SIL excludes my child AIBU to be annoyed?

[Aquababe73]

SIL has three kids older than my 1 by a few years. Since she has been with my brother she has always made little effort with me. First time she was introduced to me she fell asleep on my sofa and interacted very little. She was pregnant about a year after they met and I spent the Christmas she was pregnant with them. I bought them both lots of lovely new born bay stuff and fun new parent stuff. She got me a box of lush bath bombs from her and my brother. On Christmas day they left immediately after lunch to go to her cousins leaving me on my own at their place. I didn't know they were going anywhere until they were leaving and as i'd had a couple of glasses already I was trapped. For me that was the writing on the wall. Fast forward 18 months and I was pregnant. I found out just before their wedding. I was so excited as this was a long time coming. I told them both and my brother had a word with me privately and told me not to talk about it any further as I was 'stealing' his wife's thunder. I was hurt but fair enough of she wanted to be all princessy on her wedding day. A few months later I lost the baby. No condolences or sympathies were offered. 2 pregnancies later I finally had my baby. I didn't hear from either of them throughout my pregnancy. I didn't expect anything from her but my brother now seemed to be following suit. Again very hurtful. When my child was newborn all the usual house visits happened and her and my brother came along. I thought things were changing and we could now bond as a family and the cousins could all grow up together. I tried to arrange to meet up with her several times alone and she cancelled at the last minute each time so I gave up. She visited once with my mum and we all went to Mothercare where she proceeded to load up her basket with stuff that my mum could pay for. IMO her nose was out of joint the minute I had my DD as she had been used to using my mum as a cash cow up until then. Her own parents have plenty of money btw as do both her and my brother. DD has only ever received an invite once to one of cousins birthdays. There's 3 of them and the eldest is now 13 so that's a lot of birthdays. Whereas I've always invited the cousins to DDs birthdays. I stopped this a couple of years ago when I discovered she would get my mum to buy the birthday gifts she gave DD. Since then my DD has never received a birthday or Christmas gift from her. She does however buy gifts for the kids of her own brother. My brother does call on DDs birthdays but he travels abroad for work and if he's away there is no call from her. I always get the cousins gifts and feel I should now stop as it is never reciprocated as DD gets older she is becoming more away of this disparity (she's 9) and is hurt by it but I try and laugh it off and say it's no big deal etc but really my heart is breaking for her and I'm so blooming angry at my brother for allowing it to happen. I've tried speaking to my mum about it but she just pays me lip service and then fawns all over SIL making vomit inducing posts on FB about how wonderful a mother she is etc. Brother is the youngest and has always been the golden boy. I don't want my nephews to miss out but then I don't want my DD to be disrespected like this either. I also find my mums behaviour very disloyal as she won't address the issue with them either. So AIBU to expect my DD to be treated as I treat their kids?

I think the issue is you have tried to force a relationship. Just because someone becomes a SIL doesn’t mean they are obliged to have more than a perfunctory relationship with you. I don’t really have a relationship with my SIL or any in-laws as why would I? When parents were alive we would cross over at a lunch/dinner table for Xmas once every so many years but that was pretty much it. There was physical distance involved, sure, as we were several hours from any relatives, but even if we had of lived in the same suburb I can’t see how/why it would have been different. So, maybe she is a bit perplexed about the relationship you were trying to force?

She's never shown you any interest, so I don't know why she suddenly would. Don't give her the energy, just keep your distance from her.

Agree with this - just because you’re related it doesn’t mean you have to be friends. DH so hoped I would be close to his sister and she really tried, including huge gifts when I was pregnant, etc but I just never gelled with her. She’s done nothing wrong and I don’t dislike her at all - we just don’t have much in common.

I will add that unless DH needs me to because he’s busy, I don’t sort out the gifts for his family. So any gifts for my SIL’s child is arranged by my DH. And I sort the gifts for my side of the family. Surely the issue of lack of gifts for your daughter is your brother’s issue rather than something you blame his wife for?

It sounds like you are trying to have a relationship that she is just not interested in. That is sad if you really wanted it, but normal in lots of families.

You sound like you are then taking lots of things very personally that really aren’t. Why would her kids want a child several years younger at their parties? She is presumably close to her brother and therefore feels close to his kids. She does not feel close to you and yours. It is your brother‘s job to pay attention to your child’s birthday etc. It sounds like it is him that you should be cross with.

I don't think I care too much about having a relationship with her per se but I do care about my nephews and my DD loves her cousins and has lots of fun with them when she sees them so I wanted to encourage a relationship between them mainly. I have never had a desire to socialize with her on my own. We're very different people.

Just stop expecting/hoping for a relationship with them. Accept that you will never be close and leave your mum out of it.

Why is this a SIL problem and not a brother problem?

She sounds like a very cold person. I'd offer for her kids to come to yours or you take the kids out to foster the relationship between the cousins if she's not interested. What does your brother think of it all?

It’s all about what you want from the relationship with your SIL and how you think she should behave. She hasn’t really done anything wrong, she doesn’t want the relationship with you or you DCs that you would like her to have. She doesn’t have to act the way you want her to or match what you do. Accept that this is the way she wants to behave and move on.

It's up to your brother to buy presents for your child in the same way she does for her side.
Generally older kids don't want littler ones at their parties. Let it go.
You seem to be expecting more from your sil than she's willing to give. Stop with the presents if it's making you resentful.
She probably senses how you feel and has pulled away. I'd do the same. Dh is in charge of his relationship with his family, as I am with mine. I'm polite and friendly when I see them, but have no expectations beyond this. Maybe she's the same?

So i should just stop with the gift giving and invites for my nephews? I'm not arsed about their parents but the background was just to.illustrate what they are like. I just don't get how any adult can treat a kid like that let alone their neice she even has gone so far as to say we are not welcome there unless my brother is there.

Yes. Just stop. Free yourself from this relationship as it's making you sad.

I don't think you can expect your sil to treat your dc like you treat hers.

I think you can expect your brother to treat your dc like you treat his.

Any failing here is by your brother, not his wife.

The problem is your brother... and it sounds like you've been a bit intense with your efforts to have a relationship with her and it's made her back off even more.

I don’t understand why you are blaming your SIL here rather than the person your related to.

Maybe I just roll differently as I make sure my husband's family gets gifts on birthdays. My husband is not great at that sort of thing so I step in and do it. And the friends that I have do the same. I get that everyone's different in this regard. The kids aren't massively different in ages. 6 months between mine and their youngest and then 20 months with their next.

Your sil doesn’t want a close relationship with you and doesn’t want to facilitate one with the children. That’s rubbish but her choice. The person you should be annoyed with is your brother it’s on him to facilitate a relationship between your family and his.
you need to accept how things stand between you. Get gifts/offer invitations because you want to not for reciprocation
Dont make a big deal about it with your dd she Wil only see a problem if you do

Just do the bits that make you happy. That way you won't feel resentful as you're getting something out of it. Anything you are feeling isn't reciprocated that's making you sad, just stop.

stop with presents

text your brother an invitation

The thing from many Christmas' ago is annoying but presumably your brother fucked up by not telling you before you had a drink that they would be leaving.

The fact you are related but don't get cards from them is your brothers fault, take it up with him. In the meantime stop buying cards and gifts for their 3 children. Nature your child's current friendships that are actually worth it.

My DC have cousins they don't see or know the names of because I am nc with my indoor Brother, it would just confuse my DC if they knew about their cousins. They have lots of friends so they don't need their more older, maybe seen once a year cousins.

Thats all your choice, she makes different ones and clearly doesn't want the relationship you do. You can't force it, or change it, you can only change your approach. Maybe if you back off she'll miss you and seek you out, maybe she'll feel relieved because the gift giving will be more equal, maybe nothing will change. Who knows? All I can tell you, is you're investing far too much in a relationship that's making you sad. You have agency to change this and invest less. That's literally all you can do.

No I blame him also but he does make the birthday calls etc and is lovely to DD when he sees her so I've never brought it up mainly because he can be a bit of a hot head and is very defensive. But I think having read the responses on here I will address it with him not to try and force him to do something else but to make my opinion clear and agree that we are not going to do present going forward.

Thank you I appreciate your perspective. I can be a bit autistic and sometimes need things laid out in black and white to know where things stand

Why if you're doing it because you love your nephews. My aunty is like your SIL, now as adults all of us cousins have a great relationship except for her kids who have missed out. You do you. It's her loss.

If you address it with him don’t do it in the way you’ve worded the OP is so full of blame for your SIL when she’s not really done anything wrong - just not lived up to your expectations.
maybe frame it that you want your daughter to have a better relationship with his kids and what can he do to facilitate that.