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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour asked me to babysit her child whilst she works

167 replies

kimmmym · 06/08/2025 10:27

So basically my next door neighbour has asked me to babysit her 11 month old baby whilst she works.

The baby has been in nursery but there was an incident last week (didn’t mention what) so she has now taken him out for the time being whilst she decides what to do next.

I work from home part time and also look after my toddler DC whilst OH works full time.

My neighbour has said that she will pay me and it won’t be every day as her mum will have her son some days.

She also wanted me to fast forward her an interview for my work place and was asking for details on my employer etc due to me working remotely.

I have told her I can’t do it as I am too busy with my own children and I do not want the responsibility of another child.

She said nobody helps her apart from her mum and the father of the child ( DV issues) and he has not paid any maintenance to her since the child has been born and has now also failed to collect the child for the court order arranged visits.

I do feel sorry for her as she does appear to be struggling and needs money but I can’t help her.

When I told her I couldn’t do it she burst out crying.

I feel really bad now.

AIBU that I said I couldn’t help?

OP posts:
CoralOP · 06/08/2025 13:21

Oooo absolutely not, you would be declaring yourself as a childminder which comes with soo much red tape, taxes, insurances etc. The alternative is that you are knowingly becoming an unregistered childminder which is illegal and you'll probably get fired from your job.
What happens if the child bumps its head or she does something your not happy with, she'll be screaming from the rafters that you are taking money abd injuring her child.
It's really not a difficult decision for you at all, it would be stupid for you to do this. It's difficult for her but you don't risk your job, criminal record and family to make her life easier!

thepariscrimefiles · 06/08/2025 13:21

kimmmym · 06/08/2025 11:12

My neighbour is an OK person but I do find her quite intrusive and I don’t really like talking to her as she will keep me taking for ages.

I just want a “hello how are you?” kind of relationship.
She acts as if we are friends when we are just neighbours.

I just don’t want to be getting involved with her like that as I am a private person anyway and I do feel she does try to force a friendship with me (and other neighbours who have also commented on this).

The babysitting of wouldn’t be a one off she was hoping for a long term arrangement until she either finds a new job/ reduces her hours/finds an alternative nursery.

Apparently she watches neighbours on her Ringdoor and then when she see’s various neighbours she will come out and start a convo and then start asking for favours as she has asked other neighbours to help with childcare amongst other things, not just me.

It is tricky as she is struggling but I have enough on my own plate.

You need to categorically refuse to do this. She sounds like the sort of person where if you give her an inch, she'll take a mile. You have a job already and you don't want to be a childminder. I was a childminder when my children were young and it is much harder and more stressful looking after other people's children than looking after your own.

She also sounds as though she could be quite difficult. I wonder what sort of incident happened at the nursery.

Annielou67 · 06/08/2025 13:24

She is a mother in need. I would do as much as I can, whilst setting very clear boundaries and expectations. It is easy to turn our back on those in need because we are too busy or worried about being taken advantage of, but maybe you can do something to give her a little respite even if it is just to invite her round for tea, cake and a chat.

Bollihobs · 06/08/2025 13:26

kimmmym · 06/08/2025 11:12

My neighbour is an OK person but I do find her quite intrusive and I don’t really like talking to her as she will keep me taking for ages.

I just want a “hello how are you?” kind of relationship.
She acts as if we are friends when we are just neighbours.

I just don’t want to be getting involved with her like that as I am a private person anyway and I do feel she does try to force a friendship with me (and other neighbours who have also commented on this).

The babysitting of wouldn’t be a one off she was hoping for a long term arrangement until she either finds a new job/ reduces her hours/finds an alternative nursery.

Apparently she watches neighbours on her Ringdoor and then when she see’s various neighbours she will come out and start a convo and then start asking for favours as she has asked other neighbours to help with childcare amongst other things, not just me.

It is tricky as she is struggling but I have enough on my own plate.

You've summed it all here really well OP - you have a good handle on what sort of person she is. Take back control of any interactions - maybe even just keep moving rather than stopping "Hi, sorry, busy busy today!" Re draw your boundaries. And don't feel bad about not getting involved - trust your instincts, you know whatever you give, she'll want more, and more, and more.

Silverbirchleaf · 06/08/2025 13:27

Annielou67 · 06/08/2025 13:24

She is a mother in need. I would do as much as I can, whilst setting very clear boundaries and expectations. It is easy to turn our back on those in need because we are too busy or worried about being taken advantage of, but maybe you can do something to give her a little respite even if it is just to invite her round for tea, cake and a chat.

It’s not op’s job to facilitate this. Her parents already provide the respite, by babysitting twice a week.

WilfredsPies · 06/08/2025 13:28

goldenquestion · 06/08/2025 11:19

I'd probably have offered to help as a one off if I could, but not as an ongoing thing. And it sounds like you might've got tied in, so on balance you probably did the right thing.

For the people saying being paid to care for children is illegal if you aren't a registered childminder, that's nonsense. Teenagers have been babysitting for pocket money for time immemorial!

I’m pretty sure that if the child is under a certain age or you have them for longer than a couple of hours, you have to be registered if you’re getting paid for it and you can potentially get into quite a bit of trouble if you aren’t.

Aside from that, it’s quite a dangerous thing to do. You might be ok to work and care for your own child at the time but what happens if your boss calls and realises that you’re running a childcare service at the same time as working for them? Or she hands over an apparently sleeping baby and it turns out that it’s actually a very poorly baby? The implications for you in that scenario would be terrifying.

I get that she’s struggling but this would be more trouble than it’s worth.

WilfredsPies · 06/08/2025 13:31

Annielou67 · 06/08/2025 13:24

She is a mother in need. I would do as much as I can, whilst setting very clear boundaries and expectations. It is easy to turn our back on those in need because we are too busy or worried about being taken advantage of, but maybe you can do something to give her a little respite even if it is just to invite her round for tea, cake and a chat.

She’s asking random neighbours she doesn’t really know to look after her baby.

I don’t think she’s big on recognising or abiding by boundaries.

Spindrifts · 06/08/2025 13:31

Don't get involved. Not your circus not your monkeys. You did the right thing by refusing. Protect your own and your family.

KTheGrey · 06/08/2025 13:32

Absolutely keep your boundaries. She has none, which is not going to help her get her own life in order, which is what she needs to start doing.

Helpmeplease2025 · 06/08/2025 13:34

No way. And being a mother is irrelevant. Lots of us are mothers; we make plans before we pull DC out of nursery. People like this always take a mile. She’s assumed she can emotionally manipulate you (and the rest) into helping her as she ‘has no other option’

Stand firm, OP

Dunnocantthinkofone · 06/08/2025 13:34

WilfredsPies · 06/08/2025 13:31

She’s asking random neighbours she doesn’t really know to look after her baby.

I don’t think she’s big on recognising or abiding by boundaries.

Show quote history

Not to mention the lack of care in choosing someone suitable to look after her precious child! The idea of doing handing over you baby to a virtual stranger is horrifying regardless of how much you may be struggling

GreyCarpet · 06/08/2025 13:34

Annielou67 · 06/08/2025 13:24

She is a mother in need. I would do as much as I can, whilst setting very clear boundaries and expectations. It is easy to turn our back on those in need because we are too busy or worried about being taken advantage of, but maybe you can do something to give her a little respite even if it is just to invite her round for tea, cake and a chat.

You've clearly never met this sort of person in real life.

Annielou67 · 06/08/2025 13:35

Silverbirchleaf · 06/08/2025 13:27

It’s not op’s job to facilitate this. Her parents already provide the respite, by babysitting twice a week.

Show quote history

Ofcourse it isn’t and OP can refuse. Nor is it reasonable to expect any person to take on your child-rearing - however kindness, neighbourliness and caring are perhaps possible for the OP. This young mum is struggling, even having someone to talk to, feeling less alone with the problem, might help a little.

ShallIstart · 06/08/2025 13:35

A one off for an emergency maybe, but not reguarly. No way. Unless you are going to b3 a fully registered and insured babysitter and set up for this.
You arent insured for starters. Imagine if something happened. We were in and out of a and e with our little ones, a bump falling over or caught a fever, if anything happens on your watch it would be awful.
I imagine your kids are enough for you already. I certainky wouldnt be taking any more kids into my house and taking my attention away from them.
A baby rules the house routines too. Nap times etc.
Absolutely no way and I wouldnt feel guilty about it. We all have childcare problems i am sure you have your own as well and its not your responsibility.

goldenquestion · 06/08/2025 13:40

WilfredsPies · 06/08/2025 13:28

I’m pretty sure that if the child is under a certain age or you have them for longer than a couple of hours, you have to be registered if you’re getting paid for it and you can potentially get into quite a bit of trouble if you aren’t.

Aside from that, it’s quite a dangerous thing to do. You might be ok to work and care for your own child at the time but what happens if your boss calls and realises that you’re running a childcare service at the same time as working for them? Or she hands over an apparently sleeping baby and it turns out that it’s actually a very poorly baby? The implications for you in that scenario would be terrifying.

I get that she’s struggling but this would be more trouble than it’s worth.

Show quote history

I did have a quick look and couldn't see any restrictions on age but the length of time did matter. Yes, absolutely shouldn't be looking after someone else's (or your own) child while working, I agree.

Had assumed she meant around her work, but if not - no it's a ridiculous ask and a very easy out for the OP.

Roosch · 06/08/2025 13:41

Phoebesparrow · 06/08/2025 13:03

I wouldn't touch this with someone else's bargepole

I had something similar-a mum at work
asked if I'd have her very young child (unpaid but I don't think that makes a difference)

I agreed and before I knew it,not only was I having the little one,but I was having her older children (I know this isn't the case with you),she kept having a go at me for feeding the child the wrong foods (didn't provide any herself) and doing the wrong activities with them (she didn't want me to take him to the park but was OK if I treated them to a trip to the zoo on my own dime)

The kids broke my stuff (she just laughed it off) and she stopped looking for other childcare as she had me doing it for free and unable to earn money as it slashed my hours at my real job (she was besties with the boss and told him I'd be doing Mondays and Tuesdays so not to add me to the rota on those days,so i lost out on my wages)

When I said 'enough,im not doing this anymore' that fallout had to be seen to be believed (she slagged me off to anyone who would listen and the boss tried to give me a warning and threatened my job-both went nowhere)

I really wouldn't touch this-if you needed a second job,you'd get one,it's a her problem not a you problem

Sorry you were in such a horrendous situation.
Some people are absolute piss-takers.
Agree not to touch this one with a barge pole.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 06/08/2025 13:45

Absolutely not. You need to be very firm in this. Don’t get drawn into a discussion. Just keep saying something along the lines of I’m sore but it’s just not possible. If you start giving her reasons she’ll try to come up with counter arguments as to why that reason doesn’t work. This is not a debate, this is you saying no. You can feel sympathy for someone without being obliged to help. You have to put your own family first.

LillyPJ · 06/08/2025 13:46

YANBU. You have to do what's right for you. It's sad for her but that's not your responsibility.

dogcatkitten · 06/08/2025 13:53

You would have to get properly vetted as a child minder and possibly modify your house to comply. A lot of hoops to jump through and a lot of responsibility. And I'm sure they wouldn't like you working at the same time! Just say you are not a registered child minder and wouldn't risk doing it without being one, not to mention having to be part self employed and tax implications.

KTheGrey · 06/08/2025 14:01

Theroadt · 06/08/2025 12:17

I had this once (only once, luckily). School mum - our sons in same class Year 2, we each had a younger son mine then aged Reception and hers in school nursery. She went back to work ft and a couple of times asked me to collect hers and take them home and then she would collect. I found it a strain with all 4 to be honest esp her youngest lad who was full-on. At the time I was a SAHM (had recently taken career break) so she had said to others she thought I had spare time. At end of term half day, she asked me to collect them and keep them until 6pm. I’m afraid I declined saying we had something else on. Cue quite a few snarky comments. I still feel badly about it.

She sounds a proper CF - you do her a favour a couple of times and that entitles her to be snide if you don’t double down and do her a bigger favour on another occasion? How is that fair?

And if you had time - it was yours!

Tillow4ever · 06/08/2025 14:38

Just agreeing with everyone else - don’t feel guilty for saying no! This isn’t someone popping round asking to borrow a cup of sugar, or asking if you’ll water their plants when they go on holiday. It’s a virtual stranger asking you to take responsibility for their BABY. She doesn’t seem to give a shit about the baby’s wellbeing if she’s willing to palm it off to anyone that will say yes. And if her parents are babysitting to allow her to go out either friends multiple times a week, they are enabling her to actively shirk her responsibilities. She needs to grow up and step up fast.

I would certainly not be recommending someone I don’t know to my company for a job… especially when it very much sounds like she’s trying to find a WFH job so she can look after the baby whilst working.

If she asks again, I would burst out laughing and say “good one - you nearly got me there til I realised no one would be cheeky enough to actually mean that, I mean could you imagine?” If she asks again after that she’s got such a brass neck you’ll have to actually spell it out for her that it isn’t appropriate for her to be asking for this. It’s not a “favour”, she’s asking you to do something illegal and jeopardise your own job, family and house!

coxesorangepippin · 06/08/2025 15:07

Why on earth are you second guessing yourself??

Of course it's a no

coxesorangepippin · 06/08/2025 15:08

Next time anyone asks you anything like that just laugh loudly and 'yeah, right' and change the subject

As if they're kidding

AngelicKaty · 06/08/2025 15:14

ArcheryAnnie · 06/08/2025 11:33

I agree with everyone else here that the OP can't accommodate her neighbour's request, but I do think we are in danger of throwing the baby out with the bathwater. My son is now a young adult, but his childhood - and my life as a mum - was actively enhanced by being part of a small network of women who helped each other out from time to time. There was no obligation, but we babysat each other's kids, had them for sleepovers, sent our kids over to them for sleepovers, walked them home from school, had them collected from school, etc etc. This baby is 11 months, so none of that yet applies, but this weird insistence that each family is a hermetically-sealed unit that must under no circumstances be breached risks all of us missing out.

In this case, I think - as I've said - the OP is right to say no, for many reasons. But the overall tone of the replies really worries me.

Show quote history

The "overall tone of the replies" are reflective of the facts given by OP in her posts and have absolutely no relevance to the scenario you have described.

treesandsun · 06/08/2025 15:29

Apart from a one off emergency situation it would be a no for me. Not only has she been extremely cheeky asking you ,but she really has no idea if you are suitable to look after her child and what sort of a person you are. however difficult her circumstances might be it's not the role of a neighbour to resolve them for her. She needs proper official childcare . I suspect her. I will pay you wasn't intending to be at the going rate or she could look into a childminder.