SIL excludes my child AIBU to be annoyed?

[Aquababe73]

SIL has three kids older than my 1 by a few years. Since she has been with my brother she has always made little effort with me. First time she was introduced to me she fell asleep on my sofa and interacted very little. She was pregnant about a year after they met and I spent the Christmas she was pregnant with them. I bought them both lots of lovely new born bay stuff and fun new parent stuff. She got me a box of lush bath bombs from her and my brother. On Christmas day they left immediately after lunch to go to her cousins leaving me on my own at their place. I didn't know they were going anywhere until they were leaving and as i'd had a couple of glasses already I was trapped. For me that was the writing on the wall. Fast forward 18 months and I was pregnant. I found out just before their wedding. I was so excited as this was a long time coming. I told them both and my brother had a word with me privately and told me not to talk about it any further as I was 'stealing' his wife's thunder. I was hurt but fair enough of she wanted to be all princessy on her wedding day. A few months later I lost the baby. No condolences or sympathies were offered. 2 pregnancies later I finally had my baby. I didn't hear from either of them throughout my pregnancy. I didn't expect anything from her but my brother now seemed to be following suit. Again very hurtful. When my child was newborn all the usual house visits happened and her and my brother came along. I thought things were changing and we could now bond as a family and the cousins could all grow up together. I tried to arrange to meet up with her several times alone and she cancelled at the last minute each time so I gave up. She visited once with my mum and we all went to Mothercare where she proceeded to load up her basket with stuff that my mum could pay for. IMO her nose was out of joint the minute I had my DD as she had been used to using my mum as a cash cow up until then. Her own parents have plenty of money btw as do both her and my brother. DD has only ever received an invite once to one of cousins birthdays. There's 3 of them and the eldest is now 13 so that's a lot of birthdays. Whereas I've always invited the cousins to DDs birthdays. I stopped this a couple of years ago when I discovered she would get my mum to buy the birthday gifts she gave DD. Since then my DD has never received a birthday or Christmas gift from her. She does however buy gifts for the kids of her own brother. My brother does call on DDs birthdays but he travels abroad for work and if he's away there is no call from her. I always get the cousins gifts and feel I should now stop as it is never reciprocated as DD gets older she is becoming more away of this disparity (she's 9) and is hurt by it but I try and laugh it off and say it's no big deal etc but really my heart is breaking for her and I'm so blooming angry at my brother for allowing it to happen. I've tried speaking to my mum about it but she just pays me lip service and then fawns all over SIL making vomit inducing posts on FB about how wonderful a mother she is etc. Brother is the youngest and has always been the golden boy. I don't want my nephews to miss out but then I don't want my DD to be disrespected like this either. I also find my mums behaviour very disloyal as she won't address the issue with them either. So AIBU to expect my DD to be treated as I treat their kids?

Why should it fall on the woman to sort all gifts?! I get on really well with my DH’s family as he does with mine but I would never be expected or ‘step in’ to buy gifts/arrange visits as that is purely his responsibility and vice versa.

Thought I'd check in on this post as its been a while and WOW just WOW ..... I am blown away by some of the nasty bitchy comments in response to my original post. I can't honestly be bothered to respond to them all but seriously ladies where's your f*ing solidarity! My original post was meant to highlight a pattern of rejection levied at my daughter. I've seen piles of gifts for SIL blood neices and nephews, who are younger than DD so whats stopping her from chucking another one in the shopping basket. The fact i have to make excuses for them to my DD is heartbreaking and why the majority of posters dont get that that's the point, i find unbelievable. I'm a womans woman through and through so really dont get other women who aren't. Im hurt on behalf of my DD and offered a bit of background but seriously some of the things said here are beyond the pale. The assumptions made about me and my circumstances are insane and scream of bitterness and projection. I'll not be watching this thread further so you can all knock yourselves out with your nastiness.

Why do you have all this to say about your SIL but not your brother?

It’s weird. If you think they, as a couple should be buying gifts for your kids have a word with your brother.

You are coming across rather sexist.

So, definitely sexist.

She doesn't sound great. But what about your brother - shouldn't he take responsibility for much of these issues? And shouldn't he be responsible for getting your daughter gifts on her birthday and at Christmas?

I also think that you're being unreasonable expecting your mum to take your side in all of this. She obviously wants to stay on good terms in order to have a relationship with her grandchildren.

I don't know what to advise, other than to simply mirror their energy. No gifts for your DD - no gifts for their kids either. And just quietly step back. There doesn't need to be any drama. Do you have any other extended family OP that you can spend time with instead? Or perhaps widen your social circle so you and DD are busy with other people, so you don't feel their absence too much?

For whatever reason, she is not going to change now. And I agree, it is very hurtful. More so, once the DC start noticing. Then it really is like a knife to the heart.

But perhaps she has told your brother that he is responsible for presents for his side of the family? It's not that unusual.

I'd have a chat to him. Tell him that DD is noticing and ask him if he would prefer to start buying her presents or if he would prefer that your family steps back from the family relationship. See what he says.

In my case, we stepped back. It was better for me (in terms of my sanity and blood pressure) and now the DC are not fussed. They have enough people in their lives who love and support them and that's what matters

Exactly this

You’re really not a woman’s woman. You put all the blame and all the responsibility on a woman and none on the man ie your brother, her husband? The Christmas incident you outline was at least equally his fault but i suspect more so as her perspective might be “you knew we were seeing my cousins, why hadn’t you addressed that with your sister?” (I also wonder where your partner was that you were left alone?!). But the gift buying assumptions and accusations are the worst. Just because you buy for your useless husband’s family doesn’t mean every woman must give in to that sexist stereotype. Any lack of gift is 100% your brother’s fault.

I think some people are oddly cold/ like to claim to be on Mumsnet.

No, you do not have to be friends with your in-laws. But why would you reject a little kid/ damage the relationship between cousins?

And I presume, that whilst your brother is also to blame - he was not so cold before he was in a relationship with SIL?

Unfortunately some people are incredibly self-absorbed.

This is really sound advice.

This.

How many presents does your childs other parent buy for your SIL or her and your brothers children? How often does your childs other parent arrange to meet them?

It’s your brothers job to buy for his niece.

Do you not realise you are flogging a dead horse with your brother and his family? Therefore, you’re adding to the issue with your dd. Get a new normal as the nieces/nephews are almost teenagers so won’t really engage with parents maker alone someone thieir parents don’t like or engage with. Save the money and spend it on your dd or her future.

Your relationship here should be with your brother. It might be nice to be close with his wife but you can't force it and after more than 13 years, I think you need to accept the situation. Your mother's relationship is quite different since she's grandmother to their children.

The majority of my children's cousins are my sister's children, though due to distance and ages differences they was never any question of attending each other's birthday parties. Their one cousin on their dad's side is much older and lived mainly abroad. I was never involved in their present giving - my DH sorted that out.

Personally birthday parties in our family were solely for friends of the birthday child - no cousins, relatives or siblings friends.

My goodness, the irony!!😂😂🫣

where’s the solidarity sisters?!? Where’s YOURS!!!

where is yours with your poor SIL whose husband, your brother and entire family is completely sexist, and think that the unpaid work is for woman.

you are not a woman’s woman at all. Complete opposite.

I get where you’re coming from. My kids are grown now but I had this to an extent with a sister in law who sounds very similar. In the end I just stopped buying presents for those cousins- nothing was ever said but I felt I’d taken control. We are now NC with them and that suits me perfectly

I'm genuinely baffled why you're adamant its SIL's responsibility to buy the presents for your DD. Your brother is her blood relative, why on earth is it her job?

I wouldn't dream of organising all the presents for DH's various relatives, including his nephews and nieces, I've got enough relatives on my own side to remember to shop for. He's perfectly capable of doing it himself and your brother should be too!

Flogging a dead horse here. Ops going to forever blame her sil for having a shit brother who doesn’t care about his niece.

Just because she has a vagina doesn’t make it her job to buy gifts. As you said he used to buy your gifts then HE stopped. A wedding ring doesn’t make it her job.

But as usual it’s always easier to blame a women for men’s failings. What being such a women’s women.

Your daughter’s hurt is her uncles fault.

I wouldn't bother with either of them to be honest. I don't understand all this "it's your brothers fault" the op has bought gifts for her brother AND sil children so really not hard to fathom that sil should make an effort to reciprocate. Of course the brother should make an effort too. If a relative of dhs had bought something for one of our kids I would make sure their kid got a gift.

Why is it the women's responsibility to buy presents for her husband's family?

I don't understand the mindset of anyone who thinks that way.

@lazyarse123
can you articulate why you think it’s you who should buy the gift and not your husband in that circumstance? If your relative bought your dc a gift, would your husband think ooh I must pop out and get her dc a gift in return, and go out of his way to do so? I can help you out if you can’t work it out, you both think this is women’s work. You both think men shouldn’t have to bother their manly heads with chores that are beneath them and womens roles.

I don't think it's women's work but I would make sure any child wasn't left out just to score points.
My dh and I usually buy gifts together or remind each other because we are a team but not everyone is.

I'm surprised at the comments. Honestly girl, just because someone is a woman, doesnt mean she is going to be nice. I would make every effort to have a relationship with my sil and to make aure that the kids are bonded but 🤷‍♀️

Its sad that she doesnt want a relationship with you, she sounds like a nasty person, especially leaving you at their home on xmas day and then not getting in touch when you were dealing with your baby losses 💐

Just because you and your brother grew up together doesnt mean that you will always have a relationship and it sounds like your brother has chosen his wife.

Are you quite a kind sweet person? Your brother doesnt like women like that, it sounds.

Its time to get tough op. Kindly, stop moping about your sil. Stop hoping for her to treat you like a sister, it isnt going to happen.

You have some work to do on yourself imo. No judgement as so do i! But you can't be so down about this. Time to move on and enjoy your life with dd.

Don't buy any presents or reach out at all. And if she asks why, tell her. Say you make zero effort so i'm not going to. Then leave it at that, don't bring it up again.

Your sil might make the perfunctory phone calls to make it look like she isnt in the wrong, but stand firm and focus on being happy with dd.

Do you have a man? What do you do with your dd? There's more to life than cousins! xx

Why is it primarily the SIL’s responsibility?