Would you charge your parents rent in these circumstances?

[TheSummerof25]

Long story short for the past 8 years my parents have stored (both inside and out) a number of large items/vehicles at our house. One in particular (a huge caravan) blocks our view and I WFH, without it, i have a lovely open aspect and can watch my chickens and the wildlife on my front from my office window. With it, all I can see is the bloody caravan. They know we don’t like it, we’ve reluctantly tolerated it because they’re our parents.

They do help with childcare, but tbh it’s got to the point where they moan so much and have other priorities we don’t bother asking, for example over the summer I’ve just sent them to clubs where they should have been with parents because their apathy was so apparent - it was four days of the summer I’d asked for.

We look after their pets when they go away, we pay a sitter for ours as we know “how busy” my retired parents are. Whereas we just slot it in.

When I bought a house early in my career, I with much lower pay, they lent me £35k for the deposit. I paid it back within 4 years (moved in with now DH and sold my house) but they charged me “rent” proportionally to the value of the house before it sold. DH always thought this was mean. Both parents retired at 55 and have had several inheritances which have mostly funded the stuff dumped at our house - my point they’re comfortable and have reliable income streams.

Now we’re moving, into a house with an income stream to support retirement plans and they have assumed they can continue to store all their junk, but not only that, want an upgrade of dry storage for all items. Storage is used by the business and so there is a loss associated with letting them have that for free. I said they could get planning and build their own barn, but they don’t want the expense. DH has looked and storage for all their items is easily in the region of £350 per month if not more. He said they can store it but they have to pay - like they charged me rent. This move is a huge investment from us and is with a long term view.

I’m reluctant to charge them, but equally don’t think waterproof items which are now stored outside should be prioritised for items we actually need to store for the business. It will create a gap for us. Parents think we could just make it work. Although haven’t enquired how.

YABU - you can’t charge your parents storage
YANBU - they’ve had 8 years free and can put their hands in their pocket.

I’m sorry but I agree - you are trying but not hard enough.
They are STILL walking all over you!

Genius idea!! 🙌

By asking them whether they've sorted out storage yet, you're not making it their problem. They can say no, and it's still your problem.

I would change the gate code once your DB takes the van so they can't bring it back.

You will have to force your boundaries at some point, because they aren't respecting them. There will be a period of unpleasantness, how you're a bad daughter and a terrible person blah blah blah, and then it'll settle into the new age where you are respected, but you have to weather the storm.

So they've taken it this weekend? Be very blunt it is not coming back.

Message 'have a great weekend, please do not return the van to mind, we agreed the end of the month'.

Lock your gate and park your car behind it if you think they'll just turn up .

I cannot remember the exact quote but something along the lines of the road to insanity being repeating the same actions and expecting a different result. You are doing all the right things in telling them but that isn’t successful and will go on not being successful. You need to change what you are doing to disrupt the pattern of you asking/setting deadlines and them ignoring you.
The two obvious possible changes are legal action or physical action. Legal action is expensive and might be better as a last resort so you are left with physical action. Change the codes so they can’t bring it back on to your property. Arrange that you don’t need to go anywhere that day, ideally take a day off work so that isn’t stressing you, if your husband can’t be home line up a friend as moral support and be prepared to deal with them. It isn’t how any of us want to treat family but it is their behaviour which has led to this point.
I get that you would feel distressed by doing this but the ongoing situation is distressing you and your husband and needs to end. They started it! They are the unreasonable ones! They are very much in the wrong! But only you can change things. Good luck 🤞.

So they’re collecting it today to use over the weekend.

My DB isn’t using it until the first weekend of September, which is beyond my “end of the month” deadline. Their short reply when I said don’t bring it back of “but your DS is using it” made me realise they had absolutely no intention of moving it before the end of the month and them repeatedly asking when I’m moving (which is getting quite irritating - I am spinning enough plates right now) tells me that that’s when they intend to move it. When we actually move.

This is what you need to do. It is a proportional response to them bringing the van back when you have explicitly told them not to. If it is an extreme reaction then what does that tell you about what you are reacting to? You are very worried about upsetting them but they don't care at all that they are upsetting you!

Then lie - tell them you’re moving 5 September and you need everything out of the way before then and if it’s not gone by the end of 3rd it’s going to the tip on the 4th

stop pussy footing around them

I am really cross with them. It’s the summer holidays, I’m juggling childcare and work, they’re absolutely no help whatsoever as they can’t be arsed to look after the kids for an hour or two but then come round and disrupt us when I’m managing alone.

We’re moving to a different county, so I’ve the mental burden of moving schools and worried about that. It’s a big upheaval for us. I’m managing the admin side of the move, have an anxious vendor who is in constant contact. Then I have my parents constantly whittering on about when we’re moving.

DH hates the van, says they’re being manipulative and is getting cheesed off with them, more so than before. They know he hates the van, know it puts me in an awkward spot with DH. Know DH (who loves his bloody lawn) is having to move the van each time he mows the lawn.

And STILL they are trying to eek out leaving it with us. And why? To save a few quid on storage and allow them to keep their skip as long as possible.

I’m not going to lie. I’m going to say once it leaves today don’t bring it back or DH will leave it in the lay-by.

Hang on in there!

I hope so. Because you talk a good game on this thread but then seem constantly amazed they haven’t listened to you!!

I also think you should tell them how they have impacted on you during this stressful time. Don’t give them the easy way out

so you have the keys to the van, and the means to move it, but haven’t?

I’m not sure there’s much anyone can do to help you if you won’t help yourself….

I am not “amazed” I am frustrated and a bit disappointed that they’re adding to their own daughters burdens for their own gain.

I had given them until the end of the month. But the fact they’re taking it this weekend and have shown their colours re intending to leave it until September - which wasn’t a discussion, I’m more annoyed now!

You don't need to be annoyed. You have given them to the end of the month. If they have indicated that they are not going to listen to you then you need to DO something more. Don't waste your time being annoyed.

I was explaining why I haven’t already moved it.

So there you are, settled in to work with two small, nicely behaved children for company and your parents turn up and put a wrecking ball through your day. It speaks volumes about them and their whole attitude to you, your family and your life that they are more disruptive and selfish than those who are so young they are doing business with the Tooth Fairy. Do your parents plan to grow up at all?

Tell them (and put it in writing - a text, message, email, hard copy, whatever's easiest for you,) that you expect the van to be off your property by such and such a date and once it's gone, it stays that way. If it reappears, it will be left in the lay-by. Reiterate that it will not be moving to the new property with you.

I'd be tempted once they move it to be all 'oh that's great you've moved it already, we can get on with our prep for move now thanks' and just stonewall. You asked for it to be moved off your land, it's been moved, it's not coming back, end of.
The way they're behaving is a bit gas lightly, which is why it's so frustrating when you're trying to talk rationally to them. As much as you don't like playing games I think you need to stop trying to reason with them and behave as they do - suit your own agenda, shrug and brush it off.

I think there's some grieving to do about how unsupportive they are as parents, but I think that's something you'll need to do after the move.

I agree. You talk a good game but haven't driven to their house(H following you in your car) , left it, and come home. Why? The answer "Why should I, it isnt my responsibility" shows how much you (don't really) want answers from us.

If someone shows you who they are - believe them. They have shown you time and time again, yet you keep going back for more.

I find your behaviour far more bizarre than theirs.

@HAL200 i am not insured to move it - so I can’t drive it to their home without committing a criminal act.

So there you are, settled in to work with two small, nicely behaved children for company and your parents turn up and put a wrecking ball through your day. It speaks volumes about them and their whole attitude to you, your family and your life that they are more disruptive and selfish than those who are so young they are doing business with the Tooth Fairy.

Exactly!

I said can you please watch the kids whilst I finish work seen as you’ve disrupted me, but I could tell they weren’t and we both have young dogs - their dog was playing with mine and I think they need supervision. I always supervise our dog and child at home.

Then - I had done the children’s dinner and felt rude not offering, but the kids were moaning they were hungry so offered to dish up and of course they wanted some. So they ended up having tea too - I was fuming! Not least because I hadn’t catered for them and wanted to make sure I had enough saved for DH.

I think there's some grieving to do about how unsupportive they are as parents, but I think that's something you'll need to do after the move.

I agree - they’ve become really self absorbed recently and I am hurt by their callousness. There’s been a few instances recently where they’ve been uncaring especially towards the children - they have no interest in playing with them or engaging really, beyond what they can do sat on their arses whilst being served dinner that I’ve made! They’re coming to our home but not interested in seeing the kids. It has stung a bit!

You are still being way too nice to them! You need to say no!

with the dinner they’ve pushed you and you’ve caved. They will take that as further proof you are a pushover. Start saying no to everything and then rebuild the relationship once their stuff has gone and you’ve moved

do not give them the codes for the new house!!!

This is the crux of it!

They ignore you and you roll over

You NEED to do something extreme or nothing will change.

Then give them an (earlier) date

They move the van

Then - Oops. Problem at buyer's end. Date moved to the real one