Would you charge your parents rent in these circumstances?

[TheSummerof25]

Long story short for the past 8 years my parents have stored (both inside and out) a number of large items/vehicles at our house. One in particular (a huge caravan) blocks our view and I WFH, without it, i have a lovely open aspect and can watch my chickens and the wildlife on my front from my office window. With it, all I can see is the bloody caravan. They know we don’t like it, we’ve reluctantly tolerated it because they’re our parents.

They do help with childcare, but tbh it’s got to the point where they moan so much and have other priorities we don’t bother asking, for example over the summer I’ve just sent them to clubs where they should have been with parents because their apathy was so apparent - it was four days of the summer I’d asked for.

We look after their pets when they go away, we pay a sitter for ours as we know “how busy” my retired parents are. Whereas we just slot it in.

When I bought a house early in my career, I with much lower pay, they lent me £35k for the deposit. I paid it back within 4 years (moved in with now DH and sold my house) but they charged me “rent” proportionally to the value of the house before it sold. DH always thought this was mean. Both parents retired at 55 and have had several inheritances which have mostly funded the stuff dumped at our house - my point they’re comfortable and have reliable income streams.

Now we’re moving, into a house with an income stream to support retirement plans and they have assumed they can continue to store all their junk, but not only that, want an upgrade of dry storage for all items. Storage is used by the business and so there is a loss associated with letting them have that for free. I said they could get planning and build their own barn, but they don’t want the expense. DH has looked and storage for all their items is easily in the region of £350 per month if not more. He said they can store it but they have to pay - like they charged me rent. This move is a huge investment from us and is with a long term view.

I’m reluctant to charge them, but equally don’t think waterproof items which are now stored outside should be prioritised for items we actually need to store for the business. It will create a gap for us. Parents think we could just make it work. Although haven’t enquired how.

YABU - you can’t charge your parents storage
YANBU - they’ve had 8 years free and can put their hands in their pocket.

Brace yourself for some kind of fake emergency or illness. Classic response. Or your Dad calling to say ‘your mother can’t stop crying because of all this.’

See this as something positive @TheSummerof25 Your parents are now in no doubt as to what you think and what you expect from them in terms of getting their stuff moved. As a pp says, anticipate an attempt by them to frame your response to their behaviour, rather than the behaviour itself as the problem - eg, you're being unkind and ungrateful after everything they've done for you. Don't play into it.

As well as grey rock, deploy broken record, a 1970s/1980s reference to scratched vinyl, which tends to jump back on itself when played. Broken record involves repetition in words and ideally intonation, eg "we understand that you aren't happy about having to move your stuff. But we want it all gone by such and such a date. If it isn't, we will make our own arrangements to dispose of it." Keep saying it, maintain a manner that's polite, calm and immovable - and repeat every time the subject comes up.

I'd also stick with the pronouns "I" and "we" to give the impression (not unwarranted, by the sound of it) that you're the lead in this regard and if your parents want an argument, they can bring it to you. Now they've had an unfiltered view of what you think, it won't be as easy for them to construe your DH as the dominant force. And as pps suggest, if you say you'll do something, make sure you do it.

I was ranting about the situation to him, not at him!

And I think it’s normal to be a bit frustrated being repeatedly interrupted when working and on calls - I was dealing with six figure sums being sent out not having a quiet day!

@Tortielady i have suggested to DH he sends a message just to reiterate what I’ve said as they would just accept what he said. They wanted to speak to me because they know I’m more likely to fold.

You’re both chosing to interpret this in the worst way. It’s pretty clear I was ranting about the situation not at my DH.

But maybe they are revising their view of you. They've heard some of your unfiltered opinions and by your own account, you don't come over as anyone's patsy. But you can have both; having your OH put in writing what you've said will give the desired impression that you and he have talked about this at length and are in agreement about how to handle things. That certainly won't hurt, especially if your parents realise a strategy of divide and rule isn't going to work for them. In any case, it's a good idea to have things in writing in case of any legal fallout later on.

Legal fallout?! What are they going to do, invoke their rights under the Cheeky Fucker Statute? Sue their own child for refusing to continue accommodating all their old shit for free?

The fact that they heard you expressing your real feelings about them and their stuff, I'd say that is a job well done, and also well overdue.

The fact that you were repeatedly interrupted while working and in a meeting needs addressing. If you change the gate code so your parents can't just march in whenever they like, then you should (hopefully) remove the need for your kids and DH to barge into your office, but they all need a reminder that when you are working the office is out of bounds. I'd be changing that gate code and locking my office when working asap.

OP, sounds so frustrating in the middle of the work day. WTF.

I think it is a good result. They needed to hear you are done.
You need space from these people.

They have hugely spoiled your view which is just so selfish.
Selfish people only get worse as they age.
Time they saw you put your husband and family first.

They are bullys. Not nice.
Well done.

It made perfect sense to me. My DH and I will sometimes say to each other “can I have a rant”, just because sometimes you need someone to listen to you offload and not take it as directed at them.

I’m inclined to think that your parents overhearing could turn out for the best. You’ve indirectly managed to tell them exactly how you feel without having a direct confrontation with them about it where they would argue back.

You keep saying your parents aren’t bad people, but their behaviour over this suggests otherwise. I can’t get over your mum threatening revenge. I understand that when these are your parents and this is your only experience of having parents that it’s difficult to judge because you don’t have anything to compare it to, but their treatment of you is fundamentally not okay. They don’t really act like parents, they view you as a resource and someone they can manipulate. At least your mum does it seems.

Well stop it!

Rant AT THEM about the situation, not at your H - why should he hear something he has been annoyed at for years?

You and your parents have caused this stupid situation - respect your H enough to have a go straight at them, not wimp out and tell him what he already knows

You're absolutely right, it is, but these are your parents and after all DH has put up with I guess he might have appreciated you fielding this one just for once

And now you want him to message them to reiterate what you've said??
I'd say why not do it yourself, but it seems the message has been received anyway which is no bad thing

I mean this gently, OP, but it's very obvious that you'll do almost anything to avoid confrontation with these people and it really doessn't have to be like that.
You can't do anything about their behaviour, but if you and DH can stick together on it all and jointly make your position clear their own reactions are purely a matter for them

And I'll say again that moving further away sounds excellent all round

OP has said she was in the middle of working and couldn’t go downstairs and it’s quite clear the rant wasn’t aimed at him but at her parents. Not sure why you and other posters are twisting it into something it wasn’t.

I think I would take this as an opportunity to say you can’t store all of their things because you nee the space for your business- it’s absolutely true.

"I don’t want to upset them and it wasn’t delivered well. But they have been v selfish in knowing we both hate the van and leaving it there because it suits them."

You may not want to upset them but that can't be avoided without you upsetting your husband. You have to deal because what they want is not what you want.

I think it's a good thing they overheard. They got a unvarnished view of how you feel about them pushing their hoard onto you. They know that you and your husband are of the same mind on storing their stuff.

Their interrupting your work day is really inappropriate and boundary stomping. You're going to have to put up more boundaries with them about that.

I don't think you quite get that your parents don't really see you as separate. Their wishes are your wishes and you are going to have to put up more boundaries with them and stick to them. That is going to upset them. Read up on fear, obligation, and guilt.

Wow. Just tell them you don’t want to store their stuff anymore. They are massive piss takers. Stop being a doormat.

This is a bit shit on your husband, you cant just hide away and make him deal with it no matter how "busy" you were.

If you had the time to rant in earshot of your mum, you had the time to go speak to them.

Your husband is taking a lot of shit on behalf.

It’s not fair on your DH to be ordered to send them a text message. You both need to address the situation together. Face to face. Don’t back down. Your future business, children and marriage is your priority now not storing some junk for your entire extended family.

I was in between calls working! Would you expect me to leave a place of work and storm home to intervene?

Suggesting, is not ordering 🙄

I know I'm not the poster you asked, but in a genuine emergeny yes I would - and while this situation may not strictly qualify, it might well feel that way to a DH who's already put up with so much

TBH your posts suggest there's always a reason why setting out your expectations is resisted, and even the overheard rant - worthwhile as it was - was an accident

I'd gently suggest you need to be careful, OP; I too was married to someone who'd do everything posssible to shirk resisting his DM's uglier behaviour and it didn't end well

@TheSummerof25 If they are dragging their feet, can you tell them that you'll sell/give it away if they don't move it by the date you gave them? Also how are you planning to stop them doing the same at your new address, although you could say that anything dumped on you will again be given away/sold.
Might make them think twice?

@Puzzledandpissedoff I deal with massive financial investments and was in the middle part of completing two transactions which were dependent on the other. It would have been negligent for me to walk away for anything other than a dire emergency. I just needed ten minutes. I sort of need to keep my job!!! It’s absolutely not professional to abandon ship because your parents have rocked up. Unless they’re having a heart attack. You would not expect someone to leave the office away from home in the same circumstances.

Um they are HER parents, maybe read the thread?