SIL excludes my child AIBU to be annoyed?

[Aquababe73]

SIL has three kids older than my 1 by a few years. Since she has been with my brother she has always made little effort with me. First time she was introduced to me she fell asleep on my sofa and interacted very little. She was pregnant about a year after they met and I spent the Christmas she was pregnant with them. I bought them both lots of lovely new born bay stuff and fun new parent stuff. She got me a box of lush bath bombs from her and my brother. On Christmas day they left immediately after lunch to go to her cousins leaving me on my own at their place. I didn't know they were going anywhere until they were leaving and as i'd had a couple of glasses already I was trapped. For me that was the writing on the wall. Fast forward 18 months and I was pregnant. I found out just before their wedding. I was so excited as this was a long time coming. I told them both and my brother had a word with me privately and told me not to talk about it any further as I was 'stealing' his wife's thunder. I was hurt but fair enough of she wanted to be all princessy on her wedding day. A few months later I lost the baby. No condolences or sympathies were offered. 2 pregnancies later I finally had my baby. I didn't hear from either of them throughout my pregnancy. I didn't expect anything from her but my brother now seemed to be following suit. Again very hurtful. When my child was newborn all the usual house visits happened and her and my brother came along. I thought things were changing and we could now bond as a family and the cousins could all grow up together. I tried to arrange to meet up with her several times alone and she cancelled at the last minute each time so I gave up. She visited once with my mum and we all went to Mothercare where she proceeded to load up her basket with stuff that my mum could pay for. IMO her nose was out of joint the minute I had my DD as she had been used to using my mum as a cash cow up until then. Her own parents have plenty of money btw as do both her and my brother. DD has only ever received an invite once to one of cousins birthdays. There's 3 of them and the eldest is now 13 so that's a lot of birthdays. Whereas I've always invited the cousins to DDs birthdays. I stopped this a couple of years ago when I discovered she would get my mum to buy the birthday gifts she gave DD. Since then my DD has never received a birthday or Christmas gift from her. She does however buy gifts for the kids of her own brother. My brother does call on DDs birthdays but he travels abroad for work and if he's away there is no call from her. I always get the cousins gifts and feel I should now stop as it is never reciprocated as DD gets older she is becoming more away of this disparity (she's 9) and is hurt by it but I try and laugh it off and say it's no big deal etc but really my heart is breaking for her and I'm so blooming angry at my brother for allowing it to happen. I've tried speaking to my mum about it but she just pays me lip service and then fawns all over SIL making vomit inducing posts on FB about how wonderful a mother she is etc. Brother is the youngest and has always been the golden boy. I don't want my nephews to miss out but then I don't want my DD to be disrespected like this either. I also find my mums behaviour very disloyal as she won't address the issue with them either. So AIBU to expect my DD to be treated as I treat their kids?

Yes, you should do that. Just match her energy. Pull right back and don't bother if they don't.

Is your mum equally cold and ungenerous with your child? Does she see your child often and buy birthday and Christmas presents?

Omg are you me? Snaaaap!

When my britgers got married and had kids I was super helpful and supportive. Both SILs lapped it up snd enjoyed the support. I never had kids before but appreciated how hard it must be. I just got out of a marriage that made me broke and I was on minimum wage. But i still saved to be able to travel to support both with all 4 of their kids. Cooking, cleaning, takeing the kids so they could rest, shower, nap, attend apts etc.

Fast forward 4 years. I get married during COVID so understandable no one helped. But when I had my 1st DS 2 years later crickets. When I announced my pregnancy no one bothered. I maade it special and sent everyone a video message. No one responded. No one ever visited to help. Sfter I had the baby no one came.....no phone calls. Nothing.
No one met my child (apart from my DPs) until DS1 was 8months old we were visiting my DPs. No ine has ever come to my house. I sm totally blind sided. I have no idea what happened. Yes I asked and apike to eveeyone but they make up the lamiest excuses. 1 SIL said and i quote "you are so independent we didn't think you needed help". 🙄 yes I am a super woman I do a tinne load more then anyone i know but that doesn't excuse any of what they did. Ignoring my announcment, ignoring my pregnancy and PP no visits. Not meeting nephews until I was visiting my parents. We all live 2 hours from each other there abouts. So no excuse.

After 10years and 2 nore children i stepped away. They never invite or include my kids. They do things together. Holidays to Turkey, theme parks, days out etc etc.
So I try my best to go to my Dps so the cousins can see each other now and then. I do it for my children. But I know longer bother with my SILS or DBs. I message my DBs from time to time saying they how is everyone but I switched off the me that broke my back for these ungrateful brats. I only maintain a relationship for the sake of my parents and children.

The problem here is your BROTHER and the fact that your MOTHER refuses to un golden child him

Brother and Mother are the people who need to change to sort this out

Thank you. Yes mum is very generous with all the grandkids and DD and l probably visit more often than my brother and his family.

Your anger is misdirected, your brother should be the one taking the lead in your relationship and he should be the one who sorts the gifts for his side of the family.

Just step back, no need to address it with your brother, as this will just be unpleasant and not lead to any resolution. She just doesn’t want a relationship with you. My SIL is the same and that works well for me. Stop with the gifts - don’t say anything just don’t buy gifts again. As a PP said, you only need to match their effort, don’t put in more than they put in.

Meet her with the same energy she shows you.

This has nothing to do with your SIL. She has no responsibility towards you. This lies solely with your brother. If you’re buying gifts for their family he should be buying gifts for yours. Why do you expect the SIL to do it? If the kids are having a party it’s his job to invite you, not hers. She likely has enough to do managing the relationship with her family without having to manage yours as well.

Stop buying them stuff - they don’t value it - your brother certainly doesn’t anyway. Stop trying to force a friendship. She probably already has her own friends. I’m friendly enough with my SILs when I see them at family gatherings but we’re not close friends or anything like that. Cousins don’t need to be close - they have their own friendship groups. My mum and her sister were close so I had to spend time with my cousins - and I hated it. We had nothing in common at all. Just step back and get on with enjoying your own life. It’s too short to by tying yourself in knots and holding grudges. She’s not doing anything wrong.

So, after they got together your brother stopped giving you Christmas presents and expected her to do it even though he knows you much better?

They both rudely didn't tell you their plan that Christmas, leaving you trapped in their house.

He asked you not to talk about your pregnancy just before his wedding (seems fair enough).

He failed to get you a condolences card (I personally neither expected nor received these for my miscarriage, but it wasn't a late one).

He doesn't invite your child to his children's birthday parties (totally normal). He also doesn't get your DC birthday presents.

I don't understand why you are blaming her for any of this except the Christmas thing which was both of them. He's not bothering to have a relationship with you. She's not the one who is your sibling.

You’re buying things for your brother’s children, but it’s your brother that’s not buying things for your child. This is a brother issue, not a SIL issue.

Agree with previous comments. Take the issue up with your brother. Why is it the SIL taking the blame for not sending presents or organising playdates when the nephew's have two parents. I would be going via the brother - with presents ask if you are doing that this year, say DD didn't receive anything so wondering whether you had decided to cut extra costs and were stopping this (no need to mention all other years). With meeting up again message him - DD would love to catch up with your kids, can you let me know what date works for you.
I don't think you should be forcing the cousins to play together and also with parties kids often want their friends and it is sometimes awkward inviting an odd cousin who knows no one else. It used to frustrated me when my mum always wanted me to invite my niece to parties as this meant we could only ever do the party on Sunday, and I felt by her constantly saying we must invite her was more important than my children having a party and that niece was number 1 priority.
I think you are focusing too much on wanting a relationship that doesn't exist and isn't reciprocated on the other side.

You sound like you hate your SIL. Firstly, complaining that she bought you a box of lush bath bombs. There's nothing wrong with lush bath bombs. You bought them a joint gift of baby stuff, so not a gift directly for them. So personally, you think she got you a crap present, however, I think you got them a crap present. Then drinking 'a couple of glasses' of wine by (I'm presuming) yourself which then put you over the limit to drive home? Your SIL, I presume wasn't drinking as she was pregnant. I would be furious if I was her. I'm presuming you were going to be on your own on Christmas, so they had kindly asked you over for lunch before they went to visit her family members, surely if you were planning on drinking "a couple of glasses" of wine, you should have pre booked a taxi home for after lunch, or were you just planning on lounging around their house all day, because this is rude behaviour from yourself.
The fact you started your thread with this Christmas story that happened 9 years ago says more about you than her. Why would she want to forfeit seeing her family to entertain her DH's drunk little sister on Christmas day?
Anyway back to current day. It's your Brother's responsibility to arranged gifts for your child, not your SIL.
You sound jealous.

God why are women still taking on the emotional load of other people’s families?

My sil is perfectly pleasant but we’re not close just have nice chats at family events. Dh does the present buying etc for his own family.

Also - paragraphs I admit I couldn’t read the wall of words of the first post.

I'm sorry it's not "princessey" to not want someone to announce their pregnancy either right before or during their wedding. In fact it's considered extremely poor taste to do that.

I agree!

I would also keep buying presents for the kids. The presents arw about your relationship with the kids, not your brother / SIL

I like my SIL and nephew and do put effort in but I think she could feel similarly to you so thought it might be helpful to hear my reasons.

My DN is a couple of years younger than my middle child and a couple of years older than my youngest. He’s a nice boy but I know my older kids always found it hard work to play with him as he wanted to play but couldn’t keep up, he always came to tell an adult when things didn’t go his way. Totally normal younger child stuff but as siblings they can be a bit tougher on each other and my youngest. You can’t tell a cousin to go away in the same way as you can a brother. My DN also didn’t have any patience for my youngest although he is getting better now. Family occasions can be tricky as mine are rolling with their normal sibling dynamic and have to know to change their behaviour around him which is a tricky level of nuance when you’re three!

I also make a lot of effort ‘for me’. I’m less focused on wider family than I think my SIL is. We have busy lives and a good community where we are locally so I don’t think our priorities are the same. I don’t see my family more than I see them but they definitely have different expectations around communication and visits.

When my DN was born, I already had two small children. I hope I made my SIL feel celebrated but there was less novelty in a new baby so she might not have felt that I gave the whole thing as much attention as she would have liked- everyone’s first is world-changing to them.

Lastly, I pick up most of the mental load and tend to go in cycles of getting quite frustrated with my DH that I think about everything including his family’s presents and time with them. I’ve always done it but I can imagine being your SIL and putting my foot down about whose job it is!

She doesn’t sound like she’s ever been that interested in being friends/spending time together. You don’t factor into her plans because she married and made a family with your brother, not you.

She’s allowed to do that.

You seem to have a very different idea about how things should work in a family. You’re trying to impose that on her. She’s declining to comply.

Send simple presents if you wish to the kids, but stop pushing for a best friend style relationship with her. She’s not interested.

Also, when your brother told you not to talk about your pregnancy, you really needed to tell him to F off.

You seem to be a very family focused person. Not everyone is. Your SIL sounds like a princess. Any other woman of similar age will be a threat to her kingdom. Leave her alone, grey rock, be polite and that is, I am afraid all you will get. No pink hearts and bubbles with your bros family anymore. Concentrate on your family and remember anything you feel and vocalise with transfer to your children. Do you want them to be the dumping ground for how you feel family life should be. When my dad died I cut contact with my toxic cousins finally after 60 years. One visited our town yesterday and I didn't even get to see her and wasn't at all bothered. Find people who warm your life not who freeze it out.

Well, that’s you. It would never occur to me to buy DH’s nephews and nieces birthday or Christmas presents, fond though I am of them — that’s his job.

I wouldn't stop buying gifts for your brother's children, it's not their fault their mother is so horrible and you don't want them to be hurt like your daughter is.

I probably wouldn't go to a lot of trouble of the gifts though- for teenagers, money in a card is fine for example.

Your SIL is horrible, it's not just that she isn't interested in having a relationship with you - abandoning you as their guest on Christmas day & ignoring/excluding your daughter is unforgiveable.

Also, validate your daughter's feelings. They are justified. You don't need to go overboard, into a whole explanation, she's young for that still. But you can say that some people are thoughtless and don't think of others properly, that's it's OK to be hurt but it isn't a reflection on her...Sometimes we meet people who aren't very kind to us but that shows us what they are like, not that we're undeserving.

Don't dwell on it though - just move on. Your attitude of not letting it become a Big Thing for her is the right one: "I know it's hurtful, it isn't anything you've done, some people are just thoughtless. Now what would you like for dinner?'

A Christmas card if you do them is fine for them going forward but I wouldn't do anything else for him & her.

You could tell your mum & brother about your daughters hurt next time it happens, but I wouldn't hold your breath expecting a sea-change in behaviour and if your SIL stirs the pot, it could blow up.

Buying bday presents for kids who have everything is a nightmare imv - stop buying them -I think you have talked about your DSIL and DB and cousins to your DD and passed on your disappointment in them so she is now hurt at their lack of interest in her.
Just let them go as that’s too big an age gap for kids to be close . It’s disappointing but from the get go she wanted to be queen bee and to keep you out. Form your own life and friends.

This. His family and his responsibility.

You hate your Sil clear to see for things that are your brother fault.

It’s his job to call text send a card and gift. If he stopped doing that it’s because he decided he couldn’t be arsed. Even working aboard he could text, order a moonpig card it’s not hard but he doesn’t want too.

She clearly isn’t a women who’s prepared to do all the wife work admin for her husband and good for her. But your anger is misplaced it should be at the feet of your brother.

It’s funny how some men seem to stop being able to organise birthday gifts as soon as they’re married eh? 🙄 YABU to blame a woman for her husband’s failures.