SIL excludes my child AIBU to be annoyed?

[Aquababe73]

SIL has three kids older than my 1 by a few years. Since she has been with my brother she has always made little effort with me. First time she was introduced to me she fell asleep on my sofa and interacted very little. She was pregnant about a year after they met and I spent the Christmas she was pregnant with them. I bought them both lots of lovely new born bay stuff and fun new parent stuff. She got me a box of lush bath bombs from her and my brother. On Christmas day they left immediately after lunch to go to her cousins leaving me on my own at their place. I didn't know they were going anywhere until they were leaving and as i'd had a couple of glasses already I was trapped. For me that was the writing on the wall. Fast forward 18 months and I was pregnant. I found out just before their wedding. I was so excited as this was a long time coming. I told them both and my brother had a word with me privately and told me not to talk about it any further as I was 'stealing' his wife's thunder. I was hurt but fair enough of she wanted to be all princessy on her wedding day. A few months later I lost the baby. No condolences or sympathies were offered. 2 pregnancies later I finally had my baby. I didn't hear from either of them throughout my pregnancy. I didn't expect anything from her but my brother now seemed to be following suit. Again very hurtful. When my child was newborn all the usual house visits happened and her and my brother came along. I thought things were changing and we could now bond as a family and the cousins could all grow up together. I tried to arrange to meet up with her several times alone and she cancelled at the last minute each time so I gave up. She visited once with my mum and we all went to Mothercare where she proceeded to load up her basket with stuff that my mum could pay for. IMO her nose was out of joint the minute I had my DD as she had been used to using my mum as a cash cow up until then. Her own parents have plenty of money btw as do both her and my brother. DD has only ever received an invite once to one of cousins birthdays. There's 3 of them and the eldest is now 13 so that's a lot of birthdays. Whereas I've always invited the cousins to DDs birthdays. I stopped this a couple of years ago when I discovered she would get my mum to buy the birthday gifts she gave DD. Since then my DD has never received a birthday or Christmas gift from her. She does however buy gifts for the kids of her own brother. My brother does call on DDs birthdays but he travels abroad for work and if he's away there is no call from her. I always get the cousins gifts and feel I should now stop as it is never reciprocated as DD gets older she is becoming more away of this disparity (she's 9) and is hurt by it but I try and laugh it off and say it's no big deal etc but really my heart is breaking for her and I'm so blooming angry at my brother for allowing it to happen. I've tried speaking to my mum about it but she just pays me lip service and then fawns all over SIL making vomit inducing posts on FB about how wonderful a mother she is etc. Brother is the youngest and has always been the golden boy. I don't want my nephews to miss out but then I don't want my DD to be disrespected like this either. I also find my mums behaviour very disloyal as she won't address the issue with them either. So AIBU to expect my DD to be treated as I treat their kids?

Ignore the hasty responses, OP.

How are things now, has your brother or SIL been in touch?

But perhaps she has told your brother that he is responsible for presents for his side of the family? It's not that unusual.

This is fair point which OP has not considered. It maybe possible that SIL has established boundaries and expressed to OP’s brother that he is responsible for the emotional labour for his family and she is responsible for the emotional labour for hers.

And he simply cannot be arsed.

You’re really not a woman’s woman. You put all the blame and all the responsibility on a woman and none on the man ie your brother, her husband?

I noticed that too.

So you also think it’s always the woman’s job?

Was it only the sister in law that left her alone at Christmas? Or was it also the brother?!

Definitely both of them, i said I dont think her brother is such a fan of the op

But also, as a woman, you make sure that your sil is okay, she has to bear some responsibility

Jesus sorry if i wasn't clear. Obviously the husband is a useless shit and in that case I wouldn't leave the child out just because of that.
I'm not excusing his behaviour but my dh has never behaved like that.

You’re right, she also talks about being left alone in their house at Christmas, which she entirely blames on her sister in law as if her brother wasn’t even there.

Why, "as a woman" is she obliged to ensure her SIL is ok? Why on earth is that her responsibility?

Why is OP's own brother seemingly excused from everything, from buying Christmas presents to sending condolences, whilst the SIL is pulled over hot coals for not automatically doing everything for her DH? These people aren't actually her family! Some of these responses are crackers. I wonder if OP would be moaning this much if her brother was in a same sex marriage with another bloke and he wasn't doing enough of the life admin.

The OP seems to put no responsibility on her brother at all. And you seem to be saying “ok yes he does have SOME responsibility but as we all know men are useless it is ultimately the responsibility of women to look after their extended in law relations.” I say no to that. Raise the bar. Men should take responsibility for their own family.

Omggg

If you marry someone, their family becomes yours

I cant believe the responses being so cruel 😭😭

It falls on sisters to be sisters

If the op was a man, I would be telling him to talk to his brother

But you should make an effort with your sil, of course you should

Op is better off without this cruel woman

And does the brother stop being family when he marries, like a one in one out situation?! It’s not cruel to tell the OP that her anger is misdirected.

So wait, because it’s a brother/sister relationship the brother gets absolved of all responsibility but if it was a brother/brother relationship he wouldn’t? What if it was a brother/sister but the brother was in a relationship with a man? What’s the rules about when a man should take responsibility for his own family and when he gets to palm it off on the poor soul that’s shackled themselves to him?

The sil is a dick and doesnt like the op so hasn't reciprocated the kindness given to her by the op

The op deserves both a better brother and sil

I rarely message either of my sil direct. Dh sorts their gifts although sometimes I’ll throw in an idea but that goes both ways. Maybe sil if fed up of picking up her dh’s slack. I find it weird that there’s an expectation of a close friendship due to who your brother married. It’s not sil job, just message db and say “hey, would be nice to get the cousins together for nephew’s birthday - when’s good for you?” Rather than being annoyed you’re not invited.

Sil has 3 dc and maybe doesn’t have the capacity to reciprocate. (I say this as mum of 3 who is happy to be invited to stuff but juggling life means I can’t always invite back - 3 birthdays means 3 family events plus the party the dc want with friends, sometimes it’s too much).

I mean it’s not true is it, because you can’t talk to mil how you’d talk to your own mother.

You can’t tell your sil or bil to oh just fuck off like you probably could your own sibling.

If I told my sil to bugger off being a big moan that would be ww3. If I told my sibling they might just give me a death glare and stfu then we would be good again.

If I called my mil old and told her, her baby ways where old fashion death traps she would sulk. If I told my mother, we would laugh that yeah shits changed since she had me and my sibling.

Also divorcee let’s throw it out there. If I divorce my husband I keep my mum, I loose his lol.

His family is his to deal with, unless I made actual friendships with members of his natural not forced ones.

It is absolutely true

There's more to family than insulting eachother

More on about being truthful. If I can’t be honest with you and have a laugh, your not my friend or family your a tolerable must interact with.

It’s constant egg shells around his family.

Mostly fun and laughing with the odd insult in mine.

I have 3 SIL, all with children similar ages as my 2. I wouldn’t say I have a relationship with them outside of anything arranged by partner. We go on planned family holidays, stay at each other’s homes when we visit. I enjoy spending time with them when I see them, I like them, the cousins all get along well but it’s not my responsibility to facilitate that relationship. I don’t make plans to see them and I don’t see them if my partner is not present. However, we see them frequently because my partner is proactive and makes an effort to maintain a close relationship with his sisters and nieces.

I do on the other hand facilitate a relationship with my own siblings and their children. I don’t do that through their partners, I do that via my own sibling, my partner does not do help me with this.

In regards to gifts we each get for own family, his sisters buy for my children (their blood relative), my partner buys for SIL children (his blood relative), I buy for my siblings children (my blood relative), my siblings buy for my children (their blood relative), my siblings partners buy for their family. No child is left out because everyone makes an effort with their own families, the problem here is your relationship with your brother.

We don’t invite cousins to birthday parties at all and visa versa, we keep parties to nursery and school friends.

Yes - normal

Why “as a woman” does SIL have more responsibility than OPs actual blood relative?

DH’s family, of whom I am genuinely fond, are definitely not my family. I see them reasonably frequently at family events, but never on my initiative. If DH wants to see them, or it’s someone’s birthday, that’s his job to sort out.

So should OP’s brother be purchasing all gifts for SIL’s family then. She looks after his, he looks after hers?