hard. The dog is just another example.

Good luck with the move and hopefully life will be less stressful after that.

do they still have the van where is it living now?

Hi OP! First of all, congratulations on the exchange of contracts, at least now you can breath a sigh of relief where that's concerned.

I'm SO sorry that your parents have let you down so badly, and are sulking rather than learning an important lesson. The important thing to remember, is that they will need you, long before you need them. My advice? Keep your distance, refuse ALL requests for help from them, and above all, deny them access of any sort to your property when you're not there. If they drop in unexpectedly, and it's inconvenient, tell them so, if at that point you're feeling generous, you could say 'sorry Mum & Dad, but you should have called first as I'm really busy/working, whatever, but now you're here, we'll have a quick cuppa, and then I'm afraid you'll have to go, as I need to get back to whatever the task is.' Please DON'T slip back into old habits, because the minute you do you will be back to square one, and I feel sure that you never want to go through the sort of stress that they've caused you again.

I hope the move goes really well, and wish you and your family every happiness in your new home.

Good luck with your move! They are bound to feel a bit sore - they don’t have much experience of not being able to ride roughshod over you! Hope it settles to a place you can feel happy with.

Hope the move went well! Praying your parents didn’t pull any more CF moves

How’s it going op hope you’re loving your new home.