OH wants to give 3 months old to his mothers for a week

[mummymanic]

Hi all,

im due to have DC4 in March and I’ve got a holiday booked for end of June. I’ve asked OH if he would be okay with all 4 kids and he said “send them to your mums” in questioned him and said “even the baby?” to which he agreed.

this will be our 1st child together. AIBU to think that this is what it’ll be like moving forward and that he won’t want to take care of the child/ren when I want some “me time” and he’ll fob them off to either of our parents? He thinks it’s normal because his nephew spends majority of the week at his mum’s and I keep explaining to him that it’s really not the norm and a newborn should be at home with parents.

trying not to stress about it but it’s really upset me. considering bringing the baby with me abroad but dunno how I’ll manage (also not told anybody im travelling with yet).

Never mind anything else
His poor Mum!

Expecting him to solo parent four children, when three of them aren't his - Yabu.
Expecting him to get on with it with your shared baby - Yanbu.

This is assuming you discussed your plans with him first and didn't just 'tell' him what you are doing. That would be disrespectful.

That’s ridiculous.

I’m all for keep doing the things that make you happy, but there’s no way on Gods earth I’d leave a 3 month old baby for a week unless I absolutely had to. A three month old is designed to be very bonded to its mother and to be distressed if it gets separated. It’s a survival mechanism, The vast vast majority of mothers’ natural instinct would to not be separated from their 3 month old baby.

Parenthood is a choice, you can’t just pick up and drop kids as you choose. Having time away is perfectly valid, but needs to be weighed up with what is best for the child and voluntarily being away from a three month old, really isn’t in the child’s best interests.

But you do you, precious few of us can relate to your decision and probably wouldn’t want to be of a mindset where we would happily leave our three month old baby to go on our jollies, evolution has made mothers that way, and most people aren’t seeing an alternative mindset as something to envy.

What happened to the other three kids Dad? Where is he in all of this?

If it's his first child he may not know how he's going to find caring for baby on his own.....has he done it for a day, overnight etc?
I get you have a few so are more relaxed....I don't get holidays without kids.... especially in the school holidays.

Your comment is offkey and badmind.

The vast majority of people do not have disabled babies severely or not.

There are other ways of expressing your censure about the OP's parenting lifestyle without the low key implication that having a severely disabled baby is the thing that will reel in the Scarlet Of Motherhood.

Or have I got it wrong and most nowadays impending mothers wish themselves a severely disabled baby if you think that the OP should actively hope against having one?

Sincerely sorry if you have a severely disabled child, but that does not give you permission to be badmind against a pregnant woman just because she.does not have the same lifestyle restrictions that you do and maybe wish you did not.

She is not to blame for that, nor is any other mother whose parenting style falls below Mother Courage - by choice.

I’m all for me time but a week away from a newborn… it’s going to be so confused why one parent is suddenly gone at at that age the basiclaly
think them and their mum is the same person. I’m saying this as someone who’s partner is very very engaged

I completely agree, I came on here expecting to support mum but honestly can't imagine going on a week's holiday and leaving one of my babies at 3 months tbh 🤷‍♀️ and no-one wants to look after 3 kids that aren't theirs at the same time as a baby.

I can’t relate to you, there’s no way I would have wanted to leave my 3mo and go on holiday.

Not their grandmother!

Why is he your other half if he won't look after his own child?

I can get that he might not want to look after the other three.

Having said that, I can't fathom why you'd want to be apart from your own three month old anyway.

Neither of you sound like you want to take responsibility for any of the kids.

See the Op's post of 14.41. They are going to her mother's house.

No not at all, I didn't say that or mean that. My response was to a pp who said it's crap if you can't leave a 12 year old.
We all love travelling and for me I like to travel with my son and have no desire to go away without him. I know not all mums have that opinion and there is no right or wrong.
Maybe what I should have said was I love holidays with my child, I know not everyone does. I have friends who would much rather a child free holiday.
I didn't mean to imply anyone who goes away without their child doesn't love them.

Why is it?

I think you have a comprehension problem here.

ITS HIS OWN CHILD.

HE SHOULD BLOODY WELL GET WITH THE PROGRAMME AND WING IT IN TERMS OF HOW TO LOOK AFTER HIS OWN BABY.

You know like every mother who gets a baby plonked on her seconds after giving birth and goes "what the fuck do I do with this thing? how the hell do I look after it".

Men are capable of looking after their own offspring without being given an instruction manual on how to do it, and if they don't they need a kick up the bloody arse not excused like this from normal day to day responsibilities because they happen to be male!

Quite frankly if he's got to three months and still not worked out how to look after his own child, then he really shouldn't be still in a relationship with the mother cos he's a waste of oxygen.

I feel sorry for ALL the children. You're both incredibly selfish.

I would expect my DH to be able to step up and do it and see nothing wrong with you being able to go except the fact that this is his first child so he hasn't been through the newborn stage with a partner let alone on his own. From never having parented a newborn to doing it on your own with 3 other children is a huge ask. You didn't go from no children to solo parenting 4 at once without getting used to it over a longer period of time. You started with 1 then 2. You are expecting him to go from 0 to 4 instantly. I suspect he very well will need support with this as would a SM who was doing the same.

I think it is hypocritical for you to be upset that he is leaving the baby with his mum whilst you're actually going on holiday. I find odd that someone would leave a 3 month old for a week.

Poor baby...mum off on holiday and dad can't be bothered. Nice all round.

Fwiw, I totally understand why you'd want a break if you have four kids....I would too. I managed to get round this issue by not having four kids.

Gently, are you sure you want to leave a 3 month old for a week OP? Of course DH needs to be able to parent without you - and of course you are entitled to a break and time to yourself, but 3 months is still really little. The fourth trimester is really important for bonding & secure attachment and it’s a long time for you to be separated.

I know you’ve mentioned taking the baby with you - maybe it would a be a good idea to keep that option on the table just in case you change your mind after the birth?

Oh right, okay I get you.

Woman shouldn’t be judged either way.

Why are you leaving your practically newborn baby home to go on holiday?

@RedToothBrush the baby hasn't been born yet how can he have learned how to deal with it. Most 1st time Mums don't navigate how to look after a baby whilst also looking after 3 others. Of course he should learn to look after his own baby once it's born but that still doesn't mean he should be able to do it solo after 3 months alongside 3 other children. At this moment he may well be worried as most prospective new parents are about how they will cope. That makes him normal not a waste of oxygen fgs

I could not and would not want to leave a 3 month old with anyone eventheor father except in exceptional circumstances.

Agree. You're moaning about him but you're going away for a week and expecting him to look after your 3 kids.