Would you charge your parents rent in these circumstances?

[TheSummerof25]

Long story short for the past 8 years my parents have stored (both inside and out) a number of large items/vehicles at our house. One in particular (a huge caravan) blocks our view and I WFH, without it, i have a lovely open aspect and can watch my chickens and the wildlife on my front from my office window. With it, all I can see is the bloody caravan. They know we don’t like it, we’ve reluctantly tolerated it because they’re our parents.

They do help with childcare, but tbh it’s got to the point where they moan so much and have other priorities we don’t bother asking, for example over the summer I’ve just sent them to clubs where they should have been with parents because their apathy was so apparent - it was four days of the summer I’d asked for.

We look after their pets when they go away, we pay a sitter for ours as we know “how busy” my retired parents are. Whereas we just slot it in.

When I bought a house early in my career, I with much lower pay, they lent me £35k for the deposit. I paid it back within 4 years (moved in with now DH and sold my house) but they charged me “rent” proportionally to the value of the house before it sold. DH always thought this was mean. Both parents retired at 55 and have had several inheritances which have mostly funded the stuff dumped at our house - my point they’re comfortable and have reliable income streams.

Now we’re moving, into a house with an income stream to support retirement plans and they have assumed they can continue to store all their junk, but not only that, want an upgrade of dry storage for all items. Storage is used by the business and so there is a loss associated with letting them have that for free. I said they could get planning and build their own barn, but they don’t want the expense. DH has looked and storage for all their items is easily in the region of £350 per month if not more. He said they can store it but they have to pay - like they charged me rent. This move is a huge investment from us and is with a long term view.

I’m reluctant to charge them, but equally don’t think waterproof items which are now stored outside should be prioritised for items we actually need to store for the business. It will create a gap for us. Parents think we could just make it work. Although haven’t enquired how.

YABU - you can’t charge your parents storage
YANBU - they’ve had 8 years free and can put their hands in their pocket.

'Wonderful' parents don't look for ways to profit off their children and take advantage of them.

You have space for your things; not theirs. It's your space; not theirs.

I'd make this clear and refuse to store anything for any family members going forward.

I speak as an adult child of two deeply selfish parents.

Your parents will continue to mistreat you so long as you let them.

As difficult as it is to set boundaries with them, I think you have to focus your attention on your husband. This is deeply unfair to him. How would you feel if this were your in-laws doing this?

You and your husband deserve to have a nice view, and you have the right to protect the property that you bought and paid for. It is yours, not your parents.

Now that their stuff is back with them, it is the perfect opportunity to keep it that way. This is not your problem anymore, so don't let it become one.

This isn't about asking them to pay rent (which they never, ever would). It's about finding the respect for yourself that your parents have never given you.

With parents like this, the relationship is completely one-sided. The only way to keep the peace is to live your life on their terms. When you set normal boundaries, you are met with guilt and manipulation tactics until you cave to their demands. Does giving in and avoiding that pushback from them really make you happy? That's like always giving a toddler a lollipop to avoid having to deal with a tantrum.

You mention that your parents don't care if your DH is unhappy. They don't care if you are unhappy either. The only ones they care about are themselves.

So, DH doesn't like the situation. You don't either. Are you really happier just giving in to your parents to avoid a conflict? Does avoiding that conflict and letting them always have their way bring happiness to you?

They’ve actually been on Google maps to try and ascertain if their van can get in our new barn

TBH I'd have been more surprised if they hadn't, but well done for telling them it's all got to go

I recognise what you said about the smirk - my late, exMIL was just the same - and understand that you'd rather not have had this conflict at all, but unfortunately the only way to avoid that is to continue enabling them and that's not acceptable

As said earlier this move really is a blessing in that it gives a proper cut-off date rather than it all being dragged on any longer, so as long as you stick to your guns it'll all work out in the end

I agree with this. It's so important now to not minimise any of their appalling behaviours.

Can you get some therapy and discuss Fear, Obligation and Guilt ('FOG')? Because I think they have programmed you to do what they want (or face 'consequences') and some deeper understanding of this and coping strategies could really help you enjoy the rest of your life more - and remove the obvious strain they place on your marriage.

Google FOG and look at some of the behaviours - time to break the cycle.

@TheSummerof25 start filling their caravan with all the furniture which they have stored at yours. I wouldnt put it past them to just appear with the caravan when you are not at home so that is the best reason of all not to give them the pass codes to open the gates or the barn!! please come back and let us know how the move goes!!

Honestly she sounds awful.

I agree with others you just need to batten down the hatches now and stay the course / weather ilthe inevitable storm thwts coming.

And Do not give them access codes to new property

I'm so PLEASED that you're sticking up for yourself. Usually in threads like these, the op just folds. But you're being appropriately assertive. They are, without a doubt, CFs and I bet they are in other contexts too

I think you a very deep in "Fear, Obligation and Guilt".

They sound seriously awful users, and so cheap.
This is not normal behaviour.

I feel very sorry for your husband, he sounds like he has tolerated years of the worst behaviour.
I can only imagine what his real honest opinion of your parents really is.

Time to pull away.
Bring nothing with you.
It is worth a row.
Change the code.
They are too cheap, users, and have zero respect for either you or your husband.
They sound ghastly.
Time to wake up and cut the cord.

You really need to know that you can say no but also be respectful to your parents at the same time. I think you feel guilty and are worrying that you are being a bad daughter.
its all about how you deal with this, you don’t need to get into an argument, you don’t need to get rude or belligerent even if they try and draw you in.
You can just firmly and quietly keep repeating and IGNORE the bad behaviour that comes back. This part is important - you can ignore their behaviour and not rise to it just keep saying no that doesn’t work for us.
eventually it will dry out, I think it maybe called grey rocking??

How can they be “our parents?!” I’m going to presume you haven’t married your sibling

I'm so glad you've bought this up and given them a deadline.

Start preparing for all the little digs over the next few days

We do lots for you - yes and we appreciate what you do.

We have no where to store stuff - neither do we

It will block my view - it blocked mine

We've just bought a house and it doesn't fit - that's what we are doing.

Answer them with no room for argument back.

Nip every single comment. Remind them in 4 weeks of your deadline and ask them for their plan.

Don't back down.

🙄

OP you have saved them thousands in storage costs over the years.
Well done for finally standing up to them. Agree to use the grey rock technique to help stick to your guns.

FFS.

Hard agree with this reaction.

I think you must be lost. Pedants corner is that way ➡️

To be honest I'd prepare for them not to move anything and assume you will just move it for them when you move. With this in mind I would be prepared a day or two before you move to move the Van and trailer into the lay-by opersit your house and put as much stuff off theirs into them. If they won't all fit leave them for your new owners they may appreciate extra furniture if they are upgrading house and need extra furniture.

Just leaving it for the new owners is a shitty thing to do to the new owners and exposes OP to risk. Technically the new owners will have to jump through hoops to dispose of anything they don't want without opening themselves up to civil suits from OP's parents. If they do jump through those hoops can then claim storage, disposal and legal costs off OP.

Out of all the OP's posts that is the one thing you took away from this thread, sheesh 🤦‍♀️

When it comes to the move and what gets moved to storage, left behind or left in the van, make sure there's nothing left on the road outside your old property. From what you tell us about your DM, I wouldn't put it past her to create a fly-tipping situation just for the fun of upsetting you and getting you into trouble with the local authority. She's unlikely to care if your buyers get caught up in it all too. As you probably know, councils are quite tough on fly-tipping (which is understandable) and householders make softer targets than, say, dodgy waste removal firms or family members who use other people's property as a storage depot. Make sure the road outside the property is absolutely immaculate before you leave and there are no nasty surprises for your buyers.

The “revenge comment” says it all OP. Good luck over the coming months.

Deleted as just realised I'd missed a critical post from OP.

That revenge might be your family not moving their stuff in a timely manner from your old property.

You might want to send a letter via whatever form of registered mail you have that the home is being sold and all their property needs to be removed by x date before the new owners take possession. Check on the legalities of just having it hauled away if they don't or disposal of it without liability to you because it seems like they deliberately like to fuck with you financially, like charging you rent on your own home. It's time to get serious with them and you're just going to have to be ready for conflict.

They want covered storage for their hoard on your property? I'm glad you've told them no, it seems like they're getting more and more irrational with thinking what's yours is theirs.

Well it may be disbelief rather than a look of revenge. In fairness, you’ve said it before countless times and been worn down into backtracking
I very much doubt they are taking you seriously just yet OP

Agree with all of this. Lots of little passive aggressive digs.