Would you charge your parents rent in these circumstances?

[TheSummerof25]

Long story short for the past 8 years my parents have stored (both inside and out) a number of large items/vehicles at our house. One in particular (a huge caravan) blocks our view and I WFH, without it, i have a lovely open aspect and can watch my chickens and the wildlife on my front from my office window. With it, all I can see is the bloody caravan. They know we don’t like it, we’ve reluctantly tolerated it because they’re our parents.

They do help with childcare, but tbh it’s got to the point where they moan so much and have other priorities we don’t bother asking, for example over the summer I’ve just sent them to clubs where they should have been with parents because their apathy was so apparent - it was four days of the summer I’d asked for.

We look after their pets when they go away, we pay a sitter for ours as we know “how busy” my retired parents are. Whereas we just slot it in.

When I bought a house early in my career, I with much lower pay, they lent me £35k for the deposit. I paid it back within 4 years (moved in with now DH and sold my house) but they charged me “rent” proportionally to the value of the house before it sold. DH always thought this was mean. Both parents retired at 55 and have had several inheritances which have mostly funded the stuff dumped at our house - my point they’re comfortable and have reliable income streams.

Now we’re moving, into a house with an income stream to support retirement plans and they have assumed they can continue to store all their junk, but not only that, want an upgrade of dry storage for all items. Storage is used by the business and so there is a loss associated with letting them have that for free. I said they could get planning and build their own barn, but they don’t want the expense. DH has looked and storage for all their items is easily in the region of £350 per month if not more. He said they can store it but they have to pay - like they charged me rent. This move is a huge investment from us and is with a long term view.

I’m reluctant to charge them, but equally don’t think waterproof items which are now stored outside should be prioritised for items we actually need to store for the business. It will create a gap for us. Parents think we could just make it work. Although haven’t enquired how.

YABU - you can’t charge your parents storage
YANBU - they’ve had 8 years free and can put their hands in their pocket.

Agree.
They don’t believe you @TheSummerof25
The smirk was ‘ye right , as if we’re going ti take any notice of you , Summer. ‘
Its what pushy and bullying people do.
I honestly can’t believe what I m reading about these parents.
My kids (adults now) are amazing people and I would do anything to help them in life. …. they have absolutely no respect for you …. ( let your dh handle this - the FOG is too ingrained).

Well they’ve nipped to ours (I was working) and quizzed DH re when we are moving, which I absolutely agree is with a view to delaying things. 3 weeks is ample time to move their stuff and they do have the room on their drive!

I hope your DH gave them short shrift!!!

why?

Agree they won’t move it… But do not leave it for the new owners.
Legally the new owners can bill you for anything left in your house, that they have to pay ti get rid of.
that’s why it’s called ‘Vacant possession ‘

Hoarders hate moving their stuff. It really bothers them. They find it intrusive.

Perfect opportunity to say you can't take the items with you. Blame the business insurance.

And possibly get some therapy to help you stand up to them?

If you need additional resolution, I think focusing on the needs of your kids will really help OP.

Kids learn what they see, not what they're told. You've been showing them that its normal to let people you are in close relationships with walk all over you. That it's normal to never say no or to stick up for yourself for fear of conflict. That when people who love you treat you badly, the appropriate response is to just put up with it.

Exposing them to this will greatly increase their odds of ending up in dysfunctional and harmful relationships when they are older - because deep down they think that's normal.

Do some googling about this and use what you learn as ammunition when your (honestly appalling) parents inevitably push back. You've got a brilliant opportunity here to model the opposite for them e.g.

"GPs havent been behaving kindly towards me, so I'm going to communicate my boundaries and then hold them. I'm not going to cause any conflict, but I can't control how they respond - thats up to them. Oh, now they're saying unkind things to me (when they kick off) - I'm not going to put up with that so ill give them some space and hopefully they'll calm down".

Truly the best of luck OP. Time to break the cycle xx

I’m not sure if they’re hoarders but they definitely accumulate a lot of crap. I have moved home so much in the last ten years I take the view - would I want to move this to a new house, if the answer is no, I get rid.

I think you need to face the fact that there may be conflict in the short term, but you really do owe it to your own husband and children to let them have their own home, not force them to live perpetually in your parents’ overspill shed.

Interesting that they're trying divide and rule - challenging your DH when you're not there. Maybe worth you both agreeing on a script to rinse and repeat when challenged. They'll look for any gaps - "ah but he said..."

I do agree that my husbands wishes must be put at the forefront now. My Mum would never had allowed my Dad to side with my grandparents and my Dad wouldn’t have either.

It must be quite a shock to hear so many critical comments from strangers about your parents. Such a lot to digest and reassess. Well done on being able to 'hear' what's being said and to actually make changes

Stuff it all in the caravan and tow it to their house.

I really wouldn't make it a big deal. Just laugh it off it they complain about not storing their stuff. Say that that you are dreaming of a minimalist home as dont want any crap cluttering up. Just say it with a smile. 😊

If they push you, say they have their own house to store their gear.

Just be friendly firm.

I'm glad that you've made it clear to your parents, OP. I hope they listen. I would also consider what you will do if they just ignore you, and don't move anything at all. DH may be able to park the van in the nearby lay-by, but that doesn't deal with all their furniture and boxes etc. You will have to move this out of the house when you sell it, as you have to give the buyers vacant possession.

I would now leave managing the movement of their stuff to your DH, if he can be businesslike with them and dodge the emotional blackmail and manipulation from your Mum.

If he’s up for it.

@MrsOvertonsWindow
thanks - I think it’s easy to write them off on the basis of one post. They’re not behaving particularly well here but they’re not fundamentally bad people.

i do recognise re my DH though - I’ve been caught in the middle but should have stuck up for him.

And not throw him under the bus- ie not that he doesn’t like this or that stored; you both don’t like that

In some respects OP the back story, while very interesting, isn't relevant. Mum, dad, I love you but we're moving and we're not taking your stuff with us so please make alternative arrangements. The end. Take a big deep breath and do it. Nice caring parents would understand. Selfish ones may kick off but let them deal with their own feelings and practical issues. They're grown ups. Good luck

This. That was then, this is now.

"They were a bit blindsided and my Mum had a smirk that told me she was plotting her revenge. I’m sure I won’t yet know the full extent of the repercussions."

Worst case - she'll write you out of the Will.
Medium case - she'll dump their stuff in your new house (or is this worst case?)
Best case - she'll take great pleasure in refusing anymore childcare.

Whatever her 'revenge' is, I'm glad you are standing firm and together on this.

If they say they're no longer doing childcare, just shrug and say, "Okay." No emotion, no negotiating, just quiet acceptance.

How easy is the gate code to change? I'd consider having a code for when family is visiting, but otherwise setting it to something else (assuming it's easy to change.) At least until things have settled and you're sure they won't be rocking up with more of their stuff.

Nope, just honest. People like you prefer to pretend you're "nice" while making snippy comments at strangers. I realise that shocking someone with the truth sometimes works, and little else does.

I don’t usually comment on MN, but I’m gobsmacked at this behaviour from your parents! Transactional, along with a good dose of emotional blackmail and blatant disregard for you and your poor husband!

I’d say you need to be prepared that they will just refuse to move all of their stuff, not just by the date given, but at all.

They will probably assume you will move it all for them, at your cost, and if they dig in their heels, the guilt and obligation you feel towards your parents means you will do just that.

You need to preempt this and be clear with them the consequences - put this all in writing. Whether it means lots given to charities or whatever…not your issue!

You need to stop being so passive and support your husband, who honestly deserves a gold medal for putting up with this!! It’s a partnership and you’ve ignored his wishes for too long. And as a pp said, don’t throw him under the bus, say WE aren’t continuing this set up anymore.

And you need to set a better example for your DC. Don’t be passive and put up with toxic behaviour. Model the behaviour you’d want to see from your children in similar situations.

Good luck!