OH wants to give 3 months old to his mothers for a week

[mummymanic]

Hi all,

im due to have DC4 in March and I’ve got a holiday booked for end of June. I’ve asked OH if he would be okay with all 4 kids and he said “send them to your mums” in questioned him and said “even the baby?” to which he agreed.

this will be our 1st child together. AIBU to think that this is what it’ll be like moving forward and that he won’t want to take care of the child/ren when I want some “me time” and he’ll fob them off to either of our parents? He thinks it’s normal because his nephew spends majority of the week at his mum’s and I keep explaining to him that it’s really not the norm and a newborn should be at home with parents.

trying not to stress about it but it’s really upset me. considering bringing the baby with me abroad but dunno how I’ll manage (also not told anybody im travelling with yet).

Why do you need a holiday with a 3 month old baby? Surely, the baby needs you in its first year to make sure all is well with both of you. Of course, your 'partner' could babysit or one of the mum's help out but I would have thought you were the main protagonist in this story and in the first year of the baby's life?!

I think you’re both as bad as each other and I feel for the kids.

No one I know would have willingly left their 3 month old for a week for “me time.” Babies are tiny and helpless at that age, let alone the fact that they might be breastfeeding. I don’t understand someone who has 4 kids but can’t at least make it to 6 months without leaving their tiny baby with an unwilling partner.

If I’d had to travel for a family funeral or work disaster that would be different, but a week’s optional holiday, absolutely no way. You’ve got the rest of the poor child’s life for that.

Basically what you’re saying is it okay for you the fob the kids off (me time) but not him.

To be pragmatic, surely the newborn would be better looked after by a Grandmother than him ?

Yes, because I have parents who still work and a partner who works away midweek so I've never got to have child free weekends and breaks, I should be deemed a person who is abusive to my child because I won't fuck off on a girls holiday for a week.

Go fuck yourself.

Could he not get together with the father of the other three children and cobble together a DadsUnitedTeam to deal with all four of your children?

🙂

Why?

Don't leave your baby with anyone.You are showing a first time Dad that you just leave your baby and children with a relative and do your own thing , that is not the norm.
You are the mother and you have 3 other children that you are responsible for .
Cancel your holiday.
Do you want another baby ? Does he want to be a Dad ?

You must have only just found out that you are pregnant yet you seem more concerned with your holiday than with the pregnancy and new baby. Most mums wouldn't consider leaving a 3 month old baby for a whole week. Just cancel the holiday or take the little one with you. I think it's really selfish to expect your mum to look after three, presumably quite young children, plus a 3 month old baby. He sounds as bad as you if he doesn't even want to attempt to care for his own child.

You should have thought about all this before you decided to have 4 children. Cancel the holiday. Bit mean to take a baby and leave the rest behind.

I have a three month old baby. I miss her if I pop to the corner shop! What happened to the dad(s) of the other three?

I think people are being pretty harsh. If the husband was going away for a few days we’d be saying suck it up. Because she’s the mother it’s not ok? She has arranged for her mum to have the kids that are not his, but expecting him to look after his own baby is fine. My husband went away when our first was four months old, it was fine. I didn’t because I was breastfeeding but if I wasn’t and wanted to go away I should have been just as capable of doing so as my husband was.

Where is the laughing emoji when you need it?

Well yeah, basically.

I think you're getting mixed up with your sarcastic remarks about other mums relaxation being a bath and not a week long holiday, that isnt because we can't go on holiday without our baby, it's because we don't want to. I have a fully capable partner, however I wouldn't dream of voluntarily leaving my 12 week old baby. I had a few A&E trips and nights in hospital when my baby was 4 months and younger and being away from him was awful.

How many threads have their been where new mums ask if they are BU to not want their partner to go away while they have a new baby. They are always told no.
So I think YABU to go on holiday when he'll have work, not long after paternity leave. Can you shorten it to a long weekend so it would only be a couple of days leave for him to take? Maybe he could make that work. (edit, but i still think YABU. It's sooner than I think either parent should be left flying solo for multiple days and nights if at all preventable)

But YOU are wanting to leave the child too. For a week. At a very young age. Why is it ok for you to do this but not him? You want a break, maybe he does too? Can’t judge him by standards you don’t hold yourself, sorry.

Is there a big age gap between this new baby and your current youngest child? I just wonder if you've forgotton just how little a 3 month old is... At that age, they really need their mum. They're still in the process of forming their secure attachments to their primary caregivers, and a week is a long time to interrupt such a crucial process. Yes, I am being judgemental, because I think this decision is worthy of negative judgement. I think it's cruel to separate such a young baby from its mother for so long.

Me time? FFS you have 4 children including a new baby - a coffee with a friend maybe, a week away is just ridiculous. You need to live in the real world. You are VERY fortunate to have a hands on mother to help you snd a partner who is obviously involved with 3 children who aren’t his, but to leave them all for a week for a non essential trip is just selfish and entitled. Be a mother first always.

I love my children, and I love spending time with them. So I can't relate to you.

I would never have left my 3 month old for a week - I breastfeed so it would’ve been impossible 😂

Good luck with everything!

Your hormones are raging? Surely if you're not due til next March you've barely missed a period? Anyway, great to see you've managed to solve him not being able to take a week off work with the revelation of, him taking a week off work. Well done.

Really, why is that? will he have learned nothing in 3 entire months?

You came on here terribly upset that your partner was being unsupportive, and worried for your future with this man and his lack of desire to parent his own child. Then when people disagree with you for leaving your baby behind you become rude and snarky in your responses. Don't come on a public forum and expect everyone to agree with your life choices. A 3 month old needs their mother. A week away from them that young is too much.

Unfortunate not being able to get a break after 12 years I'd agree with, but after 3 months? Leaving a 3 month old baby, that will have no comprehension of where its' primary caregiver has gone, and likely be very distressed? That's just incredibly selfish, and not something I'd be bragging about tbh. Imagine being that selfish you think it's a good thing, just, wow.