Would you charge your parents rent in these circumstances?

[TheSummerof25]

Long story short for the past 8 years my parents have stored (both inside and out) a number of large items/vehicles at our house. One in particular (a huge caravan) blocks our view and I WFH, without it, i have a lovely open aspect and can watch my chickens and the wildlife on my front from my office window. With it, all I can see is the bloody caravan. They know we don’t like it, we’ve reluctantly tolerated it because they’re our parents.

They do help with childcare, but tbh it’s got to the point where they moan so much and have other priorities we don’t bother asking, for example over the summer I’ve just sent them to clubs where they should have been with parents because their apathy was so apparent - it was four days of the summer I’d asked for.

We look after their pets when they go away, we pay a sitter for ours as we know “how busy” my retired parents are. Whereas we just slot it in.

When I bought a house early in my career, I with much lower pay, they lent me £35k for the deposit. I paid it back within 4 years (moved in with now DH and sold my house) but they charged me “rent” proportionally to the value of the house before it sold. DH always thought this was mean. Both parents retired at 55 and have had several inheritances which have mostly funded the stuff dumped at our house - my point they’re comfortable and have reliable income streams.

Now we’re moving, into a house with an income stream to support retirement plans and they have assumed they can continue to store all their junk, but not only that, want an upgrade of dry storage for all items. Storage is used by the business and so there is a loss associated with letting them have that for free. I said they could get planning and build their own barn, but they don’t want the expense. DH has looked and storage for all their items is easily in the region of £350 per month if not more. He said they can store it but they have to pay - like they charged me rent. This move is a huge investment from us and is with a long term view.

I’m reluctant to charge them, but equally don’t think waterproof items which are now stored outside should be prioritised for items we actually need to store for the business. It will create a gap for us. Parents think we could just make it work. Although haven’t enquired how.

YABU - you can’t charge your parents storage
YANBU - they’ve had 8 years free and can put their hands in their pocket.

My mum thinks he needs to hear “no” more and corrects him for the sake of correcting him.

That's pretty funny coming from someone who can't stand to be told no.

The digs from your dad are inappropriate. Does he do this with your sibling's spouse and kids too?

Once the fog starts lifting from seeing unhealthy behaviours, you often see it in others around you.

You might want to check out Harpy's Child and see if anything there resonates.

Use your move to take advantage of a little more distance from your parents and a little more time for you. Your husband and kids don't need to be hearing their digs.

Agree about the possibility of one of them having a health crisis soon to put you back in line.

That’s really quite shocking. I’m sorry it’s come to this, but I think you handled getting rid of the van ever so well. Focus on the move and little one being at school, your parents will no doubt be in touch when they want something!

They are picking on your son because you have displeased them, anyone close to you is in the line of fire as a way of punishing you, I think your mum’s words that your son needs to hear the word no more often is actually spot on, not for your son but for her and your dad.
You have always accepted their demands before because you know deep down they are unreasonable but you can’t bear them punishing you and your siblings browbeating you too, this time though you can see their reaction affects your husband and children and you won’t allow that.

Stop letting them store their stuff at yours totally. Don't charge rent, this will just give them a sense of entitlement and could even cause a tax issue for you. Give them an ultimatum to get rid of the stuff. If you want it gone by 2 weeks, tell them 1. My kids cringe when they see the stuff stored in my own garage knowthey will have to get rid one day, can't imagine them putting up with this.

@SweetnsourNZ there is a 'see all' button you can click on the OP's post to see all their comments in a thread.

Using it will help you avoid giving advice that has already been given, received, acted on and resolved several pages back.

@TheSummerof25 Have you moved yet? Fingers x it goes well if you haven't and I hope it did go well if you have!

Just bloody say no. Fresh home, fresh start. Sorry folks, we can’t store your abundant of things. We have our own lives to be getting on with and want to store our own things. You’ll have to find somewhere new for it all once we move.

It’s that bloody simple.

Oops wrong thread 🤦‍♀️

How's it going OP , have you heard from your parents?

We’re edging closer to moving..! There’s some definite distance between us all. Although we’ve seen each other. I didn’t realise but DH said twice he’s come home and seen my mum and she’s practically blanked him. Which isn’t ok. I’m finding myself short of patience with them and their attitude to DS so creating as much distance as I can. Feel quite hurt by how quickly thieve dropped us.

Van is parked on the road outside my bothers! My friend sent me a photo! Made me smile. DH said they’re so tight!!! Brother lives on a busy cul de sac not ideal at all.

Such a shame that there is a distance developing between you all but it's entirely of their own doing. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Sounds like you and DH have a very strong and supportive relationship which is a blessing.

Your poor DB and his neighbours! I wonder how long the van will stay there?!

I bet they won't be allowed to keep it there for long OP. Bearing in mind that we have a motorhome, and so are VERY aware of how neighbours don't like them being left in the street, my neighbour even complained about it being on our drive!! So I think it highly likely that your brother will be getting it in the neck from his neighbours about it, and it won't be long before he tells your parents it's got to go. Can't help wondering whether they're thinking if they leave it there until you've moved, that they'll be able to wheedle their way into leaving it at your new place, because 'your poor brother can't have it outside his house any more, because the neighbours are complaining!' I can even hear them saying it, lol.

Stay strong OP, and please don't let them get away with treating your DS badly, as it really isn't fair on him.

As for not speaking to your DH whilst on his own property, I think in your shoes I would be encouraging him to speak up and tell your Mum how rude she's being, and that if she can't be civil to him whilst visiting, then she's no longer welcome. Unfortunately after the way you've allowed them to get away with treating him previously, I do think you owe him your support now.

Nice thieve typo there

Hope the move goes well, maybe get automatic bollards installed in your new place.

The neighbours will soon start giving your brother grief. He'll get sick of it. Then what. Stay strong OP. Please keep us updated on your move ☺️

What was that about DH coming home and finding your mother there? You’re not letting her have access to your place still, are you?

No, they’ve been visiting. DH has come back. I didn’t witness her behaviour so wasn’t aware. But it’s not on. I think she probably blames DH for the van issue but it’s really petty and he doesn’t deserve it.

So what are you going to do about it?
You really need to be asserting your boundaries and expectations. Your DH has suffered enough, and yet you still seem very passive!

@Swiftie1878 well I didn’t know about it, I’m not mystic Meg. Obviously I recognise it’s not ok. What do you suggest I do? I can raise it with my Mum but we’ll just fall out more, which seems pointless. I personally think the best thing to do is leave my Mum to it and continue to allow distance between us.

This is how you got into problems in the first place.
You can’t just ‘leave her to it’ if she’s visiting your home and blanking your DH! You have to tell her that she needs to at the very least remain civil to your husband in his own home.
If not, she shouldn’t visit. You visit her.

You can’t control how people behave. Sometimes you just have to accept and adjust your own behaviour. She visits to the extent necessary to facilitate a relationship between our children.

MIL has been really hurtful to me over the years, not just rude. I won’t go into details but all DH has done was to apologise on her behalf and acknowledge it’s not ok. But we both recognise raising it would have caused more issues than it solved.

You’re absolutely right. You can’t control how people behave, but you can decide whether or not you accept their behaviour.
It sounds as though both you and your DH are ready to accept whatever people dish up to you, so I guess you do you!
Again, this is how you got into trouble in the first place with the van etc, so I’m not sure it’s working for you, but it’s your choice.

It sounds as though both you and your DH are ready to accept whatever people dish up to you, so I guess you do you!

No it doesn’t. It sounds like we recognise that trying to be assertive and change people’s behaviour can be more hassle than it’s worth.

Have you ever tried the exercise of costing up what your parents have saved you in childcare fees over the years against what you have saved them in storage? I suspect it's going to be a pretty similar figure, or indeed that storage costs outweigh childcare. It would be quite handy to have those figures available if your mother comes back with how you owe them help in return for childcare.

The thing is OP, being assertive isn't intended to CHANGE other people's behaviour, but it does let them know that their behaviour is NOT acceptable. As someone else suggested, if your DM can't be civil to your DH in his own home, then you need to tell her that that is NOT acceptable, so she either speaks to him civilly when she visits, or you will stop her visiting and will have to visit her if you want to see her. I understand that this might not be convenient for YOU, but why should your DH accept being snubbed in his own home, just because you're too weak to put your foot down with your parents.

Equally, if his parents are rude to you, you have every right to tell your DH, that they aren't welcome in your home, and if he wants to see them, then he should do so elsewhere.

It does sound like you've been raised to let your Mother rule the roost, and you simply can't bring yourself to put a stop to it, even though you're now a Mother yourself. As a matter of interest, would you be happy for your DS to be scared to speak his mind to you when he becomes an adult?

@Givenupshopping I am not scared of my Mum, I just know that inviting more conflict wouldn’t achieve anything other than exactly that, conflict. Any decent person knows snubbing someone in their own home isn’t acceptable, it shouldn’t need spelling out and if it does, it’s probably because they lack the decency to give a damn.

Her and I are not on great terms, so I can accept her for what she is and reduce the contact or I can totally severe our relationship.