Would you charge your parents rent in these circumstances?

[TheSummerof25]

Long story short for the past 8 years my parents have stored (both inside and out) a number of large items/vehicles at our house. One in particular (a huge caravan) blocks our view and I WFH, without it, i have a lovely open aspect and can watch my chickens and the wildlife on my front from my office window. With it, all I can see is the bloody caravan. They know we don’t like it, we’ve reluctantly tolerated it because they’re our parents.

They do help with childcare, but tbh it’s got to the point where they moan so much and have other priorities we don’t bother asking, for example over the summer I’ve just sent them to clubs where they should have been with parents because their apathy was so apparent - it was four days of the summer I’d asked for.

We look after their pets when they go away, we pay a sitter for ours as we know “how busy” my retired parents are. Whereas we just slot it in.

When I bought a house early in my career, I with much lower pay, they lent me £35k for the deposit. I paid it back within 4 years (moved in with now DH and sold my house) but they charged me “rent” proportionally to the value of the house before it sold. DH always thought this was mean. Both parents retired at 55 and have had several inheritances which have mostly funded the stuff dumped at our house - my point they’re comfortable and have reliable income streams.

Now we’re moving, into a house with an income stream to support retirement plans and they have assumed they can continue to store all their junk, but not only that, want an upgrade of dry storage for all items. Storage is used by the business and so there is a loss associated with letting them have that for free. I said they could get planning and build their own barn, but they don’t want the expense. DH has looked and storage for all their items is easily in the region of £350 per month if not more. He said they can store it but they have to pay - like they charged me rent. This move is a huge investment from us and is with a long term view.

I’m reluctant to charge them, but equally don’t think waterproof items which are now stored outside should be prioritised for items we actually need to store for the business. It will create a gap for us. Parents think we could just make it work. Although haven’t enquired how.

YABU - you can’t charge your parents storage
YANBU - they’ve had 8 years free and can put their hands in their pocket.

OP, unfortunately, your parents sound as money-grabbing and penny-pinching as mine.

I would not be storing anything of theirs moving forward. I would set my stall out asap, and tell them in a friendly but firm way.

They will probably argue or sulk, and say that you have the space; .they may even offer to give you a token rent, or ask for younto store them temporarily, but stick to your guns.

You don't need to give them an explanation, jusitfy your decision, or be drawn into their discussions about it.

They are total CFs, and so I would follow this up with an email, to cover yourselves. E.g. Hi mum and dad, just a reminder of what we discussed at the weekend. To avoid any confusion... DH & I just wanted to clarify that all your belongings need to be moved from our property by xxxx at the latest, and to reiterate, we won't be storing any of your things at the new house. Love ...

@eatreadsleeprepeat thank you. I will make contact and say something like that. I feel like I don’t have the energy today. Combination of summer hols, juggling kids and work etc. I just can’t get into a discussion with them!

@Givenupshopping thank you. DH and I are pretty aligned in our thinking and we’re also good communicators generally. I don’t have any concerns re our discussion or him confusing it as being a rant at him.

@PhaseFour thank you. Spoke to DH today and when I think that they wanted profit from a 35k investment for my first home - AND a capital return and then think about the investment we’re about to make and they want to benefit from that - because ultimately whatever space they use is a loss to us I actually get quite annoyed. It’s DH who pointed that out to me and now I think, goodness you’re right!

Sound good @TheSummerof25 , just remember (and you may have phrased it unintentionally to make me think this) ……you have no need to be wary of a ‘discussion’ whenever you do choose to broach it.

It is not, nor should it be a matter to discuss. You are simply informing them of your decision. I’d maybe see if I could add that to the email/text in some way - some sort of phrasing to tell them your decision is final and you won’t be discussing it further. Then Shut them down if they try with ‘we told you we aren’t prepared to talk about it further’

Read the updates. Op doesn't use them for childcare she would prefer to pay for care but they want to see dgc.

I think its good that they overheard you, they shouldn't have been there trying to push your boundaries, nor should your Mum have been eavesdropping!

It'd be nice to hope that they'll go and reflect on their pushy behaviour but I doubt it - they'll probably pretend it never happened after a few days silence, or come up with some drama to guilt you.

I still can't get past them profiting from helping you buy your first home... expecting a loan to be repaid is one thing, but expecting a return on their investment... Ugh!

Wish I could have been a fly on the wall in your parents home last night. 😊

I don’t! I have lost sleep worrying there’s going to be a fall out. I’m not usually bothered by conflict and know I’m probably being irrational!

You can feel confident that the fall out is down to them, not you. You are totally in the right here - you've got no obligation to house their stuff anyway, but in the light of how they extorted you on your flat money the fact you even still speak to them is a bloody miracle.

You are very unsettled because you never rock the boat with them and this is a shift in dynamics.

Remember to grey rock “If you want storage for your van and other items you need to find some and pay for it, we aren’t free storage for anyone anymore”.

Regarding the DC “If you don’t want to look after them that’s fine, we allowed it as we thought you wanted a relationship with them just like you looked after all the other grandchildren when they were younger.”

Rinse and repeat.

If they keep on I would switch to “If you mention this again we’ll be dropping the van off the end of the week as I’m sick of the sight of it after X years it depresses me.”

Thanks both. I said to DH I just know my Mum will be spiteful and I’m ruminating.

That you are worrying about a spiteful reaction from your mother speaks volumes.

Would you ever behave like that toward your DC? Of course not. So don’t put up with it either.

If DM decides to become spiteful, cut the contact down. That's where grey-rocking comes in. In the longer term, you're still of more use to them than they are to you so if DM becomes spiteful, they're the ones to lose out, especially with pet sitting. You've already said that they're to apathetic when it comes to having their grandchildren that you now make other arrangements. They're users at the end of the day and don't seem to bring a great deal to your life, sod them.

This
and remember ‘you’re been doing THEM a favour. Not the other way round.
They have no recourse with this.
You’ve saved them no end of money.

OP, I've been thinking about you this morning and the CFery of it all. I posted yesterday and mentioned that you need something in writing, as I was thinking they might just turn up with all their stuff at your new house, and pretend they didn't understand what you meant.

If it were me, I would want to (passively aggressively) add into the email something along the lines of ...while we know you have got used to not having to pay for storgae, with DH & I saving you money on storage fees for the last x years, we now really do need to be able to access all the space at our new property as and when we need it, therefore that agreement needs to come to an end for our own financial/ business needs on [insert date again].

I would want (need) to remind them that they have benefited very well financially from your generosity up to now, because they will be of the mindset that you are unreasonable, and I'm sure they won't be slow to tell you!

Parents like this make you doubt yourself, and when you pluck up the courage to point out that they have behaved selfishly or unreasonably, they have a real talent for turning it around amd making out that you're the one with the problem / that you're grateful for "everything" they've done.

I'd be interested to know how it all goes & how they respond if you'll be happy to share.

Sorry - I'm aware I have done a fair bit of projecting in this post, but your parents seem so similar to mine, and I totally understand your angst of having to challenge them.

Agree.
Literacy and comprehension is often so poor on MN.
Astoundingly poor.

Hard to believe how mean you would have to be to want to profit from a loan being repaid by your own child.
It really is low class behaviour.

OP, i think you are a classic "boiled frog analogy" type person and have just been rared to expect so little from them.

Space would do you so much good, also some therapy.

Being afraid of your mother's likely nastiness is abusive relationship stuff, and so speaks to whom they are and how you were rared.

I bet your husband sees them for the low class people they are.

I wouldn't want them involved with my children.

If they use the caravan so little that it’s stuck in your garden for years then surely they just need to sell it. Same with the furniture if they’ve moved since it’s been stored with you. They simply don’t need this stuff. It feels like marking your territory or exerting control.

Totally agree with @Whatisgoingonhere that a casually spiteful parent is a terrible thing and you should start protecting yourself from the past and potential damage she has caused.

Hope you're having a better day OP and that the night time stresses have eased.
Just keep reminding yourself that you've done nothing wrong and that you and your DH are a team together. You're simply taking back the power they've taken from you by dumping their stuff at yours. #nodebate can at times be a useful mantra 😎

It is only to easy to let planning for all eventualities become ruminating. And for it to put you on continuous alert.
You could get your message written even if not sent. Switch off WhatsApp notifications. Find something that will occupy your mind or just have a day with your immediate family or turn to gin/wine.
I hope that you manage to have a more relaxing day today.

They popped round this afternoon for something unrelated and I had it out with them.

My Dad asked if I didn’t have space at the new place with all the acreage we’ll have. I just went over what’s been put here. The space is occupied by the business already, it’s not vacant and to let them have it would be at a loss to us, it’s a huge investment we need a return, you lent me 35k and wanted a return, we’re making an enormous investment and need a return. I said I was disappointed they’ve bought a property and not factored this in - my Mum said they do have space at their new house. I said great problem solved 😂 she is short sighted some time.

My Mum said they have enough on right now without worrying about this - i said we’re about to uproot our young family and sorry, but their van isn’t a priority for us.

Mum said they “don’t have much” at our house. I said it’s an enormous van!!!

I also said I was disappointed they knew we weren’t happy and I’ve kept it out of loyalty and fear of upsetting Dad but that they know DH doesn’t like it and resents it and that’s caused tension for us which isn’t fair.

I said there’s lots of storage options locally.

Something that struck me was when I said anything we store for you FOC is a loss for us. They didn’t say “we’ll pay if that’s the issue” they just didn’t really respond - so they clearly wouldn’t pay otherwise they’d have said “we’ll pay if that’s the issue”.

Feel much better now, having a Prosecco in my lovely garden. DH said it all needed saying ages ago but is glad it’s been said now.

Thanks all - appreciate the support of objective strangers on the web.

Well done, enjoy your prosecco it’s well deserved

Good for you, you’ve said what you should have said ages ago!
You all know the score now 👍🏻

Did they agree to take it then? All seems still on the table at the moment!

Yes they did and they didn’t really have any come back. Especially when my Mum said they do have room, I was like great 😂😂

Good. Let us know when ! Enjoy your prosecco.

You deserve that drink and some.
Well done OP.
I think you have learnt a lot from this.
Well done for mentioning how they felt the need to profit from their own child getting on the housing ladder.

When your children are that age, believe me, you will be astounded even more that they could do it to you.

Your move will really be a fresh start.