SIL excludes my child AIBU to be annoyed?

[Aquababe73]

SIL has three kids older than my 1 by a few years. Since she has been with my brother she has always made little effort with me. First time she was introduced to me she fell asleep on my sofa and interacted very little. She was pregnant about a year after they met and I spent the Christmas she was pregnant with them. I bought them both lots of lovely new born bay stuff and fun new parent stuff. She got me a box of lush bath bombs from her and my brother. On Christmas day they left immediately after lunch to go to her cousins leaving me on my own at their place. I didn't know they were going anywhere until they were leaving and as i'd had a couple of glasses already I was trapped. For me that was the writing on the wall. Fast forward 18 months and I was pregnant. I found out just before their wedding. I was so excited as this was a long time coming. I told them both and my brother had a word with me privately and told me not to talk about it any further as I was 'stealing' his wife's thunder. I was hurt but fair enough of she wanted to be all princessy on her wedding day. A few months later I lost the baby. No condolences or sympathies were offered. 2 pregnancies later I finally had my baby. I didn't hear from either of them throughout my pregnancy. I didn't expect anything from her but my brother now seemed to be following suit. Again very hurtful. When my child was newborn all the usual house visits happened and her and my brother came along. I thought things were changing and we could now bond as a family and the cousins could all grow up together. I tried to arrange to meet up with her several times alone and she cancelled at the last minute each time so I gave up. She visited once with my mum and we all went to Mothercare where she proceeded to load up her basket with stuff that my mum could pay for. IMO her nose was out of joint the minute I had my DD as she had been used to using my mum as a cash cow up until then. Her own parents have plenty of money btw as do both her and my brother. DD has only ever received an invite once to one of cousins birthdays. There's 3 of them and the eldest is now 13 so that's a lot of birthdays. Whereas I've always invited the cousins to DDs birthdays. I stopped this a couple of years ago when I discovered she would get my mum to buy the birthday gifts she gave DD. Since then my DD has never received a birthday or Christmas gift from her. She does however buy gifts for the kids of her own brother. My brother does call on DDs birthdays but he travels abroad for work and if he's away there is no call from her. I always get the cousins gifts and feel I should now stop as it is never reciprocated as DD gets older she is becoming more away of this disparity (she's 9) and is hurt by it but I try and laugh it off and say it's no big deal etc but really my heart is breaking for her and I'm so blooming angry at my brother for allowing it to happen. I've tried speaking to my mum about it but she just pays me lip service and then fawns all over SIL making vomit inducing posts on FB about how wonderful a mother she is etc. Brother is the youngest and has always been the golden boy. I don't want my nephews to miss out but then I don't want my DD to be disrespected like this either. I also find my mums behaviour very disloyal as she won't address the issue with them either. So AIBU to expect my DD to be treated as I treat their kids?

Dont forget he is sometimes a man abroad! Where they might possibly be without phones, or internet, or the possibility of posting before leaving..!!

Your sil wanted one of her children to have been a girl and is jealous.

That’s a ridiculous thing to say. Where’s your evidence for this?

I'm going to go against the grain and say that she sounds quite rude. Getting your mum to pay for your DD's gifts from her, leaving you alone at their house on Christmas day, no condolences when you lost your baby - it doesn't sound like this person is worth trying to be friendly with and you're better off without them. But also your brother needs to take some responsibility because he sounds equally poorly behaved.

‘He asked you not to talk about your pregnancy just before his wedding (seems fair enough).’

Are you kidding? A much longed for pregnancy and the brother told the OP to shut up about it? That is disgusting behaviour and the sister in law would be shown up as a self-absorbed bridezilla on MN in any other circumstances.

OP, you’re a far better person than than your brother and his wife. I’d stop the gifts in your position, but if you really don’t want your nephews to miss out, maybe a £5 book token or similar? Something small but still says you’re thinking of them at Xmas and birthdays.

I don’t get this MN obsession with leaving gift buying to each other’s side of the family. I’m with you on this, OP. My husband wouldn’t know where to start with presents!

Another one who can’t understand why SIL is getting the blame? Your brother is the direct family member.

I hate these posts where the woman is always blamed because present buying and organising parties is womens work???

I think this is unfair, the OP hasn't just talked about gifts. Maybe the dynamic with their brother changed when he married the SIL? But yes they should both get the blame.

I read it as he asked the op not to announce the pregnancy at the wedding.

that’s understandable.

but on re reading I think you’re right. With the proviso that if the op was going to be going round telling people she was pregnant at the wedding then that was or would have been a social faux pas.

isn’t that one of the things that Megan and Harry were supposed to have done at one of the York weddings?

This 100 %. I would either just send cards or ring your nephews on their birthday/Christmas. It is pointless to bring it up with your brother. He will be defensive and nothing will change, except for the worse..
You can't force things to be the way you want. You need to accept this and concentrate on the things that bring you and your family pleasure. You have been flogging a dead horse for a long time.
Let go. Move on. You will be happier.

As a mum of three boys who would not change a hair on any of their heads and who starts and finishes her days with cuddles and kisses from her beautiful children and can’t believe her luck in getting to be their Mummy, I’m finding all these flat out statements that obviously SIL is jealous of OPs having a DD to be bizarre, lazy and offensive.

Stop running after people who don’t care about you- man, woman or child. Apply that rule in your life and you will be happier.

You love your nephews, but they will always follow their mum so all your efforts will be in vain. Just don’t bother with presents and running after them, they will have very little to do with you and your dd one day. So just stop.

A lot of this is not the SIL issue it’s the OPs brothers issue.

Also not sure why the OP is mad at the SIL for leaving her alone at Xmas - the brother was there too. If I were the SIL I would leave everything to the brother to sort out.
the SIL doesn’t sound great but I can’t stand this thing to always blame the woman.

You need to give yourself a shake. Everything you have wrote about is your brother’s issues not SIL. You don’t have to get along with in-laws. Of course it would be nice. But she clearly didn’t get with you.

The present buying, bonding with cousins should all come from YOUR brother. He obviously doesn’t care enough so why should she.

This is an issue with your DB’s treatment of your DC surely? It’s his responsibility to arrange time for them to spend together with you, and buy them gifts etc not SIL’s.

Foster the relationship you want for your kids, invite the nephews and they'll all be old enough to make their own arrangements soon.

Send cards if you must, but not presents.

She's done nothing wrong, I have a DSIL who keeps to herself, and that suits me great, can't imagine having yet another person's emotions to worry about.
Take the silver lining OP.

Hi op I get your hurt especially for the kids involved but she doesn’t sound like she gives a shit tbh and if your brother isn’t willing to step up there is nothing you can do but I get the hurt. she sounds like she’s only interested in your mum money talks as they say, if you can ask your brother to have his kids around yours now and again or at your mums so you can establish the relationship for the kids at least. Just explain to him how you feel cousins should see each other regularly. I used to see mine loads when I was younger and it wasn’t always with a parent being in attendance.

What a load of nonsense.

My brother and sister in law also buy their own presents for each of their own families. I used to think it a little odd as the women have always done it for us but I've now realised how right she had it when I was left to do absolutely everything in my marriage.

I think I would just leave it - your brother will be in touch when he wants and if he questions that he hasn't heard from you just mention that you thought you came across a little needy so you left it for them to get in contact. Just be warned - he may never get in touch!

Sorry, I thought Pessismistic made a nice suggestion - what is a lot of nonsense? And, I'm asking that sincerely as maybe youve thought of something I haven't?

I have 1 brother and he arranges birthday and Christmas gifts for my children.

Sounds like you’ve made a lot of effort with them and it’s a shame they don’t want to be more involved with your family. I would distance myself.

Did you tell them you were pregnant on their wedding day??

The whole idea that it's the sister-in- law's fault. All the OP's complaints should be directed to her brother.

Yes I gave up trying to read it, and searched for the word "paragraphs". So they are BU for that alone.

Who rattled your cage? The post was to the op.

God why are women still taking on the emotional load of other people’s families?

And women on here castigating those who don't.