MIL on holiday with us at the moment but all she has done is mope

[Summerispantsthisyear]

We’re currently on holiday somewhere in Greece & have bought my husband’s Mum (who I get on with well) with us for around a week, she was widowed late last year & we thought it would be a lovely break for her, she’s close to our child (& we do not expect childcare at all) . We’ve paid for her flights & accommodation in a beautiful apartment but all she has done is sit on her own, barely spoken to any of us & wallow in almost self pity, making it really difficult for us to enjoy the first part of our family holiday. She took it upon herself without asking to invite a niece & partner of hers who are staying close by to join us at our apartment for drinks today but they’re now not coming, she’s upset & frankly I’ve found the whole first part of the trip exhausting having to tread on eggshells the entire time. I absolutely hate to sound selfish & thought we were doing the right thing but it’s been an absolute disaster & I feel horrible. I had an honest chat with her last night hoping things would change today but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears & we’re all back to square one. I feel awful even writing this but need to get it off my chest.

And ‘she took it on herself’ to invite her niece remember! Whatever ‘took it on herself means’, was she meant to ask permission?

OP I'd have been more sympathetic to you if you hadn't used the phrase "wallow in almost self pity" about a woman who has lost her life partner a few short months ago.

I’ve lost plenty of close people and I just wouldn’t go and be a downer on someone elses hard earned holiday, even if that’s what I felt inside.
I either wouldn’t go or I’d put a smile on and make the best of it.

Absolutely this.

It's getting on for 5 years since my DP died. I still get blindsided by things that throw me back into a deep grief: places where we'd had happy times, things that we used to do together, things that I come across and know he would have loved.

There's no expiry date on grief, and it comes bubbling up to the surface unexpectedly, and knocks me for six.

*brought

Are you trolling? The woman is grieving!

I voted YANBU. My own DM booked and paid for a family holiday after DF died. She was still grieving and struggling to cope without him at home. I think she did it to take her mind off it a bit and create some happy memories, with us and DGC. Yes, we got to hear about every holiday herself and DF had taken, the happy times they had, what they ate, lol. We barely left her on her own, only when she insisted she was fine to sit by the pool by herself. No sulking. Some sadness, obviously.
Yes, everyone is different and perhaps when she accepted the holiday she thought she'd be ok about it, but reality has hit. It's not fair on the rest of you but it is what it is now.
I know you're close to her OP but does she have a close relationship with your DH/her DS? Maybe she'd like to reminisce about family holidays with him, made a fuss of.

Trolling because I have a different opinion?

I went away for a week with my elderly grandparents not long after DH died. I did my absolute best to put on a brave face. As difficult as it was for me I had no intention of spoiling a trip they’d looked forward to for so long. It wouldn't have been fair to them. I was suffering but I didn’t want them to.

My mother is of that generation (cusp of Boomer/Silent) and is exactly as the PP described. She went from parents home aged 20 to her marital home and is now in her 80s learning to navigate the 21st century and it's complexities completely unprepared for the challenge on her own. She didn't go to uni, she didn't have relationship breakups, she didn't have a career or any form of paid job.

The thing with generalisations is that there will always be some exceptions. Great for you and your friends if it doesn't apply to you. It does to a huge proportion of women born in the 1940s, whichever side of the split between generations.

I feel sad for your MIL as she’s clearly grieving and she will gradually learn to live with the death but she probably won’t ‘get over it’.

I mean I lost my lovely Mum in sept 2023 & when I went on holiday last month it was all good except for the one time I found myself swimming in the sea crying my eyes out because my Mum loved the sea. I’m definitely not over it really and it’s nearly 2 years!

So I think when it’s a partner who’s died and it’s less than a year it must feel awful & so hard to try and ‘put on a brave face’ for others when she sounds quite depressed to me.

Basically stop actually treading on eggshells so much but keep on being kind to your MIL, then after this break unfortunately you probably shouldn’t invite her away again until more time has passed if her grief is an issue for you.

I agree, it's so recent. She must still be very raw.

Well, OP hasn’t come back, so she’s either having a much better time on holiday than she expected - in which case, problem solved - or she didn’t get quite the universal chorus of “Poor you! How dare MIL ruin your holiday” that she hoped for.

Then you should know that no two people will experience grief the same and sweeping statements like ‘Then she shouldn’t have gone. Seeing as she did, she doesn’t have the right to spoil it for anyone else’ aren’t appropriate. Grief isn’t a linear process and she may have thought she could cope, and when she got there, found she couldn’t. You’re entitled to your opinion, but that doesn’t mean it’s particularly kind.

I have sneaking suspicion it’s the latter. I do wonder whether she would feel the same if this was her own mother, and I also wonder how her DH is coping, as it would seem that he’s lost his father.

How do you know she is “wallowing in self pity”?

This. And I think it brings home what is probably the reality for MiL - that this is probably the first time in her adult life she has ever been alone. I lost my DH eight years ago after over forty years together. I went straight from living with parents to getting married and moving into the marital home. DH and I had been together since I was seventeen and the first thing that hit me was that I had never actually lived alone. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t lost a life partner can really understand how much your life changes. You don’t just lose a partner, you lose a whole way of life and it takes time to adjust and work through the rollercoaster that is the grieving process. Judging by some of the callousness on this thread there are quite a few people here who haven’t figured out yet that when you’re in a relationship you have a 50/50 chance of experiencing the death of your partner, that it can be at a moments’ notice, and who will struggle to cope if they are the one left behind.

I’ve seen the term used on several threads to do with the treatment of grieving friends and family members. Such empathy !!

Wow. She’s grieving and it doesnt fit with the happy holiday scenario, so let’s send her home alone !! Christ.

@stayathomerand checking the insurance policy first of course . I honestly believe plenty of marriages and live in partners these days particularly amongst under 50s areasharing costs business like arrangement

Wow. There are some real arseholes on here.

Maybe she just wants to be amongst her family.. Maybe she couldn't face being left alone in an empty house. @Thanksman is right and her son wanted her to be with them all.not able to leave hiss Mum on her own.
His mother will benefit from being among them all. It's a comfort for her.

MIL shouldn't have accepted the (very kind) holiday invitation if she wasn't prepared to at least try to enjoy herself.
I don't suppose anyone forced her to go
She should have stayed at home either in silent contemplation or offloading onto someone - ideally someone outside the family.

And her emotionally dense ds and dil shouldn’t have offered if they weren’t prepared to help or accept her.

bit rich to attack them when they are the ones making huge efforts and trying to help her

Are they?

Theyve taken her on holiday with no understanding at all of how grief affects people or how she might behave. Then they expect her to be all happy and fun.

Dont see much huge effort on their part. Why did they take her if they’re just going to moan?