SIL excludes my child AIBU to be annoyed?

[Aquababe73]

SIL has three kids older than my 1 by a few years. Since she has been with my brother she has always made little effort with me. First time she was introduced to me she fell asleep on my sofa and interacted very little. She was pregnant about a year after they met and I spent the Christmas she was pregnant with them. I bought them both lots of lovely new born bay stuff and fun new parent stuff. She got me a box of lush bath bombs from her and my brother. On Christmas day they left immediately after lunch to go to her cousins leaving me on my own at their place. I didn't know they were going anywhere until they were leaving and as i'd had a couple of glasses already I was trapped. For me that was the writing on the wall. Fast forward 18 months and I was pregnant. I found out just before their wedding. I was so excited as this was a long time coming. I told them both and my brother had a word with me privately and told me not to talk about it any further as I was 'stealing' his wife's thunder. I was hurt but fair enough of she wanted to be all princessy on her wedding day. A few months later I lost the baby. No condolences or sympathies were offered. 2 pregnancies later I finally had my baby. I didn't hear from either of them throughout my pregnancy. I didn't expect anything from her but my brother now seemed to be following suit. Again very hurtful. When my child was newborn all the usual house visits happened and her and my brother came along. I thought things were changing and we could now bond as a family and the cousins could all grow up together. I tried to arrange to meet up with her several times alone and she cancelled at the last minute each time so I gave up. She visited once with my mum and we all went to Mothercare where she proceeded to load up her basket with stuff that my mum could pay for. IMO her nose was out of joint the minute I had my DD as she had been used to using my mum as a cash cow up until then. Her own parents have plenty of money btw as do both her and my brother. DD has only ever received an invite once to one of cousins birthdays. There's 3 of them and the eldest is now 13 so that's a lot of birthdays. Whereas I've always invited the cousins to DDs birthdays. I stopped this a couple of years ago when I discovered she would get my mum to buy the birthday gifts she gave DD. Since then my DD has never received a birthday or Christmas gift from her. She does however buy gifts for the kids of her own brother. My brother does call on DDs birthdays but he travels abroad for work and if he's away there is no call from her. I always get the cousins gifts and feel I should now stop as it is never reciprocated as DD gets older she is becoming more away of this disparity (she's 9) and is hurt by it but I try and laugh it off and say it's no big deal etc but really my heart is breaking for her and I'm so blooming angry at my brother for allowing it to happen. I've tried speaking to my mum about it but she just pays me lip service and then fawns all over SIL making vomit inducing posts on FB about how wonderful a mother she is etc. Brother is the youngest and has always been the golden boy. I don't want my nephews to miss out but then I don't want my DD to be disrespected like this either. I also find my mums behaviour very disloyal as she won't address the issue with them either. So AIBU to expect my DD to be treated as I treat their kids?

It's not about responsibility, more about lack of connection

Duh. Hence my question as to why she was complaining about her SIL rather than her brother. A question that you decided to answer - with a completely irrelevant answer. And a follow up that misses the point even more:

.... Tumbleweed ....

Good to know what’s in your brain.

Yes, and that's on a good day 😀

I get the point, but OP is talking about a lack of connection and interest by her brother's wife.

I'm a Sahm (1 DC autistic) and husband works hard. Yet he still finds time to get gifts sorted for his side of the family, kids included. He might ask my opinion and ask me to wrap the gifts since I gave got more time than him and I'm better at it. But he has always bought the gifts himself and he actually enjoys it. He visits outlets when on work missions or just order on the internet. It's not complicated and any mal who can hold down a job is capable of doing it. They just chose not to out of laziness figuring their better half will deal with it.

There’s a lot of information here but I still feel parts are missing. Have you made effort to connect to her ? Does it occur to you that with 3 kids your SIL will be very busy and busier than you? I’d like to hear her side of things too. You sound like hard work to be honest

.Since then my DD has never received a birthday or Christmas gift from her.

Ah, the poor brother, not being able to go and buy gifts for his niece himself because of his being a man.

You want a close relationship and gifts, parties, calls etc mean a lot to you. They don't feel the same. It doesn't mean you are right and they are wrong. You trying to force them to reciprocate the effort you are making is wrong and all it is doing is making you upset. For whatever reason your SIL is not interested in a close relationship with you or your child. That's her choice and her right to do that. She doesn't owe you a closer relationship because you want one.

Equally, your mum's relationship with her is none of your business. If you have a close and supportive relationship with your mum that is enough and you should be grateful for that. What she does with SIL and how much she buys her other grandchildren is her own concern.

I have a SIL that I am on good terms with and we get on well when we see each other, but we're not especially close. That's just the way it goes!

You are just different people with different expectations. You seem overly involved and unable to read the situation. Take a step back.
It is for your DH to manage the relationship with his sister. The relationship your mother has with her DIL does not concern you - or it shouldn’t unless you want to be miserable.
Leave your DH to manage his family, mind your own business about what your SIL does or does not do.
If you want your children to have a relationship with your DHs family let him arrange it. Focus on you.

I've never bought presents for DH's side of the family and he wouldn't expect me to. Your SIL must find it very annoying that you see as being the present organiser and in charge of ensuring her husband sees his own family.

My husband is not great at that sort of thing so I step in and do it.

Why do so many women do this? Infantilise grown men? Then moan about it. I seriously don't get this martyr mentality

I have absolutely no idea why you think it's all your SIL responsibility.

It sounds like she's just refused to be the one responsible for maintaining relationships with her husbands family.

Yes of course she buys gifts for her brothers children in the same way your brother should be buying gifts for your children.

So unreasonable to slag your SIL off for your brother's failings. Why should she be in charge of contact with, and presents for, HIS family? Just because she has a vagina?

You can choose to do that wife work if you want to but you can't impose that expectation on others. If you want a closer relationship with your brother's children, go to him about it. But don't blame his wife for his failings.

@Aquababe73, neither your DH or your brother treat you well. Both treat you like a doormat.

You expect too much of your SIL if you expect her to compensate for them. She's not interested.

I have to be honest. I don’t even do “wife work” for my OH at all. I know he organises seeing his dd, sorting her birthday and Christmas presents, I know he phones his parents regularly but I wouldn’t have a clue when their birthdays are - and the same for his sister and her kids. No idea when their birthdays are.

It is up to him to manage and nurture those relationships, not me.

im sure he couldn’t tell you when my brother’s kids birthdays are either. Or when I last spoke to my brother.

This 💯…

so many people always putting mental load work onto women but never the men.

with 3 kids SIL is already busy .. maybe she had 4 kids if her husband slacks off at home.

Exactly.

But this kind of projection happens so often on here — the default assumption that it’s women’s job to manage family relationships, so that if an OP’s brother doesn’t visit or phone or send presents, it’s the fault of the woman he married. Despite the fact that the OP has a lifelong relationship with her brother.

If you go around saying like "I can be a bit Autistic", then I can understand why your SIL doesn't want to be around you.

OP - If they wanted to they would.

If they wanted to spend time with you they would. If they wanted to see your DC they would. If they wanted to buy her gifts, they would.

You need to accept that they don’t want to and you cannot control how other people behave - the only control you have is how you behave and how you respond.

Stop trying with them - respect yourself and show your DD how we deal with people who do not care about us.

Build a life for yourself and your family that does not include your bother, his wife and their kids. Don’t be heartbroken for your DD - she isn’t missing out on anything.

Thought it was just me who noticed this! I’m surprised the racist from the other recent post hasnt said only Asian people make SILs do all the family mental load 💯

The problem is your brother. You’re blaming SIL for not ‘stepping in’??! Would you expect him to step in if she didn’t buy gifts for her side? Your expectations of a woman’s role are the problem too.

You make the effort then/tell your brother to make effort. She’s likely fed up of looking after 3 kids , your brother, house on her own. Also you don’t say if she has a paid job or if any of her kids have special needs … either of which which will make her life even busier and harder

Why are you bullying another woman instead of taking up your “issues” with a man (your brother) she’s better of without you.

Your either toxic/childish

Yeah I missed this.

Are you autistic @Aquababe73 ?