Would you charge your parents rent in these circumstances?

[TheSummerof25]

Long story short for the past 8 years my parents have stored (both inside and out) a number of large items/vehicles at our house. One in particular (a huge caravan) blocks our view and I WFH, without it, i have a lovely open aspect and can watch my chickens and the wildlife on my front from my office window. With it, all I can see is the bloody caravan. They know we don’t like it, we’ve reluctantly tolerated it because they’re our parents.

They do help with childcare, but tbh it’s got to the point where they moan so much and have other priorities we don’t bother asking, for example over the summer I’ve just sent them to clubs where they should have been with parents because their apathy was so apparent - it was four days of the summer I’d asked for.

We look after their pets when they go away, we pay a sitter for ours as we know “how busy” my retired parents are. Whereas we just slot it in.

When I bought a house early in my career, I with much lower pay, they lent me £35k for the deposit. I paid it back within 4 years (moved in with now DH and sold my house) but they charged me “rent” proportionally to the value of the house before it sold. DH always thought this was mean. Both parents retired at 55 and have had several inheritances which have mostly funded the stuff dumped at our house - my point they’re comfortable and have reliable income streams.

Now we’re moving, into a house with an income stream to support retirement plans and they have assumed they can continue to store all their junk, but not only that, want an upgrade of dry storage for all items. Storage is used by the business and so there is a loss associated with letting them have that for free. I said they could get planning and build their own barn, but they don’t want the expense. DH has looked and storage for all their items is easily in the region of £350 per month if not more. He said they can store it but they have to pay - like they charged me rent. This move is a huge investment from us and is with a long term view.

I’m reluctant to charge them, but equally don’t think waterproof items which are now stored outside should be prioritised for items we actually need to store for the business. It will create a gap for us. Parents think we could just make it work. Although haven’t enquired how.

YABU - you can’t charge your parents storage
YANBU - they’ve had 8 years free and can put their hands in their pocket.

It gets worse and worse ! Your parents do not seem to realise how lucky they are.

I have been really kind to my kids and allowed them to use my attic as storage. One is moving into a flat with little storage. I have encouraged her to make her life easier by continuing to use the attic. By the end of the year I will have finally emptied their boxes of school books, student boxes and out of date clothes. I would NOT have had my view obscured by a caravan.

"until we find our feet" ???? No! for goodness sake you tell them that you cannot store their stuff. Don't offer a potential long-term solution.

And the prize for ‘ludicrously late to the thread but posting anyway’ award goes to @Motherbear44 😂

Well done @TheSummerof25 for straight talking to them! It can't have been easy but it sounds like the message finally hit home. Enjoy that prossecco!

Thats fantastic @TheSummerof25 I bet you feel relieved you’ve stuck to your guns and told them the truth.

Sometimes behaviour becomes ingrained.. it’s really difficult to step outside the ‘standard’ behaviour for both parties-they think their behaviour is normal too. Op I applaud you, it’s a mare to change the rhetoric. Please keep the boundaries moving forward, you have set your stage they’ve accepted it and don’t go back at all. Enjoy your view!

@TheSummerof25 so when are they taking it? Did they give you a date or are they doing it by the date you set them originally?

@TheSummerof25 Well done. Now to stay firm, no matter what they (especially your mother) throw at you. 💪

Absolutely fine if you don’t want to talk about it but I can’t help but wonder what they were like when you were a child/teenager. It sounds like, especially as the other siblings have a different relationship with them, that you were expected to be a helper in the family and not have your needs met for your parents to use you. Do you think this pattern has actually existed longer than your adult years?

also well done, your DH must be so happy to have you speak up and be the strong woman he’s always known you are with everyone except your parents!

@Ambivilentbeing My teenage years were slightly muddied with my Mum which led to some resentment on my side. Some serious incidents (outside of the home) which weren’t handled that well by her and which I do blame her for in part. Issues for another post and different username..! I don’t mind discussing in private but not on MN. So we’ve always had a slightly strained relationship although my Mum wouldn’t say that.

@chaosmaker Im not sure when it’s going - they said they have a skip on the drive right now and don’t want to leave it at an unoccupied property - so I said they need to find storage. The long and short being that they don’t want to pay for it! it does need to go though either we move, or the ground gets too wet, at which time that’s the deadline. Because I don’t want it back on our drive and I’ve made that clear.

That's a brilliant result! Props to you for standing your ground 🥂

It sounds like you have issues with mum but your mum is enabled by your dad, which means they both band together for the same outcome. It’s like playing bad cop good cop, you’re more likely to cave in to demands of the good cop because you build up trust and want to please but both of them are playing a role to get you to do what they demand.

Phew just finished reading the whole thread and my goodness what cheeky feckers. Sorry you were both put in that position, so pleased to read the latest update and that they will get rid of their stuff.
Hope the move, both of their crap and you to your new home goes smoothly from now on! 🥂

Awww thanks for the award. I don’t feel I deserve it because I clearly had not gone through the whole thread and I genuinely thought I had.

As a parent of children who have benefited from interest free loans, storage solutions and free childcare I was getting so angry about how the OP was being treated by her parents. I should perhaps stop participating in Mumsnet because I have too much going on to read long threads from start to finish. 😘

@Motherbear44 On a long thread, especially if it spans several days, just click on OP's opening post and click on "see all" and that way you can just see OP's posts which will bring you quickly up to date. I often do this on busy threads just to avoid reading the numerous versions of "cancel the cheque" posts.

BTW, you sound like a decent and kind parent, unlike OP's parents.

Well done for your straight talking OP. I think it’s easy to get lost in the detail of practicalities and finances sometimes when actually that’s only the surface-level issue. This is actually a question of where your priorities lie. Are you principally a daughter whose primary loyalty is to her parents or are you, in fact, principally a wife and mother whose prioritises those relationships and needs over those of your parents?
It’s not uncommon to find parents continuing to treat their adult children as though they are still kids who should do as they’re told or who somehow owe them a debt of care. And actually a line needs to be drawn because it’s time they saw you as adult who has her own preferences and responsibilities and whose life they do not run. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about them but they cannot expect to be at the top of your list.

I really strongly feel they didn’t offer to pay because they really want to NOT have to pay in order to “bill” you for what they see as their charge for doing childcare.

It is utterly bizarre that they see everything through this transactional lens. Like some people are compulsive coupon-ers or bargain hunters. They don’t enjoy the purchase for the result, but for feeling like they’ve got a good deal.

It’s like they want to use your land, as they get so much satisfaction out of getting the storage for free.

Either way - I’m pleased it sounds like it’s going!

I would work out roughly how much you have saved them in storage fees over the years and quote that figure at them every time this discussion arises.

You said it would be around £350 a month for all the things they currently have at yours. And it’s been 8 years. So £33,600?! Even if it’s half that, that’s a huge sum.

Then every time they say they need more time or it’s not convenient or they don’t want to pay for storage, I would just repeat: “Well, given we’ve saved you over 30 grand in fees over the years, I think you can afford to pay for a month or two of storage now…”

And if they moan about you not being helpful or say “think of all we do for you” you just reply: “I think saving you over £30,000 is quite helpful actually” or: “Yes and think of all we’ve done for you! We’ve saved you tens of thousands of pounds! You’re very welcome!”

Keep drilling it home, how helpful you’ve been, to them, to your siblings, repeat it until no-one can mention the caravan without it bringing to mind how much money you’ve saved them.

OP, it sounds as if you are the scapegoat child. I agree with a PP that your parents are using your land for free storage as a form of control. They know your DH doesn't like it. I wonder if they are secretly hoping that it will cause issues between you or even cause you to split.

Well done and that prosecco is well deserved!

Ha! @ 'we do have space for it' and 'it isn't that much stuff'... well if both of those are true it will be no bother at all for them to have their stuff back!

Make sure they're fully aware that if it's not gone by moving day, it will be out on the street!

@Fernticket i do think she secretly likes knocking us down a peg or two. She’s quite insecure and is always trying to get one up.

You've done great. I bet your husband is really relieved too.

Now it's time to give them a date it all needs to be moved by. Make sure it's before your move out date just in case they don't deal with moving it.

If they have a dumpster currently on their drive, that's awfully convenient in case they don't move their hoard.

If they don't move it by said date, I'd get your husband to just drop it off outside her house.

'we do have space for it' and 'it isn't that much stuff'... well if both of those are true it will be no bother at all for them to have their stuff back!

Exactly!!

On her own daughter?! Totally unacceptable. You deserve better, OP.

Well done on laying everything out with them and reinforcing your totally reasonable boundaries! 🥂