to be feeling so upset over this?

[SunnyStrawberries]

Hi everyone, I just need to get something off my chest and maybe hear some outside perspectives because I’m really struggling with how I'm feeling at the moment.
For context, over the years we’ve been on a few family holidays that included myself, my husband and our kids, my in-laws (his parents), and my husband’s sister and her family. While we’ve generally had good times but it's not always been 'perfect'. My husband and his sister parent very differently, and that’s caused a few minor issues in the past. Things like me saying yes to our kids having an ice cream and her saying no to hers – which then leads to meltdowns and somehow becomes our fault. Nothing huge, just little clashes now and then.
However, the last holiday we went on together a few years ago ended badly. After a minor issue about splashing in the pool, my sister-in-law completely lost it with my husband in front of everyone – shouting that he’s a rubbish parent, that I’m lazy, and even saying her kids are scared of him. It was really awful. She accused him of “puffing out his chest trying to be the big man” which couldn’t have been further from the truth. He stood silently and in shock, didn’t react, and just walked away and was actually gutted about what she said and they way she said it in front of everyone. It felt to me like it came from years of built-up resentment she hadn’t addressed. I still get quite emotional thinking about it.
After that, both my husband and his sister (separately) told their parents that they wouldn’t be doing any more big family holidays – the tension was too much. We cancelled the holiday we had already booked for the following year. We didn’t speak at all for months, but eventually we got to a place where we could be civil again. Things are ok now but nothing like before.
Now on to my problem... my sister-in-law recently booked a family holiday and invited my in-laws who agreed to going with them. They’ve all gone away together – and we weren’t even considered. Not even a message or conversation to see how we felt about it. My MIL only told us after it was already booked. I know we said we wouldn’t do joint holidays again, and truthfully we probably would’ve said no anyway. But to not even be included in the discussion – especially after working to be civil again – feels like a slap in the face. I wouldn't even consider asking my in laws to come on a holiday with us because I wouldn't want to put them in an awkward situation and I wouldn't want to put my nieces and nephews in a position where they would feel excluded.
I’m heartbroken for my kids, who now see their grandparents and cousins on a holiday without them. It feels like such a massive step backwards for our family, like we’re being pushed out. I just can’t shake the feeling of being excluded and like we don’t matter. I've cried multiple times since they went last week.
Am I being unreasonable to be so upset about it or do I just need to get a grip?

YABVU.

The dynamics clearly weren’t working for big group holidays and you cancelled a holiday that was with them.

You don’t own your in laws and they have every right to go away with their daughter and their other grandkids.

If you were booking another holiday would you have asked SIL to go? No you wouldn’t because you cancelled the last one with them.

This has made me think and perhaps in a small way it may be true. She called me 'lazy' but I don't consider myself lazy at all. This comment was made as I didn't immediately get up and start washing up after a meal. I'd prefer to let my food go down and talk for a while after eating. She thinks that everyone should be like her. With regards to the comments about my husband i'd say they were absolutely not true - I wouldn't be married to him if they were! Again, its obviously her opinion of him and that's why we don't see eye to eye on things some of the time. I think my feelings are more about the unresolved root cause of all of this. We have never spoke about the blow up on holiday. we just gave it time and swept it under the carpet. Although we are different I do miss our previous closeness.

I think what I wanted was just a conversation before it was booked (definitely not an invite!). Something along the lines of 'After last time we all agreed not to go on holiday as a big family but we are going to invite mum and dad away with us'.

To which you'd have said... ? "Oh... okay." Awkward silence. That's the best case scenario. The others involve raking up all the original incident and tainting a nice thing - them going on holiday with the parents - with all the resurrected tension. Them not telling you is them moving on and being normal about things. It's not normal to have to inform your extended family about your holiday plans in case they're hurt. You obviously still have issues with her and I think she's right to steer clear of the subject and go and enjoy her holiday, as you'll enjoy yours. Did you run your plans by her? "After last time, we all agreed not to go on holiday as a big family so we're just going on our own." "Oh... okay." Awkward silence.

You are being very unreasonable, and you are making an issue where there isn’t one.
Your husband and his sister both said they didn’t want to do a whole-family holiday again. There is no reason at all that each of their relationship with their parents should suffer because the two of them don’t get on. It’s completely fine for the sister to have a relationship with her parents, including spending time with them, without involving her brother/your husband/you at all. I certainly don’t involve my sibling every time I make plans with my parents!
Asking your parents in law to join you on a holiday is not putting them in an awkward position, unless perhaps you are inviting them at the same time as they already have plans. Nor is it excluding anyone.
Crying over this and being overly dramatic is just silly.

But there was no need to have a "conversation" with you and your DH the holiday didn't include you!

We used to do big family holidays and decided it was too much, the issues weren't as bad as the ones you had OP but I still didn't enjoy them much.
I am very very relieved not to even be asked now so I do not understand your issue at all, you got what you wanted so be happy about it

Sorry, perhaps discussion was the wrong word. Obviously she doesn't owe us anything or mention it to us. I think i miss our previous closeness and that's what I'm upset about. I'm upset that this is the way that it is now and them going away (which they absolutely have the right to do) has brought it all back for me

Haven’t read the whole thread but have seen the poll and I’m obviously in the minority here! Yes, I understand how you feel. I couldn't do what your in-laws have done. it’s cruel. They should have told you about the holiday. My children not talking to one another would bother me a great deal, too.

Sorry but in your own words you need to get a grip. Nothing to stop you organising a holiday and inviting your PILs.

I didn't want an invite

I'm sorry you're upset but I can't quite see why either. You decided it was best to avoid a big family holiday in future (which makes sense, you don't seem compatible) and then... you didn't have a big family holiday. I can't see what other outcome would make sense.

We won't travel with my sister in law after a couple of bad situations (she's an alcoholic). Obviously quite different situation 'but' we have continued to do what we want to with my parents-in-law and they do different things with her. We won't go away together but that doesn't mean my inlaws have to choose between us - we each do different things now.

I think you should invite your inlaws on your holiday if you want to close the circle here. You refusing to engage with any of them because you don't get along with half of them isn't helpful.

She thinks that everyone should be like her.

And you're upset because "she's done something you wouldn't do".

FGS, let it go. If you feel so bad for your DCs you could invite your ILs on holiday next year?

She thinks that everyone should be like her.

and you think people should be more like you? when you share facilities, there needs to be a discussion about what will be done and when. And then you just get on with doing your bit.

I’m with all PP. I get on really well with my brother and his wife and family, but my parents regularly visit and holiday with them without us, and ditto visit and holiday with us without them, and it wouldn’t occur to anyone to be offended or feel left out. (My parents are meticulous about making sure they spend the same amount of time with each family though.)

I also think we all know that all of us being together and trying to do coordinate everyone and get on while being in each other’s pockets for a week might be unsatisfying for everyone…

But you wanted a conversation where you were reminded you weren't going to be invited before they went ahead and didn't invite you?

Did your PILs take your SIL's side in the argument with your DH? Do you think that if your DH invited your PILs on a holiday with your family they would come?

Could you go on holiday with your family?

I do now yes

You actually want to go on holiday with your In Laws? You’re a better woman than I am!!

I voted YABU

I really don’t understand what you want out of this. If they’d told you about it it would have been so awkward. What would you have said?

“we are planning to take mum and dad on holiday”

and you say? What?

what’s the resentment she holds about? Do you think it might have some basis in truth?

But both sister and brother said no more family holidays. So how did this one come about? There must have been numerous conversations about this holiday. I wonder how the parents in law really feel about it? Might it be that SIL actually took PIL on holiday?

What did she say about your husband? you said that SIL said he puffed his chest out, what could she be referring to, because its quite a specific comment.

The not clearing up after a communal meal can be irritating. If you're in your own home then it's fine you go at your own speed but if you're sharing with a group then it's another job that needs to be done potentially by someone else if its just sitting there cluttering up the sides and you're not making a move to do it.

I can see that would be a source of tension. When sharing a space with others we do have to compromise in how we normally do things so the house keeps on track, especially with lots of kids in the mix. She could have been thinking you were waiting for someone else to step in and do it, hence why she called you lazy. Have you done that in the past?

OK, that's great. So I am not sure what the actual issue is.

It sounds as though it is better if your family and SIL's holiday separately for now as you are incompatible and there would be a lot of tensions. Both sides have seemed to recognise this and agreed (independently) that separate holidays are the way forward from now onwards.

SIL is free to invite her parents to come on her family holiday if she wishes and they can choose whether to go or not. You and your DH are also free to invite them on your family holiday, and again, your PILs are free to choose whether to come or not.

There's no need to get so het up about not being invited on a holiday that you have said that you wouldn't have wanted to go on. Everyone knew/knows that separate holidays are better going forward. Reframe it that way in your mind. Then maybe you will see that there really is no need for all of this upset at all. Nobody has really done anything wrong.

Just go and enjoy your separate holidays. Invite PILs with you next year, but accept whatever decision they make too as they aren't pawns to be pushed back and forth either. They make their own decisions.

Those sort of holidays are prone to be a disaster, too many people's opinions and preferences to allow for. Add in parents and children with different parenting styles, no wonder it went bang. Just be glad you weren't invited this time! If you want your children to interact with their cousins invite them for a day. You now know you can go away with the ILs without offending anyone if the other family aren't invited and you didn't have to do it first, so win win.

They don't need to run their holiday plans passed you first. Did you contact them to tell them you were booking holidays before you did?

If it makes you feel any better my own parent go on holiday twice a year with my sister and her family but DD and I have never been invited once!
If you would have said no anyway then I wouldn't get worked up about it.