Neighbour asked me to babysit her child whilst she works

[kimmmym]

So basically my next door neighbour has asked me to babysit her 11 month old baby whilst she works.

The baby has been in nursery but there was an incident last week (didn’t mention what) so she has now taken him out for the time being whilst she decides what to do next.

I work from home part time and also look after my toddler DC whilst OH works full time.

My neighbour has said that she will pay me and it won’t be every day as her mum will have her son some days.

She also wanted me to fast forward her an interview for my work place and was asking for details on my employer etc due to me working remotely.

I have told her I can’t do it as I am too busy with my own children and I do not want the responsibility of another child.

She said nobody helps her apart from her mum and the father of the child ( DV issues) and he has not paid any maintenance to her since the child has been born and has now also failed to collect the child for the court order arranged visits.

I do feel sorry for her as she does appear to be struggling and needs money but I can’t help her.

When I told her I couldn’t do it she burst out crying.

I feel really bad now.

AIBU that I said I couldn’t help?

😁

I think difference here is that this woman has already shown she doesn't have any boundaries of her own, which means she is less likely to observe other people's.

If she'd knocked on the OP's door asking if she knew of any websites advertising wfh jobs, she could say yes and tell her or no. That's very different to suggesting the OP do the leg work of looking them up and finding the neighbour to direct her to them. Or asking the OP for information on her company which she could find out herself online.

Some people ask and are taking responsibility for themselves. Some people ask and are expecting you to take responsibility. It's different.

There’s a saying that “you shouldn’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.” You’ve already have enough on your plate. She should start by finding a new nursery or child minder.

Yeah, radical eh.

I have a contact (not a neighbour) like this. She's had genuine hardship and I've helped her out quite a lot.

Much of the support she's sought out from me was genuine and I felt bad for her. But she's also pushed her luck with me and I no longer offer her help because while I understood genuine need (relationship breakdown, no childcare) on one occasion while I was babysitting (I thought for work) she was actually in the pub. Which I thought was taking the piss. She also makes spectacularly bad life choices, which then lead to her needing support. And frankly, I've got enough on my plate myself.

So I'd help out ONCE. But I wouldn't offer ongoing help. I'd also minimise contact as much as I could.

Glad you have said no, she sounds like user with a bit of a messy life.

Stay well away and try to avoid her.
Her life is not your problem.
Dont get her into your workplace either.

Dont even offer a once off, otherwise she will always say “oh well you managed once, can’t you do it again?”.

YANBU

it's not an emergency

I would be a lot more sympathetic if she had booked alternate childcare but it wasn't available for a few days - with precise and clear starting date. If you book a childminder, they might not have immediate availability for example.

There are ad-hoc nanny agencies, and a lot of students available for babysitting in the summer. If she was paying for the nursery anyway, she can pay for a babysitter!

Do not feel guilty. This woman is a taker, and she seems like the type who will continue to ask for more if you do one small favor, thus you can't even watch the kid once.

I think this woman had a lot of nerve to ask. If anyone should feel bad, it's her for asking for not one but two favors, and for putting you in an uncomfortable position by trying to make her problems yours.

She sounds incredibly selfish, so please don't think you are being selfish by having boundaries. We all know how this would have ended up if you'd said yes.

You're not responsible for her childcare situation, no matter how sad or frustrated she feels. It wouldn't be unreasonable for you to help in an emergency, if you felt you could, but it's a massive imposition to ask you to do this on a regular basis.

@kimmmym There's nothing wrong with saying No, OP and you shouldn't feel bad for doing so. You can empathise and sympathise with your NDN's situation, but that doesn't mean you have to provide her with a solution to her problem. You have your own life and doing this (huge) "favour" simply isn't compatible with your own family's needs. Well done for being assertive on this. 🤗

A one off emergency would be acceptable but nothing on a regular basis. You'll end up getting sacked! Looking after someone else's child is different to having your own. They'll need monitoring as she may be mire hard work and need one to one etc. You are right to say no. She needs to return her child to nursery or find a child minder. Do not let her guilt trip you into something that's going to affect your child and job. I wouldn't even get involved with the job hunt, tell her to look online. Otherwise she'll be hounding you, asking for updates.

You were right to say no, OP. A person can have genuine problems (whether they are the author of their own distress or not) and be too much for those around them at one and the same time. Regardless of the reason for your neighbour's situation, you aren't her solution; you've got enough balls to juggle as it is and it wouldn't be acceptable or satisfactory in the long-term for anyone for you to struggle with your current commitments because you'd taken on another.

You neighbour's MO - the way she keeps an eye on her Ringdoor for example and importunes people - suggests that her sense of boundaries isn't strong, but your best reason for saying no is that you are a real person, with a real life - you aren't the solution to her problems.

Sounds like my experience too. I often read these threads and think how sad it is that so many people have no support system.

It is a difficult situation as she is clearly struggling but she does get a lot of help from her parents.

Her parents come twice a week always to babysit so she can go out and see friends and they do her gardening for her.

I don’t even think I would be in a situation to help her even in an emergency as I have 2 kids under 3 to look after.

I don’t particularly even like talking to her as she is incredibly nosy and makes me feel watched on her Ringdoor.
I feel if I was to help her once she would be round all the time.

She does act as if we’re friends and tells me all her affairs and asks after mine.

I am trying to establish a boundary with her I.e just a simple hello and goodbye and not engaging with her for long conversations every time I see her.

I think maybe a day ot two in an emergency but your neighbour will need to find a long term solution. Are you actually responsible for looking after your toddler while working from home. I didn't think most firms allow this as a regular thing.

There are too many red flags here.
This isn't a 'mutually beneficial support network between friends' situation.
This is a 'woman you don't know very well trying to railroad you into complying with her demands' situation!

As they say 'No' is a full sentence. Tell her no and that is it, do not over explain. It is a she problem not a you problem. Be busy all the time when you see her and leave it at that.

You should not feel guilt when the scum she had the baby with doesn’t give a shit. These are the consequences of poor life choices and you don’t want to be sucked into that dysfunctional crap. Well done for saying no.

I wouldn't touch this with someone else's bargepole

I had something similar-a mum at work
asked if I'd have her very young child (unpaid but I don't think that makes a difference)

I agreed and before I knew it,not only was I having the little one,but I was having her older children (I know this isn't the case with you),she kept having a go at me for feeding the child the wrong foods (didn't provide any herself) and doing the wrong activities with them (she didn't want me to take him to the park but was OK if I treated them to a trip to the zoo on my own dime)

The kids broke my stuff (she just laughed it off) and she stopped looking for other childcare as she had me doing it for free and unable to earn money as it slashed my hours at my real job (she was besties with the boss and told him I'd be doing Mondays and Tuesdays so not to add me to the rota on those days,so i lost out on my wages)

When I said 'enough,im not doing this anymore' that fallout had to be seen to be believed (she slagged me off to anyone who would listen and the boss tried to give me a warning and threatened my job-both went nowhere)

I really wouldn't touch this-if you needed a second job,you'd get one,it's a her problem not a you problem

Surely her parents can babysit, and if they can only do this on the evening, then she can get an evening job, not a day job. (How many people do you know that regularly go out with friends twice a week with a young child? )

Putting in boundaries is the right way to go. It’s good that you’ve recognised that you need to do this.

Agree - you are just her latest victim.

Your other neighbours tried to warn you, but maybe it was too subtle for you OP?
"she does try to force a friendship with me (and other neighbours who have also commented on this)."
"Apparently she watches neighbours on her Ringdoor"
"she has asked other neighbours to help"

Ignore the crocodile tears, bet she's used to playing that game. Speak to your other neighbours to spread the warnings far and wide, and warn any future new neighbours.

Op you need to shut her down (probably in a firm but quiet way) then stop engaging with her. If you agree to this it will be the thin end of the wedge and you will never get her tentacles out of your life.

Do not even start it,not even once! I'm a childminder and have met people like this before and it has red flags all over it.
Besides the fact that you should be registered and insured, you will very quickly end up having her child more and more and for longer amounts of time. Then there'll be payment problems....and if you're not registered she can't use any if the government funding schemes. Tell her no and stick to your guns no matter how many times she turns on the water works!

You must not feel bad about saying no. You have your own priorities and responsibilities and personally, it is easy for someone to turn on the tears if things don’t go their way. Stand your ground OP and focus on your own family.

That is the distinction. That's why nannies don't need to register as childminders as they are caring for children in the child's home.

YANBU. That’s a massive responsibility and she sounds like a user.