Would you charge your parents rent in these circumstances?

[TheSummerof25]

Long story short for the past 8 years my parents have stored (both inside and out) a number of large items/vehicles at our house. One in particular (a huge caravan) blocks our view and I WFH, without it, i have a lovely open aspect and can watch my chickens and the wildlife on my front from my office window. With it, all I can see is the bloody caravan. They know we don’t like it, we’ve reluctantly tolerated it because they’re our parents.

They do help with childcare, but tbh it’s got to the point where they moan so much and have other priorities we don’t bother asking, for example over the summer I’ve just sent them to clubs where they should have been with parents because their apathy was so apparent - it was four days of the summer I’d asked for.

We look after their pets when they go away, we pay a sitter for ours as we know “how busy” my retired parents are. Whereas we just slot it in.

When I bought a house early in my career, I with much lower pay, they lent me £35k for the deposit. I paid it back within 4 years (moved in with now DH and sold my house) but they charged me “rent” proportionally to the value of the house before it sold. DH always thought this was mean. Both parents retired at 55 and have had several inheritances which have mostly funded the stuff dumped at our house - my point they’re comfortable and have reliable income streams.

Now we’re moving, into a house with an income stream to support retirement plans and they have assumed they can continue to store all their junk, but not only that, want an upgrade of dry storage for all items. Storage is used by the business and so there is a loss associated with letting them have that for free. I said they could get planning and build their own barn, but they don’t want the expense. DH has looked and storage for all their items is easily in the region of £350 per month if not more. He said they can store it but they have to pay - like they charged me rent. This move is a huge investment from us and is with a long term view.

I’m reluctant to charge them, but equally don’t think waterproof items which are now stored outside should be prioritised for items we actually need to store for the business. It will create a gap for us. Parents think we could just make it work. Although haven’t enquired how.

YABU - you can’t charge your parents storage
YANBU - they’ve had 8 years free and can put their hands in their pocket.

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You're welcome

You really need to do this. They’re taking the piss, big time. You need to be firm. If necessary, put a padlock on the gate temporarily-worth buying a chain or something to ensure they can’t return the bloody van?

If this were a different situation, I’d be asking why you’d rather upset your DH than your parents. I mean, I’m wondering that anyway! You need to put in some serious boundaries, especially re them just turning up whenever they fancy. You’re working, they wouldn’t turn up to your office if you weren’t wfh. It’s all very enmeshed. It will presumably be easier once you move (further away from them?) and the dc are back in school.

Hooray! OP, make sure you shred their lawn when you return it to them.

They are only interested in you because of your usefulness. It's awful, but that's what comes through so clearly in every post about their actions.

They don't care that you are working. They aren't checking it's a good time to rock up. They aren't coming to spend time with their grandchildren. They aren't spending time with you.

They aren't even doing the baseline safety of supervising boisterous young dogs around young children, which any half decent dog owner knows is essential. Nevermind that these are their own grandchildren, who they are supposed to live and care for.

No, they are ignoring everything except their annoyance that you have actually said No, and their petty game-playing to try extend their tenure or (real motive?) wear you down so you'll let them move their crap to your new place.

I'm sorry your parents are so rubbish, @TheSummerof25 . You deserve so, so much better.

They came over during your work time and disrupted you and you reward them with a meal. No wonder they won’t carry out any of your requests. However, I’m intrigued about your husband’s role in this. He seems to be a bigger pushover than you. Both of you need to grow a backbone and tell them the caravan and furniture need to be gone and mean it. You don’t seem to be getting your message across particularly well. Of course they are going to keep dropping in, their stuff is all at your place so they feel they have every right to do so. The suggestion upthread that you put items you are storing in the caravan seems like a good one.

Sorry @TheSummerof25 but you really need to accept that "No". is a complete and valid sentence with regards to your parents - particularly your mother. You need to start using it and using right now. Your mother is trampling all over you and your boundaries still and only YOU can stop this.

"ooh that food looks nice - we'll stay for dinner" - your response should be "oh no, sorry but I've only cooked for us and DH will need it later - if your feeling peckish then here's the fruit bowl/biscuits"

"When are you moving?" - your response should be "very soon but we still need your van/stuff/shite moving by 31st August at the latest but earlier would be fab and sooo helpful to us" and repeat this EVERY TIME they ask.

This thing of querying dates/taking dinner unasked/disrupting your work/not controlling their dog is their way of trampling all over you and it's a huge fuck you to you and your lovely DH. If you can't face completely saying "No" then just say "I can not agree/answer so please ask DH" or just say "Ask DH".
You did say a while back that your mother's reaction to being told no was to smirk and suggest that you'd be very sorry (or words to that effect) and this is her - all her - trying to make you 'sorry' and push you back to where she believes you should be which is at the bottom of her considerations/respect etc.
It is one thing to see it (and you do) but it is so hard to actually push back when you've been 'trained to obey'.

I must have misunderstood about the childcare - it sounds as though your DM holds it over you nonetheless?

I hope you can get them to understand that they do not get to decide on what goes in/onyour property - but I agree with PP that it might be better if your DH takes the lead now.

Also, new deadline, they’re retired, so no issue. All furniture etc needs to be gone by say Wednesday, they can shove some in the van. No way should you be needing to consider moving their shite when you leave the house. I hope you see how bonkers this is, I feel your frustration but you’re being a doormat and you really have to put a stop to their entitled behaviour. Good luck, I know how hard it is with parents who just think they can rock up, do as they like etc.

Sorry I appreciate it’s not clear. They have helped with childcare in the past but we have all but stopped asking now. They helped because they set a precedent helping with my brothers children. Whole different story but I didn’t ask for help, but then DM cried one day and said she was so upset she hadn’t had DS, so when I had my second baby I said she could have him for a day (that was her expectation). That lasted a few months and I put him in nursery for an extra day. They have helped in the past for a few hours here and there and a school run once a week but their apathy towards it has become apparent and we’ve never been reliant, it’s always meant to have been an opportunity for them to spend time together. I’ve got a couple of great sitters who I use and just pay to save hassle now.

Yay! About time!
They are hearing you talk, but aren’t listen to what you are saying. So stop talking; start taking action.
You sound super kind and are clearly anxious about upsetting them. Yet they don’t appear to give a jot about upsetting you, your DH and your marriage.

DH doesn’t want to get involved because he’s fed up of it. He’s not a pushover, far from it but I think he’s at his wits end and similar to me just doesn’t want the extra hassle of it all. They’ve been quite rude to him recently.

You're really not though.

You have a solution, you can change the code on the gate but you're not willing to because its "too extreme".

You're scared of conflict of them, and scared to do anything that might start that conflict. They know that, so will continue to take the piss.

Change the gate code, take back control of your life

The time has come for extreme measures!

I’m not spending bloody money on it too!

I’m not going to get into our security but we have a couple of access points and it’s not really practical - many people have our codes for one reason or another as we have people who visit the home. It’s not proportionate at this time as it’s another hassle (and expense) for me.

You’re both avoiding it and that won’t help

them being rude to your DH should be the line in the sand - he needs to find his anger! They’re messing up his lawn and making his life more difficult

you and he need to sit down and agree what you will do if it’s not all gone by 31st. I suspect this will end up costing you money - in fact your parents are probably counting on you paying to solve their problem. But I think you will have to take a hit to avoid a long term problem

they are not nice people and just because they are your parents it doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it. Get through this blow up and then hopefully once you’ve moved things will calm down and you can rebuild a relationship with them

Please don’t give them the codes to the new house!!!

Well if they bring it back after you've told them not to (which they definitely will because they ignore everything you say and you just let them), get DH to drive it away from your property and tell them where it it for them to collect. And when they move it back (which they will, see above), you have the choice of continuously driving it off your property, or changing the codes/locks.

Yet they don’t appear to give a jot about upsetting you, your DH and your marriage.

This - and I’m getting increasingly frustrated and hurt that they are fully aware of the consequences of their behaviour but literally prefer their own convenience.

Did you get to eat @TheSummerof25 ? Or did your affectionate parental units leave you with nothing?

PPs have made the valid point that you need some sort of event, a circuit breaker to disrupt existing patterns of behaviour and response, or things won't change. They'll turn up at your new house and push, wheedle and manipulate till they get their own way and you'll be back at square one with you and your DH angrier and more despairing than you are now. That would be a disaster for you both and your LOs.

The event doesn't have to be anything very dramatic. It can simply be a written statement of what your parents can expect from you in the future (to be implemented immediately) including no storage space on your property for their belongings, a request for notice before they visit, an expectation that they'll manage their dog etc. In other words, what they can expect from you are a few sensible requests and a lot less indulgence. If they don't acquiesce, that's up to them, but they see a lot less of you. Their response to perfectly reasonable expectations will tell you what sort of relationship you'll have with them in the future.

@Bruisername DH isn’t avoiding anything, he’s just batting it back to me. Which I don’t think is unreasonable - I’ve allowed it to go on too long.

Yes you have. Be careful - he’ll be streadily losing respect for you. You need to protect your relationship with him and your marriage.

There’s so much that needs to change about your relationship dynamic with your parents at your new home .. all their stuff is just one part of it. It’s the dropping in, disrupting your professional working day, disrupting the kids, pets etc and the total disrespect towards you, your DH and your property.

in your new home you must have gates or some other access you need to give permission to enter - and don’t give them the direct codes… they must determine times to visit or arrange in advance - no more dropping in… if they do drop in don’t offer dinner etc, cup of tea and a biscuit only…

if DS trip with uncle is part of the reason why they feel entitled to store all their stuff then simply DS doesn’t go on that trip!

Stop giving them opportunity to take advantage of or disrupt you.

I’m glad your DH has come to the end of his tether with this crazy cheekiness. Let’s hope your parents don’t bring the van back after the weekend but if they do, your DH needs to carry out his ‘threat’ and park it in the lay-by!
Your son is little isn’t he? Why on earth does the van need to come back to yours just because his uncle is taking him away in it? He can’t drive!
Apologies if I’ve got that all mixed up.

Yes he’s 6!!!! He’s not even staying in it! Just joining them for a day.